Husband sick a lot

[caresforthebirds]

Emotionally, we have a healthy marriage, we are very loving toward each other and get along great.

The issue is his many health concerns, it seems like if it isn't his pancreatitis, his diabetes is acting up, or his messed up eye, or his knee, or his diet changes yet again. I have said that I feel more like his caretaker than his wife much of the time. This causes much anxiety and pain in both of us.

I pray a lot for his health and post prayer requests here, but is there anything else I can do?

 

[seeingeyes]

Emotionally, we have a healthy marriage, we are very loving toward each other and get along great.

The issue is his many health concerns, it seems like if it isn't his pancreatitis, his diabetes is acting up, or his messed up eye, or his knee, or his diet changes yet again. I have said that I feel more like his caretaker than his wife much of the time. This causes much anxiety and pain in both of us.

I pray a lot for his health and post prayer requests here, but is there anything else I can do?

Have you told your husband this?

 

[ValleyGal]

I know people with pancreatitis and diabetes, etc. and they actually take care of themselves. Diet is the one area that mostly affects their spouses, but when you adapt to their eating, I'm not sure what kind of care you would be giving. Don't get me wrong - I sympathize with my friends who have spouses who are sick. One of my friends has a husband with debilitating MS, and she really does take care of him - he is barely mobile and requires a lot of disability aides, even a hydraulic lift. I see her struggles and know that her marital role is not what she thought it would be when she promised "in sickness and in health." I'm just curious about diabetes and pancreatitis, though...what kind of care does your husband require that makes you feel more like a caregiver than his wife.

 

[caresforthebirds]

He has to eat at specific times and eat specific things and I have to record them and give him insulin shots. He has other health concerns, a knee that is bad that he complains about a lot, and a damaged eye. But you have a point, I mean it could be far more than that I would have to deal with. It's kind of like I feel our marriage revolves around his health concerns all the time, our past roommate complained that was all we talked about.

 

[ValleyGal]

If I understand you correctly, you are looking for ways to connect more that have nothing to do with his health concerns, and more to do with your relationship, more to do with building your life apart from the health concerns, and moving on with your life where health concerns are not a major issue all the time. It sounds like you (both) got stuck in adapting to his concerns and didn't move on with incorporating new ways of doing things into life in general.

Now that you have adapted to his eating needs, what is stopping the two of you from connecting in other ways and enjoying doing things in spite of his health?

 

[bluegreysky]

Well, I would treat him and encourage him to live as normal as possible.
I don't get sick in the sense of being laid up in bed for days but I have alot of issues with allergy and I have alot of days that I feel run down or like I have a little bug. I used to panic and let it rule me but I learned to just go ahead with plans, its just an allergy, it wont get worse. My husband has PTSD and he used to let it rule him and stayed holed up in the house playing video games, but then he decided to stop letting it rule him, get out and do martial arts and go to church and it healed him.
He still has bad days, but they aren't enough to stop him from doing something together like they used to when we were dating.
My mom on the other hand has the same problems with allergy,
and so when everyone goes out to dinner, she stays home.
She won't come up and visit me as much because it means she might throw off her diet and rest doing something out of sync with what she usually does. And it makes us worry about her.
So I decided that though I could constantly decline invitations to do stuff, I'd rather just pack a few slices of gluten free bread in my purse and go ahead to the cookout and just eat the burger on my own bread.
I try to go about life as normal as possible, just discreetly bringing what I need along. So does he.
It might be harder with a bad knee, diabetes and a bad eye, but it doesn't have to ruin all the fun. You can sit down at the movies and you can sneak in your own healthy snacks. The big screen should make it easier to see. You can go to a pool party and just make sure to pack him his special diet snacks and he can float in the pool while you socialize.
If he has to eat 2 hours before the dinner yall got invited to, then he eats at home and he sits at the dinner table and enjoys a small snack. no harm. people are more understanding these days.
That's just my opinion.

*and I almost forgot- the friends around you can help too. Like, I have to try to be gluten free and I have my allergies, but so does about 4 other ladies in my church social circle. In fact, their diets are even more strict than mine. Maybe if you made some friends who also have special needs, then hanging out as a group you wouldn't feel like the fifth wheel or the oddball.

