Hurt, Confused, Tired

[Note]

I have been thinking on writing about this here on this site for a long time. After thirteen years, my wife want to divorce. She is completely set in her ways. Says God is giving her a peace about it. She thanks God that my words do not affect her anymore, and all I am trying to do is get her heart opened because she is filled with so much hatred and disgust. I know I made my mistakes. I have apologized countless times for making them, but she is done. She considers what she has been living in "domestic violence." I do not see it like that. My OCD/ADHD did not help be play my part in being a Christian man. I said the wrong things and acted the wrong way. I never hit my kids or wife, never cheated on her. Since February, she has been 800 miles with our three children, my precious jewels. It is killing me not seeing them, playing with them, praying over them. They do not always want to talk to me on the phone. I am killing myself, 60h a week at a teenage wage suck job since I was laid off in 2011. I can not afford gas to drive back and forth several states, as I am always struggling to pay rent. People say I should move into a place just for me, and the pets. Financially sounds right but it is emotional for me to pack up my kids' rooms. I toy with the idea of moving to Mass, but I need a job and a place to live. I also have to have storage. I got some family up there, but not only am I shamed for failing to keep my family together, but without a job, can not expect other people dealing with their own financial issues to support me and the dog and cat.
So many things are going in my mind. I am trying to let God take care of this battle for me, but I still have my emotions hitting me 24/7. I am stick to the stomach without my kids. I see a therapist (non-Christian) and physiologist. I feel hope in God that he can restore. However, she has a peace about leaving me. Which one of us is right? Is God giving us both hope? I want my family, she wants to rid of me and date other guys. I can not bare the thought of her talking to another guy. How can I live like that? Some other guy touching my wife, being with my kids, teaching them his values? It all makes me sick. She believes she is doing what God says and anything int he Bible that she disagrees with (like forgiveness and divorce) she ignores. This is the person going to teach the kids these values.
I got people at church praying for me but other than that, it is it. I am broke, sad, lonely, depressed, suffering. I want to protect myself, but I got no money. I want to be with my kids, but no job/dwellings to get me there along with no money to move.
I am trying to be faithful and strong, but 24/7 I am sick and suffering without my babies. Without my family. I know I failed. I failed many times. I know I worn her out. I have been crying and asking God for restoration for many months, a real job for two years. All I do is cry and pray, wake up everyday feeling sick and forcing myself to go to a job that gives me an oncoming anxiety attack everyday. Days off, I spend looking for a job in NC or MA, looking for a place just for me (in NC since I got a job here), trying to find a way to MA, and veg out due to emotional wear. I can not talk to her without getting emotional, while she is hard and does not care. Because I get emotional, she thinks I am talking outrageous without logic and does not see how tearing the family apart has affected me. I want to believe I got closer to God these past several months of this tribulation, but what is the point if she divorces me? What is the lesson I am to learn if I can torn from my babies for the rest of their lives? How am I going to teach them to obey God, to be good men and women of God, if I am separated?
Who is God talking to? We both can not be right, giving her a peace about divorce and a me a hope for restoration and her hear to be opened. She just wants me to be a good dad, yet she is keeping them from me by not moving back to NC. She has enrolled the kids in school in MA so now they are stuck there. I knew this would happen. I told her if she went to MA, she would end up staying for a long time. Been seven months now since I seen them. That long since I helped and hugged and kissed my kids.
I am tired and confused and so helpless and so missing my babies. I am so drained, I end up not doing anything that I may should be doing. I just have little to no help on anything that has to be done. The place I am stuck at is killing me. I get no phone access for personal use except for my lunch/dinner break. They give me “scheduled” bathroom breaks which I break, because I go when I go. I do not get to get any personal work done when there, from 8a-11p or later. Forty minute drive home each way. So, if I want at least 4h sleep each night, I have to just get ready for bed only to do it all the next bloody day.
I miss my wife and kids. I want my family back. I just can not believe God is going to let our enemy tear this family apart giving him a victory on destroying another Christian family. I just want to be forgiven and given the chance I believe I can succeed in with the proper tools God has given me to do it right once and for all.
People can throw at me all the hope and Bible verses there are, but when she gives me those papers, what is the point on all that praying for a restoration of this family?
I am just dead scared. I feel like the lives of my kids are forever ruined, and my life is forever destroyed and going to end up not being married anymore (like I would ever want to find a new wife).
I do not know what else to say. I am just really, really worn out, scared, and sad.

 

[TemekaRetana]

Just try winning her back. persuade her with the help of your family members.

 

[dayhiker]

note ... sorry your going thru what your going thru. It sure is hard.

Sounds like your wife is very hurt from your life together. That hurt is deeper and forgiveness wouldn't heal it is general my observation. Its takes love, compassion and mercy. She is not likely to be able to see past her hurt to see that in you.

I think you have got to he yourself healed. That means finding your help and life in Christ. As long as you as this desperate for her and she isn't doing to see your love for them. So I think you need to concentrate on healing yourself.

Plan on once a week calling and talking with your kids. Be interested in their life and how they are doing.

Hope this helps a little.

 

[bethrow]

Maybe instead of talking over the phone you could send her a letter? Write your feelings out in a letter. Pray before you write it so that the words come from God and not just from you. Send a letter to each of your children.
Unless your wife is from an abused home where there was emotional, physical, and mental abuse she should not be walking away from her marriage. Noone is perfect and we all get unhappy, but we do everything we can to stay in our marriages and make them work. Children need both parents.
Praying for you my friend....I'm sorry that you are having such a rough time right now.

 

[dayhiker]

Note .. how are you doing today? Any of these thoughts help?

