I don't understand the young people...they set NO boundaries in relationships!

[grace222]

I haven't been able to have children of my own but I have a lot of nieces and nephews who I care about.
I don't understand everything there is to know about them but I still love and care for them very much.

My older niece turned 21 and she told me she made a christian committment (about 5 years ago). I don't know how much it meant to her but I don'tlike the life she leads. Her parents(my sister and her husband) are both christians yet they accept the life she leads.
She has been living with her boyfriend for about 3 years now and also with three other men (that live in the house)They are all friends.
Yet when I see the updates and photographs on Facebook I get quite upset because their relationships are quite close(physically and emmotionally) and I get told by others this is NOW considered normal.
Their updates are sometimes quite sexual in nature and the photographs leave me wondering. I've seen photographs where she is posing(bending provactively to show cleavage with another guy - not her boyfriend beside her. Her 21st photographs were disturbing...her and her friends in a bath together(small bath) in motel scantilly dressed swimming bathers...other boys leaning against her skin.

When I shared this with friends they said they are just having fun. It doesn't seem like fun to me! If she is in a serious relationship with a guy, why would he allow other young men to touch her that closely and say provacative things to her?

I"m not that old but when my Boyfriend(now husband) and I dated, we had a chaparone or we didn't sit next to each other in church and used the 10 inch rule in dating. (never went to movies alone)..
That was 14 years ago. Have things changed that much?

I would like your thoughts. All I can do is pray for her and her friends.

Anyone care to tell me if this is considered normal now with the younger generation?

 

[grace222]

just stepping this up - anyone care to comment?

 

[hedrick]

My experience is mostly with 12 - 14 year olds and their parents. I haven't seen much change in 14 years, although overall trends (at least in the US) are pretty clearly towards looser sexual ethics, and more people saying they are spiritual but not involved in any church.

I think you'll find that there are a lot of differences between families and individuals. Your parents may have emphasized sexual boundaries more than theirs, or they may be rebelling. I'd guess 14 years ago you would have found the same differences, although it's possible that on average things are a little looser now.

I just looked through Facebook photos of the teens I know. I don't see anything quite like you describe. But I will say that they seem really comfortable touching each other in groups, normally mixed gender. The closest I've got is when a group were swimming at a church event. I don't actually have them all touching each other in bathing suits in a group photo, but I can sure imagine it happening. So I can imagine the photo in the bath with our kids, even at a church event.

Our kids wouldn't likely show really provocative photos, but they are 15-18, and about half have parents as friends on Facebook. (A lot of parents require it, and the others typically have at least one trustworthy adult as a friend, voluntarily.) Once they're 21, I'm not sure. I only have one friend that age, and he's a lot more conservative than average.

Unfortunately I don't have any 14 year old Facebook photos to compare it with However I suspect you're underestimating what kids 14 years ago would have done.

 

[freedmfighter]

I don't have any teens in this house..but I think alot of it starts with the parents if the parents are not going to set boundaries...then the teens are going to start straying to wherever there is fun....even if it compromises thier faith. The thing is...the lack of boundaries is not going to hurt them as much as it will hurt thier daughter...so I hope her family will see this and start laying the law down.

Just a thought:
I was just wondering if it would be a good idea if you can somehow develop a good relationship with your niece....this way if something happens..she can go to you to help her go down the right path.

 

[CelticRose]

I have unfriended several of my nieces & nephews on FB because I find the content of their posts deeply disturbing ie sexually explicit/cross gender/ violent/ abusive. They aren't Christians though. I am not comfortable with it & the upsets & emotional angst from relational upsets just saddens me.

 

[grace222]

thanks so much for your replies.....I have taken everything into account and there is some excellent advise here.

have unfriended several of my nieces & nephews on FB because I find the content of their posts deeply disturbing ie sexually explicit/cross gender/ violent/ abusive. They aren't Christians though. I am not comfortable with it & the upsets & emotional angst from relational upsets just saddens me.

I feel as though you know how I truly feel....
I can pray for them more (which I am doing) and I might "hide" them so I don't see this.
I know these things were happening centuries ago but the kids have facebook and digital phones/cameras to capture everything.

This is a reminder that we need to pray for our younger people particularly if their parents are not believers or don't set boundaries
Thanks again.
God bless.

