Hubby won't help

[ChristianMama84]

I'm a SAHM, I'm taking online classes, and when I find time I clean up the house. Now that my son is mobile it doesn't get cleaned every day the way hubby would like. So now I hear, "I worked 60 hours this week. What did you do?" Or if I ask for help I get, "I worked 60 hours, I shouldn't have to change Remy". He changed 1 diaper last week and made a big deal about it. I'm soo fed up with him, I just want to leave. Unfortunately, since I don't work I don't see the court giving me custody of my son, especially since I don't have anyone here to help me with him. Sometimes I think it'd be worth it to just let him have custody of Remy so he can see what it takes to be a parent. The only thing that might work to my benefit is that my mom and his parents have heard him cuss at the baby for crying.

This is more of a vent, but I'll gladly take advice.

 

[JulySheMustFly]

It gave my husband a really good idea of what I do all day everyday when I went on a weekend trip with the girlfriends. That isn't possible for everyone so what about writing down every little thing you do through out the day and the time that you did it. My husband was starting to understand that I could have the entire house spotless clean at 2pm and when he got home at 6 it wouldn't look like it but that didn't mean I didn't do it. Know what I mean? It can be hard because what we do all day everyday often doesn't have a visible, tangible result right now.

 

[heart of peace]

to you for having to deal with a difficult situation. Maybe you can get a mother's helper in your area now that summer is coming up?

(my beliefs on this may be in the minority) I believe the parent who stays home is responsible for all the duties of the home (when the home parent is not working). However, I consider work in the home to be real work and that would mean that the work out the home parent should contribute a bit in those cases depending on the nature of the work. For example, I believe that since my husband works a manual labor job and does an excessive amount of hours of work (nearly 12 hour shifts 5 days a week), he should not have to come home and handle the duties of the home but he should not complain about the state of the home either if I had to work that day myself (since I work from home). I also grant myself permission to have days where the house is messy if I have to work because without me working from home and allowing my home to be a little messy, the other option would be me working out the home (granted my home would be less messy and the duties would be divided, my son would be in daycare, which is not an option).

 

[WarEagle]

I'm a SAHM, I'm taking online classes, and when I find time I clean up the house. Now that my son is mobile it doesn't get cleaned every day the way hubby would like. So now I hear, "I worked 60 hours this week. What did you do?" Or if I ask for help I get, "I worked 60 hours, I shouldn't have to change Remy". He changed 1 diaper last week and made a big deal about it. I'm soo fed up with him, I just want to leave. Unfortunately, since I don't work I don't see the court giving me custody of my son, especially since I don't have anyone here to help me with him. Sometimes I think it'd be worth it to just let him have custody of Remy so he can see what it takes to be a parent. The only thing that might work to my benefit is that my mom and his parents have heard him cuss at the baby for crying.

This is more of a vent, but I'll gladly take advice.

That's when you say, "Honey, I'm proud of you for working sixty hours a week at work, but now you're at home and it's time to be a father to your children."

 

[Sign Of The Fish Burger]

That's when you say, "Honey, I'm proud of you for working sixty hours a week at work, but now you're at home and it's time to be a father to your children."

 

[Menuet]

Is he not the understanding type? Is he stressed because honey you need help and now. I believe you are working AS hard as he is. Sit him down,tell him a parent's job is one of the most demanding but rewarding and you could use a break. I am praying this father gets a clue.Today.

 

[heart of peace]

Menuet, how can you make such a judgment based on one post from one person in this situation?

 

[cristianna]

I've done both working from home, no work from home- just a sahm and working both part-time and full-time outside of the home.

It's never easy no matter which situation you are in. I'm also in outside of the norm and view my duties of keeping the house organized and clean as a top priority if I'm not working outside of the house. IMO if my dh is giving his all to support the family financially, I can return the favor and give my all to meet the needs of the home. This even includes being the primary one to maintain all aspects of the lawn.

It is just sooo hard no matter how you look at it. But a compromise and respect must still be maintained.

Because he is the head of the household, ask for his ideas. Genuinely listen to them and give his way an honest effort. Then if nothing else, he can at least say you tried his way too. Or maybe the both of you can hash out different ways to tackle the home. It could be something as simple as not cleaning or tidying first thing in the morning. Because as another poster listed, in five minutes little ones can destroy hours of work. lol Oh so very true.

Keep your chin up! You're doing great.

 

[-~Truth_N_Trust~-]

aww AS :hugs:, you sound very frustrated. I hope the vent helped a little.

I really think that you and your DH need to talk about this, maybe when Remy is asleep and you're both a bit relaxed! I would tell him that 1. You love him, 2. you're thankfull and proud of how hard he works to provide for the family, 3. You want him to be happy when he comes home, 4. you need him to understand that you're feeling X (stressed?), Y (frustrated?) & Z (unappreciated?), 5. What is the most important thing to him - clean housewise - so that he can be relaxed when he gets home, 6. There is one thing that he could do to help you relax aswell so you can enjoy some adult time together which is A (whatever you choose).

