Husband denies cheating but...

[LizaM]

I knew for a while almost a year something was up with my husband.

I met him a six years ago
and when we were engaged 5 years ago I saw that he was Facebooking his ex girlfriend asking her how she was doing and etc. I confronted him about it he said he deleted her from Facebook and stopped messaging her.
A few months later I just happened to have a gut feeling and looked at his phone and he was still messaging her this time not on Facebook but via his phone.
A few weeks after that I found out he was facebooking a friend that he used to like he told me to meet her at a bar.

He begged me for forgiveness he wanted to get married he apologized and stated that he was thinking of his ex girlfriend because her mother died and for his family friend he wanted to innocently catch up with her.

I did so many things for this guy, helped him get his first apartment, his first teaching job, learn to drive, first car, and etc.

I fell for the excuses forgave him got married and now have a 2 year old son.

This summer he told asked me what would I do if he cheated? That I couldn't blame him. Something along those lines, I was shocked.

Then 2 months ago we bought a luxury car I wanted to drive it he stated that it is his car it is in his name why do I want to drive it. (CRAZY, I am his wife and mother of his son).

Fast forward to Feb/March 2017, this man posted seriously innappropiate photos of one his classmates, he is pursuing his masters, at her birthday party. I was disturbed by the photos and asked him to take it down he did not immediately; but several hours later after I asked multiple times he did. I was alarmed

A few days after that I got access to his phone and saw all the pictures on his phone and a video of the same girl and it was focused on her chest. My heart dropped I realized that he really did have a sexual attraction to this person and probably had sex with her.

The NEXT day I went into his phone again and saw text messages to another woman this time his coworker. about 30-40 text messages a day, asking her what she wanted for breakfast, her favorite foods, that he had a dream about her, quoting scriptures, saying that he would pray for her.(Stuff he doesn't do for me). What really got me is that he told her that he had a dream about her that God stated her name 3 times.

I was and still am very upset I feel betrayed, we are in counseling he admitted that he wasn't sure if he wanted to be married since the summer time and that is when his coworker was first hired.

I don't trust him. I did alot for him, when I met him he was working part-time renting a room and I did everything for him becuase I loved him and now within 5 years he is a teacher, in masters program, went from renting a room to an apartment, and owning a house, knows how to drive and etc.

I am not the type to clean up a man and etc, but I fell in love with him and my gift is organization and etc. I thought I would spend the rest of my life with someone who was committed and loyal to me. When we were engaged he showed me that he wasn't but I fell for the apology. Now we are married and I clearly see that he most likely had sex and that he is a PHONY.

I am so conflicted I am a Christian and wanted to be married for life. Has anyone here forgiven their husband and/or significant other and they have changed and you lead a good life.

The lying and the phoniness scares me to death it is so scary and I feel like he has had sex with another person and I am so scared what my life has become.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I'd talk with him. Ask him why he feels the need to talk to other women. Ask is it because of a sex issue? A spending time together issue? Or if he really loved you at all since the start. You need to find out what the root of this problem is. Everything has a start somewhere.

Continue counseling and pray, pray and pray. Obviously I can't promote divorce but only God knows the future. I'd also remember as tough as this is, your child will be the most hurt in the end as they grow up confused about mom and dad.

 

[LizaM]

So what should I do. I asked him why did he marry me and he can't seem to provide a real answer it kills me I thought he had the mindset that he would be my best friend and love me forever

<Staff Edit>

 

[LizaM]

Thank you I tried prayer and bible reading in the past he has to take the initiative he won't I go to church and read the Bible he doesn't and stays home. I want it to be genuine and. Not phony. Please continue to pray for us


<Staff Edit>

 

[LizaM]

We have been doing that in counseling. I believe he is just attracted to other women and falls into it. Sex is not the issue. I don't believe he really loved me at all I think it perhaps it is because I helped him a lot. I don't want to divorce the scary thing is he lies a lot and won't tell the truth unless I have evidence so that scares me a whole lot

I'd talk with him. Ask him why he feels the need to talk to other women. Ask is it because of a sex issue? A spending time together issue? Or if he really loved you at all since the start. You need to find out what the root of this problem is. Everything has a start somewhere.

Continue counseling and pray, pray and pray. Obviously I can't promote divorce but only God knows the future. I'd also remember as tough as this is, your child will be the most hurt in the end as they grow up confused about mom and dad.

 

[Poppyseed78]

I'm sorry you're in this situation. You will never find out the truth unless he tells you, and it doesn't sound like that will happen. He has been talking to women inappropriately for the entire duration of your marriage. People don't change easily or quickly, and I wouldn't expect him to any time soon. You mentioned you are in counseling together. Has it helped at all? What reason did he give for talking to other women?

I see it like this: He married you because at the time you loved him and saw his potential, and you helped him achieve so much. Now that he is successful, with a good job and fancy car, he can easily get the attention of other women. It's flattering and boosts his ego. In contrast, you saw him at his worst. He should be grateful for all the help you gave him, but it seems that he has forgotten, and all he cares about now is his pride. Often flirting/sexting/cheating/what have you is not about sex, it's about getting attention. And it's not your fault. No matter what's going on within your marriage, he is making a choice to talk to other women. That is 100% inappropriate.

I would make it clear to him that for the marriage to continue, he has to stop with the inappropriate behaviors completely. His focus should be on you and his family. No excuses. I'm praying that your marriage is restored.

