I don't know how to feel

Hi nicolacov
I am so sorry for your lost Riding an emotional roller-coaster is never easy. I have always heard that when one loses a spouse after a troubled marriage it is harder to deal with the emotions that come with grief and this is really quite understandable. That it has almost been a year since your husbands passing and you still feel uncertain about how you feel is not surprising, though I know it probably causes you a great deal of distress. Grief has no time limit and each of us have to work through it in our own way, but hopefully we have family, friends or a group that we can open up to about our feelings and express them without fear of disapproval.
My husband passed away May22,2002 and still there are times when I don't know how I feel. We were married for 36 years, the first 10 were pretty rough and there was a lot of heartache. Our last years were very different we because we had grown together into the couple we shoul have been. Thinking about our early years if my husband had passed away I believe I would have felt much like you do, because there would have been no healing from the hurts. What I'm trying to say I guess, is don't become guilt ridden because you don't know whether you should be sad. Take each day as it comes, teach your children to remember the good and positive things of their father and know that you will be ok.
God bless you sweetie as you travel through this season of your life and may God give you comfort and wisdom as you move on

Life isn't always easy for us, is it? I lost my wife last year to COPD and it was such a hard disease to watch take her.I prayed alot and saw healings take place but never her lungs until He came for her. I knew when she passesd all was well for her. She was with Jesus and her lungs were new. So saddened as I was by her passing Jesus gave me hope.
You too can get that same hope through Him, just ask. Your marriage may have been rough and abusive but now Jesus wants to step in and heal you. Forgive your husband and move forward in Christ. God Bless and good luck as you take a step intp a new life. Be strong and trust God.... Dan

Mixed emotions are hard to deal with. Just remembering the "good" things hardly seems honest or real.

Hi Nicolacov

I have not been on this particular forum for about 5 years. I first posted awhile after my wife passed away. I don't know why I was drawn here at this time.

My situation was similar to yours - although the reverse. Also, my family was all grown. I went for several months without expressing grief. Then, one day, the dam broke and I had an emotional meltdown.

As long as you are not holding grief in, you are probably ok. You have made it through Christmas and the special days that cause emotions to arise. So, you sound like you are "under sail" again.

I don't know how to be.

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Be how you are. Feel your feelings, but realize you can not camp out on Negative feelings. There has been a change (good/bad) in your life. You need time to adjust. The caldendar cures alot. I hate it when people make Saints out of someone just cause they died. Somehow we are taught we are not to speak ill of the dead. The truth is the truth, WE ALL have our faults, none of us is/were perfect.

Funerals are for the living-part of it is letting go. Whatever hurt you have try letting it go. If the dead were "bad" perhpas it is best their life not be recounted in every detail to your children, but rather the good attributes (not sainted) be remembered.
Children will have questions, & they need be answered, but you don't have to be Hemmingway.

As for you, you have to figure out how to be single, which we all should have to do be fore we get married (but I digress). It can be a great time of growth. Your marriage was a part (important yes, but only a part) of who you are. You are still you and YOU are valuable enough (somebody died for you) as you. I see progress already. You are getting stronger, by just being able to face the truth.

Prayers...
from someone who's been there--(and recovered)
Grace

I didn't know we had this forum on CF! My heartfelt sympathy to nicolacov and the others who have lost mates. My Barb went to the Lord Dec. 18th, 2009 from lupus complications. Her kidneys had shut down and she was in very poor shape. She was so very loving and good to me, my perfect soul mate from God. I am beginning to heal as you will too. I went through a grief group put on by our local hospice, and also to a grief counselor. I can't recommend those too much! Plus, I had support from folks on the internet and family.

It is normal to feel abnormal without that special person by your side. God will see you through all this and you will heal. I couldn't believe I would ever feel any better than the first day without my Barb, but with God's help, I am slowly coming back. You will too.

I hope in some small way my probably-inadequate contribution here may have helped.

I know how you feel or dont, I found out after my husband died april 30th 2011 some things that hurt me deeply, it made griving hard, so many emotions.We were married 18 years. Went to church makes it even worse to find out what i have about him.

Sending Prayers up for you