I confessed and she accepted

onlyimagine · Sep 7, 2005

In the past I was unfaithful, I think this might be a way for her to get even. We have to kids, my life has changed I want to live to serve the Lord but I can't with her like this. She made the arrangements to meet the guy.

Redguard · Sep 7, 2005

My guess is that she's already gotten her revenge without you knowing. Now, she's just trying to make a fool out of you.

It's time for you to make some tough decisions.

Yitzchak · Sep 7, 2005

Tough situation. On the positive side, she is being honest with you about it. I would not shut down the communication about it. Maybe she will agree to go to a counselor together?

Missing · Sep 7, 2005

onlyimagine said:
In the past I was unfaithful, I think this might be a way for her to get even. We have to kids, my life has changed I want to live to serve the Lord but I can't with her like this. She made the arrangements to meet the guy.

If she made the arrangements and you never talked to this person, AND this person couldn't make it for some reason, how do you know she actually did it? She may have been teaching you a lesson and when you called her bluff she made up a cover up story as to why he couldn't come.

Otherwise she may have long since given up on your marriage because of the affair, but stayed because of the kids and this was the straw that broke the camel's back. She may be using this for revenge or see this as her opportunity to be with someone else. I would say that you need to talk to her about this and try to discern if she is just incredibly hurt and lashing out at you or if your admitting your desires has caused her to feel she can pursue hers. In any event, you need counseling if you want to try to save this marriage.

lourie · Sep 7, 2005

Missing said:
I would say that you need to talk to her about this and try to discern if she is just incredibly hurt and lashing out at you or if your admitting your desires has caused her to feel she can pursue hers. In any event, you need counseling if you want to try to save this marriage.

I think looking at porn and having a 3 some is kinda at both ends of the scale here dont you think?

searle29678 · Sep 7, 2005

lourie said:
I think looking at porn and having a 3 some is kinda at both ends of the scale here dont you think?

Having found pornography in my home and knowing the effects it can have on someone's feelings and the marriage, I would have to say that pornography is just as bad as committing the physical act of adultery. For me it was even more hurtful. I can understand the want for actual physical touch from a human being, but I cannot understand risking your marriage for a book or a movie. Porn is adultery.

However, if someone is repenting and truly desires to move away from pornography in their lives it is forgiveable just like anything else. Two wrongs don't make a right and the hurt from having to deal with this sort of admission could lead to dangerous adulterous behaviors.

That's just my two cents.....

Leanna · Sep 7, 2005

4jacks said:
I'd seperate with hopes of reconciliation...

I suspect she's already cheated.

If she has or does, I'd leave her.

Any Kids?

I wouldn't separate, that would probably only lead to more cheating because of loneliness and opportunity. I got pregnant during my husband and I's separation....

I also would consider, since you (OP) have cheated, that she is just a wounded puppy looking for love and God's healing in the wrong places. I wouldn't leave her even if she did cheat, I would get into counseling and fast.

Also........ what are you thinking letting another man in your hosue even if it is a bluff??? Even if he isn't the type to rape and pillage, this man is obviously "free" sexually...... STDsANYONE????

Missing · Sep 7, 2005

lourie said:
I think looking at porn and having a 3 some is kinda at both ends of the scale here dont you think?

I was looking at their total history, not just the one issue, but I do think continous looking at pornography is definitely closer to the 3 some scale than you may think. It's a betrayal. She may have never dealt with her pain and anger over the affair either. Thus his continued sexual indescretions (be them in real life or in the mind looking at porn) may have been all the opening she needed to get back at him or to pursue sexual desires herself since he has pursued his at multiple times in the marriage. He's broken several sexual boundaries in the marriage, she may feel that there are no boundaries left.

Not that any of that is right on either side, just taking a stab at what could be her motivation.

InTheFlame · Sep 7, 2005

WHAT?

Let me get this straight. You've cheated, looked at porn, and almost invited another man into your bed. And now your wife is the bad person.

Try stepping into her shoes for a second. You try for 14 years to be a good christian spouse, only to have your spouse cheat, lie and fantasise about other men and women. I bet she hasn't been getting much satisfaction from that. Can't you see that after 14 years of that rubbish, you might decide that being 'good' has gotten you nowhere, and you might as well join your husband in his happy cheating sex?

Except you've conveniently decided that you're born-again and too good for all that stuff, and you're 'shocked' at your wife's behaviour. Well, guess what, buddy? YOU have allowed your marriage to get to this state. YOU stuffed up a LOT. YOU are the one who needs to be working to fix the mess YOU made, not prancing around on forums all amazed and prissy-mouthed at your wife's 'unchristian' behaviour.

Oh... and I realise this is a text-based medium, but I'm extremely bothered by the fact that I can't detect a shred of honest remorse and repentance in your posts. You seem more bemused that she won't 'suck it up' and get on with being a good wife.

Get off the flipping computer, haul your wife to counselling, and get prepared for a long, hard road in which you work at healing your marriage and helping your wife regain trust in you - IF that's possible.

Leanna · Sep 7, 2005

Lol....... yeah what she said.

lourie · Sep 7, 2005

ya i think most men think the pron and sex stuff is ok untill it is your wife, duaghter or sister doing it.

Redguard · Sep 7, 2005

lourie said:
ya i think most men think the pron and sex stuff is ok untill it is your wife, duaghter or sister doing it.

Hey! Pron is MY word, lol.

Leanna · Sep 7, 2005

Most men don't think porn is okay! Not CHRISTIAN men anyway.