 

[CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN]

She's a grown up,she's allowed to what ever.Ofcourse u can tell her u don't agree with her life style,but It's not really your problem.If u really have a problem of her pics,just take her off your friend list,explain.

 

[zaksmummy]

I haven't been able to have children of my own but I have a lot of nieces and nephews who I care about.
I don't understand everything there is to know about them but I still love and care for them very much.

My older niece turned 21 and she told me she made a christian committment (about 5 years ago). I don't know how much it meant to her but I don'tlike the life she leads. Her parents(my sister and her husband) are both christians yet they accept the life she leads.
She has been living with her boyfriend for about 3 years now and also with three other men (that live in the house)They are all friends.
Yet when I see the updates and photographs on Facebook I get quite upset because their relationships are quite close(physically and emmotionally) and I get told by others this is NOW considered normal.
Their updates are sometimes quite sexual in nature and the photographs leave me wondering. I've seen photographs where she is posing(bending provactively to show cleavage with another guy - not her boyfriend beside her. Her 21st photographs were disturbing...her and her friends in a bath together(small bath) in motel scantilly dressed swimming bathers...other boys leaning against her skin.

When I shared this with friends they said they are just having fun. It doesn't seem like fun to me! If she is in a serious relationship with a guy, why would he allow other young men to touch her that closely and say provacative things to her?

I"m not that old but when my Boyfriend(now husband) and I dated, we had a chaparone or we didn't sit next to each other in church and used the 10 inch rule in dating. (never went to movies alone)..
That was 14 years ago. Have things changed that much?

I would like your thoughts. All I can do is pray for her and her friends.

Anyone care to tell me if this is considered normal now with the younger generation?

Unfortunately its considered very normal, and there in lies the problem. Anything goes and there are no boundaries because no one sets and boundaries.

Have you discussed it with her? Maybe you should ask her how she would feel if her parents saw them? If she is a christian what does she believe that God feels about them? Try not to be punitive, but lead her to passages that talk about self-control and modesty, but point out that whatever is on facebook stays on facebook and when she is older and ready to settle down and get married potentially her prospective husband will also be able to see them, and how would she feel about that? Often teenagers dont think about the long term consequences of their behaviour either.

 

[blessedmomof5]

Well said zaksmummy!!!!

I/ we use that as a guide with our daughters with decisions they need to make!
Lets take a look at it from a view as if we are Jesus!
What would He do? Think? Say about it? Would He act like that? Talk like that? If the answer is no, best not do it then!
Who are we trying to serve? Us? Or Him?

Unfortunately its considered very normal, and there in lies the problem. Anything goes and there are no boundaries because no one sets and boundaries.

Have you discussed it with her? Maybe you should ask her how she would feel if her parents saw them? If she is a christian what does she believe that God feels about them? Try not to be punitive, but lead her to passages that talk about self-control and modesty, but point out that whatever is on facebook stays on facebook and when she is older and ready to settle down and get married potentially her prospective husband will also be able to see them, and how would she feel about that? Often teenagers dont think about the long term consequences of their behaviour either.

 

[cutie76]

I think you nailed it when you mentioned her parents "standards" or lack of standards when it comes to relationships.

When the older generation says they don't understand the younger, just remember that the younger generation must have learned all of this somewhere!

As a mom, I see parents young and old, christian and non-christian letting a lot of things fly when it comes to their kids. Unfortunately, many parents are insecure or ignorant when it comes to their authority as parents.

 

[SaraJarvis]

I don't think it's anything to get upset about, really. I'm not a Christian, but as I thought I'd throw in my opinion anyway.

I'm 22. I live at home with my father and brother, and don't really have any female friends. I do, however, have a large group of male friends. I just think they're more fun (I hate girly girls, they annoy me).

Anyway, there have been plenty of times when at least seven of my friends have practically lived with us for extended periods of time. During those times, we've sat on the sofa and snuggled, acted silly for photos, and just acted daft. My last boyfriend had no problem with it, because he knew I wasn't going to leap into bed with them. I love them all as friends, and we're just having fun. They all joke around and wrestle, etc. so I don't see why I can't, simply because I'm a female. I've even slept in the same bed with them when I've been cold. There's nothing sexual there - we're just friends. A bunch of girls could get away with it...I don't see the problem if we're a mixed gender group.

