I don't feel right...

[Sapphira Opalistik]

I was adopted when I was 14 from a foster home that I had attended for 6 years. My family before that had been deeply loving, caring, and kind- I had never known loneliness or pain before enterring my foster home. I was removed because the State became angry that my mother was advocating for family's with mentally ill children and thought that she was trying to sabotage the State's public funding. (In other words: if you don't stop telling people they can get free care, we'll start taking your children... yes, they can do that)

Well, anyway. My birth family is and was pagan. Not wiccan, but pagan. (My nationality is Celtic)

I'm starting to have memory of my foster home, which I haven't had in years. (I used to describe being in my foster home as just "waking up" one day when I was 13 and not knowing where I was or why I was so sad.)

These memories are really scaring me. One in particular regarding my first time in a church.

I was 9, I had never been to a Christian service before. I was stuffed into a horrible hand-me-down dress and dragged to a place with a bunch of other kids. The pastor's wife asked me to pray (assuming I was a christian like most children) and not knowing what to do, I gave a pagan blessing that I had heard around Beltane (pagan festival of the spring, May 1st). Let's put it really short and sweet what the outcome was: I was beaten senseless for speaking "those words" in a house of God.

I'm getting others too, like being tied down to a chair in the kitchen with my head forced back to stare at a clock high up on the wall- 1 hour for every minute that my foster mother couldn't hear me singing louder than the pastor during service. I once spent 12 hours...

I'm attending a Christian college currently as a Missions major, but I'm starting to think that I need to leave. I've tried so hard to give my life to God, I've constantly read the word, and try to worship and give God my whole self.

The people around me are starting to repulse me. Everything that I'm hearing regarding faith and the bible brings a sick feeling to my stomach, all I can remember is my foster mother and her dragging me around the alter by my ear screaming in tongues and explaining later that she was "getting the demons out of me".

I honestly don't think I'm being spiritually attacked. But the memories are horrible and extremely vivid. The kind of ones that make me feel completely unloved by god and want to leave.

This is my last resort. I've been talking to some people on other forums that say what I experienced was "spiritual abuse" and that I need to leave immeadiately. I've been twisting thoughts around in my head, and what these others are saying does make sense.

So yeah, I don't know what to do. I pray constantly but it's not working. I've had others pray for me and it's also not working. I'm constantly in the word, but it's leaving me with a sour taste. I've spoken to several pastors, but they all believe that my foster mother did the right thing. Nothing seems to be taking away the hurt. I've asked god, I've waited upon Him, I accepted Christ when I was 13, I was baptised at 14. I just feel dead inside. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.

 

[tapero]

Dear Sapphira,

Hi, I am sorry for all you went through and are going through now. Are you seeing a counselor. It would really help you through this rough time if you did see one I think.

Don't let what the pastors say throw you. If they aren't trained in counseling, which many aren't, they may not have understood what you were saying. There are understanding people out there for you. Please don't stop trying to find them.

God bless you, Tapero

 

[NoddaProbBob]

Let me start here. one thing that I've kinda learned is not to run away from your calling. There is a reason that you are there. And maybe you haven't seen it yet, but there is a reason. I wish I could give you that reason, but I can't.
And yes, I do believe that what this sounds like is spiritual abuse. But don't let others repulse you. All you need to do is tone out what everyone else is thinking and get into what God's saying.
I also wanted to point out that I think that you were forced into Christianity. Which maybe could be why you are feeling so empty.

And do not fall into the pastors ploys. The pastors that you have talked to, must be off their rockers because how does a man of God condone that, or agree with it, or none the less, a woman of God make you do that.
Those obviously weren't examples of God, and they shame God in the way that they have taken his name, and have not been examples of his ways.

It almost makes you have to look a little further than just what the word of God is saying, and put it to use in your own personal happenings.

About the praying, remember, Good things happen in time. God will never leave you when you need him most, and you need him most now. And He hasn't left you. You're lost and confused in the scars that people have left on you. But it will be ok. And I know that doesn't make it all better, or make you feel more secure, but just let go and let God take your pain.

I hope things work out. God has you in the place you are for a reason, and his plans for you will be revealed. Don't run. Thats not what God has in store for you.

 

[Sapphira Opalistik]

I've been thinking about it for a few days: if people believe that I was forced into Christianity, and that it wasn't actually my decision; why should I stay? Everything around me that is Christian seems to bring me pain.

I haven't gone to church in a couple of weeks, and I'm starting to feel better. I'm thinking of taking a possible sabattical from everything to see how I am.

 

[NoddaProbBob]

You should do whatever you think is best for you right now, but I wouldn't just stop going to church totally.

things may seem bad now, but they will work out.



