I can't throw 12 yrs out just like that!

[jonny1001]

Hello, this is my first time participating on a forum let alone one that has to do with something so personal but I do not know what to do or where to turn to. My wife and I have been together for 12 yrs and divorce looks like a sure thing. I try to talk to her and see if there is anything that I can do to make things right but all she tells me is that she is done and that she tried for a long time. It all started about 1 1/2 ago she told me that she was not happy and wanted us to separate. I of course knew we weren't 100% happy. I thought that maybe giving her some space would help the situation. I moved out a month after we talked. After 3 months of us being separated I found out she started talking to another man. I did not take it so well. I just couldn't not believe she would do something like that. At first she denied the relationship being other than friends talking. Months after that I started seeing messages being exchanged on FB that concerned me. When I question her about it she said that they were good friends and she wasn't sure if she wanted to explore the possibility of having more. I sat down and talked to her and explained that I just did not see it as appropriate, we are still married. She agreed and cut off all communication as far as I know. Not only that but why is she just giving up on us? We have kids, a home together. I had to put up with seeing my 2 youngest sons cry whenever I came to see them and leave or take them back home crying because they do not want me to leave them. After 1 yr I moved back home, I couldn't stand not seeing my kids. Missing out on them and seeing them cry constantly and not to mention feeling so alone. We sleep on different rooms, barely talk and she doesn't even allow me to be standing next to her. I have never been close to my family but her and her family have always been very tight knit. Her family doesn't understand anything since she refuses to talk to them about us. She has shut everyone out when it comes to talking about her and I. I just do not get what she hopes to accomplish by not talking. I use to keep very bad company when we meet so I cut off all my friends, my family is broken and did not agree with my life change so we cut off communication, her family is like my family and since she is not talking about this to them, anytime I try to talk to anyone about this she doesn't react very nicely. I just do not have anyone I can talk to that I trust. I know I have a lot of faults in this, I do not deny or have ever tried to. When we first started dating she would invite me to church and encourage me to read the bible and learn. She was the one that help me learn the sanctity of marriage and because of her I wanted to get married one day. Me believing that marriage is forever happened because of her help. We had some great times until our problems started piling. We stop going to service. I for a long time fell in depression and drank heavily and on top we fell into some really tough financial hardships. We knew those days would pass and we would be stable again, well now I have a good job, she has a better job and our financial situation is making a turn around. I've been able to deal with my depression, seek professional help and medication. I have given up drinking. Well now it all just seems in vain... Not only that but after all has been said and done, I love her with all my heart and I just do not think anything can change that. I hurt every minute of everyday, I can't eat, I do not sleep, I can't concentrate. I am a mess and I just do not know how to fix anything..... I just do not know what to do or how to deal with this. Pain just seems to much at times

 

[LinkH]

I'll pray for you.

If you appeal to your wife based on your faith and you point out what Jesus said about marriage and divorce, how does she take that? Have you pointed out that Jesus said, "he that marries her that is divorced commits adultery." If she picks out a new man and divorces you first, that doesn't make it okay with God.

Have you ever suggested counseling, maybe a meeting from a pastor? If I were in your shoes, I'd might ask godly friends from church to talk to her.

If there is a custody battle and your wife is living with the kids and you are living elsewhere, then your wife may end up with the kids, and you may have some visitation privileges on paper that she could make difficult to enforce if she wanted to. I'm not an expert on this sort of thing, but you could do some reading or talk to an attorney to see how to position yourself better for the children. For the sake of the children, and for other reasons, strengthen relationships with family who can help you if you end up with custody. It's good for them to have grandparents in their lives. Chances are, her family will side with you, but if you get close to them during this time, maybe that will help you with your relationship with her if you reconcile, or at least help the children with the transition later on. At least if she does talk to her family, they may urge her to improve her relationship with you, rather than urge her to leave you, or be neutral.

Someone once told me that if one spouse hates the other, there is still hope for the marriage because there is still some emotion invested there, but if there is complete apathy, it's more dangerous for the marriage. It sounds like your wife still has some feelings as far as you are concerned.

