Hello everybody. I married my best friend on November 19, 2016. We were each other's first in everything. First boyfriend/girlfriend, first kiss, first everything. He is my dearest and closest friend, and I often realize that I couldn't have been luckier. He treats me extremely well and is an upmost gentleman. I know nobody is perfect, but I suppose in some way we have a habit of idealizing those we are close to. However, I feel like this imperfect part of my husband is hurting me very deeply.
Some background: A year after we began dating/courting, our relationship turned very serious. While we had stepped into the relationship with marriage in mind, we took our time to get to know each other. Once we hit that benchmark, our conversations turned extremely serious, and we both put forth our darkest skeletons. Unsurprisingly, they were very similar. I used to struggle with erotic fiction, while he had struggled with inappropriate contentography and erotic based stories. He said it had been years since he had viewed, but he was honest saying that the temptation was there sometimes.
When we had gone swimming with my siblings, my sisters and I wore modest bathing suits. He commented how beautiful it was, and I noted how he went out of his way not to even look at the other women there. I felt so sure and confident.
We got married and moved 1,000 miles away from my family because of his job. In fact, our honeymoon was spent driving my car from Florida to Texas. I struggled with being away from everyone that I knew, but despite this, I felt like the first 6 months was overall okay. Every day was absolutely wonderful with him, even if I did miss my family.
In June, we found out we were pregnant. It was completely unplanned and surprised us. Regretfully, our child went to be with the Lord at the end of the month. This took a toll on me, and we both grieved heavily.
Two or three months later, I opened our laptop and was surprised to see a very lewd video of naked women on the screen. At first, I assumed that it was a popup, not uncommon as we watch movies and tv series like Dowton Abbey on "other" sites. I exited out of it, and realized that we don't watch films on our laptop for that reason. It struck me odd, but I tried to forget it. When my husband fell asleep that night though, I searched the history on the laptop and found some interesting things. There had been searches from that machine for "star trek lesbians" which bothered me greatly as my husband is a HUGE trekkie and he had previously told me that watching women together was a "serious weakness that he did not indulge" during his bad years. The date for these searches were in June. There was also recent history that showed browsing on the website that I had seen earlier.
I didn't want to confront him about this at first. I wanted to collect my thoughts and approach it in a godly manner because I knew I would lose my temper otherwise (a flaw that is not triggered easily anymore). I climbed in bed and tried to snuggle close to him, but he woke up and immediately knew something was wrong. I kept my voice as calm as I could and told him that I knew, and it was something we could discuss together. He denied it all vehemently, crying in my arms and saying that it wasn't him. He stated something that I did know: the laptop was connected to his phone, which was connected to his office computer which other people used sometimes. Many are trekkies like him, it could have easily been someone else.
I wanted to believe him. My heart was aching as the last thing that I wanted to think was that my new husband was looking at inappropriate content after finding out that I was pregnant or after we lost our child, and so I forced myself to swallow that pill. I adjusted, but found that my usual drive to be intimate was lessened.
This past November, during our one year, we moved to a new apartment and I felt like it was a good, new start. Right before we traveled to Florida for Thanksgiving, I got a sick feeling in my stomach. I asked him if we could go over his phone history, and he protested for a moment before handing it over. We sat down and went through it together, as a team, talking and discussing and laughing as different things came up. Funny memes, interesting articles, science fiction, it was all there. However, my eye caught several things that didn't belong. An erotica fiction site was present, as well as other searches and links for inappropriate content. I scrolled past quickly, pretending that I hadn't seen it as my cheeks flushed. I don't know why I did that, I guess I just felt so comfortable that I didn't want the dream to end. We ended the session, and I handed his phone back over to him smiling.
He slipped to the restroom (not uncommon as he frequently has stomach problems), and I sat on our couch trying to mull things over in my head. He came back, and quickly picked up that something was wrong. I tried to brush it off again, but then he asked me if I had seen something on his phone. My look gave it away, and he knew.