This kind of thing worked well for us, we established what the main thing my DH needs when he comes home - because some days with two kids the house just doesn't get cleaned properly! - which is a tidy lounge area (first thing he see's when he walks in the door) and dishes done. If they aren't done, he feels like he's walking into chaos (when he wants to be walking into a calm loving safe atmosphere) and that is very stressful for him - which means he stress' me out!

 

[Called2Grace]

I am a SAHM who also studies fulltime, and I work casually - well I haven't worked for a couple of months though so I'm pretty much at home most days - I'm not actively contributing to bringing in money at the moment.

For my DH and I, the first 18 months after DD was born was the hardest. We had a constantly evolving little person that we had to adjust to and also having to adjust to our new roles as parents, I also went back to work fulltime by 12 months. And it was really HARD.

I believe as a sahm that the house is my responsibility and so is the primary care of DD. I'm not saying that it is an easy job by all means, and there was a lot of contention as DH didn't feel appreciated. I had to actually think about where he was coming from to understand and help us move forward.

For my DH, coming home to a reletively clean house with dinner started, helps him to relax. I want my home to be a sanctuary for all the family. By doing this, it helps to show him that I appreciate what he does, he works hard all day so that I can be at home with DD, and I can also go to school and finish my degree.

My house is not the cleanest house. There is washing piled up, toys and stuff everywhere, but I am working towards making it better, and he can see the difference when he gets home.

I think that it is important that your husband spend some quality time with your son too, but maybe he would be more willing if you asked him to do something that he see's as "fun". I guess I can sort of understand that if he works a lot, the last thing he would want to do is change a nappy, yes I know that you have to do it too, but you also get to spend all day with him doing other fun stuff too.

Maybe they could sit and read together, or he could take a bath with him? Or just muck around as boys do.

One of the biggest problems that I found for me was that neither one of us felt that other appreciated the other person. And I had to be the bigger person and take that first step. I had to be the one to make the effort to show DH that I did really appreciate what he did for us as a family. What they do is important. (What we do is equally as important, but sometimes I think that we forget that what they do is just as important. We are a team)

I also had to give DH space when he got home from work. He needed about 20mins to just seperate himself from work. He would sit on the computer, or listen to music or whatever, then he would come out when he was ready and that is when I would talk to him, as I found myself talking "at" him as soon as he walked through the door. My need to have an adult conversation was the driving force

I was ready to leave DH during this time as well. So I do understand where you are coming from. And what helped for me, may not work for you, and the underlying problem for me may not be the same as for you.

But if you want your marriage to succeed then you need to sit down and work out what the underlying issue is.

He probably feels just as overworked and under appreciated as you do. You both work hard, you just need to find where you both fit now, as your roles as parents are different to what they were before you had your son. (I'm assuming he is your first and only child?)

I try to aim to have the lounge and kitchen in some sort of order before DH gets home, and it makes me feel better too, having some area of the house that is tidy. Try to get your son involved, make it a game. Do you have a toy box that he can put his toys in? Have a race to see who can put the toys in first.

Talk with your DH, tell him that it is important for you and your son that he spends time with him, and ask him what he wants to do with him? I had to learn to get out of the way when DD and DH spent time together, having me hover in the background correcting and waiting to swoop in and take over was really not helpful to DH!

Does your son still nap? Could you take some time when he naps to just give yourself a break? It sounds like you are both stressed, and tired.

Can you go outside? What if when you do get the place tidy that you take your son out of the house? For a walk or a play in the garden.

Sorry! I know this is really long, and I don't want to come accross as a "know it all" It is hard. And I never though DH and I would make it, honestly. But we did. And it wasn't one of those things that one heart to heart solved. We had many, many discussions about it. Many, many arguments about it. But eventually we got there.
Chances are that you would get primary custody as I think the tend to like the "status quo" in regards to who has been the primary carer of the child, (But I am not a lawyer!) but do you think that is really what is best for you and your son? (not just your son, but you too!) You fell in love with your husband, and he you. It is still there!

I always tell me hubby that men are easy, a tidy house, dinner on the table and a bit of action every now and then and they will be eating out the palm of your hand.

And I think we all tend to be more giving when we are feeling that our needs are being met.

Anyway I hope that somewhere in there you may be able to find something that is helpful. And if I am totally off base, I'm sorry. I wish I could give you a big hug. No-one really tells you how hard it can be to make the transition. Especially when you are both feeling overworked, underappreciated, and tired.

Please let me know what happens, if you want to, my PM box is always open.

 

[Neenie1]

to you for having to deal with a difficult situation. Maybe you can get a mother's helper in your area now that summer is coming up?