 

[jonny1001]

Last time I talked to her about the whole divorce thing is not something we resort to and that when we got married I expected it would be no matter what and I thought she felt the same she just flew off the handle. Even when I mentioned counseling she just said no i am not willing to go. One of the the big problems now is that her family does not see things her way which even breaks my heart even more. They have always been so close and now I feel that I am in between. She doesn't talk to them the way she use to because I assume she feels they will try to change her mind, i dont know. At times I do feel she hates me and other I just feel that she would be fine whether I existed or not. At times I just feel like I am loosing it all.... not only have I lost my partner but I just feel I will be forced to do without my kids. Just doesn't seem fair that the majority of the times moms automatically get favored to keep the kids. Don't get me wrong she is not a bad mom just like I don't consider myself a bad dad but if she doesn't want to work at our marriage and wants to break our family why do I loose everything? I have told her I would be willing to do anything for her. Just doesn't seem fair

 

[Annessa3]

it's not fair. I'm in a similar place. I'll be praying for you and your family. It hurts, but it is what it is. You can't talk her into staying in a marriage when she's already given up on it. I have distanced myself from some very good friendships because I was willing to go on, while he wasn't. I am not talking much to my close family---because it just hurts.
A

 

[GoodSpeed]

LinkH had good comments.
I was on the verge of divorce less than 2 years ago and now we are back 'in love' ... it took marriage counselling and both of us talking, listening and understanding things we say/do or don't do that upset the other ... and making those changes.
Find out if she will explain what her concern are - what bothers her. Explain those are things you want to change for both of your happiness.
Appeal to her that you are still the man she fell in love with, but that life is a struggle, but that you have struggled together and you appreciate her efforts and hope she sees that you face the same responsibilities and challenges as her. Tell her to you she is still the woman you fell in love with and you see her that way. Appeal to the fact that the kids need a stable and loving environment with 2 parents - and that the kids should grow up seeing a mother and father that love one another ... I'm just trying to give you some of the things my wife and I discussed that seemed important.

 

[jonny1001]

Thank you all for all your kind words and advice, they have helped a lot. This time yesterday I felt so down and out. Those are usually the times I start to question my own self. I guess in my mind I just don't understand what her silence accomplishes. I am trying to slowly talk to her without forcing her to since all the other times I have tried she shuts down immediately. I am hoping a slower approach will work. I just know I have to keep trying.
Today seems to be a better day... thank you for your prayers.

 

[GoodSpeed]

Don't walk around eggshells around her -- but be very nice ... and patient.
Ask her how's she's feeling, ask her if she'd like a coffee, etc. ... after we're married and have kids we no longer behave as if we're courting a woman -- and I'm not talking about getting too carried away - but just because you're married doesn't mean you stop treating her like she's still someone you're pursuing -- some may not agree with me on this but I now don't take for 'granted' that she's my wife -- I try to treat each conversation, each task, etc. with the 'how would I behave if we were dating?' approach. I mean this in the sense don't ever be complacent just because she's wearing that ring and took the vows that she doesn't want (and maybe need) to be made to feel special and like a woman.
Open her car door for her when you are out somewhere and returning to the vehicle and give her a big smile and a wink ...

Just trying to help, pal.

 

[jonny1001]

Thanks for the advice. And it does make perfect sense.. I do think you used the perfect, Complacent, i believe that is one of my biggest mistakes. Lately I have been "walking on eggshells". We are at a point where she at least says good morning to me, I feel that at any minute I will say something to cause us to go back to she doesn't acknowledge me. It is a very slow process. I have never been a very patient person and at times I take this as a learning opportunity. Thank you again, its always good to have extra eyes to give you some good suggestions and advice. Thank you all

 

[akmom]

Having a family member with an addiction (like alcoholism) is a heart-wrenching. She pulled through and made some semblence of a life without you during that time, and you really have to appreciate what that experience was for her. During the hard times, you weren't there and she learned to depend on herself and develop friendships, companionship and a support network elsewhere. You can't expect to just come back and be embraced like the person you were before all of this happened. She is a different person now. You will have to get to know and appreciate the new person that she has had to become. To her, you're not really the same guy that you were when she fell in love with you. You're the guy who gave into alcohol when things got tough. She's not going to tolerate that fiasco again. You have to present yourself as something more than the guy she used to be in love with, more than the guy she happens to be married to. And if she is, in fact, falling for someone else, you have to realize that you're asking her to dismiss someone her heart wants for someone that she has grown to resent. That is the right thing for her to do, but it is not an easy commitment to make. If you approach her as someone who understands these struggles in her heart, someone who is willing to be what she needs, then you might win her back. But if you're just wondering back into the family on your own time, expecting her to drop everything and accept you, that's unrealistic.

