- Sep 23, 2005
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This is unusual. Do you think the spearkerphone was his idea or his mothers?
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What made it so unbearable was that when he would call me which would be most days... he would always have me on speaker phone with his mother, brother, sister in law and the kids in the room. At first I didn’t think much of it but when I realized that every time he called this is the only way he talked to me it started to feel like I couldn’t talk to him without thinking about making sure I didn’t say anything too personal with everyone listening in and feeling like I needed a “chaperone” to talk to my husband. When I finally called him when he was alone and told him we needed time alone talking especially because of this physical distance and time between us he brushed it off and was like “okay.” But he continued to only talk to me on speaker phone in front of the whole family. I again got him on the phone alone and repeated the conversation as before... I literally had to become very upset and repeat this conversation at least 4 or 5 times total before he finally complied and started talking to me privately more. This made me feel that he didn’t value my feelings or respect me at all the fact that he kept doing this and also didn’t seem to understand what he was doing was strange when I felt uncomfortable only being able to share a conversation with his mother present.
Do you have any idea why she would say this?
What has your relationship with her been like?
First let me say if you read all of this God bless you. I’m sorry... it’s just so much to say.
My husband has been turning down sex for a while now. At first I thought maybe it was just because of performance anxiety or because of his hypothyroid issues affecting sex drive because he’s used both as excuses before. But it really started after when we had moved to another state 700 miles away from our hometown. What happened was that he ended up being miserable in the new job we moved out there for so wanted to quit. We had decided we wanted to stay in the area because we liked it there so he started looking for another job and I kept working at my job. At the same time he was looking his mother was getting ready to close their family store back in his hometown. We talked about it and even though I wasn’t crazy about it... I agreed to the idea of him quitting his job and temporarily going down to help her get the family store ready to close. It was worth doing it for just a few months because the money he’d be making was extremely good for just a short time. But he promised me it would be about 3 months and warned me he might have to go over that a little bit. He knew I wasn’t crazy about the idea of him leaving me up there alone... especially since I would be turning 35 that year and we’d been trying to have children. We both agreed we didn’t want to go back to hometown (I thought... but I have no idea any more what he’s thinking..he said he didn’t want to go back).
Anyway it was a tough year because my biological clock was ticking like crazy and it was really important to me that we keep trying. He’s never given me any reason to think he didn’t want kids... quite the opposite. It ended up being 9 months he was gone and I was not happy at all about it... because that was not the agreement but his mother kept dragging her feet on getting things done so that my husband could do what he needed to get done. He acted extremely frustrated that she was doing this... but honestly I don’t know what to think about his actions anymore. What made it so unbearable was that when he would call me which would be most days... he would always have me on speaker phone with his mother, brother, sister in law and the kids in the room. At first I didn’t think much of it but when I realized that every time he called this is the only way he talked to me it started to feel like I couldn’t talk to him without thinking about making sure I didn’t say anything too personal with everyone listening in and feeling like I needed a “chaperone” to talk to my husband. When I finally called him when he was alone and told him we needed time alone talking especially because of this physical distance and time between us he brushed it off and was like “okay.” But he continued to only talk to me on speaker phone in front of the whole family. I again got him on the phone alone and repeated the conversation as before... I literally had to become very upset and repeat this conversation at least 4 or 5 times total before he finally complied and started talking to me privately more. This made me feel that he didn’t value my feelings or respect me at all the fact that he kept doing this and also didn’t seem to understand what he was doing was strange when I felt uncomfortable only being able to share a conversation with his mother present. One time on speaker phone his mother said to me something about having fun with my boyfriend while my husband’s out of town. I found this extremely rude and inappropriate... and no there was no boyfriend.
Because of the distance between us my husband could only afford to travel to see me once a month for a few days. When he would come to see me I would expect to have sex obviously... and no I wasn’t pressuring him and making it all about having a baby. The first 3 months he refused my advances. This hurt really badly, it felt like a huge eye opener to how he must really feel about me when he hasn’t seen me in 1 month and doesn’t want to be with me intimately. After the 3 month mark he promised to be done by he started having sex again when he was there for his monthly visit. Just once usually though.
Ever since that time away I’d felt like a part of our relationship had lessened or maybe even died. I feel like he showed how little he valued me by the way he handled the situation. It changed the way I saw him. But when he got back finally I kind of decided I no longer felt that I wanted children with him. The relationship just felt so different and I didn’t know if we would be a good example of a a relationship between a mother and a father for a child. I no longer trusted him to be a good example of a father. But it felt like he put his mother before his wife and I don’t think that’s biblical or moral. He went way beyond the time limit we had agreed on. I don’t think it would have been quite so bad had it been 1 or even 2 months past but 3x longer than planned? No. I was afraid to tell him I had reservations about having children now because he still talked about it. He still never initiated. But I started only “wanting sex” on the weeks I knew I had the least chance of getting pregnant.