(my beliefs on this may be in the minority) I believe the parent who stays home is responsible for all the duties of the home (when the home parent is not working). However, I consider work in the home to be real work and that would mean that the work out the home parent should contribute a bit in those cases depending on the nature of the work. For example, I believe that since my husband works a manual labor job and does an excessive amount of hours of work (nearly 12 hour shifts 5 days a week), he should not have to come home and handle the duties of the home but he should not complain about the state of the home either if I had to work that day myself (since I work from home). I also grant myself permission to have days where the house is messy if I have to work because without me working from home and allowing my home to be a little messy, the other option would be me working out the home (granted my home would be less messy and the duties would be divided, my son would be in daycare, which is not an option).

You know I really agree with this.

Our home routine goes something like this.

Basically I do around 95% of the household chores, I try to get them done during the day. I am lucky in that my dh doesn't really complain about a messy house. In fact he is a bit of a messy type person himself (however it should be said I think there is a difference between untidy and "dirty". I think things are kept to a reasonable standard of hygiene, but no-one really minds about dirty clothes or toys on the floor sometimes)

However I do ask that dh spends some time with the kids each day. He really wants to do that, and it has become his job to put dd to bed at night, and also to sit and spend some time with ds. He was home yesterday and even took the kids out in the afternoon which was wonderful.

So dh doesn't really do housework and I am OK with that, but I do ask that he spends time with the kids for everyone's benefit.

 

[ChristianMama84]

That's when you say, "Honey, I'm proud of you for working sixty hours a week at work, but now you're at home and it's time to be a father to your children."

lol I think that would cause a larger argument, but that's what I often feel like saying to him.

Is he not the understanding type? Is he stressed because honey you need help and now. I believe you are working AS hard as he is. Sit him down,tell him a parent's job is one of the most demanding but rewarding and you could use a break. I am praying this father gets a clue.Today.

Thank you. This has always been an issue because his mom cleaned 6 days a week for 3-4 hours a day, I've watched her. I told him from the beginning that I hate housework and I'll do it once a week, dishes and laundry being the exception.

Because he is the head of the household, ask for his ideas. Genuinely listen to them and give his way an honest effort. Then if nothing else, he can at least say you tried his way too. Or maybe the both of you can hash out different ways to tackle the home. It could be something as simple as not cleaning or tidying first thing in the morning. Because as another poster listed, in five minutes little ones can destroy hours of work. lol Oh so very true.

This sounds good.

aww AS :hugs:, you sound very frustrated. I hope the vent helped a little.

I really think that you and your DH need to talk about this, maybe when Remy is asleep and you're both a bit relaxed! I would tell him that 1. You love him, 2. you're thankfull and proud of how hard he works to provide for the family, 3. You want him to be happy when he comes home, 4. you need him to understand that you're feeling X (stressed?), Y (frustrated?) & Z (unappreciated?), 5. What is the most important thing to him - clean housewise - so that he can be relaxed when he gets home, 6. There is one thing that he could do to help you relax aswell so you can enjoy some adult time together which is A (whatever you choose).

This kind of thing worked well for us, we established what the main thing my DH needs when he comes home - because some days with two kids the house just doesn't get cleaned properly! - which is a tidy lounge area (first thing he see's when he walks in the door) and dishes done. If they aren't done, he feels like he's walking into chaos (when he wants to be walking into a calm loving safe atmosphere) and that is very stressful for him - which means he stress' me out!

This makes a lot of sense, too.

Called2Grace, yours was very long, so I didn't quote it. How do you find time to care for your DD and clean? I find I can do one or the other, but not both. Remy gets upset if I leave the room to go do something, even if it's only for a couple of minutes.

 

[heart of peace]

Is it not possible to incorporate your child in the cleaning on any level? Give her a child sized broom and allow her to 'sweep up', give her a rag and let her 'dust' the furniture, give her a paper towel to 'clean the window', et cetera. Believe it or not, children actually enjoy helping out in these types of activities. They like to feel included and they enjoy learning about their world in this manner. Maybe she can have her own set of 'cleaning activities' - gathering all the items on the floor and tossing it into a basket or using a child sized toy vacuum to help mommy vacuum the carpet. Turn the music on and make it a fun time where you clean a little, dance a little and laugh a little.

Regarding menuet's comments, I thought saying your husband 'didn't have a clue' was a bit harsh given that he is working 60 hrs a week for your family, but who am I to take issue with a comment that you yourself are not.

Menuet, I retract my question to you.

 

[bliz]

I believe that fathers, like mothers, should be full participants in family life and in the lives of their children. In he long run, this makes for the best relationships - parents/child and parent/parent.

