I hope that my post doesn't offend anyone, and I apologize for its length. I'm just being honest about my life up until this point, and I need your support, as well as God's. I want to change. I no longer want to journey down this dark path that I'm on, and I believe only God can help me now.
Let me start off by saying that I wasn't raised in a Christian home nor was I baptized (I plan on getting baptized soon though). However, my mother and other relatives would sometimes talk to me about God, Christianity, and Jesus. On the other hand, my aunt (self-proclaimed psychic) and cousins would talk to me about Tarot cards and that sort of thing (and sometimes they still do). Regardless, I was always interested in God and whether or not I was cut off from God--or if I was going to hell. Additionally, I'm very interested in Christian apologetics.
For the most part growing up I was a very introverted person with low self-esteem who just stayed in his room all day playing video games and looking at pornography. I never had a girlfriend, kissed or did anything with a woman until I was around 23 (mostly because I was shy, low self-esteem, etc.); and I lost my virginity around 25 to my first girlfriend who I just recently separated from. I met this woman on the Internet when I was 21-22. She was in a similar situation I was in, although she was a little more successful and normal than I (she earned a Bachelor's degree and had more experience with the outside world). It took us around two years of talking on the phone every day to finally meet in person (she lives in a different state).
After our initial meeting, we would meet each other every month or so, maybe more, to have sex and go on dates. We even met each others families. We considered ourselves a couple and supported, loved, and shared our secrets with each other. This unusual relationship went on for about seven years in total. Towards the end of the seven years (last three years), she would break up with me, then get back together with me. Say she loved me, then say she didn't. Back and forth--up and down. This person was my best friend and lover (I thought she was my soul mate), but it was becoming increasingly obvious that she no longer wanted to be with me. Finally, it ended with her cheating on me about five months ago with some guy she randomly picked up on Craigslist. She told me she did this to prove to herself and to me that it was really over, that she no longer loved me. I also learned later from her that she tried cheating on me once before with a coworker at some bar, but the guy didn't return her advances.
Unfortunately, when I learned that she cheated on me and after she irrevocably ended our relationship, I did some disgusting and regrettable things to her--to get back at her, I suppose. First, I invaded her privacy by going through her e-mail to find out who she was talking to. From her e-mail I was able to find out the guy's e-mail. Then I contacted him to find out if she really did cheat on me and to what extent. The guy confirmed what she said, but I found out a few days later (from my ex's own mouth) that they were both lying to me independently about what they did with each other. After my e-mail exchange with this man, he decided to contact my ex to complain. This caused my ex to confront me over the phone about what I did, which lead to me lying about contacting the guy. I told her he contacted me first. A stupid and immoral lie, but I felt like a cornered animal. I was afraid of losing somebody I cared about more than anything. My lie frightened her because she thought the guy was stalking her. When I fully realized my lie was causing her distress, I told her the truth. That's when she told me she never wanted to talk to or see me again (after we broke up, I wanted to remain friends). I e-mailed her an apology and asked her to try to understand how hurt and desperate I was--and she responded with a patronizing e-mail recommending that I go see a therapist, that she no longer wanted to be my friend, etc. That's when I lost it and responded back by writing a hateful e-mail detailing her infidelity, how she's been stringing me along and using me, how she was emotionally abusive, etc., then I sent this e-mail to her friends and family via her e-mail.
It took me a day to regret my actions; I began apologizing to her through e-mail, texts, and voice mails. I told her mom on facebook that I was sorry. No response from either. It wasn't until a week or two passed when she contacted me around New Years to tell me that it was nice of me to apologize, that she was trying to move on with her life, and if I ever "harassed" her or her family again, then she would get the police involved. It took awhile for me to heed her request. I still loved her and missed talking to and seeing her--and every time I pictured her with another man it felt like I was being punched in the stomach. I felt like I was dying. This lead to me sending her an e-mail one week telling her how much I missed her, how sorry I was, then in the next sending her an e-mail rebuking her for what she did to me. This went on for about 1 1/2 months and lead to her contacting me again. In her e-mail she gave me a final warning to leave her alone or she'll get the police involved. I listened.
But then two weeks later, she contacted me under her own volition by calling my cell. I missed the call, so the next day she texted me a bunch of messages scolding me for the e-mail I sent her family. I called her cell and we began to talk for the first time in two months. I apologized to her and she apologized to me. She told me she gained a lot of weight and asked me if I would still find her attractive. In other words, she felt unattractive and desperate, so she needed me to reassure and make her feel good. We even arranged to see each other in a week's time. For a week we talked like we were friends again and would talk about sexual things. Then out of nowhere, she told me that she didn't want to meet, that she no longer wanted to talk to me, and that she was still angry about what I did. A week passed until I decided to send her one final e-mail telling her to never contact me again, that she just used me, again, that she was garbage, etc. She responded with something along the lines of "leave me alone."