The whole point of telling all of this is to figure out WHY he’s acting the way he is now. I’ve gotten to a point with him where I’m still not thinking I want children with him but I also can’t live without sex. I didn’t get married thinking I was vowing to live a life of celibacy. But he seems to be consistently turning down sex. This is his typical approach to sex: When I’m in the mood, he comments that he knows I’m in the mood but he’s not. He’ll apologize and usually say let’s plan to do it tomorrow around such and such time. So then the next day he typically will follow through if he says he will. What is that? Is that him trying to control me with sex? I’m always in the mood at night and he says he’s tired at night. I’ve made an agreement with myself that I will no longer take scheduled sex from him. He knows I don’t like that the only way we have it is planning in advance. This is the ONLY way we have it. And if I initiate I’m turned down. I like spontaneity otherwise after everything he’s put me through it’s a turn off. Furthermore I’m tired of being turned down. It has hurt in the past (notice i said in the past... in just the past few days I think the last few romantic feelings I’ve had for him have died) and I’ve told him that last year when he went home to help his mom close the store it almost completely destroyed our relationship and that I honestly don’t think the marriage could make it through something like that again. His only response was “I know”.
Another thing that has really been damaging to our sex life and I’m just starting to realize how screwed up it is... is that most days randomly during the day he’ll playfully touch me sexually but then if I get aroused he won’t follow through. Considering that he has gotten to the point where he always turns down sex when I want it and has to control when we have it on top of that... does it sound like he’s just being cruel and trying to be the one in control? He was cheated on by his first wife and I wonder if he’s punishing me in someway with everything that’s happened because of his bad experience with her. Maybe he’s afraid I’ll leave him and he’s trying to turn me down first... or trying to make me feel like no other man would want me so I won’t leave??? The bad thing is I’ve held out hope for our relationship for a long time now and tried to be the good Christian wife but I’m realizing that it’s almost like he’s trying to push me away. Maybe he wants me to leave him I’ve even thought??? But if that’s the case why did we just move across country to the school of my choice so he can pay my way through going back to school? He seems so invested literally yet he doesn’t want sex. He makes absolutely no sense to me. And on the surface I don’t see that he’s angry at me or resents me in any way. But I’m starting to wonder if all of these things are more passive aggressive or covert than I’d initially realized.
Im going back to school to get a degree in psychology and may eventually want to go into ministry. But if I’m going to be any good to help other people and to have my relationship with God right... I HAVE to make some changes in this dysfunctional relationship... I can’t have the way he’s acting derail all of my hard work and commitments. The other concern I have is that some days I really need both the emotional and physical aspects of sex and masturbation seems to be my only viable option if I’m going to have the healthy strong boundaries I need in place to be any good to help people. So just last night I made a list of new boundaries I’m setting for myself because I don’t think I realized just how badly what he was doing was affecting me until now, it’s affecting my boundary lines in unhealthy ways and bleeding over in general into letting others cross boundaries too in non sexual ways. It’s also not good for my self esteem. And I’m struggling with lustful thoughts about other men... I’m afraid my husband being perfectly happy without sex with me is going to cause me to stumble and cheat. But these are the boundaries I feel I need to put up... because he’s forcing me into this:
1) I will no longer let him taunt me by touching me during the day when I know it will not lead to anything. I will push him away, my body is my body and he can’t toy with it like that.
2) I’m no longer initiating sex even if I really need it. I will take care of it myself.
3) I will only accept spontaneous sex FROM HIM if it feels sincere.... and I don’t know how he will convince me of that. At this point it would take a lot of romance and foreplay.
I know this sounds unbiblical but I don’t know what else to do... I’ve tried talking to him several times in the past asking if I did something or if he’s not attracted anymore or if I’m doing something to make him feel uncomfortable. I honestly feel attractive and I know other men find me attractive... and that’s what makes me most angry about all of this.... I feel so on edge now that my husband and me are unbonded. I’ve had men flirt with me and I feel vulnerable to being broken down at a weak moment some days. I stay as far away from men as I can and try to stay as detached from all men that could possibly be a problem in the future. But it seems some can sense the vulnerability. My husband has put me in an impossible position.
