I can't pray anymore

[dily4ever]

I know that this is wrong but I have not been able to pray or read the bible since my husband passed away 15 days ago. When he was diagnosed with stomach cancer 3 months ago, I cried out to God, plead with him, begged him... both alone, with my husband, with friends, in church, at home, at various healing services.... And right till the end, I was still hoping that God will heal my husband....

Now that he is gone, I am so exhausted.... very, very tired. Though I know that God loves me and has been there for me all this while, I just cannot bring myself to talk to him anymore.... I know He is in control and that all things happen for a purpose and that He has my best interests at heart, but I still feel let down and abandoned...

To me, the greatest act of mercy God can show me is to take me home immediately... i have no more desire to live on... but the sad thing is I do not even have the option to take my life... How I wish He can grant me an immediate, quick (and hopefully painless) death so that I can see my darling again...

 

[Nelle]

I know that this is wrong but I have not been able to pray or read the bible since my husband passed away 15 days ago. When he was diagnosed with stomach cancer 3 months ago, I cried out to God, plead with him, begged him... both alone, with my husband, with friends, in church, at home, at various healing services.... And right till the end, I was still hoping that God will heal my husband....

Now that he is gone, I am so exhausted.... very, very tired. Though I know that God loves me and has been there for me all this while, I just cannot bring myself to talk to him anymore.... I know He is in control and that all things happen for a purpose and that He has my best interests at heart, but I still feel let down and abandoned...

To me, the greatest act of mercy God can show me is to take me home immediately... i have no more desire to live on... but the sad thing is I do not even have the option to take my life... How I wish He can grant me an immediate, quick (and hopefully painless) death so that I can see my darling again...

Dear, give yourself some time before you put any expectations on yourself. I think when DH was gone maybe 8 months one day I was out in my yard and I looked up at the sky and I told off God. I told Him He was mean and that I didn't understand how He could have done this to me -- allowing DH to die. I was SO mad!!!

But that, too, passed. I am still walking w/ Him and obeying His Word. But it wouldn't have done me any good to have pretended I wasn't feeling those things. I needed to get them out.

N

 

[c1ners]

God understands, and he loves you anyhow. He knows you are hurting, and he's okay with you being angry with him. His ways are not our ways, and sometimes they are so hard to understand.

It's been almost 20 years since I lost my husband, and sometimes I still scream out to God. Why? Why God did you take the man I love? The only man I will ever truly love?

We may not understand, and we don't even have to like it, but it's all a part of his great plan. Remember, he will never give you more than he knows you can handle. He knows your heart is breaking right now, and he wants you to come to him so he can help soothe you. He won't give you the answers of why, but he'll take you in his arms and dry away your tears. He'll put a little comfort in your heart and help ease your fears. He'll even hold you and gently rock you to sleep. If only you ask. But first you have to ask.

It's hard, but with God you'll get through this. We'll all get through this.

 

[faithgoeson]

Hebrews 13:5

... I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.

May you find solace in the caring prayers of others and may you find comfort in the memories of your heart.​

Your grief is still very new, sweetie. Be still and listen to God's voice for He is there with you even when you don't have the strength to be with Him. When you mention His Name, you are giving Him praise. He understands your exhaustion, and He will wait patiently to have His child back in prayer with Him. He understands. God wants us to be brutally honest with our feelings, and He can take a punch. It may help you to release all that you feel to Him. Tell Him you are angry and hurting. He cares, and He will listen. You will find release in telling Him, and He will love you anyway. You will find your way back to Him because He never leaves you. Just give yourself some time. Focus on one minute at a time, sometimes even one second. God bless you.

​

 

[Missinyou]

I found solace in the first few weeks by keeping my Bible open on the kitchen counter. I can't say I read it all the time, but it was there when I needed some comfort. Sometimes in my deepest sorrow, I would push it away but I always wound up pulling it back, laying my hand on it and it always brought comfort. My thought would be directed in another direction, toward God, and I would feel better. I also sometimes questioned God why he gave my wife the lung disease in the first place, but then I thank him for easing her suffering. For taking her to a better place. I just pray that I can live my life so that I can see her again someday. I too had some crazy thoughts to begin with but then I thought I would just hurt Patsy more by doing something like that, because I know she's keeping an eye on me. She's concerned for me and wants me to walk in the ways of the Lord.

 

[ComesoonmyLORD]

Dily4ever- It's ok to feel the way you do. Even though you can't talk to God right now, your heart yearns for Him and His comfort. The anger you feel inside, the hurt, the feeling of a lost ship at sea, these are all normal. But you must remember that you can get through this. Deep in your heart you understand that He is in control, but it's so very hard to understand the "Why?" of it all. We all have moments, days, or even longer spells of the same thing. At these low points, the valleys of the shadow of darkness, our hearts reach out to God for help. He is always there for you, He cares for you, He loves you. Hold to His unchanging hand during these very stromy days, the sunshine is somewhere over the horizon, just hold on one day at a time, keep your faith, yell and scream and cry, pour your heart out to Him. He is there for you. We on this forum are here for you as well, any day and any time. We are all praying for you! Press On!

 

[dily4ever]

Hey folks, thank you so much for your words of encouragement and prayers. Many people have told me what all of you are saying now... but the big difference is I know that all of you understand how I feel and mean what you say. Thank you!

I know that I will have to live on meaningfully and not just waste my life away - especially now that I am leaving for myself and my husband now. I suppose I have to mean what I said in the eulogy at the memorial service - that God's grace, our memories and love will have to be sufficient for me and that I will continue to live life to the fullest.

All of you at this forum will definitely be a great source of support to me... especially during those moments when sudden, acute and intense feelings of missing him attacked me each day... thank you once again.

 

[JeanR]

I's ok to be angry at God and it's ok to not read your Bible for now. I have to admit that I have not read my Bible since Terry died 10 weeks ago.

I was going through our bookcase and decided to donated everal of Terry's Christian books to our church's library. They dealt with being an elder, with marriage, being a parent of teenagers and with male "stuff". I felt since I'm not an elder, a parent of teenagers anymore and not a guy, that others at our church might benefit from Terry's books. I'm not ready to say I'm not married just yet.

At the same time I noticed how many devotionals I bought over the years and never touched. It was the first time since Terry died that I felt even a little bit of interest in reading any devotionals or my Bible. And, I know that that is ok. God understands and waits for us to work through these terrible emotions. Even though I have not read by Bible, I was in constant prayer--even if the prayer was to tell God it was so unfair and a horrible thing to do. That's what is so wonderful about our God--he understands.

 

[Ruth~]

I am so sorry for your loss. Please take some time to heal from this loss. Many of us feel the same way about God and life after we lose someome tragically. I am praying for you. When you are able to try saying a few words to God. He will listen.