I guess I'm finally admitting to myself that I do have this condition. Honestly it has been at the back of my head for years now, but the stigma attached to being 'mentally ill' or having a 'sick mind' was too much for me to admit to.
Starting from age 12-13 I would say this has been going on. Looking back at old photos prior to that time I was a happy kid with a smile, happy and loving. It was during those years that I underwent severe mental/emotional trauma (I don't want to go into details) but ever since that point my days have been spent cycling, ons and offs, ups and downs, all becoming progressively stronger and more uncontrollable.
The thing is, and I guess this is the case for a lot of people who share in this, I always got excellent grades, great artist, played multiple instruments, always more mature than people my own age. So no one saw any problems, but they couldn't possibly have known what was going on inside.
I fear grew inside of me, of making commitments and plans for later dates, because I knew my mood would change. During what I now recognize as the mania phases I would be full of energy and life; pouring all my efforts into bettering myself, learning music, drawing, reading, feeling spiritually alive. I would do things I never would otherwise. I got a tattoo over a year ago at the peak of one of these phases. I drew it up and HAD to get it. The thought of it was eating away at my mind, I couldn't sleep at night, all I thought about was having it. This is just one of the experiences during my "highs" but there are many others.
And then the crash would come. Sometimes lasting for days, other times weeks and even months. Feeling invisible and disconnected from reality. Starring at myself in the mirror as if I were hollow, looking into my own eyes and feeling like a shell. The day would arrive where an event I had planned while in a manic state, and I wouldn't care. I would go to whatever I had planned but feel like a robot, automatic, just going through the motions. I've learned to hide how truly disinterested I am by engaging in small talk and all other 'normal' behavior. Yet even so there are times when what is going on inside slips out.
For a long time I turned to alcohol, and got drunk nearly every day while I was still in highschool, alone, and no one ever knew. Since then I've stopped drinking because ultimately it only made the depression worse.
I'm now almost 21 and have been living this way for 7-8 years. I believe that it is this condition who created me as the person I am today. I love the high's feeling limitless and untouchable; it is something I fear losing. Yet even the depression that hits, has caused me to look at other peoples situations in life with sympathy and understanding. It's the darkness that takes control of me that has given me greater insight into the nature of life and existence... yet all the same it has brought me nearly to death; waking up day after day, having so many who love me, yet not caring or unable to care. During the low's I would frequently sit for hours thinking about suicide, planning ways to do it in case it ever came to that; but I never actually attempt it because I know how many people will be affected, and so I choose to live for them.
My grandmother has a woman in her church who is bipolar and she speaks of her as if she were some deeply disturbed zombie in need of pity. Is this my fate if I reveal to the ones closest to me what eats away inside me? The great thing about the internet is the anononymity it provides, being able to reveal your deepest truths to total strangers without reprucussion.
As I type this I've just come out of one of the most sever low cycle of depression I've had in my life. I'm at a neutral equillibrium at this point (or as neutral as I can imagine). What spurrs on my typing this is an event that took place last week. I sat in my room clearing my mind, meditating I guess, and old locked up memories of past trauma came rushing back into my mind. Things I had forgotten, a person I was before this became like new to me.
Have you ever fallen asleep in the middle of the day, and awoken hours later in darkness, not knowing where you are or what day it is? For me I didn't know who I was or even what decade I was in (I thought it was sometime in the mid 90's) For a long time in my life I have been hiding in plain sight. The only way I could cope was by putting up a front of disinterest and aggression towards all who got too close. Was this a mental breakdown, years of suppressed trauma all comming to a head, or God trying to change my spirit? I don't know. It's hard to differentiate between the soul and mind. Many of the past 'spiritual' experiences I had quite possibly may have been mental breaks. I'm not even sure who I am anymore.
I don't really know what to do. I can't deal with the low phase of the cycle. I pray constantly for help, for God to heal my mind, though I don't think I was meant to live as a normal person. It's hard for me to look at all the happy people around me smiling and having to force it, when I'm feeling nothing at all. I have nothing to be unhappy about; I have a loving family, a place to live, food to eat, doing great in college, talent in the arts... And yet when I enter those dark phases none of it matters. All I feel is loneliness eating at me me, leaving me empty. During those times I pray to see angels or to feel something, anything at all.
