I admit that I am resentful

danibethb · Jul 30, 2006

I am starting to go through the same issue I have for about 6 months a year with my husband of 5 years-his obsession with football!
He stays on the internet for hours reading everything he can on his favorite teams, scours the sports page, and drives many miles to go to games on the weekends. It is hard not to be resentful, because the last time i told him I thought he was more into football than me, he left me for 5 days, saying he needed time off to decide if he was going to divorce me.
We never go anywhere socially and haven't been on a vacation in over 2 years. He says he is too tired and we can't afford to do anything else! (He makes about 70-80,000 a year and I help him in our business.
We are Christians and deacons in our church- Anytime anyone has ever tried to talk to him about this issue, he gets mad and tells them it is my problem. He refuses counseling , and is defensive and hateful to me anytime I need his time and attention. I have accepted that this is my life , but inside it really hurts to know that he doesn't love me like he does a sport. I know he enjoys it, and I wouldn't have a problem with his attraction to it if only he wasn't so out of balance about it...
He is totally inflexible about it. I have tried to go to the games so we can share in something he loves, but he acts as though he wishes I would stay home.
All our friends are married and I get so tired of being a 3rd wheel when I go do other things while he is "footballing". His brother is the head football coach at a major university, and he worships him, even though his brother and his family are very wealthy and treat us like dirt every time we are around.(We have invited them to our house again and again but they never come, and they do not invite us to their house. They have even invited other people to parties in front of us without inviting us!)
I pray for security because it troubles me to know that if he had to make a choice, it wouldn't be me- he has already told me that and I hate getting up everyday knowing that everything i have done in the last 5 years (nursed him through an accident, his brother's suicide, his mother's drug addiction and a very expensive and combative child custody battle) doesn't seem to matter...
I refuse to give up my marriage, but sometimes i wonder if I am being a fool- I don't believe God wants it to be like this!

WashedClean · Jul 30, 2006

Hi Danibeth

Welcome to CF!

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I have a couple of questions, if you don't mind...

Is your husband a Christian? If so, it sounds like football/sports is an idol in his life. According to Scripture, a husband is supposed to love his wife as Christ loved the church. This means being willing to die for her.

Have you spoken with a pastor? Christian Counselor? Will your husband consider counseling of any kind?

Sorry for all the questions, but it's hard to give advice if I don't know your husband's relationship with the Lord.

My heart aches for you because I can tell you really want to make your marriage work. And remember, with God all things are possible.

I'll be praying for you. Please PM me if you like.

In Christ,

Jill/WashedClean

danibethb · Jul 30, 2006

Unfortunately, I have tried all of the above--he gets mad if anyone tries to tell him anything about this-whether its our pastor, elder or another deacon-
He is a Christian , but only when it is convenient or he needs prayer. He is in total denial about this situation and refuses to listen to anyone or anything-even the Bible. I know he has read the verse you quoted over and over, but says his interpretation tells him that there is nothing wrong with the way he treats me and if I don't like it, we can divorce and be done with it--
He thinks that men who adore their wives are "wusses" and he looks down on them. He puts

danibethb · Jul 30, 2006

Unfortunately, I have tried all of the above--he gets mad if anyone tries to tell him anything about this-whether its our pastor, elder or another deacon-
He is a Christian , but only when it is convenient or he needs prayer. He is in total denial about this situation and refuses to listen to anyone or anything-even the Bible. I know he has read the verse you quoted over and over, but says his interpretation tells him that there is nothing wrong with the way he treats me and if I don't like it, we can divorce and be done with it--
He thinks that men who adore their wives are "wusses" and he looks down on them. He

Galadriel · Jul 30, 2006

Well, this is tough. I am so very sorry that he is doing this, I mean he has a great wife who cares, yet he just tosses you aside. It makes me mad. It sounds like he would easily pick football if there came time to make a choice, and that is just so sad. Part of me wants to say let him have his stupid football, and he can deal without you, because its cruel to you to make you waste your life.

Maybe you do need to talk to him and be like "listen this has been going on way too long, you need to let me know where we stand, and which is it going to be, me or football, so I can know and stop wasting my time here." Its just hard because despite this I can understand you love him, but I think you have to realize if you want to keep feeling like this and keep going the way you are, or try and take a stand against this. I am just so sorry that you are being put through this, and it makes me mad for your sake that you aren't being treated the way a wife should be.

WashedClean · Jul 30, 2006

You mention a custody battle in your first post. Do you have children living with you? If so, how do they feel about it?

Even if he won't go to counseling, you can still go on your own. It's not ideal, but better than nothing. Can you ask all your elders, pastors, etc. to pray for the situation? Perhaps a separation is in order. I'm not advocating divorce, but maybe separation would get his attention.