Immediately he says he saw it too, and that it might be a virus. Tears began rolling, and he said that he understood if I didn't believe him. He said he was upset because it felt like he would forever be haunted by his past bad actions, and there was no logical way I should trust him in this situation, but he was telling the truth. He wouldn't hurt me like that, and he wouldn't hurt himself like that. I ask for us to look at it together again, to get to the root of the problem. Lo and behold, while he was using the restroom, he had purged his phone of viruses. He did let me take a look at it, and it was clearly obvious to me that all he did was clear his history. All of it. I was honest and told him it looked bad, and he agreed and broke down. I told him that at this point, I didn't even care if he was looking at inappropriate content or not. All I wanted from him was to be honest with me. All I wanted was honesty. He could do whatever he wanted after that. He still denied it, slumping over and crying.
I felt myself grow cold. I comforted him and held him, let him cry, and said I believed him. And honestly, a part of me did and still does. A part of me can never imagine him doing any of those things. He's always been far too good to me, every day he treats me so well. He's my best friend. He's always honest with me.
Despite this, I have made it a routine habit since then to periodically check his phone and computer without his knowledge. I know it probably isn't right, and unsurprisingly the mystery searches have stopped. He is being so careful, and yet there are some obvious clues. Despite being on his phone constantly, especially in the bathroom, everything lacks content. He still has the articles and memes and sci fi, but it is so sparse. You can see that there are things being deleted, but I have no idea what is. Why would he delete some content and not others? Sadly, I find now that I am no longer satisfied intimately by him at all because of this.
All this brings me to today. Last week, we began playing a very good and even modest MMO that is similar to Lord of the Rings. We're a team, and exclusively play with each other. Sadly, when he fell asleep early tonight, I found that on his phone he is looking up sexy armor pieces that show large breasted models in scantily clad armor pieces. I thought maybe he would be interested in crafting a set for my character, as we have discussed that in the past for a private roleplay. However, the other link that he looked at was for a video specifically titled as "Sexy Bikini Clad Woman from This Game".
I feel...sad. Disgusted a little, yes, but I think I have gotten to a point where I am at a crossroads. We have been married for 14 months, and they honestly have been wonderful. This is man that I still imagine growing old with. But I have two paths to choose: ignore everything and pretend its okay while never trusting him, or caring so much that it hurts. The latter choice involves me talking to him, and I don't know what to do if he still denies it. Divorce isn't an option, nor would I want it to be. I'm just not sure what direction to go, and God seems...quiet. I don't ever want my faith to be swayed, but I need a path to go, whether it is one of the two options that I see, or something totally different, and I feel nothing from Him. I don't know what to do.
Thank You and God Bless,
Dreading and Distrustful
Some background: A year after we began dating/courting, our relationship turned very serious. While we had stepped into the relationship with marriage in mind, we took our time to get to know each other. Once we hit that benchmark, our conversations turned extremely serious, and we both put forth our darkest skeletons. Unsurprisingly, they were very similar. I used to struggle with erotic fiction, while he had struggled with inappropriate contentography and erotic based stories. He said it had been years since he had viewed, but he was honest saying that the temptation was there sometimes.
When we had gone swimming with my siblings, my sisters and I wore modest bathing suits. He commented how beautiful it was, and I noted how he went out of his way not to even look at the other women there. I felt so sure and confident.
We got married and moved 1,000 miles away from my family because of his job. In fact, our honeymoon was spent driving my car from Florida to Texas. I struggled with being away from everyone that I knew, but despite this, I felt like the first 6 months was overall okay. Every day was absolutely wonderful with him, even if I did miss my family.
In June, we found out we were pregnant. It was completely unplanned and surprised us. Regretfully, our child went to be with the Lord at the end of the month. This took a toll on me, and we both grieved heavily.
Two or three months later, I opened our laptop and was surprised to see a very lewd video of naked women on the screen. At first, I assumed that it was a popup, not uncommon as we watch movies and tv series like Dowton Abbey on "other" sites. I exited out of it, and realized that we don't watch films on our laptop for that reason. It struck me odd, but I tried to forget it. When my husband fell asleep that night though, I searched the history on the laptop and found some interesting things. There had been searches from that machine for "star trek lesbians" which bothered me greatly as my husband is a HUGE trekkie and he had previously told me that watching women together was a "serious weakness that he did not indulge" during his bad years. The date for these searches were in June. There was also recent history that showed browsing on the website that I had seen earlier.