 

[aussieangel]

It makes my heart so sad to hear what has happened to you and your family..Pray that God's will be done for you, your children and your wife.....God bless you...

 

[7spiritfilled]

Hi Note, Words are very hard to express and you are going through a hard, emotional and draining time. I used to be on a psych and health forum. As I read many posts I was amazed at all the emotional issues of mental and social disorders especially in the young. Seems Satan is having a field day attaching our minds. Splitting up families and causing havoc in our lives. God is greater though. He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world. One of my favorite verses in the Bible as being up lifting is Philippians 4:8. Please read this every day and dwell on it. Go to a Christian therapist. Many others are atheists and they will not be a value to you. You need to work on yourself before you can expect any good to come. You are at a cross road and you need to go down the right path. The narrow path. Things are very bleak right now but God hears you. You say you go to church. Try to get more involved in church. Many churches have programs to fit certain situations. You need to distract yourself right now. Let your wife have her space. I know it is hard about your children but for right now, take it as it comes and keep a relationship with them through the computer or Skype. When you talk to them, talk about them not yourself. This is hard on them also. Get into the word and study. Go to a Bible study class. Keep yourself focused on Him not yourself. Things will get better with time. I realize how hopeless it seems right now. Join as many church functions as you can. God bless, Kathy

 

[oscarsmom]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this difficult time. Have you talked to your pastor about what is going on? Or maybe thought of counseling to help you make sense of what is happening and how you are feeling?

Praying for God to provide you with His wisdom, peace and guidance!

 

[Note]

TemekaRetana...
I have tried many, any times. She is just fed up with me. Her family are not Christians, neither are mine. They all go by society.

Dayhiker...
I am definitely trying to heal and always trying to speak to my kids, but the schedule I have conflicts so when I try to call around 5p-7p, they are either too busy playing or do not want to talk.
Someone told me I should have her arrested for kidnapping. She has been gone since February. I asked her many times to bring them home, and she refuses unless she has her own place. That will take ages for her to save up. I do not want my kids in Mass., but I can not hire a lawyer. Also, I am not a jerk to call the police on her and I also would not want to do it in case that could push her away even more from opening her heart.

Bethrow...
I have done emails many, many times, opposed to sending an actual letter. Every time I pray before writing her something, she thinks it is all a lie and I am trying to manipulate her. She believes God is telling her the right way to do things now.
I send my kids things when I can, I do.
“Maybe instead of talking over the phone you could send her a letter? Write your feelings out in a letter. Pray before you write it so that the words come from God and not just from you.”
Dozens of times. She does not want to hear it.

Dayhiker...
“Note .. how are you doing today? Any of these thoughts help?”
Just another day of pain really. Sorry to say.

Aussieangel...
Thank you.

7Spiritfilled...
Thank you for your words.
I am on break from my involvement in church ministries. I can not emotional handle it right now.
I try and find out how they are doing in the church they are going up there, and in school, anytime I can get them on the phone. As for Skype, the video card in my laptop is not functioning correctly so it does not let Skype work.
As for the wife having space, I knew that if she went to Mass., she would be used to “single mother hood” and her heart would harden. It has.
I am reading my Bible when I can, but my schedule and lack of gas money makes it hard to attend anything at church (forty minute drive).
I am doing the best I can to focus on God and take care of myself, but it is very, very hard because of how hurt I am for having part in ruining this family.

Oscarsmom...
I talk to a couple of my pastors. I see a therapist (non-Christian), and physiologist for OCD/ADHD meds. I feel like, with the therapist, I am just spending money for someone to see me cry. She nice and all, but I cry daily as it is. Manly cries, am not a wuss.


I appreciate all your prayers. I know God is stronger than anything, but the freewill bit is giving her the chance to go with society. I just want one more chance to make this family strong and safe.

 

[dayhiker]

Note ... I really appreciate you coming back here to update us on how things are going with you.

I have no clue what will work for you as I'm so far emotionally, etc from who you are and what you are going thru. I think I'd start by looking for a way to thru your wife and kids over to God, let God carry all the responsibility for looking after them, providing for them. Then when you can email them, talk on the phone and then give them back to God.

 

[iolair]

Your wife feels that you were abusive and moved herself and your children hundreds of miles away from you. You need to accept the possibility that she was right, that you were abusive in your marriage.

Find a counsellor/program that deals with DV offenders and speak frankly with them. Be prepared to let go of EVERYTHING that is precious with you in order to drop your bad ideas and the barriers between you and God.

You stand little chance of sorting anything out - your relationships or yourself - while you're getting so little sleep. Move to a home with lower running costs and get a job that leaves you time to breathe (or, having reduced your costs, cut the hours on the one you have to no more than 40-45.) I used to work a regular 70-75 hour week and it wasn't good for me, my workplace or anyone around me.

Spend a regular quiet time when you're alert listening to yourself, your body, and to God.

 

[faithinmyself]

I don't have anything further to add that has already been said by others. I too, am so sad for you and so sorry you are going through this. But my one concern is why your wife is making it impossible for you to see your own kids. You both have equal rights to the children and not sure she is allowed to just take them states away. I would be getting a custody arrangement in place and fast. You have as much equal right to your children as she does. If it was you would decided to leave your wife and took your kids states away, she would have something to say about that. Not sure she is allowed legally to just move 800 miles away without some sort of legal arrangement. I would try one of those legal aid places that you can get legal info for a pretty low cost and see what your rights are. It is not very fair (no matter the situation) that you have not seen or hugged your children in 7 months. You are their father. That is just my thinking process anyhow.