I would focus my attention on the Lord and spend more and more time with him in prayer. Perhaps God will give you peace and your husband will take notice.

I'm sorry I don't have better advice to offer. I certainly feel your pain and understand your resentment and frustration. It's not right.

In Christ,

Jill

Theogonia · Jul 30, 2006

You don't need help. He does.

And if he's going to make a sport a higher priority than you, and not care, you need to stop wasting your life with someone who obviously doesn't love you as much as he should.

FrauleinElsa · Jul 30, 2006

Hi,

I am not married so if I say something stupid or unhelpful that's why. I just know people that's all.

He stays on the internet for hours reading everything he can on his favorite teams, scours the sports page, and drives many miles to go to games on the weekends. It is hard not to be resentful, because the last time i told him I thought he was more into football than me, he left me for 5 days, saying he needed time off to decide if he was going to divorce me.
We never go anywhere socially and haven't been on a vacation in over 2 years. He says he is too tired and we can't afford to do anything else! (He makes about 70-80,000 a year and I help him in our business.

That sounds really cold to me. Does your husband have self-esteem issues? It sounds as though he might or he's looking for approval and acceptance from his brother. But that kind of validation isn't healthy. Nor, is it the kind of relationship anyone should want to have.

We are Christians and deacons in our church- Anytime anyone has ever tried to talk to him about this issue, he gets mad and tells them it is my problem. He refuses counseling , and is defensive and hateful to me anytime I need his time and attention. I have accepted that this is my life , but inside it really hurts to know that he doesn't love me like he does a sport. I know he enjoys it, and I wouldn't have a problem with his attraction to it if only he wasn't so out of balance about it.He is a Christian , but only when it is convenient or he needs prayer. He is in total denial about this situation and refuses to listen to anyone or anything-even the Bible.

As members (or even attenders) of a church, you must be willing to put yourself under the direction and athority of the leadership. If he is a Christian he doesn't have the luxury of saying "It's my life." Because it's not. It should be God's life now. Ultimately, he needs to bear in mind that it's God who gets the final word. It sounds as though he hasn't surrendered. You said that he's only a Christian though when it's convenient. I'm sorry but that doesn't sound like he's really living the Christian life. Being a Christian isn't about what we can get it's about what we can give back to God. I know you may know this already, but I just wanted to give you a reminder in case it's needed.

I know he has read the verse you quoted over and over, but says his interpretation tells him that there is nothing wrong with the way he treats me and if I don't like it, we can divorce and be done with it--
He thinks that men who adore their wives are "wusses" and he looks down on them

That is definitely not right. It sounds like there is something wrong. Maybe he grew up in a household where his father felt the same? Maybe his family has a problem expressing feelings for each other? Whatever the reason, WashedClean is right. He shouldn't be treating you this way. It could be that he keeps saying that you should divorce him because deep down he doesn't think you will. You deserve better than this and I'm sure this isn't what God wants for you. I would exhaust counseling and keep trying to get him to get help with you. Keep praying. Things may change, they may not. But as long as you know that you've done everything you can to stay together then if you do have to leave the blame won't be on you. I hope this helped in some way. I am so sorry that you're hurting .

Love,
Liz

FrauleinElsa · Jul 30, 2006

ScottyL said:
You don't need help. He does.

And if he's going to make a sport a higher priority than you, and not care, you need to stop wasting your life with someone who obviously doesn't love you as much as he should.

Well said, and in half the time of my post.

Liz

Randombitsofstring · Jul 30, 2006

I can not offer much advice expect that I understand where you are coming from. My husband is completely addicted to internet games like Everquest. He doesnt attend church anymore (it would cut into his game time) But he gets very mad and defensive if anyone questions him about his gamming.

I dont know if I can offer you any good Christian advice. As for myself Im taking it one day at a time until the kids are old enough to move out and then if things are still bad I think I will divorce him and hope that too much life hasnt past me by. Until then I try to stay busy with hobbies of my own and taking care of the kids.

wonderwaleye · Jul 30, 2006

Dear Danibethb

I can see you have tried many things to no avail.

You say your husband is a deacon. Then he should have no problem following Church law.

This is GOD'S WAY:

"
MAT 18:15-17
Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.
But if he will not hear [thee, then] take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.
And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell [it] unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican "

Have FAITH in GOD'S WORD. If you follow GOD'S WILL and he chooses not to listen, then the loss is his.

Then you know in your heart you have done everything GOD has advised you to do in this situation

You let the preacher know you want a hearing before council. Then the ball is in the preachers corner to decide if GOD'S WORD stands!!!

BE STEADFAST AND REMEMBER:

X Even though you can't see him, GOD is there!!! O
( click on the x and drag to the O ) ( then see who is with you ) steven

bliz · Jul 31, 2006

Neither your husband or you should be deacons at this time. Your house is not in order. But that is a minor part of it...