I didn't want to confront him about this at first. I wanted to collect my thoughts and approach it in a godly manner because I knew I would lose my temper otherwise (a flaw that is not triggered easily anymore). I climbed in bed and tried to snuggle close to him, but he woke up and immediately knew something was wrong. I kept my voice as calm as I could and told him that I knew, and it was something we could discuss together. He denied it all vehemently, crying in my arms and saying that it wasn't him. He stated something that I did know: the laptop was connected to his phone, which was connected to his office computer which other people used sometimes. Many are trekkies like him, it could have easily been someone else.
I wanted to believe him. My heart was aching as the last thing that I wanted to think was that my new husband was looking at inappropriate content after finding out that I was pregnant or after we lost our child, and so I forced myself to swallow that pill. I adjusted, but found that my usual drive to be intimate was lessened.
This past November, during our one year, we moved to a new apartment and I felt like it was a good, new start. Right before we traveled to Florida for Thanksgiving, I got a sick feeling in my stomach. I asked him if we could go over his phone history, and he protested for a moment before handing it over. We sat down and went through it together, as a team, talking and discussing and laughing as different things came up. Funny memes, interesting articles, science fiction, it was all there. However, my eye caught several things that didn't belong. An erotica fiction site was present, as well as other searches and links for inappropriate content. I scrolled past quickly, pretending that I hadn't seen it as my cheeks flushed. I don't know why I did that, I guess I just felt so comfortable that I didn't want the dream to end. We ended the session, and I handed his phone back over to him smiling.
He slipped to the restroom (not uncommon as he frequently has stomach problems), and I sat on our couch trying to mull things over in my head. He came back, and quickly picked up that something was wrong. I tried to brush it off again, but then he asked me if I had seen something on his phone. My look gave it away, and he knew.
Immediately he says he saw it too, and that it might be a virus. Tears began rolling, and he said that he understood if I didn't believe him. He said he was upset because it felt like he would forever be haunted by his past bad actions, and there was no logical way I should trust him in this situation, but he was telling the truth. He wouldn't hurt me like that, and he wouldn't hurt himself like that. I ask for us to look at it together again, to get to the root of the problem. Lo and behold, while he was using the restroom, he had purged his phone of viruses. He did let me take a look at it, and it was clearly obvious to me that all he did was clear his history. All of it. I was honest and told him it looked bad, and he agreed and broke down. I told him that at this point, I didn't even care if he was looking at inappropriate content or not. All I wanted from him was to be honest with me. All I wanted was honesty. He could do whatever he wanted after that. He still denied it, slumping over and crying.
I felt myself grow cold. I comforted him and held him, let him cry, and said I believed him. And honestly, a part of me did and still does. A part of me can never imagine him doing any of those things. He's always been far too good to me, every day he treats me so well. He's my best friend. He's always honest with me.
Despite this, I have made it a routine habit since then to periodically check his phone and computer without his knowledge. I know it probably isn't right, and unsurprisingly the mystery searches have stopped. He is being so careful, and yet there are some obvious clues. Despite being on his phone constantly, especially in the bathroom, everything lacks content. He still has the articles and memes and sci fi, but it is so sparse. You can see that there are things being deleted, but I have no idea what is. Why would he delete some content and not others? Sadly, I find now that I am no longer satisfied intimately by him at all because of this.
All this brings me to today. Last week, we began playing a very good and even modest MMO that is similar to Lord of the Rings. We're a team, and exclusively play with each other. Sadly, when he fell asleep early tonight, I found that on his phone he is looking up sexy armor pieces that show large breasted models in scantily clad armor pieces. I thought maybe he would be interested in crafting a set for my character, as we have discussed that in the past for a private roleplay. However, the other link that he looked at was for a video specifically titled as "Sexy Bikini Clad Woman from This Game".
I feel...sad. Disgusted a little, yes, but I think I have gotten to a point where I am at a crossroads. We have been married for 14 months, and they honestly have been wonderful. This is man that I still imagine growing old with. But I have two paths to choose: ignore everything and pretend its okay while never trusting him, or caring so much that it hurts. The latter choice involves me talking to him, and I don't know what to do if he still denies it. Divorce isn't an option, nor would I want it to be. I'm just not sure what direction to go, and God seems...quiet. I don't ever want my faith to be swayed, but I need a path to go, whether it is one of the two options that I see, or something totally different, and I feel nothing from Him. I don't know what to do.
Thank You and God Bless,
Dreading and Distrustful
