Dear ChristsDisciple,
My view is very different from many other's view.
First let me say, that however good her intentions, the preacher's words did more harm than good. To demand that people forgive right then and there at that very moment??? That's shockingly unrealistic. People need time.
Time to heal, time to grow, time to learn, to adapt....etc. Perhaps there were some parishioners sitting in the church that were at the point in their lives where they were ready to forgive, and the preacher provided the moment to do so.
But that left out the others of the church who were not ready, and made you and who knows how many others feel guilt and shame because of this "inability" to forgive.
The age listed by your name says 21. You are not far out of childhood, and still recovering from what you were forced to experience. Recovery is a process. God knows this. It is not good for people to change drastically overnight....God also knows this. He gives an infant 18 years to grow into adulthood - to become physically and mentally capable of living independently. Why? Because the human body and psyche can only stand to grow so much, in so much time. God designed us.....He created the system.
It take us 10 - 14 days to recover from a cold virus. How long do you think He gives people who need to recover from childhood trauma and abuse?
Ever read Eccesiates 3? The passages about how there's a time for everything?
He knows you and your situation, ChristsDisciple, and He understands.
Today, you cannot forgive your father. The shame you feel shows that you are not happy with that - and that alone is a sign that you are capable of change. God knows that too.
Truthfully, I get angry when people run around insisting that we forgive, that we must forgive in order to heal. I do not believe that it is the one and only healing force. Frankly,
I think that there's a whole lot of healing that has to happen long before we get to the point of being able to forgive. And usually, the first person that needs that forgiveness, is the one that was abused. Meaning you, and me.
I say this because like the majority of abuse survivors, I blamed myself for what people did to me. I hated myself for being weaker, smaller, cowardly, etc. I was angry with myself, more than the abusers. Until I reached a point in the healing process where I realized that my size, age, strength, intelligence, etc. had nothing to do with the fundamental fact that I was a human child who was owed the dignity, respect and protection from the adult in my life, and didn't get it. Then, I could see that I was not the bad guy; I could forgive myself for not understanding that I had nothing to forgive myself for, and I finally, finally, put the blame on the shoulders where it belonged. The abusers.
I hated them. I was angry at them. And that was a wonderfully freeing revelation. I was a changed person. And from that point on, the speed of my recovery just zoomed forward! So there's something to be said for justifiable anger and blame!!!!!!!!
Very soon after that, I noticed that I had forgiven them. I didn't make the conscious choice to, it just happened on it's own. I saw the truth of what they were .... pitiful adults with some bad problems. I actually feel sorry for them now, because I know that they have demons of their own they will probably never heal from.
As far as I'm concerned, ChristsDisciple, you have done nothing wrong. There's nothing wrong with you, and don't deserve to feel ashamed at all.
You are 21 years old, childhood was less than a handful of years ago. The memories are still very close and the abuse raw. Of course you're not ready to forgive. That's perfectly normal. It's simply not time.
Eccesiastes 3.
If you pray, just tell God how you feel. He can take it. He can take all the anger, rage, fear, hurt, shame..etc. that you have.....He's lived it. It's almost Easter. It was two thousand years ago that Jesus was in the garden, the night before His Crucifixion, feeling abandoned and utter terror. He can take the truth.
And know that your day will come. Healing happens as quickly or slowly as it needs to, but it does happen. And God will rejoice with you.
Take care of yourself, and please, no more shame. It's undeserved.
LaBarre