 

[Inkachu]

Emotionally, we have a healthy marriage, we are very loving toward each other and get along great.

The issue is his many health concerns, it seems like if it isn't his pancreatitis, his diabetes is acting up, or his messed up eye, or his knee, or his diet changes yet again. I have said that I feel more like his caretaker than his wife much of the time. This causes much anxiety and pain in both of us.

I pray a lot for his health and post prayer requests here, but is there anything else I can do?

Same here, sister. My husband has horrible psoriasis (external and internal) which means he's in pain 24/7 and is constantly on pain medications (which cause a slew of side effects, and if he doesn't take them, he goes into detox, which is it's own bit of fun). Plus he has diabetes (which he CAN control with diet, but tends not to...). So he's almost always either tired, in pain, or sick. All day every day.

Wives like us are certainly given a challenging role to fulfill. How to love and support our men without going into "mommy" mode, or allowing their conditions to cause us stress and exhaustion to the point where we're falling apart ourselves.

Since you can't wave a magic wand and instantly heal your husband, you need to manage your anxiety and stress instead. Make sure you're giving yourself some quiet time each day. Pray, read your Bible, listen to music, go for a walk.

Also, make sure that you allow your husband to "be a man" at every opportunity. Husbands who struggle physically tend to feel frustrated that they can't do everything they feel a man should do, and if we hover and baby them and do everything for them, it's emasculating and doing them a disservice. If he wants to say, mow the lawn, and you think "OH no, honey, you don't feel well, let me do that, or we'll hire someone to do it" STOP yourself. If he feels he can do it, let him try. If he manages to do it successfully, praise him and thank him. If he can't manage it, quietly offer to help, then thank him for trying anyway.

Above all else, stay close to God. Always pray for your husband's healing. Pray for your own strength and peace. Try to find the capacity to be grateful for the privilege of ministering to your husband by caring for him. It's an honor to love someone who is sick or disabled. It's a life of service in many ways, and we can find joy in that if we allow ourselves to.

 

[Inkachu]

It's kind of like I feel our marriage revolves around his health concerns all the time, our past roommate complained that was all we talked about.

Tell me about it!

Whenever someone asks me "how's your husband doing?", I feel like responding with, "Well, he has bad days, and not-so-bad days." I couldn't tell you the last time I could've said, "He's great, thanks!"

 

[akmom]

How old are you? I think our caretaking roles gradually increase as we get older. How diligent is he about his own health? Does he or can he prepare any of his meals? Can he record them himself? Can he give himself insulin?

I think a lot of men start to rely on their wives because they can. If the wife has been preparing breakfast, lunch and dinner for years, then it's natural to expect her to keep supplying the meals when it becomes 6-8 small meals a day, with strict portions and ingredients. And as the cook, of course she's expected to make the meals on schedule. But the fact is, it's a much more taxing demand than just making a few simple meals for the whole family, on a casual "when we're all hungry" schedule. If you've gone from chef to nurse, that's a big deal. And maybe not one that he realizes, or at least not to the full degree.

Maybe it's time to rethink responsibilities, and let your husband prepare some of the meals. Maybe every other meal? Record his own data. Get his own insulin ready and bring it to you. And maybe you can start asking him to pitch in for you too. Like, if you're thirsty and in the middle of the something, ask him to pour you a glass of tea or whatever. Ask him to start the coffee in the mornings. It isn't about making things more even really, but getting him to be PART of the routine. Getting him to be aware of your needs too, so he can reciprocate and make you feel cherished too. It's natural to start offering something to someone when they've requested it a few times already. Otherwise, sometimes it's hard to even think about their needs and wants, let alone know how to act on them.

I don't have the responsibilities that you do at this point in life. (I mean, I've cared for three infants, and many people tell me it's similar to care for someone with a chronic illness, so I understand how caretaking can completely take over your day.) But even without that level of responsibility, I know how housework in general can just drag out all day and sometimes feel like that's all you ever do. And I definitely feel less like that when I have someone doing it with me, or at least picking up the slack. Maybe you can encourage him to participate like that?