Today all feelings I had for him that were romantic died. I feel like I’m living with a platonic roommate who has the rights to tell me when I can and can’t have sex. I held out hope for a long time that things would get better and he’d make me feel pursued again... but that’s just not in the cards. I know I can’t have children with a man that doesn’t make me feel pursued and loved. I can’t control what he does. So I guess I’ll live a life of celibacy.
What do you think - does it sound like he’s just being cruel in a covert way? And if he’s really got malicious intent why is he taking care of me so well financially and is helping me empower myself? What do you think of my boundaries? I feel handling it this way is the only option to take care of myself.
His mother may not be a Christian if she said that; Christians are not to bear false witness nor let any unwholesome talk come out of their mouths.
Oops. I must have accidentally hit the emoticon when scrolling. That was completely accidental.@mkgal, how is that funny?
I would ask him in a very serious tone and try to notice hesitations to answer question. I would question any hesitations, and ask why there was a hesitation. Christians in general should not be good at lying. There are many tells to lying. My son lies when he answers too quickly. I can tell he is trying to cover something. A wife should be able to tell if this makes him uncomfortable. If it does ask why?How does a wife know if he's looking at inappropriate content? Men usually do that secretly.
I am by no means a tech wizard but is there something called facetime or something , like skype. Anyway, it's a way to have sexy moments during year when travelling. That may help bond you. If you are apart most of year it's hard to be intimate with a stranger. You Don't Need To reply, Just thinking Out loud.First let me say if you read all of this God bless you. I’m sorry... it’s just so much to say.
My husband has been turning down sex for a while now. At first I thought maybe it was just because of performance anxiety or because of his hypothyroid issues affecting sex drive because he’s used both as excuses before. But it really started after when we had moved to another state 700 miles away from our hometown. What happened was that he ended up being miserable in the new job we moved out there for so wanted to quit. We had decided we wanted to stay in the area because we liked it there so he started looking for another job and I kept working at my job. At the same time he was looking his mother was getting ready to close their family store back in his hometown. We talked about it and even though I wasn’t crazy about it... I agreed to the idea of him quitting his job and temporarily going down to help her get the family store ready to close. It was worth doing it for just a few months because the money he’d be making was extremely good for just a short time. But he promised me it would be about 3 months and warned me he might have to go over that a little bit. He knew I wasn’t crazy about the idea of him leaving me up there alone... especially since I would be turning 35 that year and we’d been trying to have children. We both agreed we didn’t want to go back to hometown (I thought... but I have no idea any more what he’s thinking..he said he didn’t want to go back).
Anyway it was a tough year because my biological clock was ticking like crazy and it was really important to me that we keep trying. He’s never given me any reason to think he didn’t want kids... quite the opposite. It ended up being 9 months he was gone and I was not happy at all about it... because that was not the agreement but his mother kept dragging her feet on getting things done so that my husband could do what he needed to get done. He acted extremely frustrated that she was doing this... but honestly I don’t know what to think about his actions anymore. What made it so unbearable was that when he would call me which would be most days... he would always have me on speaker phone with his mother, brother, sister in law and the kids in the room. At first I didn’t think much of it but when I realized that every time he called this is the only way he talked to me it started to feel like I couldn’t talk to him without thinking about making sure I didn’t say anything too personal with everyone listening in and feeling like I needed a “chaperone” to talk to my husband. When I finally called him when he was alone and told him we needed time alone talking especially because of this physical distance and time between us he brushed it off and was like “okay.” But he continued to only talk to me on speaker phone in front of the whole family. I again got him on the phone alone and repeated the conversation as before... I literally had to become very upset and repeat this conversation at least 4 or 5 times total before he finally complied and started talking to me privately more. This made me feel that he didn’t value my feelings or respect me at all the fact that he kept doing this and also didn’t seem to understand what he was doing was strange when I felt uncomfortable only being able to share a conversation with his mother present. One time on speaker phone his mother said to me something about having fun with my boyfriend while my husband’s out of town. I found this extremely rude and inappropriate... and no there was no boyfriend.
Because of the distance between us my husband could only afford to travel to see me once a month for a few days. When he would come to see me I would expect to have sex obviously... and no I wasn’t pressuring him and making it all about having a baby. The first 3 months he refused my advances. This hurt really badly, it felt like a huge eye opener to how he must really feel about me when he hasn’t seen me in 1 month and doesn’t want to be with me intimately. After the 3 month mark he promised to be done by he started having sex again when he was there for his monthly visit. Just once usually though.