Mrs. Enigma · Sep 7, 2005

Redguard said:
Are you sure she accepted your apology? Sounds to me like she's trying to teach you a lesson in the pains of lusting outside of the marriage.

Hey, that makes sense to me.
After all, the original poster was trying to get away with secretly bringing tons of girls into their marriage. Why should it upset him if she wants to bring in only one man. It is not like shes leaving him, or refusing to be his wife. If he thinks he can do that sort of thing to her, then why should she be left out.

RJHarmony84 · Sep 7, 2005

InTheFlame said:
WHAT?

Let me get this straight. You've cheated, looked at porn, and almost invited another man into your bed. And now your wife is the bad person.

Try stepping into her shoes for a second. You try for 14 years to be a good christian spouse, only to have your spouse cheat, lie and fantasise about other men and women. I bet she hasn't been getting much satisfaction from that. Can't you see that after 14 years of that rubbish, you might decide that being 'good' has gotten you nowhere, and you might as well join your husband in his happy cheating sex?

Except you've conveniently decided that you're born-again and too good for all that stuff, and you're 'shocked' at your wife's behaviour. Well, guess what, buddy? YOU have allowed your marriage to get to this state. YOU stuffed up a LOT. YOU are the one who needs to be working to fix the mess YOU made, not prancing around on forums all amazed and prissy-mouthed at your wife's 'unchristian' behaviour.

Oh... and I realise this is a text-based medium, but I'm extremely bothered by the fact that I can't detect a shred of honest remorse and repentance in your posts. You seem more bemused that she won't 'suck it up' and get on with being a good wife.

Get off the flipping computer, haul your wife to counselling, and get prepared for a long, hard road in which you work at healing your marriage and helping your wife regain trust in you - IF that's possible.

onlyimagine · Sep 8, 2005

In The Flame. wow tell me how you really fill. I was just looking for some advise, not someone to slame me. I know what I have done was wrong and I have been forgiven. For once in my life I want to do the right thing. I have been in her shoes I don't want her to make the same mistakes I have. I live with those mistakes every day. Know I don't think I am to good for that stuff. Yes it is tempting but I know it does not please God. I know God has plans for our marriage If we follow him.Thank you for your reply I think you see me differently than I am.

bliz · Sep 8, 2005

InTheFlame said:
WHAT?

Let me get this straight. You've cheated, looked at porn, and almost invited another man into your bed. And now your wife is the bad person.

Try stepping into her shoes for a second. You try for 14 years to be a good christian spouse, only to have your spouse cheat, lie and fantasise about other men and women. I bet she hasn't been getting much satisfaction from that. Can't you see that after 14 years of that rubbish, you might decide that being 'good' has gotten you nowhere, and you might as well join your husband in his happy cheating sex?

Except you've conveniently decided that you're born-again and too good for all that stuff, and you're 'shocked' at your wife's behaviour. Well, guess what, buddy? YOU have allowed your marriage to get to this state. YOU stuffed up a LOT. YOU are the one who needs to be working to fix the mess YOU made, not prancing around on forums all amazed and prissy-mouthed at your wife's 'unchristian' behaviour.

Oh... and I realise this is a text-based medium, but I'm extremely bothered by the fact that I can't detect a shred of honest remorse and repentance in your posts. You seem more bemused that she won't 'suck it up' and get on with being a good wife.

Get off the flipping computer, haul your wife to counselling, and get prepared for a long, hard road in which you work at healing your marriage and helping your wife regain trust in you - IF that's possible.

A voice of reason!!! Preach it, sister!

You may not like this advice, but it's honest, and it was exactly what I was thinking. You brought sexual perversion into your family and home for 12 years and now you are surprised that it's still there?

I am not defending your wife's actions or desires. But she didn't write in for advice, you did. Get off your high horse and abandon the moral superiority attitude. Beg her to seek help along with you. You are both in need of serious counseling help. But make no mistake - you are both in need becasue of what you have been doing all this time.

InTheFlame · Sep 8, 2005

So... what actions have you come up with? What are you doing to make things right? I acknowledge you're forgiven by God if you've repented - but that doesn't absolve you of the responsibility to do a lot of hard yards in the interest of healing your marriage and your wife. It's not all your responsibility - God is the source of healing, and your wife needs to open up to that healing - but you do need to be doing the 'right thing' in more ways than just avoiding MORE marriage-destroying behaviour. It's like your marriage is in pieces around you... just putting down the hammer isn't enough, you need to be picking up the pieces and using the glue, otherwise you've still got a helluva mess.

Y'know, I'd be overjoyed to think that I'd misunderstood you. I don't wander around these forums looking for people to slam. And maybe you just have a lot of trouble expressing yourself in writing. But I'm not going to decide you're a great guy just because you SAY I'm wrong. Prove it

Chosen One · Sep 8, 2005

Perhaps she feels betrayed and feels she needs to "get even" for her ego. You cheated in her eyes and perhaps she feels entitled.

Not that I am condoning this line of thought- but try to put yourself in her shoes.

RJHarmony84 · Sep 8, 2005

That's the feeling I got, too. I think she's had it with the infidelities, and wants her revenge. She may have been so angry that she actually slept with this other man. I don't know. In any case my advice is pretty much the same--get marriage councelling, lots of it, go to church, continue to care, and don't expect immediate results. Be patient and hang on until she comes back around. I warn you though, it may take another 12 years for her come back around! If you are the newly-born again christian that you say you are, you wil have a hard, painful, and often frustrating struggle of it. Your faith has yet to be tested for truth by time, and it is a much, much harder test than any new christian beleives.

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