I am schizoaffective...

[Anonymous79]

I am bipolar and schizophrenic...life is tough. I've been on meds for 8 yrs. my life is like a roller coaster. I have my ups and downs and i am so tired. I feel God is deaf on my pain. I am always stressed and angry. Whenever I seek God, trials come and then I blame him. It seemed so hard to be closer to Him. I feel that there is a wall between me and God that there is always something that keeps me from bringing myself closer to Him.

I love my daughters, they are the ones that keeps me going and my husband whenever i am having an episode he just shuts up and doesn't talk to me. I feel like i'm on hell already. Nobody listens and that's why i find this forum so that i could feel somehow that i am not alone and somehow and some way God could heal me, that I could increase my faith and feel secure...

 

[redblue22]

I am assuming you've talked to your doc about your feelings. It is hard going through those things. It is good you have people to support you. I believe that is where God is in the pain.

 

[Greg J.]

It may be particularly valuable to you to memorize positive truths and promises God has made in the Bible. It is important to be able to intellectually understand what is true even when it (or nothing) feels true.

You may have already suffered more than most people do in their entire lives. Your pain is not from God. Mental illness and pain were not a part of God's plan for us. They aren't his fault. I can't say why he has not delivered you from pain yet, but I can say that he will eventually deliver you from it, and it is very likely that your life will eventually become a happy one. For these things it is essential to stay faithful to Jesus. Don't blame him for your suffering, but persist in seeking him for deliverance from it.

Jesus will answer your prayers if you are trying to live to please him as best you can. Give yourself grace: God doesn't expect you to do what you can't do. For a lot of people with mental illness, what he wants is for you to rest, heal, and not push yourself (sometimes a very long process). When you are having a good day, write some things down that reflect your perspective, hopes, and beliefs. Go back and read them when you are having a bad day. God is not far from you and is willing to help you with everything, but for some things you need to ask and keep asking.

For a long time, there was no truth I knew or remembering God loved me that helped ease pain, however, eventually, it did start helping. The only thing that could ever slice through the pain was feeling loved. It's good you have children.

Your husband might need to get more educated about your diseases + counseling for how to deal with you and the situation he faces. If he waits too long, he may get to a point where his pain will be too much for him. If he says he wants to help, but doesn't do anything, then he may not really want to help, but rather is seeking a short-term solution for his pain (which could be understandable if he is already worn down). That would be something to talk about. I'm sure you know already that when you are in pain, he experiences pain. It is pain for which he may not be able to do anything except pull away. Another reason for counseling. When dealing with mental illness, an licensed psychologist makes the best therapist IMO.

 

[Anonymous79]

Thanks for all your messages. I want to be closer to God and I feel the spiritual battle in me especially at times of trials. I know I have to work hard for a stronger faith and I know that this step of joining the forum is a start of building faith in Jesus. I spoke to my husband today and felt that he is also in pain with me and that more than anything else he wanted God to heal me. I feel there is a message that God is sending me with all these trials. There is something to learn from and to realize before He heals me. I feel hope that God will deliver me from this illness...at the right time. Thanks and God bless!