I suggest that when football season starts (I guess in some ways it has started already with pro football training camps opening this past week) that you move into a different bedroom in the house. Make it clear to him that you will be glad to be his wife when the season is over. Make some new friends you can do things with and build a life for yourself during the off season.

I'm not suggesting that this will shape him up or get him to change his actions. This is not an attempt to force his hand. This is simply a way for you to survive, and perhaps find some enjoyment and pleasure for 6 months out of the year.

My guess is that somehow all of this is about unresolved childhood issues, issues that he refuses to face and probably will not face unless something forces him to do so, and I cannot imagine what that would be.

But you will not win this battle, so stop fighting it so that you are not driven crazy year after year. I suggest that you get some counseling for yourself on how you can best cope with this situation and look into some classes you might like to take or volunteer work you can do or focus on meeting other women who might enjoy your company.

danibethb · Jul 31, 2006

shalomshalomgurl said:
Hi,

I am not married so if I say something stupid or unhelpful that's why. I just know people that's all.

That sounds really cold to me. Does your husband have self-esteem issues? It sounds as though he might or he's looking for approval and acceptance from his brother. But that kind of validation isn't healthy. Nor, is it the kind of relationship anyone should want to have.

As members (or even attenders) of a church, you must be willing to put yourself under the direction and athority of the leadership. If he is a Christian he doesn't have the luxury of saying "It's my life." Because it's not. It should be God's life now. Ultimately, he needs to bear in mind that it's God who gets the final word. It sounds as though he hasn't surrendered. You said that he's only a Christian though when it's convenient. I'm sorry but that doesn't sound like he's really living the Christian life. Being a Christian isn't about what we can get it's about what we can give back to God. I know you may know this already, but I just wanted to give you a reminder in case it's needed.

That is definitely not right. It sounds like there is something wrong. Maybe he grew up in a household where his father felt the same? Maybe his family has a problem expressing feelings for each other? Whatever the reason, WashedClean is right. He shouldn't be treating you this way. It could be that he keeps saying that you should divorce him because deep down he doesn't think you will. You deserve better than this and I'm sure this isn't what God wants for you. I would exhaust counseling and keep trying to get him to get help with you. Keep praying. Things may change, they may not. But as long as you know that you've done everything you can to stay together then if you do have to leave the blame won't be on you. I hope this helped in some way. I am so sorry that you're hurting .

Love,
Liz

To all of you have responded, I say thank you and God bless you for the caring hearts-
I really appreciate the replies, and I know that this way of life isn't the marriage that the Bible recommends, its just that I struggle with not having anything I can do about it. If anyone intervenes, he threatens to quit the church and leave me. He doesn't want to talk about it (I think because he knows it is wrong!) I continue to pray that God will be able to get through to him--that he will stop rejecting the principles that we have learned in all the classes (like Marriage on the Rock) we have attended about having a Godly marriage. He always discounts what he hears- he says "it is just someone's opinion or interpretation of the Bible", so he never believes it is true for HIM.
My pastor and elders who have tried to reason with him have already said that I will have to prepare for a divorce if I ever make him choose.They also have advised me that if I ever separate from him he will never take me back, and I know that it is true.
We did go to 2 counseling sessions with our pastor and his wife, but Mrs. Pastor said they couldn't do it anymore, because she didn't feel comfortable counseling someone about marriage because she and the pastor have alot of problems in the same areas that they have not worked out.
Once that counseling ceased, my husband has used it as an excuse that we tried counseling and it didn't work, so he isn't going to do anything else.
Anyway, thanks again for the support!!

Galadriel · Jul 31, 2006

Its just awful that he is doing this, and absolutely refuses to see that he is in the wrong. Its almost impossible to work with people who are like this.

It sounds like what it comes down to is either you know this is happening and you resign yourself to living like this with him pretty much for the rest of your life, or you tell him to choose either you or the sports and realize this will probably result in him leaving you.

I am just so sorry that you are having to go through this. Did you know he was like this before you guys married? Was it about the same even in the beginning of the marriage, or was he not really into sports and then this developed?

wtopneuma · Jul 31, 2006

You cannot force your husband to see his problems. You can pray, which is the most powerful spiritual weapon Christians have in their arsenal. I agree with the one who mentioned that your husbands actions stem from events during his childhood. He is using emotional blackmail on you. It is not your job to keep the marriage together. You can remove any bricks you have placed in the wall of separation but you cannot remove your husbands. Only God can bring him the conviction to remove those bricks. Depend on Jesus to meet your needs. Don't retaliate to his behavior. Build on the intimacy of your relationship with Jesus Christ so that His love can flow through you into the life of your husband. The effects of your relationship with Jesus can get your husbands attention in ways words never can. According to what I have heard from other couples, the wayward mate sees something that is missing from their life and begin to seek it. This is what you want. Make Jesus your need supplier so that you will be content to wait on His timing to bring your husband around. This will also remove much of the hurt from your husbands actions.

danibethb · Aug 2, 2006

Galadriel said:
Its just awful that he is doing this, and absolutely refuses to see that he is in the wrong. Its almost impossible to work with people who are like this.

