I don't know how to be a good wife

[Emjay1985]

I prayed for my future husband for years before I even knew who God had picked out for me. I thought we would be equal partners sharing everything in life. I imagined us doing the dishes side by side once our children were in bed, and afterwards relaxing together. I imagined us praying with and for each other at the beginning and end of each day.

Everything was great when we were courting. We were both kind, considerate, and respectful towards each other, and he got along really well with my daughter. People told us that would all change once we were married and the honeymoon phase ended. I didn't believe them. I thought we just had to keep making a constant conscious effort. But they were right and soon after our wedding things started to change. I think we were both to blame.

I can't speak for him so this is all only one side of the coin. For years I poured out my everything trying to be a good wife and mum, but nothing was ever good enough for him. I worked to 36 weeks with each of our children, he wanted me to work to 38 weeks. I had to return to full time work when they were ten weeks old so that we could pay our bills. He would ignore me all day and only approach me late at night. I felt like some house slave - nanny hybrid. I did not feel loved, respected, or equal. I stopped respecting him. I stopped loving him and being loving towards him. I thought of leaving and taking the kids with me. By his attitude I think he wanted us to leave. The final straw was when he quit his first full time job in three years after just three days. My job had just ended because I was about to start studying. We couldn't get financial assistance. We had no savings. I packed his bags and told him to get out. Our children and I moved in with my mum. He rents his own place.

We're working on our marriage, slowly. He comes over daily to have dinner with us and spend time with the children and put them to bed. We have family days out where we go to the playground and pet store, go for bush walks, go to the lagoon to feed the birds, etc. We're friendly towards each other. He's in counselling. I go for joint sessions when the counselor recommends it. I want us to one day get back together, to live under one roof as husband and wife again. He's had a full time job for a few months now. I'm studying towards becoming a midwife, partly because I have a passion for it, and partially because it pays well and I never want my children living in poverty again.

He's trying to make things better and my fears are holding me back. I'm afraid that if we move back in that things will go back to the way they used to be; with me doing the lion's share of bread-winning, home-making, parenting, etc. I'm afraid that it'll go back to me pouring out my everything and getting almost nothing in return. I'm afraid that I'll never regain the full measure of love and respect I once had for him. I can't bring myself to yield/submit to him anymore.

I know we need more of God in our marriage but he doesn't seem to want anything to do with God. I don't think we can have a good marriage without God in it.

 

[Scottmcc1]

but he doesn't seem to want anything to do with God. I don't think we can have a good marriage without God in it.

There is your answer. Pray morning, noon and night for your husband to be truly saved. Also pray for what is your role.

 

[seeingeyes]

He's trying to make things better and my fears are holding me back. I'm afraid that if we move back in that things will go back to the way they used to be; with me doing the lion's share of bread-winning, home-making, parenting, etc. I'm afraid that it'll go back to me pouring out my everything and getting almost nothing in return. I'm afraid that I'll never regain the full measure of love and respect I once had for him. I can't bring myself to yield/submit to him anymore.

I know we need more of God in our marriage but he doesn't seem to want anything to do with God. I don't think we can have a good marriage without God in it.

Print this out and bring it to the next counseling session that you go to. He needs to hear these things if he is going to have any chance to win you over again.

 

[ValleyGal]

Even unequally yoked marriages can be good ones. Don't be too quick to move back in, but make sure that the time apart is used for getting back together. I rarely ever counsel anyone to separate while working on marriage (except in abuse situations). If it is truly both your goals to get back together, then okay, but if even one of you has any inkling of permanent dissolution, being apart won't work. The reason is exactly what you suggested - your fears of it becoming exactly what it was before. When a couple is separated, it's easy to go back to a courting feeling and dynamic. But then when they move back in together, they are faced with exactly the issues that drove them apart to start with - and they are unequipped to deal with them. However, if you move back in together and continue the counselling while you are living in that dynamic, it's much easier to identify and address the real issues rather than your memory of the issues. So don't wait too long, or it just may never happen.

Also, I know that you are in new Zealand, but this book might be available there....Dr. John Gottman's "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." It talks about some of the very things you bring up, like respect and consideration. Gottman does not use those two words specifically, but he does say that friendship is the glue for successful marriages, and then he identifies what "friendship" means - being genuinely interested in even the minutia of each other's lives, turning towards each other, nurturing fondness and admiration...that's just part of it. I honestly think this book will benefit you and your husband. There are exercises and assessments in it to do as well. Of all the great marriage books out there, this one is the most practical, most helpful, and is the only one based on 40 years of scientific research.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Some say its best not to repeat mistakes more than once. Others say til death do us part. I'm not sure anymore.