I understand that you have made huge changes, giving up alcohol and getting professional help, turning your finances around and restoring your life. Those are huge accomplishments. But it is only half of it. Now you have to acknowledge all the things that she has done in that time too. It's hard to explain. It's really tough to finally trust a former alcoholic again. I never went through that in a marriage, but I had alcoholic relatives, and there's just so much lost time that they kind of lose their place in your life when they "come back." And it's really hard to fight the resentment you feel when you do try to reconnect with them. It's probably going to take a lot of time and a lot of work, and you'll have a lot of heartache. Sometimes heartache can transform you into a compassionate person, and that can be a good thing.

I wish you the best. It's really not fair when someone in a marriage chooses to give up, but both parties have to live with the consequences. However, I don't think you should present it to her that way. Because it's also not fair when someone chooses alcohol and uproots the family, but both parties have to live with the consequences and also the humiliation (which is probably why she resents discussing it with family). I would respect her wishes about speaking to her family, try to understand her point of view, win her back with genuine thoughtfulness, and pray and read your Bible for direction. I think you should also seek out a church family and connections with people, so you have some support and also so you do not smother her at a time when she needs space.

 

[thrashassault]

I have been in a simliiar situation myself as well. I do not understand why so many people are willing to through away a marriage when things are going ruff. Marriage is a commitment and it is hard and needs a lot of work. First things first man... if you are having problems eating and sleeping seek individual counseling first. Weither it be a minister/pastor what have you or professionally. It may go through a certain number before finding somebody that can give you the inspiration you need. But taking care of your self is the first step. I am praying for you! I know how you feel.

 

[jonny1001]

Thank u @akmom, I know and I understand. I try to always keep in mind that their is a lot of bad situatios behind us that has changed us. You have really pointed out a lot of things that I feel I need to sit and meditate on. @thrashassult- I just cannot understand divorce. A lot of people just feel that is the answer when your unhappy but at least in my case I realize that I might have 80% of the blame but that doesn't make her innocent. I don't want to hurt her or keep her with me when she doesnt want to be here but I steongly believe in the commitment I made with my vowels and my conscience just doesn't allow me to just agree to it. Thank you all again

 

[Annessa3]

Having a family member with an addiction (like alcoholism) is a heart-wrenching. She pulled through and made some semblence of a life without you during that time, and you really have to appreciate what that experience was for her. During the hard times, you weren't there and she learned to depend on herself and develop friendships, companionship and a support network elsewhere. You can't expect to just come back and be embraced like the person you were before all of this happened. She is a different person now. You will have to get to know and appreciate the new person that she has had to become. To her, you're not really the same guy that you were when she fell in love with you. You're the guy who gave into alcohol when things got tough. She's not going to tolerate that fiasco again. You have to present yourself as something more than the guy she used to be in love with, more than the guy she happens to be married to. And if she is, in fact, falling for someone else, you have to realize that you're asking her to dismiss someone her heart wants for someone that she has grown to resent. That is the right thing for her to do, but it is not an easy commitment to make. If you approach her as someone who understands these struggles in her heart, someone who is willing to be what she needs, then you might win her back. But if you're just wondering back into the family on your own time, expecting her to drop everything and accept you, that's unrealistic.

I understand that you have made huge changes, giving up alcohol and getting professional help, turning your finances around and restoring your life. Those are huge accomplishments. But it is only half of it. Now you have to acknowledge all the things that she has done in that time too. It's hard to explain. It's really tough to finally trust a former alcoholic again. I never went through that in a marriage, but I had alcoholic relatives, and there's just so much lost time that they kind of lose their place in your life when they "come back." And it's really hard to fight the resentment you feel when you do try to reconnect with them. It's probably going to take a lot of time and a lot of work, and you'll have a lot of heartache. Sometimes heartache can transform you into a compassionate person, and that can be a good thing.

I wish you the best. It's really not fair when someone in a marriage chooses to give up, but both parties have to live with the consequences. However, I don't think you should present it to her that way. Because it's also not fair when someone chooses alcohol and uproots the family, but both parties have to live with the consequences and also the humiliation (which is probably why she resents discussing it with family). I would respect her wishes about speaking to her family, try to understand her point of view, win her back with genuine thoughtfulness, and pray and read your Bible for direction. I think you should also seek out a church family and connections with people, so you have some support and also so you do not smother her at a time when she needs space.

wow. you put into words what I have been living for 4 years and the reason my husband & I will be divorcing. He cannot see this, all he sees/feels is the loss of respect, for which he blames me. Thank you akmom.

 

[dayhiker]

Ya, I'm so impressed with akmom wrote.