Ever since that time away I’d felt like a part of our relationship had lessened or maybe even died. I feel like he showed how little he valued me by the way he handled the situation. It changed the way I saw him. But when he got back finally I kind of decided I no longer felt that I wanted children with him. The relationship just felt so different and I didn’t know if we would be a good example of a a relationship between a mother and a father for a child. I no longer trusted him to be a good example of a father. But it felt like he put his mother before his wife and I don’t think that’s biblical or moral. He went way beyond the time limit we had agreed on. I don’t think it would have been quite so bad had it been 1 or even 2 months past but 3x longer than planned? No. I was afraid to tell him I had reservations about having children now because he still talked about it. He still never initiated. But I started only “wanting sex” on the weeks I knew I had the least chance of getting pregnant.
The whole point of telling all of this is to figure out WHY he’s acting the way he is now. I’ve gotten to a point with him where I’m still not thinking I want children with him but I also can’t live without sex. I didn’t get married thinking I was vowing to live a life of celibacy. But he seems to be consistently turning down sex. This is his typical approach to sex: When I’m in the mood, he comments that he knows I’m in the mood but he’s not. He’ll apologize and usually say let’s plan to do it tomorrow around such and such time. So then the next day he typically will follow through if he says he will. What is that? Is that him trying to control me with sex? I’m always in the mood at night and he says he’s tired at night. I’ve made an agreement with myself that I will no longer take scheduled sex from him. He knows I don’t like that the only way we have it is planning in advance. This is the ONLY way we have it. And if I initiate I’m turned down. I like spontaneity otherwise after everything he’s put me through it’s a turn off. Furthermore I’m tired of being turned down. It has hurt in the past (notice i said in the past... in just the past few days I think the last few romantic feelings I’ve had for him have died) and I’ve told him that last year when he went home to help his mom close the store it almost completely destroyed our relationship and that I honestly don’t think the marriage could make it through something like that again. His only response was “I know”.
Another thing that has really been damaging to our sex life and I’m just starting to realize how screwed up it is... is that most days randomly during the day he’ll playfully touch me sexually but then if I get aroused he won’t follow through. Considering that he has gotten to the point where he always turns down sex when I want it and has to control when we have it on top of that... does it sound like he’s just being cruel and trying to be the one in control? He was cheated on by his first wife and I wonder if he’s punishing me in someway with everything that’s happened because of his bad experience with her. Maybe he’s afraid I’ll leave him and he’s trying to turn me down first... or trying to make me feel like no other man would want me so I won’t leave??? The bad thing is I’ve held out hope for our relationship for a long time now and tried to be the good Christian wife but I’m realizing that it’s almost like he’s trying to push me away. Maybe he wants me to leave him I’ve even thought??? But if that’s the case why did we just move across country to the school of my choice so he can pay my way through going back to school? He seems so invested literally yet he doesn’t want sex. He makes absolutely no sense to me. And on the surface I don’t see that he’s angry at me or resents me in any way. But I’m starting to wonder if all of these things are more passive aggressive or covert than I’d initially realized.
Im going back to school to get a degree in psychology and may eventually want to go into ministry. But if I’m going to be any good to help other people and to have my relationship with God right... I HAVE to make some changes in this dysfunctional relationship... I can’t have the way he’s acting derail all of my hard work and commitments. The other concern I have is that some days I really need both the emotional and physical aspects of sex and masturbation seems to be my only viable option if I’m going to have the healthy strong boundaries I need in place to be any good to help people. So just last night I made a list of new boundaries I’m setting for myself because I don’t think I realized just how badly what he was doing was affecting me until now, it’s affecting my boundary lines in unhealthy ways and bleeding over in general into letting others cross boundaries too in non sexual ways. It’s also not good for my self esteem. And I’m struggling with lustful thoughts about other men... I’m afraid my husband being perfectly happy without sex with me is going to cause me to stumble and cheat. But these are the boundaries I feel I need to put up... because he’s forcing me into this:
1) I will no longer let him taunt me by touching me during the day when I know it will not lead to anything. I will push him away, my body is my body and he can’t toy with it like that.
2) I’m no longer initiating sex even if I really need it. I will take care of it myself.
3) I will only accept spontaneous sex FROM HIM if it feels sincere.... and I don’t know how he will convince me of that. At this point it would take a lot of romance and foreplay.
I know this sounds unbiblical but I don’t know what else to do... I’ve tried talking to him several times in the past asking if I did something or if he’s not attracted anymore or if I’m doing something to make him feel uncomfortable. I honestly feel attractive and I know other men find me attractive... and that’s what makes me most angry about all of this.... I feel so on edge now that my husband and me are unbonded. I’ve had men flirt with me and I feel vulnerable to being broken down at a weak moment some days. I stay as far away from men as I can and try to stay as detached from all men that could possibly be a problem in the future. But it seems some can sense the vulnerability. My husband has put me in an impossible position.