 

[Solomons Porch]

Hate hate hate to say this but you be the judge on "my thoughts and feelings" , ok?
It sounds like yes he is using you to his advantage.
Sounds like he is thinking of you in a "motherly" sorda way
He sounds very much not responsible and selfish
If (YOU) established the home you are sharing with him, then you tell (HIM) to get out
If you are paying the bills etc and its in your name, make him leave
Flip the switch on him
Because he's probably thinking you will leave and then he has once again, had his way
You may have spoiled him by giving him so much, take it back
Pull the rug out from under his feet and let him know, you are not going anywhere, he is
Take his blanky away and paci from him
Let him wear them big boy pants he wants to trot around in
But if you bought him them big boy pants, let him leave naked
I suppose what I am saying is.....PUT A STOP TO IT
Put your foot down, you have a child, and a life
Show him that you are not gonna take this anymore
Straighten up, or ship out
Put that game face on and handle it

I know i may be sounding very stern or to some ignorant, oh well
But once you let the devil know "he aint living in my home & as for me and my house we will serve the Lord"
He will have to make a big boy decision, BY HIMSELF

Of course this is gonna take a lot of prayer and strength on your part
But if God has plans for you to continue to be with him
Then let it go and give it to God
Trust HIM to make a way for you
Shutting the door , and opening another
If it is meant to be, it will be, stay in Christ always
Prayers for you sister

 

[LizaM]

Thank you he is leaving soon

Hate hate hate to say this but you be the judge on "my thoughts and feelings" , ok?
It sounds like yes he is using you to his advantage.
Sounds like he is thinking of you in a "motherly" sorda way
He sounds very much not responsible and selfish
If (YOU) established the home you are sharing with him, then you tell (HIM) to get out
If you are paying the bills etc and its in your name, make him leave
Flip the switch on him
Because he's probably thinking you will leave and then he has once again, had his way
You may have spoiled him by giving him so much, take it back
Pull the rug out from under his feet and let him know, you are not going anywhere, he is
Take his blanky away and paci from him
Let him wear them big boy pants he wants to trot around in
But if you bought him them big boy pants, let him leave naked
I suppose what I am saying is.....PUT A STOP TO IT
Put your foot down, you have a child, and a life
Show him that you are not gonna take this anymore
Straighten up, or ship out
Put that game face on and handle it

I know i may be sounding very stern or to some ignorant, oh well
But once you let the devil know "he aint living in my home & as for me and my house we will serve the Lord"
He will have to make a big boy decision, BY HIMSELF

Of course this is gonna take a lot of prayer and strength on your part
But if God has plans for you to continue to be with him
Then let it go and give it to God
Trust HIM to make a way for you
Shutting the door , and opening another
If it is meant to be, it will be, stay in Christ always
Prayers for you sister

 

[LizaM]

Thank you yes i fear he will not change I see he is crazy and immature

I'm sorry you're in this situation. You will never find out the truth unless he tells you, and it doesn't sound like that will happen. He has been talking to women inappropriately for the entire duration of your marriage. People don't change easily or quickly, and I wouldn't expect him to any time soon. You mentioned you are in counseling together. Has it helped at all? What reason did he give for talking to other women?

I see it like this: He married you because at the time you loved him and saw his potential, and you helped him achieve so much. Now that he is successful, with a good job and fancy car, he can easily get the attention of other women. It's flattering and boosts his ego. In contrast, you saw him at his worst. He should be grateful for all the help you gave him, but it seems that he has forgotten, and all he cares about now is his pride. Often flirting/sexting/cheating/what have you is not about sex, it's about getting attention. And it's not your fault. No matter what's going on within your marriage, he is making a choice to talk to other women. That is 100% inappropriate.

I would make it clear to him that for the marriage to continue, he has to stop with the inappropriate behaviors completely. His focus should be on you and his family. No excuses. I'm praying that your marriage is restored.

 

[Solomons Porch]

Thank you he is leaving soon

I am praying for you LizaM
You be strong in the Lord with all your might
And do not lean on your own understanding
God will provide and give you a peace in your heart
Heads up sweety Im praying

 

[Lulav]

This is the

Married Couples FORUM
Forum for Married members which is defined as a legal union between one man and one woman.

If you aren't Married according to the definition of CF
then you may NOT post here.
If your post was removed it is
because you are not.
​

 

[LizaM]

Thank you so much

I'm sorry you're in this situation. You will never find out the truth unless he tells you, and it doesn't sound like that will happen. He has been talking to women inappropriately for the entire duration of your marriage. People don't change easily or quickly, and I wouldn't expect him to any time soon. You mentioned you are in counseling together. Has it helped at all? What reason did he give for talking to other women?

I see it like this: He married you because at the time you loved him and saw his potential, and you helped him achieve so much. Now that he is successful, with a good job and fancy car, he can easily get the attention of other women. It's flattering and boosts his ego. In contrast, you saw him at his worst. He should be grateful for all the help you gave him, but it seems that he has forgotten, and all he cares about now is his pride. Often flirting/sexting/cheating/what have you is not about sex, it's about getting attention. And it's not your fault. No matter what's going on within your marriage, he is making a choice to talk to other women. That is 100% inappropriate.

I would make it clear to him that for the marriage to continue, he has to stop with the inappropriate behaviors completely. His focus should be on you and his family. No excuses. I'm praying that your marriage is restored.

 

[live4Christ2016]

So glad he is leaving. I'm sorry that he has done this to you and your son. He needs to grow up. Very very immature and selfish.

 

[jameseb]

I'm so sorry. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

 

[98cwitr]

He is reaching outside of the marriage trying to fill a void...find out what that void is.