Husband refuses to see my family

[emstyle18]

My husband as of a year ago has been estranged from my family. Throughout our dating years and the first year of our marriage it was quite the opposite.. he would voluntarily go to their home and ask them to ours. Gradually, my family has worn him down (specifically my controlling mother and foolish younger brother).

Two Christmases ago my family decided to essentially "convict" my husband and showed him a video on foregiveness ON CHRISTMAS in front of everyone! It tore me apart to watch as my husband felt suddenly so humiliated and betrayed by a family he so hoped to be a part of. He was put on the spot, his intelligence and faith undermined and I can't blame him for feeling hurt. He feels that my family blames him for all the problems they have with my brother, their parenting, and so on. (He had tried to befriend my younger brother who essentially broke all trust and made a joke of my husband as well with his words and taunting behaviour.)

There is a lot more to this story but the point is that my husband (who never had much guidance in the way of family matters growing up) is hurt and feels betrayed by my family. As his wife and the person in the middle, what should I be doing? My mom constantly makes snide comments about my husband's priorities and values etc. . and I can't take it anymore! Please help.

 

[seashale76]

Your post indicates that it is mostly your family with the issues here. Your husband should not have to be subjected to people who are treating him so poorly. As his wife it is your job to support him. Tell your family that you and your husband are a united front and that you will not tolerate hearing anything snide or nasty about him. Encourage forgiveness between everyone, but do not expect that forgiveness means having to deal with each other more than necessary.

 

[emstyle18]

Thank you for the response Seashale. As far as my relationship with my mother though, how do I respond when she lays guilt on me for my husband not coming around? She will tell me that she "loves" my husband but that he's "bitter and insecure and he wasn't raised with the same values she was." (Mind you she wrote those exact words about him in an e-mail to HIS mom). ]

My mom, who is supposed to be a strong christian, doesn't seem to understand her role in this situation (though I have explained it on numerous occasions as has my husband to my father). In the meantime, I try to do right by her and show up even when my husband doesn't but it inevitably results in a dramatic showing of her grief. I just can't seem to win. On top of it all, my husband and I are planning to start a family soon and this strain has been putting it off.

 

[IreneAdler]

Tell her that if she feels that way (that she loves him) she should call him and apologize and beg forgiveness, not ask you to do anything or comment to you abot it. They are the offender, he is living with reasonable boundaries IMO.

 

[Lovely Lane]

Thank you for the response Seashale. As far as my relationship with my mother though, how do I respond when she lays guilt on me for my husband not coming around? She will tell me that she "loves" my husband but that he's "bitter and insecure and he wasn't raised with the same values she was." (Mind you she wrote those exact words about him in an e-mail to HIS mom). ]

My mom, who is supposed to be a strong christian, doesn't seem to understand her role in this situation (though I have explained it on numerous occasions as has my husband to my father). In the meantime, I try to do right by her and show up even when my husband doesn't but it inevitably results in a dramatic showing of her grief. I just can't seem to win. On top of it all, my husband and I are planning to start a family soon and this strain has been putting it off.

oh come on emstyle18, you know the answers. Stick with your husband and leave your parents, it's real simple. It seems to me that you too are part of the problem and not the solution in trying to make everyone happy. Get some grit and stand by your husband, case closed.

 

[Aileen]

Your relationship with your mother is your decision. How often you speak with her is for you to decide. She is your mother so I don´t think you should break off all contact with her. However when she starts to talk about your husband you should interrupt and tell her that subject is off bounds.

 

[Yitzchak]

Gen 2:24 Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife and they shall become one flesh.

My advice. Leave your father and mother and show your first loyalty to your husband. It is unfortunate but if your parents and your husband cannot get along, your first loyalty is to your husband. If there is to be reconciliation , then the burden should be upon your family to make peace with your husband. This is part of your marriage vow to honor your husband. It is dishonoring him to play both sides. Your side is with him.

Ecc 3:1 To all there is an appointed time, even a time for every purpose under the heavens:

Your family had their season in your life where they were first. The season has changed. They need to adjust to their new role in this new season.

 

[singpeace]

I would encourage you to stand by your husband. You are one with him, not with mom or bro or anyone else.

They should have come to you first and asked your thoughts and permission to show something like that to him. It was disrespectful, cruel, and not Christ-like.

He needs you to have his back right now. And because they are your family, you need to tell them they owe him an apology and to never assume to intervene like that again without first talking to you. Stick to your guns ... he is the victim here, it sounds like.

The other side of that coin is that if his family were to disrespect or hurt you, he has the right and responsibility to stand by you and defend you.

Be his hero and pray pray pray for the situation. God will bless you for standing by him.