Can anyone who has gone on medication tell me what it is like? How do I get help... I'm afraid of telling my mom about this, and likewise I'm afraid that the doctor or whoever I'm sent to will try to have me locked away. I'll be labled an outcast, people will look at my as that 'crazy' guy. I guess I'm just rambling now. The words of Macbeth bring this emotional low to life:
To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
Starting from age 12-13 I would say this has been going on. Looking back at old photos prior to that time I was a happy kid with a smile, happy and loving. It was during those years that I underwent severe mental/emotional trauma (I don't want to go into details) but ever since that point my days have been spent cycling, ons and offs, ups and downs, all becoming progressively stronger and more uncontrollable.
The thing is, and I guess this is the case for a lot of people who share in this, I always got excellent grades, great artist, played multiple instruments, always more mature than people my own age. So no one saw any problems, but they couldn't possibly have known what was going on inside.
I fear grew inside of me, of making commitments and plans for later dates, because I knew my mood would change. During what I now recognize as the mania phases I would be full of energy and life; pouring all my efforts into bettering myself, learning music, drawing, reading, feeling spiritually alive. I would do things I never would otherwise. I got a tattoo over a year ago at the peak of one of these phases. I drew it up and HAD to get it. The thought of it was eating away at my mind, I couldn't sleep at night, all I thought about was having it. This is just one of the experiences during my "highs" but there are many others.
And then the crash would come. Sometimes lasting for days, other times weeks and even months. Feeling invisible and disconnected from reality. Starring at myself in the mirror as if I were hollow, looking into my own eyes and feeling like a shell. The day would arrive where an event I had planned while in a manic state, and I wouldn't care. I would go to whatever I had planned but feel like a robot, automatic, just going through the motions. I've learned to hide how truly disinterested I am by engaging in small talk and all other 'normal' behavior. Yet even so there are times when what is going on inside slips out.
For a long time I turned to alcohol, and got drunk nearly every day while I was still in highschool, alone, and no one ever knew. Since then I've stopped drinking because ultimately it only made the depression worse.
I'm now almost 21 and have been living this way for 7-8 years. I believe that it is this condition who created me as the person I am today. I love the high's feeling limitless and untouchable; it is something I fear losing. Yet even the depression that hits, has caused me to look at other peoples situations in life with sympathy and understanding. It's the darkness that takes control of me that has given me greater insight into the nature of life and existence... yet all the same it has brought me nearly to death; waking up day after day, having so many who love me, yet not caring or unable to care. During the low's I would frequently sit for hours thinking about suicide, planning ways to do it in case it ever came to that; but I never actually attempt it because I know how many people will be affected, and so I choose to live for them.
My grandmother has a woman in her church who is bipolar and she speaks of her as if she were some deeply disturbed zombie in need of pity. Is this my fate if I reveal to the ones closest to me what eats away inside me? The great thing about the internet is the anononymity it provides, being able to reveal your deepest truths to total strangers without reprucussion.
As I type this I've just come out of one of the most sever low cycle of depression I've had in my life. I'm at a neutral equillibrium at this point (or as neutral as I can imagine). What spurrs on my typing this is an event that took place last week. I sat in my room clearing my mind, meditating I guess, and old locked up memories of past trauma came rushing back into my mind. Things I had forgotten, a person I was before this became like new to me.
Have you ever fallen asleep in the middle of the day, and awoken hours later in darkness, not knowing where you are or what day it is? For me I didn't know who I was or even what decade I was in (I thought it was sometime in the mid 90's) For a long time in my life I have been hiding in plain sight. The only way I could cope was by putting up a front of disinterest and aggression towards all who got too close. Was this a mental breakdown, years of suppressed trauma all comming to a head, or God trying to change my spirit? I don't know. It's hard to differentiate between the soul and mind. Many of the past 'spiritual' experiences I had quite possibly may have been mental breaks. I'm not even sure who I am anymore.
I don't really know what to do. I can't deal with the low phase of the cycle. I pray constantly for help, for God to heal my mind, though I don't think I was meant to live as a normal person. It's hard for me to look at all the happy people around me smiling and having to force it, when I'm feeling nothing at all. I have nothing to be unhappy about; I have a loving family, a place to live, food to eat, doing great in college, talent in the arts... And yet when I enter those dark phases none of it matters. All I feel is loneliness eating at me me, leaving me empty. During those times I pray to see angels or to feel something, anything at all.
Can anyone who has gone on medication tell me what it is like? How do I get help... I'm afraid of telling my mom about this, and likewise I'm afraid that the doctor or whoever I'm sent to will try to have me locked away. I'll be labled an outcast, people will look at my as that 'crazy' guy. I guess I'm just rambling now. The words of Macbeth bring this emotional low to life:
To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.