Hurts so bad....

[Hears The Water]

Hi, Newbie here. I just burried my husband of 12 years yesterday. He died on Wednesday the 23 of March. He was not sick long. He had a headache on the 15th, and stayed home from work. On the 22, we took him to the ER and that night he had surgery to try and remove the blood clot in his brain. The next night they declared him brain dead and they un-hooked his life support. He passed peacefully at 11:10 pm. Since then I have very busy with all of the details and such. But now I am lost. I am having a hard time because part of me is not grieving hard. John and I where kind of "disconnected" for a long time. We loved each other but there was zero intamacy (physical or emotional) for three years or so. So part of this I think is that. I did and still do love him, but I guess I thought I would be freaking out or something.... or is that phase still coming? Before this all happend I was a chronic worrier, and I would think or "fantasize" about what would happen if John died. This feels like one of those things. Then I shake my head and I realize that he is dead. It realy feels like he is just at work and he will be home any second. But he won't. I feel guilty because I didn't make him go to the hospital when he first had the headache. And mad at him because he just blew it off. Then there are just moments when I am just blank. We have three children ages 14, 12, and 8. They where not crying at the funeral and other than them fighting a lot they aren't acting any different. Is this normal? My oldest dd refused to see him at the hospital or the funeral home and insists that she is fine and doesn't need grief counceling. It is all very frustrating. John was my rescuer in so many ways and he protected us from my violent and disfunctional family. Now I don't feel safe anymore. I just feel lost. Any and all advice would be welcomed. Thanks for letting me vent.
God bless you and yours
HearsTheWater

 

[peacechild4]

I will pray for you Hearsthewater,
I will say though... I am in a difficult marriage.. and I have daydreamed too about my husbands death because it has been so hard.. I no longer do this.. but things are still hard..

I just say to you.. keep close to the Lord.. closer then you have ever been in your life.. Let Him direct you and comfort you.. He must become your shelter now.. and He will never leave you... He is always with you.. I recieved a miracle of peace when our baby son died.. and I know there is peace like a river that can come which can hold us so close that nothing can worry us and even tears dry up when this peace comes..

Take one day at a time.. tell God at any point of your day about your fears... and leave them with Him.. Tell Him what you need and He will provide it.. It sounds like it was very difficult for you.. you are human.. we cannot be perfect when things are difficult..
God will help you and your children.. I will pray God directs you and I pray God filled people are placed in your path.. You are welcome to PM with me.. for prayer and friendship or encouragement..

Dear Father God I pray for Hearsthewater.. Lord she could so easily be me... How much she needs Your peace right now.. the peace that surpasses all understanding to guard her heart and mind through Christ Jesus.. Thank You that I can pray today.. go before her, beside her, behind her... and bring her people to share her burdens.. Take care of her and her children.. I ask this in Jesus name.. Amen

Love to you from Sharon

 

[perfection]

All this time you have been putting it under sheets, blankets and benches that you didn't love him anymore. You did have love for your husband , but it has been a unlit candle that was left in the drawer, probaby 3,5 years after you married him.But you don't have to act anymore now.God knows what lies in your heart,and you have been acting very distant against your husband because he was performing a kind of behaviour that you disliked. You have reflected this dislikement of him upon your children, and probably haven't said many good things about your husband to them, nor did your husband do very good things with your children.

It is reflected all over in your relationship with him, a dying flame of love. For you and as well for your children, it must not have been pleasant to been put up with him.

This is why you feel so distant, because you had no feelings for him, but loving memories. This is why neither you or your children cried on your their dads funeral.

This doesn't make you a bad person nor should you feel guilty, your not a doctor or specialist to determine what was litterly and figurally going on inside of his head.

But i do think that basically the only reason that you where still with him was because you enjoyed his protection, and not because you really loved him.

So when time progresses, you will still think often about him, but you have to realistic to yourself about what your true feelings where for this man. And that maby when time progresses you can find the organisation into your feelings into that puzzle, then shine a light on it, and complete it ,and view your feelings as wel as your kids feelings for what they truelly where.