I cant stop hating my dad

[Godislove94]

It seems like no matter how hard I pray or try to forgive, I can't stop hating my dad. He is completely untrustworthy and has caused me nothing but trouble for as long as I've existed. I hate the things he does, he's irresponsible, selfish, doesn't provide for his family, and is basically a live in mooch and sperm donor. He has the maturity of a 12 year old and throws tantrums that would rival those of a toddler. He was always yelling at me growing up and hurt me physically, even destroying my stuff when he got angry enough. I can't look at him without rage building up to a level where I want to kill him.

At the same time, I hate that I feel this way and that no matter how many times I try to give it over to God and not get mad, I can't let go. What makes it worse is that I have no chance of escape because I'm a young female in college (paying every penny out of pocket and trying for no loans) and don't feel I have the right to leave or cut him out. Does the Bible say that all young girls should live at home until marriage no matter what? I'm also angry at myself because I know that unless I forgive him, God won't forgive me but I'm stuck. Help! :'(

 

[Faithfulandtrue]

Hello there Godislove. I just prayed for you and your father. I understand how it feels to have a strong hate for someone and how hard it is to let the hurt go. But the best thing to do is to forgive all men and women who hurt us, even those who don't deserve it, which I'm sure you are trying to do. just Like Christ forgave us though we didn't deserve it. Like I mentioned though I do know how hard it is, but don't give up. It is sometimes a thing you have to keep trying at anytime the anger comes back. But God will help you if you ask Him. I have a friend who had a similar situation, but it was both her parents. She too is a Christian girl about our age (or college aged). As far as I know I don't think it is a sin to leave your parents house before your married. Some people don't want to get married or God has their time for marriage later in their life. So I don't see any way it could be dishonoring Him, unless you like moved in with a single male or something like that, which I don't think you would do either. (HUGS) I pray to the Lord for your peace and endurance to forgive.

 

[Faithfulandtrue]

Oh I forgot to mention my friend moved out of her parents place. praying God will protect you and guide you where He wants you to be.

 

[keith99]

I am not aware of any Scripture that forbids leaving home before marriage.

Some may try to twist certain passages to say that, the one saying 'For this reason a man will leave his parents...'. But if that held then what of Jesus? Clearly that passage is ONE reason one might leave home. I'm betting any others given are apt to be similar.

Now Leaving and saying 'I never want to see you again or ever talk to you again, you are dead to me' is a different story. That would present several Scriptural issues.

A cut constantly reopened never heals. Perhaps it is best that you do leave and give your wounds a chance to heal. I think that if you retain the attitude I think I see in your post that they will, at least to some extent. Just try to not burn any bridges if possible. If not possible go ahead, bridges can be rebuilt.

 

[Johnnz]

It seems like no matter how hard I pray or try to forgive, I can't stop hating my dad. He is completely untrustworthy and has caused me nothing but trouble for as long as I've existed. I hate the things he does, he's irresponsible, selfish, doesn't provide for his family, and is basically a live in mooch and sperm donor. He has the maturity of a 12 year old and throws tantrums that would rival those of a toddler. He was always yelling at me growing up and hurt me physically, even destroying my stuff when he got angry enough. I can't look at him without rage building up to a level where I want to kill him.

You have good cause to be angry. But you need to talk that out with a wise person and experience effective prayer, so as to better process your anger. Your anger won't suddenly get 'zapped' and vanish.

At the same time, I hate that I feel this way and that no matter how many times I try to give it over to God and not get mad, I can't let go.

It not that you can't let go. You have many memories based on real, hurtful, damaging experiences. You need some help in dealing with them more constructively.

What makes it worse is that I have no chance of escape because I'm a young female in college (paying every penny out of pocket and trying for no loans) and don't feel I have the right to leave or cut him out. Does the Bible say that all young girls should live at home until marriage no matter what? I'm also angry at myself because I know that unless I forgive him, God won't forgive me but I'm stuck. Help! :'(

The Bible does not say you must remain at home until marriage. That can vary depending on cultures and economic factors.

Don't get hung up on that concept of forgiveness. Jesus spoke about that to the Jewish people prior to His death and Resurrection. After that the NT position is that the sacrifice for all sins has been made and we are now to live out of that wonderful, gracious gift available to us. Your justification means that there is now nothing between you and God, past, present or future as you accept and live out that reality.

John
NZ

 

[puppii]

I had the same problem for a long time!

And what really bothered me is that we are supposed to "honor" our father and mother.

I still struggle with this. I keep asking God to help me forgive him and change my heart. I'm better now than I was but I still have some trouble in this area.

It's the only commandment with a promise "you will enjoy long life".