When a month passed with neither of us attempting to contact the other, I decided that I needed to take responsibility for the damage caused by the e-mail I sent her family. You see, after I invaded her e-mail and sent that letter, she felt that she needed to purchase $500 worth of computer security. I felt bad about this so I attempted to make amends by sending her a letter with $500 enclosed. The letter was meant to be a final apology and good bye, but it ended with us talking on the phone again (which was probably an ulterior motive of mine, even though I really did want to leave her alone). We started planning to meet again in May and were once again talking. Things went on like this for about a week or so when she suddenly started texting and leaving voicemails asking me to come over right away because her mother was on vacation. So I ended up driving to her house that night and sleeping with her. Afterwards, we talked for only a few more days before she changed her tune again. She told me she "didn't want to do this anymore" and that she didn't want to talk to me anymore. I obliged.
But when the Boston bombings occurred, I had to make sure she was OK--which lead to us talking for a few more days. She seemed happy that I checked up on her. However, she became irritated with me when I flirted with her--which lead to her not returning my calls for several days. When she finally did get in contact with me again, it was in the form of a text. I'm paraphrasing. "I'm not your friend. That e-mail you sent my family cannot be undone, much like what those bombers did in Boston cannot be done, no matter how sorry you are. Get lost."
That text was sent to me about a week ago.
---
I don't know what to do.
I know this woman is bad for me. In fact, prior to her telling me to get lost, I prayed to God for Him to harden her heart towards me, and my heart towards her. I said this out of principle, with the stronger part of my being, even though the weaker part of me wants to continue this broken and sinful relationship, which I know isn't God's will. I know that what I'm doing is displeasing to the Lord. But I feel so alone. I miss being with a woman in every capacity. I love women. But in particular, I miss this woman. She was my best friend and a very special person to me. But she also cheated on me, emotionally abused me, and is an agnostic who appears to dislike Christianity. She is also a sexual deviant, as am I (although she's the only woman that I've had sex with)--which is why I think the relationship is over. I believe God is giving me a second chance to do the right thing and to maybe one day find a real wife who is a legitimate Christian. I just want a woman who I can love, make happy, be loyal to, and one day have children with. But I'm afraid I'm too old and have little to offer. I'm not even a genuine Christian yet (I don't attend or belong to any church--nor am I baptized).
My ex's influence wasn't entirely bad though. She motivated me to get my driver license, get a job, go back to college, etc. If I didn't meet her, then I'd probably still be in my room doing absolutely nothing.
Then I worry about my sinful ways. Primarily, I have trouble controlling lustful/perverted thoughts. I also worry that I don't take God seriously enough--and that I am not saved--or will never be saved. I worry that I might be one of the people that Jesus never knew. I've repeatedly asked God to kill me if there's no hope for me, because if there is no hope and nothing better for me on the other side, then I don't want to live anymore.
Let me start off by saying that I wasn't raised in a Christian home nor was I baptized (I plan on getting baptized soon though). However, my mother and other relatives would sometimes talk to me about God, Christianity, and Jesus. On the other hand, my aunt (self-proclaimed psychic) and cousins would talk to me about Tarot cards and that sort of thing (and sometimes they still do). Regardless, I was always interested in God and whether or not I was cut off from God--or if I was going to hell. Additionally, I'm very interested in Christian apologetics.
For the most part growing up I was a very introverted person with low self-esteem who just stayed in his room all day playing video games and looking at pornography. I never had a girlfriend, kissed or did anything with a woman until I was around 23 (mostly because I was shy, low self-esteem, etc.); and I lost my virginity around 25 to my first girlfriend who I just recently separated from. I met this woman on the Internet when I was 21-22. She was in a similar situation I was in, although she was a little more successful and normal than I (she earned a Bachelor's degree and had more experience with the outside world). It took us around two years of talking on the phone every day to finally meet in person (she lives in a different state).
After our initial meeting, we would meet each other every month or so, maybe more, to have sex and go on dates. We even met each others families. We considered ourselves a couple and supported, loved, and shared our secrets with each other. This unusual relationship went on for about seven years in total. Towards the end of the seven years (last three years), she would break up with me, then get back together with me. Say she loved me, then say she didn't. Back and forth--up and down. This person was my best friend and lover (I thought she was my soul mate), but it was becoming increasingly obvious that she no longer wanted to be with me. Finally, it ended with her cheating on me about five months ago with some guy she randomly picked up on Craigslist. She told me she did this to prove to herself and to me that it was really over, that she no longer loved me. I also learned later from her that she tried cheating on me once before with a coworker at some bar, but the guy didn't return her advances.
