hurt

Thekla · Aug 18, 2008

GreyWolf said:
Just letting you guys know I'm still here, fighting for my life.

thanks so much, GreyWolf !
can you call your p-doc for an emergency appointment ?

I'll be checking in here today - be in touch, please

GreyWolf · Aug 18, 2008

I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow. I will tell you how it goes.

Can I ask you a question?

Do you think I am a bad or selfish person for posting about my problems? I am troubling people. I feel kind of guilty for worrying people. And I feel a little ashamed of all the personal information I posted. I know, no one knows who I am,but still - it was really, really really hard to post what I did. It hurts just to think about, much less to write about.

I can't help but think I should've just quietly ended my life without dragging others into it. Or is that just the depression talking?

Thekla · Aug 18, 2008

GreyWolf said:
I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow. I will tell you how it goes.

Can I ask you a question?

Do you think I am a bad or selfish person for posting about my problems? I am troubling people. I feel kind of guilty for worrying people. And I feel a little ashamed of all the personal information I posted. I know, no one knows who I am,but still - it was really, really really hard to post what I did. It hurts just to think about, much less to write about.

I can't help but think I should've just quietly ended my life without dragging others into it. Or is that just the depression talking?

No, you're not selfish for posting you're problems/concerns. In fact, in my opinion, you are less selfish in your posts than all the rest of us, squabbling about difference of opinions ! Because most of what gets posted here on these (and other) boards is, ultimately, of little value. But a person is of value, you are valuable.

I'm sorry if going over your past experiences was painful for you -- I do hope that this distress will not be so acute for you.

And yes, I think its the condition talking, not you ! How many times does a diabetic have to tell their taste buds to "shut up", lol.

I do hope your appointment tomorrow goes well - please do tell your doc about your feelings of guilt as well. That may be important in finding appropriate meds. In my experience, finding the right med combo can take time -- are you on new meds for you, or still on some you've been taking for awhile ?

I'll be around here -- thank-you so much GreyWolf for keeping in touch ! I do so appreciate it !

Tenebrae · Aug 18, 2008

Praise God.

1 step at a time, one day at a time, and if thats too hard, cut it down to an hour at a time.

You can do it, I believe in you.

GreyWolf said:
Just letting you guys know I'm still here, fighting for my life.

forgiveable · Aug 18, 2008

How did the doctors appointment go?

GreyWolf · Aug 18, 2008

The doctors' appt is tomorrow. But I dont dare tell him everything. If I tell him what I did, he may put me in the hospital.

My parents are going on vacation in two weeks. With me, and half the things we are doing we are doing for me! I can't ruin that vacation, they will never forgive me.

Guys...you have been so kind. But I'm really not worth it. I'm not.

I don't know if I'm going to post anymore. I'm sorry to disappoint you. I'm really sorry.

Thekla · Aug 18, 2008

The last part of any job can seem the hardest - counting down the last hour of an eight hour shift can feel like an eternity. But its not. So look back and see how far you've come !

You know, if your parents planned the vacation to include you, you are most important to them. As a mom (our oldest son is 22), I'm learning that my children will always be a huge part of my life. They give my life meaning; a fullness that I never could have found without them.

Its not about a vacation, its about the next vacations, all the next vacations and phone chats, its about seeing in you how lovely life can be. Your existence, no matter how you feel about it, is a gift to your parents. And a gift to everyone who loves you.

Your holding on is your gift to them.

Mental illness sucks. That's reason enough to battle it. There's too much in this life that seems to take away value. This is one of them, and a hard one. But look how far you've come !

Keep going - and just tell the doc the best you can. Tell the doc about the guilt, the feeling of worthlessness ... they are not about you at all. I've seen these in my son. Its just the stupid disease. Don't let something stupid win !

Bamboo_Chicken · Aug 18, 2008

GreyWolf said:
I don't know, Thekla, its hard. I really feel that I am not worth saving. I love my friends and don't want to hurt them, but I keep thinking that I AM hurting them- by dragging things out, by burdening them. I feel that if I make a clean exit (suicide) they can do on with their lives. Like my parents- they support me, despite my age. It's because I have a mental illness. I want to set them free. I want to set my friends free.

Which is worse- to have a friend/loved one who is constantly taking, or to have to deal with that friend/loved one's death? At least with death, they can move on.

What do you think?

To be honest, if your friends feel they are burdened, they would have already left Hun . I lost a close friend to suicide almost 2 years ago now, and while it hurts less now, I will never forget her. For a long time I blamed myself for her suicide...surely I could have done something more and she'd still be alive. I wouldn't have lost her. She didn't set me free by leaving - she leff friends and loved ones (some of whom ended up committing suicide as a result. Others who relapsed into self-injury, eating disorders and/or alcohol abuse).

If my opinion counts, I'll always vote for 'have a friend' instead of 'lose a friend'.

I hope your doctor's appointment goes well tomorrow!

Thekla · Aug 18, 2008

you know, GreyWolf -

do you have access to a day hospitalization or step-down program in your area ? If you're worried the doc will hospitalize you, ask for a day-program instead ...
Insurance companies will often approve a day-program during a med change. That way, you'll have extra support.

GreyWolf · Aug 19, 2008

I'm really, really worried. A van service is supposed to take me to the drs appointment. I called last night and they said they'd get back to me and let me know when they were coming. Well, they still haven't gotten back to me. I keep calling but no one is picking up. I'm afriad I may not have a ride. I may miss my doctor's appointment, and if that happens I don't know what I'll do. I need to see him so bad! If I miss it, (and this is not my fault, I called the van yesterday morning and all day but they didn't pick up until the night) If I miss it, it could be over a month before I can see him.

God help me. I don't know what I'll do if I miss the appointment.

It may just be the last straw.

Thekla · Aug 19, 2008

GreyWolf --

call your Doc now, let them know what is going on -- and that you really need this appt.

keep calling the van service, too !

do you have enough money for a cab, or a neighbor who could take you ?

GreyWolf · Aug 19, 2008

Got to the doctor. See my thread here:

http://christianforums.com/showthread.php?t=7274863

Thekla · Aug 19, 2008

thank-you, GreyWolf !

and thanks for the link - I'll read over there ...

Thekla · Aug 19, 2008

thank-you, GreyWolf !

and thanks for the link - I'll read over there ...

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