I was brought up with the idea that I could do anything a boy could do. I wore jeans and jumpers, climbed trees and played adventure games with the boys. Now I drink beer with the boys, watch horror films and have no silly ideas that they won't like me if I don't speak like a lady and act horrified if someone swears.

It isn't a lack of standards or broken boundaries...it's just larking around because you're with friends, and you CAN.

 

[lynnbeau]

If she doesn't know who she is in Christ, then she will try and find her identity elsewhere, including in the arms of many partners. All you can do is be there for her when it all come crumbling down on her. Teach her about the forgiveness of Jesus, He is the ONLY one who can giver her her identity, He is the only one who can make her whole.

 

[chelsea89]

I don't have any teens yet but the idea of my three becoming teens horrified me. Yes, this is considered normal now. Most of my friends consider that to be the light "preppy" thing to do. My friends in high school and siblings ( in all 6 people); Sam got pregnant and left home at 16, Jessica got pregnant and had her baby on her 18th birthday after a bought of running away and selling drugs, she's now with a woman and raising her child to be gay... Sara had her son at 19 with a guyshe smoked weed with and for a bit was hooked on pills, she's jumping from man to man for money and stability. My sister does pills, weed, and drinks a lot, my brother got a girl pregnant and convinced her to have an abortion, steals, barely graduated high school because he was high all the time. I don't talk to these people much anymore but honestly what you posted is so light compared to what I remember high school being. Two of my friends committed suicide, one was murdered, our schools were locked down for guns and knives threats, being gay was acceptable, and having sex with a ton of guys especially older men was seen as a status upgrade.

 

[akmom]

I know this thread was started 6 months ago, but I think it is worth revisiting with the new comments. I want to offer a little different perspective, and for that purpose I should specify that I am a Bible believer who was raised in a strong Christian family.

I think there might be a problem of perception here. What you describe is a group living situation, photographs that depict scanty attire and close contact. What you infer is debauchery. I think that's unlikely. As a young person myself, who in the last 10 years put herself through college on very limited means, I am tempted to defend the group living situation. Why not? Sharing a residence saves money. Pooling resources and chores is efficient. It makes a lot of financial sense. Why should this frugality be limited to families? There were times I slept in my car, pitched a tent, drove for hours to crash on a friend's couch. Kudos to them for arranging something better. It seems a bit presumptuous to suggest that a group of young men and women sharing a residence are also promiscuous with one another.

"Scantilly dressed" is also a subjective designation. If a person is swimming, bathing, or otherwise recreationally associated with water, then a swimsuit is appropriate. They do tend to reveal more than ordinary clothes, but that does not mean it is the purpose of such clothes, or that those people are actually lusting after each other. Dress is largely cultural, largely practical. I don't think there is any argument about swimsuits being practical; loose, heavy, or excessive clothing poses a drowning risk. It seems that their dress is offensive to you on a cultural level, which is more a reflection of your puritanical perspective than their immodesty. For example, women in tropical regions can dress modestly whilst remaining topless. Conversely, some Islamic cultures consider it sexually provocative if a woman shows her face. You have to look at their dress in terms of their culture, and I would say that what you describe is culturally normal - not lewd.

Lastly, physical contact need not have any sexual implications. Close friends can huddle for a picture and maintain a perfectly Platonic relationship. In fact, it makes sense to huddle for a snapshot. That does not mean they spend the rest of their day crawling all over each other. Consider also that many of these poses may be exaggerated as a joke or a tease. A lot of people post unorthodox pictures on Facebook for its shock value - which is another discussion entirely, and does not mean that the people posting such things actually engage in immorality.

I understand that you care about your nieces and nephews, and so I say this with utmost respect. But I think there is a danger to browsing online photo albums of people with whom you do not regularly communicate, and forming opinions about them from it. What you are seeing are glimpses out of context. Rather than working yourself up, why don't you give your niece a call and ask her how life is going? Why not show her you care? You may be surprised at what she tells you. It may set you at ease. If not, you at least know what to pray about, instead of assuming. It must be very alienating for young people whose elders fret over how many inches span between a dating couple, when there are so many bigger issues they are experiencing, for which they could use guidance.