Unfortunately, when I learned that she cheated on me and after she irrevocably ended our relationship, I did some disgusting and regrettable things to her--to get back at her, I suppose. First, I invaded her privacy by going through her e-mail to find out who she was talking to. From her e-mail I was able to find out the guy's e-mail. Then I contacted him to find out if she really did cheat on me and to what extent. The guy confirmed what she said, but I found out a few days later (from my ex's own mouth) that they were both lying to me independently about what they did with each other. After my e-mail exchange with this man, he decided to contact my ex to complain. This caused my ex to confront me over the phone about what I did, which lead to me lying about contacting the guy. I told her he contacted me first. A stupid and immoral lie, but I felt like a cornered animal. I was afraid of losing somebody I cared about more than anything. My lie frightened her because she thought the guy was stalking her. When I fully realized my lie was causing her distress, I told her the truth. That's when she told me she never wanted to talk to or see me again (after we broke up, I wanted to remain friends). I e-mailed her an apology and asked her to try to understand how hurt and desperate I was--and she responded with a patronizing e-mail recommending that I go see a therapist, that she no longer wanted to be my friend, etc. That's when I lost it and responded back by writing a hateful e-mail detailing her infidelity, how she's been stringing me along and using me, how she was emotionally abusive, etc., then I sent this e-mail to her friends and family via her e-mail.
It took me a day to regret my actions; I began apologizing to her through e-mail, texts, and voice mails. I told her mom on facebook that I was sorry. No response from either. It wasn't until a week or two passed when she contacted me around New Years to tell me that it was nice of me to apologize, that she was trying to move on with her life, and if I ever "harassed" her or her family again, then she would get the police involved. It took awhile for me to heed her request. I still loved her and missed talking to and seeing her--and every time I pictured her with another man it felt like I was being punched in the stomach. I felt like I was dying. This lead to me sending her an e-mail one week telling her how much I missed her, how sorry I was, then in the next sending her an e-mail rebuking her for what she did to me. This went on for about 1 1/2 months and lead to her contacting me again. In her e-mail she gave me a final warning to leave her alone or she'll get the police involved. I listened.
But then two weeks later, she contacted me under her own volition by calling my cell. I missed the call, so the next day she texted me a bunch of messages scolding me for the e-mail I sent her family. I called her cell and we began to talk for the first time in two months. I apologized to her and she apologized to me. She told me she gained a lot of weight and asked me if I would still find her attractive. In other words, she felt unattractive and desperate, so she needed me to reassure and make her feel good. We even arranged to see each other in a week's time. For a week we talked like we were friends again and would talk about sexual things. Then out of nowhere, she told me that she didn't want to meet, that she no longer wanted to talk to me, and that she was still angry about what I did. A week passed until I decided to send her one final e-mail telling her to never contact me again, that she just used me, again, that she was garbage, etc. She responded with something along the lines of "leave me alone."
When a month passed with neither of us attempting to contact the other, I decided that I needed to take responsibility for the damage caused by the e-mail I sent her family. You see, after I invaded her e-mail and sent that letter, she felt that she needed to purchase $500 worth of computer security. I felt bad about this so I attempted to make amends by sending her a letter with $500 enclosed. The letter was meant to be a final apology and good bye, but it ended with us talking on the phone again (which was probably an ulterior motive of mine, even though I really did want to leave her alone). We started planning to meet again in May and were once again talking. Things went on like this for about a week or so when she suddenly started texting and leaving voicemails asking me to come over right away because her mother was on vacation. So I ended up driving to her house that night and sleeping with her. Afterwards, we talked for only a few more days before she changed her tune again. She told me she "didn't want to do this anymore" and that she didn't want to talk to me anymore. I obliged.
But when the Boston bombings occurred, I had to make sure she was OK--which lead to us talking for a few more days. She seemed happy that I checked up on her. However, she became irritated with me when I flirted with her--which lead to her not returning my calls for several days. When she finally did get in contact with me again, it was in the form of a text. I'm paraphrasing. "I'm not your friend. That e-mail you sent my family cannot be undone, much like what those bombers did in Boston cannot be done, no matter how sorry you are. Get lost."
That text was sent to me about a week ago.
---
I don't know what to do.
I know this woman is bad for me. In fact, prior to her telling me to get lost, I prayed to God for Him to harden her heart towards me, and my heart towards her. I said this out of principle, with the stronger part of my being, even though the weaker part of me wants to continue this broken and sinful relationship, which I know isn't God's will. I know that what I'm doing is displeasing to the Lord. But I feel so alone. I miss being with a woman in every capacity. I love women. But in particular, I miss this woman. She was my best friend and a very special person to me. But she also cheated on me, emotionally abused me, and is an agnostic who appears to dislike Christianity. She is also a sexual deviant, as am I (although she's the only woman that I've had sex with)--which is why I think the relationship is over. I believe God is giving me a second chance to do the right thing and to maybe one day find a real wife who is a legitimate Christian. I just want a woman who I can love, make happy, be loyal to, and one day have children with. But I'm afraid I'm too old and have little to offer. I'm not even a genuine Christian yet (I don't attend or belong to any church--nor am I baptized).
My ex's influence wasn't entirely bad though. She motivated me to get my driver license, get a job, go back to college, etc. If I didn't meet her, then I'd probably still be in my room doing absolutely nothing.
Then I worry about my sinful ways. Primarily, I have trouble controlling lustful/perverted thoughts. I also worry that I don't take God seriously enough--and that I am not saved--or will never be saved. I worry that I might be one of the people that Jesus never knew. I've repeatedly asked God to kill me if there's no hope for me, because if there is no hope and nothing better for me on the other side, then I don't want to live anymore.
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