Today all feelings I had for him that were romantic died. I feel like I’m living with a platonic roommate who has the rights to tell me when I can and can’t have sex. I held out hope for a long time that things would get better and he’d make me feel pursued again... but that’s just not in the cards. I know I can’t have children with a man that doesn’t make me feel pursued and loved. I can’t control what he does. So I guess I’ll live a life of celibacy.
What do you think - does it sound like he’s just being cruel in a covert way? And if he’s really got malicious intent why is he taking care of me so well financially and is helping me empower myself? What do you think of my boundaries? I feel handling it this way is the only option to take care of myself.
But it really started after when we had moved to another state 700 miles away from our hometown. What happened was that he ended up being miserable in the new job we moved out there for so wanted to quit. We had decided we wanted to stay in the area because we liked it there so he started looking for another job and I kept working at my job. At the same time he was looking his mother was getting ready to close their family store back in his hometown.
I do not recall a vow guaranteeing sexual satisfaction.If he denies you intimacy and his love/need for you then he is acting unfaithful to his marriage vows.
Hi GodsChild,
After reading your post 2 things came to mind. The possibility that his first wife had an affair because sex became infrequent. And (as I think was the case with my husband) he may be suffering from depression.
I agree with Phoebe Ann about seeing a counsellor. My suggestion would be for it to be a female Christian counsellor. You might have to visit a few before you find a suitable one, so I would also suggest treating the first session as an investigation about whether you think it is the right person. If you poor out your heart and realise that it isn't the right person, you then have to go through it all again and it can be very draining. And of course pray about it too.
I would look into why a husband would not want sex. Perhaps he is satisfied with something outside of marriage, like inappropriate content, or something else. also I was thinking about the scheduling thing, perhaps he is stressed due to work? That would make sense if he didn't feel right. But over stimulation via inappropriate contentography would be one reason for not being satisfied with marriage bed and also cause confidence issues. See if He is fantasizing over perfect women online repeatedly, then little old wifey will not longer do it for Him. I would ask some probing questions. Especially if He is gone major parts of the year, He has to have some kind of outlet that He is not mentioning.
When you say these are excuses, are you saying that he does not in fact have these conditions, or that you think he references them in a bad faith manner rather than tell you the actual reason?
Do you think these were ever valid reasons for refusing in the past?
How close is he with his mother and why would she put out "boyfriend" comments over the phone? There is obviously something deeper going on and you need to get to the bottom of it before bringing a baby into it.
Do you have any idea why she would say this?
What has your relationship with her been like?
Did he ever, at any point in your relationship, initiate?
Rejection in such a fashion is painful. However, there are many reasons this could happen.
When you bring it up, what does he say?
It appears he stated what he meant. He wasn't in the mood at that time, and then he indicated he could work up to it later. He then followed through later.
Is he generally stressed?
It is not unusual for people to be tired at the end of the day. And his sexual response might be lessened then.
If you refuse sex when you could get pregnant, and refuse sex that is planned, and you prefer sex at night, yet he does not prefer sex at night, does not prefer spontaneous, and apparently wants children--that sounds like it is going to not work out often.
At this point you seem to be thinking he is manipulating you. You indicate in earlier posts that you had an abusive emotional relationship before, and an abusive work situation, and possibly an abusive situation with your mother.
Did you ever work through those issues fully? Are you sure he is manipulating you, or is he just trying to care for you, and is struggling with this aspect?
I would ask him in a very serious tone and try to notice hesitations to answer question. I would question any hesitations, and ask why there was a hesitation. Christians in general should not be good at lying. There are many tells to lying. My son lies when he answers too quickly. I can tell he is trying to cover something. A wife should be able to tell if this makes him uncomfortable. If it does ask why?
This is what has me wondering as well. It's strange to me that he can schedule for the next day (and you've posted that he *does* follow through on that). If he's not taking medication for ED - then what is he doing in preparation, I wonder.So I never know what to think when he wants to schedule for the next day. Maybe I just don’t understand how the male body works. I totally understand that when you’re not in the mood, you’re not in the mood. But I think he’d be perfectly content having no sex life with me at all. So how is it that he’s able to work himself up to it the next day if it’s not something his body is needing? Does this mean he’s masturbating regularly and doesn’t purposely the day of being intimate with me? Or does it mean that before he gets with me he watches a bunch of inappropriate content to get “ready” for it?
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