My sister has a terrible problem with my mother (both my parents are dead BTW) and she is miserable. She doesn't see this as a problem yet she goes to church almost every Sunday and has for years. She had no friends and no family we don't really speak anymore. She holds something really stupid against me and I had to forgive her for not forgiving me.

Moving out may be a great idea.

 

[Johnnz]

I had the same problem for a long time!

And what really bothered me is that we are supposed to "honor" our father and mother.

I still struggle with this. I keep asking God to help me forgive him and change my heart. I'm better now than I was but I still have some trouble in this area.

It's the only commandment with a promise "you will enjoy long life".

My sister has a terrible problem with my mother (both my parents are dead BTW) and she is miserable. She doesn't see this as a problem yet she goes to church almost every Sunday and has for years. She had no friends and no family we don't really speak anymore. She holds something really stupid against me and I had to forgive her for not forgiving me.

Moving out may be a great idea.

Since when are we to honour sinful behaviour? Or even sinful people? That is dangerous nonsense.

Having worked with many badly abused women I do know that, after addressing deep hurts and other issues their perspectives can change, sometimes to becoming quite compassionate as they realise their own parents had horrible childhoods. Forgiveness can be something arrived at much later in the journey healing, not from an early attempt while pain and confusion still abound.

John
NZ

 

[puppii]

Since when are we to honour sinful behaviour? Or even sinful people? That is dangerous nonsense.

Having worked with many badly abused women I do know that, after addressing deep hurts and other issues their perspectives can change, sometimes to becoming quite compassionate as they realise their own parents had horrible childhoods. Forgiveness can be something arrived at much later in the journey healing, not from an early attempt while pain and confusion still abound.

John
NZ

Nonsense?

Ephesians 6:2
"Honor your father and mother"--which is the first commandment with a promise--

Exodus 20:21
"Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the LORD your God is giving you.

Matthew 15:4
For God commanded, ‘Honor your father and your mother,’ and, ‘Whoever reviles father or mother must surely die.’

 

[Johnnz]

Hi Puppil.

I am well aware of those verses. What they are not dealing with is abusive or badly derelict parents. They represent values that should prevail in any healthy society. It is a misapplication to dogmatically apply such verses to every situation irrespective of the character and behaviour of the parent.

We don't do that with the commandment "Do not kill". There are situations where Christians accept the necessity to engage in warfare. Those who support capital punishment would argue likewise.

John
NZ

 

[puppii]

Just like anything else in the spiritual life I guess it's a personal thing...we all handle and see things differently.

 

[mimibeloved]

Godislove you have no obligation to an unrepentant abuser. By enabling him to continue abusing you, you are sinning. We are to flee evil, not participate. Respecting your parents does not mean being a punchbag/doormat. Your loving Father in heaven does not expect you to help perpetuate the abuse of a vulnerable child. Most children leave home after they finish school. Why should you stay and allow your psyche to be systematically destroyed until you can never have inner peace?
Do not sacrifice your true psyche on the altar of someone else's disordered schema.

 

[WoundedDeep]

Just like anything else in the spiritual life I guess it's a personal thing...we all handle and see things differently.

It isn't a personal thing, it is common sense. To give honor to parents who willfully abuse their children with or without knowledge is no different from agreeing with the sin of the abusers. It is no wonder abuse are so common, people don't speak out against it in the name of honoring. People like that disgusts me as much as my abusers.

 

[WoundedDeep]

It seems like no matter how hard I pray or try to forgive, I can't stop hating my dad. He is completely untrustworthy and has caused me nothing but trouble for as long as I've existed. I hate the things he does, he's irresponsible, selfish, doesn't provide for his family, and is basically a live in mooch and sperm donor. He has the maturity of a 12 year old and throws tantrums that would rival those of a toddler. He was always yelling at me growing up and hurt me physically, even destroying my stuff when he got angry enough. I can't look at him without rage building up to a level where I want to kill him.

At the same time, I hate that I feel this way and that no matter how many times I try to give it over to God and not get mad, I can't let go. What makes it worse is that I have no chance of escape because I'm a young female in college (paying every penny out of pocket and trying for no loans) and don't feel I have the right to leave or cut him out. Does the Bible say that all young girls should live at home until marriage no matter what? I'm also angry at myself because I know that unless I forgive him, God won't forgive me but I'm stuck. Help! :'(

I think the thing you need to do is to let your college know you need help. Talk to a college counsellor or something to see if you can separate yourself from the abuser.

As for forgiveness, you probably need to ask what questions you have in mind that is keeping you from forgiving. Feel the emotions you have without guilt, I too am angry and feel hatred against my abuser and even god for not intervening. If god loves us, he will give us the answer to our questions. If not, then forget about it and just live life however you want.