 

[Neenie1]

Is it not possible to incorporate your child in the cleaning on any level? Give her a child sized broom and allow her to 'sweep up', give her a rag and let her 'dust' the furniture, give her a paper towel to 'clean the window', et cetera. Believe it or not, children actually enjoy helping out in these types of activities. They like to feel included and they enjoy learning about their world in this manner. Maybe she can have her own set of 'cleaning activities' - gathering all the items on the floor and tossing it into a basket or using a child sized toy vacuum to help mommy vacuum the carpet. Turn the music on and make it a fun time where you clean a little, dance a little and laugh a little.

I did this with dd. it's amazing now that she's a little older (3 on 30th June) that she can understand basic instructions and do them. (such as put your shoes in your bedroom please - that kind of thing) I told her this morning that as soon as the lounge room was tidy we would play lego (by untidy it was pretty trashed, stuff ALLLLLLL over the floor ROFL) but she got in there, and helped pick up stuff that didn't even belong to her, I thought that was only fair since ds has been helping pick up after her for nearly 3 years now.

 

[JulySheMustFly]

How do you find time to care for your DD and clean? I find I can do one or the other, but not both. Remy gets upset if I leave the room to go do something, even if it's only for a couple of minutes.

Let him help. Ok, it may not really seem like help but he won't feel left out then when you have other duties to see to. Pirate's been cleaning sine he could crawl. He tidies his toys, puts his laundry in the hamper, puts laundry in the washer and dryer, empties the plastic out of the dishwasher, cleans the windows, sweeps the floor (not with much success but he does it). I'm sure I've missed something. Also if your place isn't set up that he can participate like that look into reworking things a bit so he can. We also tend to make chores a bit of a game. His fave is laundry basketball and toy relay race.

 

[ChristianMama84]

Let him help. Ok, it may not really seem like help but he won't feel left out then when you have other duties to see to. Pirate's been cleaning sine he could crawl. He tidies his toys, puts his laundry in the hamper, puts laundry in the washer and dryer, empties the plastic out of the dishwasher, cleans the windows, sweeps the floor (not with much success but he does it). I'm sure I've missed something. Also if your place isn't set up that he can participate like that look into reworking things a bit so he can. We also tend to make chores a bit of a game. His fave is laundry basketball and toy relay race.

See, Remy isn't walking just yet, he's really just started getting up on his kneels to crawl. So I'm not sure how he could help. Also this place is a dump so he can't go in the kitchen or the bathroom and his room is our room since his room is being used for storage. We're fixing to move out next week sometime, into a retrofitted shed. I guess that's part of our problem, I resent my hubby working 60 hours and we can't even have a decent place to live.

 

[WarEagle]

AlabamaSlamma;47033972]lol I think that would cause a larger argument, but that's what I often feel like saying to him.

[/COLOR]

On the one hand, yes, you've got to submit to him but, at the same time, he's got an obligation to fulfil certain duties as a father and husband.

If he's not doing that and he's not listening to you, then, by all means, call your pastor and get him to talk to your husband about it.

 

[JulySheMustFly]

See, Remy isn't walking just yet, he's really just started getting up on his kneels to crawl. So I'm not sure how he could help. Also this place is a dump so he can't go in the kitchen or the bathroom and his room is our room since his room is being used for storage. We're fixing to move out next week sometime, into a retrofitted shed. I guess that's part of our problem, I resent my hubby working 60 hours and we can't even have a decent place to live.

I understand better now. I'm sorry. I would be very frustrated if my children could not have safe roam of our home. I also thought he was a year old already but I think I got Remy confused with someone else' little guy.

Do you sling or babywear? That helped me when my babes were non-walkers. I don't know just throwing out ideas that hopefully will make your situation easier for you.

I can understand your frustration with 60 hours a week if you've major projects to finish at home.

 

[Redstiletto]

I'm a SAHM, I'm taking online classes, and when I find time I clean up the house. Now that my son is mobile it doesn't get cleaned every day the way hubby would like. So now I hear, "I worked 60 hours this week. What did you do?" Or if I ask for help I get, "I worked 60 hours, I shouldn't have to change Remy". He changed 1 diaper last week and made a big deal about it. I'm soo fed up with him, I just want to leave. Unfortunately, since I don't work I don't see the court giving me custody of my son, especially since I don't have anyone here to help me with him. Sometimes I think it'd be worth it to just let him have custody of Remy so he can see what it takes to be a parent. The only thing that might work to my benefit is that my mom and his parents have heard him cuss at the baby for crying.

This is more of a vent, but I'll gladly take advice.

Are we married to the same man???

I go through the same thing!!! Except then he claims he does all my work too. :grumble:

Although I think he is just teasing and sometimes just frustrated that he doesnt come home to dinner on the table and the house clean (although I have been doing real good since I got a mei tai and can just put lucas on my back while I work)

I am sorry your husband is a crabby old man like mine!