It sounds like what it comes down to is either you know this is happening and you resign yourself to living like this with him pretty much for the rest of your life, or you tell him to choose either you or the sports and realize this will probably result in him leaving you.

I am just so sorry that you are having to go through this. Did you know he was like this before you guys married? Was it about the same even in the beginning of the marriage, or was he not really into sports and then this developed?

Apparently he has always loved football- his brother(who is now a college coach) played for the pros, but they became estranged (due to his brother's wife) for many years and when I started dating him, he didn't really care that much sports- that all changed when his brother finally decided to let go of the past and speak to him again...
3 years ago, his brother got this coaching job a couple of hours from where we live, and my husband began his obsession with all things football. He goes to the games and his brother usually talks to him for about 5-10 minutes before or after the game, and that is all the contact he has with him. There have been alot of times where we have gotten to the game 2 hours early so he could see his brother before the game, then his brother would be busy and he wouldn't see him at all-and one night we stayed 1 1/2 hours AFTER the game only to find out his brother had already left the stadium because he had a party or something to go to-he couldn't be bothered to say good bye or anything...
I am glad they have reconciled, but I know that it isn't because his brother has tried, my husband has done all the giving and sacrificing (of time, energy, and effort) and it hurts to know that his is unwilling to do that kind of giving when it comes to me. I wish it didn't matter - my life would be alot easier if I just didn't care if I am a priority to him or not!

Treasurer · Aug 2, 2006

It's sad that your husband refuses correction.

In the ideal situation your husband would heed the warnings of God, change his ways, and do what is right and just in the eyes of God.

Bliz is right though, focus on yourself. John the baptist couldnt change Herod and Herodius, all he could do was give warning to his wrong lifestyle. Jesus warned the pharisee's about the things they were doing wrong, yet many of them too were heart hearted towards God.

Living with people that drive you nuts is no pick nick. It is because you have been given the word of God and know what is right, and you want them to obey what is right. But no matter how hard we try we cant change hearts and minds, that is God's department. We give warnings from God's word, and hope the message is recieved.

From then on out it is about how you live for God. When the day comes and you stand before God, you wont be able to blame anything on your husband, nor will he be able to blame you. What you are responsible for is how you live for Christ. Live your life in accordance with the Word of God.

Dont despise what you are going thru, although it may seem like the thing to do. When we go through trials, we learn many things about our relationship with God. Learning to trust his wisdom over our own.

I used to be resentful of my brother (whom I live with). It seems like he always gets catered to and I am left out in the cold. I remember one day he and I had a fight, well I lectured. My brother has panic attacks and agoriphobia, and this particular time he wanted a cell phone. We didnt really have the money to be getting him one, so that was what the arguement was over.

I got really upset and walked outside for some fresh air. The Lord just hit me with the truth of the situation, and boy did I feel shame. The Lord revealed to me "why" he needed the cell phone. It wasnt about money or getting what he wanted, it was about being able to go outside and do things. To give him the ability to get part of his life back.

I felt really bad when God revealed this to me, because it really shined a light on my personality flaw. I was giving strength to worry and distrust. I had placed my faith in the wrong place- money. So I immediately repented- went back inside and said to my brother, the Lord told me why you need a phone, so let's go get it.

I think I seen his jaw drop, lol.

When we hold resentment we dont always see ourselves, and our flaws. All we see is the one of the person making us resentful. And then we make ourselves out to be more righteous than they are. Yet this is where God can actually work some amazing truths in you!

In the midst of advercity is when we most learn to trust God. If our life was perfect, how would we know the truths we had recieved from God were true in our lives? We would never have the chance to try them out. This is our opportunity to see where our faith is. (And in whom do we trust).

So although this situation you are living in is not wonderful, be like the disciples when they said they counted it all joy when trials came. I never got that until the Lord showed it to me in my life. Take the oppotunity to let the Lord teach you thru this. You will be a much better follower of Christ for it.

My favorite saying, which has caught on here at my house is: "Run to the Roar" when we face the enemy that is where the miracles take place. Like Daniel, dont worry about man's judgment, trust in the Lord's judgment. Lean not on your own understanding of things, but in all ways acknowledge God, and he will direct your path.

God Bless you my friend,
Be strong and courageous!

I admit that I am resentful

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