 

[parsley]

And what really bothered me is that we are supposed to "honor" our father and mother.

The Hebrew word used is defined as "weigh heavily," or "consider." Back when the commandments were written, there were alcoholics and abusers, and people well knew that obedience was not always appropriate or wise. Parents who melted all the family gold to help friends build a golden calf. (Cool for the moment.)

Within the Law of Moses, the community was allowed to hold criminals accountable. People pulled together to help prevent abuse, when there were no lawyers and police in place. Nowadays people are afraid to report crimes, when they're not sure others will back them up.

"Weigh heavily" might play out as making sure they get help for their addictions, making sure they have a ride to visit the doctor, reminding yourself that their name is attached to yours if you started a scandal.

It does not mean lie to make them look good, or praise them when you should be calling the police.

A lot of time has passed since you first posted; I hope things are working out, gradually.

Most of the benefit of forgiveness, is being free from the thoughts that clog your mind and keep you from doing other things. Yes God wants us to forgive, but remember that even Jesus held oppressors accountable in public.

 

[puppii]

Since when are we to honour sinful behaviour? Or even sinful people? That is dangerous nonsense.

Having worked with many badly abused women I do know that, after addressing deep hurts and other issues their perspectives can change, sometimes to becoming quite compassionate as they realise their own parents had horrible childhoods. Forgiveness can be something arrived at much later in the journey healing, not from an early attempt while pain and confusion still abound.

John
NZ

I'm not a professional I was just saying what worked for me.

 

[puppii]

It isn't a personal thing, it is common sense. To give honor to parents who willfully abuse their children with or without knowledge is no different from agreeing with the sin of the abusers. It is no wonder abuse are so common, people don't speak out against it in the name of honoring. People like that disgusts me as much as my abusers.

I had the same problem. I was just saying what worked for me.

I still fight with negative feelings toward people from who were in my life when I was young.

I just came into this thread to give my personal information experience and maybe gain some insight...geez!

 

[Devorim]

Godislove94, I understand, at least to a point, what you are writing about. For years, I went from teacher to teacher, asking how I was to honor my mother. I finally got this answer and felt that I no longer need to ASK; I needed to try to DO. And I will not claim that I DO perfectly.

Finally, one teacher said to honor her for the life she chose to allow me.

The Scripture is not about honoring mental, emotional, or spiritual abuse; it is not about honoring deviant behavior, meanness, vindictiveness, sin, etc. Not at all. When you have not been properly parented, it is honoring them for allowing you to live. You can give your parents that much, in spite of the misery, because you have breath and you have the G-d-given opportunity to:
Love G-d, serving Him in honor of Him
Love and be loved by others
Enjoy the arts
Breathe in a spring day
Play in the snow
Ski
Love and be loved by children
Make a joyful noise unto the L-rd
Work
Laugh
Snicker
Eat a Snicker
...and so much more...!
Without your parents, you would have nothing of these!
Honor them for these things but don't try to honor them for what they would not give you: that would be dishonest.

Bless you, Sweetheart, you can do this, and you can be free before the L-rd, open to Him and His blessings. And when you get this done, you will teach others how to do this with joy, knowing that G-d does not ask us to do either the impossible or something ludicrous and dishonest.

It may take 2 minutes, it may take two months.....

 

[Johnnz]

Hail to the wisdom of an older person.

John
NZ

 

[Devorim]

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, John. But I deserve no credit. I had to ask until I found someone wise enough to know, and since the L-rd accomplished it in me, I try to pass it on.

 

[4KidsMOM]

Hello! I am sorry to hear of your troubles. First you have to decide to just forgive. Forgiveness is a choice, a choice to forgive yourself and others. God told us that we must forgive, as a believe and follower, you must obey. Do it for youself. Now forgiving doesn't mean that you won't think about it once in a while, just don't dwell on it. When it comes to your mind kick it to curve before it gets a hold of you. forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. When it does come up it may still hurt, the memory of it may still hurt. If your relationship is causing you pain maybe some distance will do both of you some good. Try talking to your father, explain to him how his actions are causing you pain. If he still doesn't want to make an effort to change, tell him that his actions are pushing you away and that he may never see you again. If he still does't change then it may be a good idea to place some distance between the two of you. It is your job to guard your heart. If you allow people to hurt you, that is exactly what they will do. Set boundaries so that you guys can have meaningful father and daughter relationship. It seems that you are more mature than him so maybe you have to take the first step to having a healthy relationship with your father. All in all no matter what he does to you forgive him. Do not all the devil to keep you bound because of the pain inflicted on you by others. God Bless you and much love!