Good things take time my friend

 

[livingword26]

Do you think you are forgiven of your sins? Or do you think that you have to perform at a certain level to be saved? Jesus want no more than to have a relationship with you. You were abused in the name of God. There is no worse abuse than that. Don't let peoples actions reflect on who God really is. You are forgiven. You can't do anymore to be saved than that. Trust Jesus and continue to pray. Seek help. There are people that can help you, but if you are in a church that thinks what was done to you was good, you need to find a different one. What kind of Church are you attending now?

 

[Protinus]

Dear sapphira: rest and replenish yourself. No matter what you do, try to deal with the frustration and anger that may be growing inside of you. Do this first!! The anger may have to be rooted out with the help of a counselor...even though you may not feel angry right now. This is the most destructive emotion and most insidious.

We are set on a path to know ourselves. We open or close ourselves to our Lord and sometimes we are not even aware of our relationship with Him. Rest now and know yourself, lend yourself to others, help others to know you- be of service to others. This opens doors to our Lord and you would would be amazed what happens sometimes.

Appeal to your heart and all that is good around you. Others will open up their hearts and you will be ready to experience a quiet place of grace and knowing yourself. And your path will be that of knowing your Lord.

 

[Orchids]

What you experienced was not Christianity.... it was a false Christianity. If you read the Bible very much, and see who Jesus was, and find a church that lines up with the Bible says, then you will have the real thing. Pray a lot for guidance from God.

 

[Sapphira Opalistik]

*sigh*

I've been reading other posts on this forum. Mainly in this section.

I think I've made the decision to completely break away from Christianity.

I never entered the religion on my own to begin with. I only fully converted because I wanted people to stop hurting me.

I have no clue where I'm going from here. I don't want to return to my family's religion either, the sound of Agnosticism is what I need right now. Just to be able to chill out and study and relax for myself without having to deal with "did you repent for ALL your sins"? or "Jesus loves you, just love and obey Him!"

I guess what I'm really saying is, something this week was a situation that was the straw that broke the camel's back.

If the mods wish to kick me off the forum, I don't care. I'm going to post a final goodbye on another part of the forum and take my break.

I'll come back when my head is clear again.

Thanks for the kind words,

S.

 

[restore]

U r deeply hurt. and that trauma is horrible...........I v been there and still coming back each night most of the time.

It is wrong to abuse a child!
It is wrong to hurt and beating a child to death!
It is wrong to force urself to attend any service or mission etc....

It is okay to leave for a while.and Jesus understands if He really cares for u.

remember, try to find real loving and caring friends even just pen pals. I m here if u feel need to talk, too.

 

[lilymarie]

*sigh*

I've been reading other posts on this forum. Mainly in this section.

I think I've made the decision to completely break away from Christianity.

I never entered the religion on my own to begin with. I only fully converted because I wanted people to stop hurting me.

I have no clue where I'm going from here. I don't want to return to my family's religion either, the sound of Agnosticism is what I need right now. Just to be able to chill out and study and relax for myself without having to deal with "did you repent for ALL your sins"? or "Jesus loves you, just love and obey Him!"

I guess what I'm really saying is, something this week was a situation that was the straw that broke the camel's back.

If the mods wish to kick me off the forum, I don't care. I'm going to post a final goodbye on another part of the forum and take my break.

I'll come back when my head is clear again.

Thanks for the kind words,

S.

Hi S,

Just remember that Jesus said he will never leave you nor forsake you.

I want to share with you that I was raped "in the church" by a youth leader of that church. It took years to get over it, mainly because I didn't know how to deal with the betrayal. I have been abused by other men as well, but I want to discuss this incident within the church.

First remember "the church" is made up of falliable people; people trying to seek The Lord and follow his way, but not all are there yet, and certainly no one on this earth will ever be perfect.

Jesus is the only perfect one.

After my rape by a person 'in church', I was repulsed by Christianity also. It took me years to learn that it is not a church I worship; it is not a church who died for me so that I might live.

I do believe Satan was working through that man to purposely drive me away from The Lord.

But, after the years of struggling with the deep wounds of the hurt of a betrayal in church, I have overcome and by his stripes I am healed, and I know it's Satan's ploy to try to keep us away from God.

One thing I also learned is never expect "the church" to be perfect because there never will be a "perfect" church.

Jesus wants to live right inside you and heal you and lead you into good things in your life and he died to set you free of pain, of hurt, of betrayal!

It sounds like you need some time, but just remember Jesus will 'never' leave nor foresake you.

He loves you. He wants good things for your life.

But, I do know what you are going through.

Praying for you and for you to allow Jesus' love to heal your broken heart.

If you feel empty and void right now, it could be because you haven't fully dealt with the pain and the betrayal, and therefore you may just be feeling sort of numb right now.

I am so sorry this has happened to you and I pray you will be restored into the new life Jesus wants to show you.

Jesus is the way, the truth and the life.

Not "a church". But, eventually, somewhere down the line you may find people you can trust and grow to love within the church, as I have.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.