 

[mkgal1]

Emjay.....there is a thread in the women's only section that has an article on how to know if he's changing. Here is the link. You may have to request access, if you can't get the link to work (let me know if the link doesn't work for you).

http://www.christianforums.com/t7650147-3/

 

[friendlysusan]

Emjay....The question you have in your heart is not a problem it's just a tough phase in your life as a couple. Let's focus on few things first,

From what you described earlier, I understand that you wanted your husband to equally share marital responsibilities and that dissatisfaction can be genuinely felt. However, when you say your husband only approached you at night and that sex was all about him . I guess when you say, you worked all day and at night you felt like a sex doll and you hated the way it made you feel. It's always good to speak up when something bothers you deep inside your heart because if you don't then eventually the problem becomes a termite and damages the relationship's core.

Pray to God and let him heal you from within. I understand that you want to be together once again and have a happy life but ask your counseller if the time is right. Before you get back resolve any recurring issues. Be open to one another, be honest to each other and talk freely without any inhibitions, share your feeling to him. Tell him that you want him to be more empathetic and responsible. That ways he can share his expectations with you too. Have a constructive conversation.

Deep affection, love, respect and friendship will create a strong marital bond. Learn to forgive one another and become each other's strength.

 

[LinkH]

Emjay1985,

I'm sorry to hear about the problems in your marriage. The following verses from I Corinthians 7 come to mind.

10 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
(NIV)

I don't know your background like some other posters do. But it does sound like there are some good signs. He's going to counseling and working a full-time job. Did he quit the first full-time job for some unusual reason, like being asked to do something he considered wrong, or someone on the job threatening him or insulting him? Apparently, he's working now, and that's a good thing.

They say wives want to have sex if they feel loved, and that husbands have sex in order to feel loved. I think there is some truth to that for a lot of people. If a husband has been busy with hobbies after work, and wants to have sex with his wife, he may want to do that for some kind of pleasure or release, but he may also want to have that emotional connection with her. But if the wife is upset about being ignored, and may feel he is cruel to ask for such a thing without showing her some attention first. If a couple aren't getting along, the man may think having sex is a good idea. He doesn't want his wife to be angry at him, and the idea of receiving her love through the sexual act sounds good to him. But a woman in this situation may think, "He just wants me for my body. He doesn't love me as a person." Really, it's just the case that they are wired differently.

Something else to be concerned about is cycles of bickering, resentment, and not getting along. You don't feel loved by him, so you stop respecting him. He picks up on your attitude and doesn't like it and speaks gruffly to him. So you respond with coldness, and he responds negatively. You have to both be aware of the cycle and break it when this happens. You can break it yourself with kindness and respect, and also pointing out that you are in the cycle again.

These are things you can talk through and agree to work through together.

If you want to reconcile and live together again, you'll need to just take that leap and do it. What do you think the Lord wants you to do about this? Do you think He wants you to reconcile?

You eat dinner together. It sounds like you are a normal married couple except you don't sleep in the same bed and there is an extra rent payment. Financially, not reconciling is costly. If you aren't having sex, that can take a toll on the relationship and make him more open to temptation to make decisions that could make it harder to reconcile down the road. Statistically, children in two-parent homes turn out better than in single mother homes on a number of metrics.

 

[akmom]

It sounds like you put your foot down when you needed to. And it worked. He got a full-time job and pursued counseling. Presumably he is also doing his own housework, since he has his own place. He participates in his children's lives, through deliberate activities.

Perhaps separating him from that role of dependency (counting on you for most of the income, housework and parenting) was all he needed to be productive himself and also appreciate what you do. When I was a kid, my mother was very much the "nag" who thought my dad was responsible for making sure she was happy, and always blamed him because she wasn't. Under the threat of divorce, she got a job, and it turned out that was what she needed. At work she developed the social connections she needed, so she didn't exhaust my dad. She was occupied during the day, so she didn't spend her time bored and resentful. And she came home tired after work, just like my dad, so the two of them just wanted to relax. I know that just having a job made my mom understand and appreciate my dad more, and their marriage improved greatly.

One of our family friends separated with the intent of divorce, and his wife took the kids and got a job in another state. When he went to visit the kids the first time, he never came back. They reconciled. Apparently she got what she needed in life during that transition, and they realized it when they met again.

If you set some goals and guidelines in counseling, perhaps it will be all you need to move back together without falling into the same poor dynamics you had. I can't speak from experience on your situation, but I know that premarital counseling helped my husband and I prepare for marriage and living together. Maybe the counseling sessions you are having can serve the same purpose, establishing some guidelines for how you will interact once you get back together. If you both want it to work, and you have a plan, I think there's a good chance that you won't simply go back to old dynamics.