- Jan 7, 2005
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Things to do once you get your deployment notice for a smooth transition:
1.Sleep on a cot in the garage.
2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.
3.Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girl friend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong cot."
4.Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor.
5.When you take showers wear flip-flops and keep the light off.
6.Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair
and dump dirt on your head.
7.Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to "High."
(for that tactical generator smell)
8.Don't watch TV except movies in the middle of the night. Have your
family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.
9. Leave lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper
noise level.
10.Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
11.Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure
the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at
him when he curses you.
12.Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage
in the other side of your bathtub.
13.Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly
sandwich on a saltine cracker.
14.Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your
food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an
unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.
15.Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When
it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can.
Pretend there is no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking
out the garden hose.
16.Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put
them back together.
17.Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking.
18.Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because they have
strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months.
Exchange clothes with them.
19.Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table
and lie under it to read books.
20.Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills on your front and back
doors to that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the
sill every time you pass though one of them.
21.Keep a roll of toilet paper on your nightstand and bring it to the
bathroom with you. And bring your gun and a flashlight.
22.Go to the bathroom when you just have gas "just in case". Every time.
23.Announce to your family they have mail, have them report to you as
you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say, "Sorry,
it's for the other Smith."
24. Wash only 15 items of laundry this week. Roll up the semi-wet clean
clothes in a ball, place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the
garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or
removing the mildew proudly wear them to professional meetings and
family gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell like.
Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week.
25. Go to the worst crime-infested place near you, go heavily armed,
wearing a flak jacket and Kevlar helmet, set up shop in a tent in a
vacant lot. Announce to the residents you are there to help them.
26.Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it's for malaria.
27.Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week for a
morale call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.
28.Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper
ambiance.
29.Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and
fragmentation.
30.While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each culvert and
inspect the culvert for remotely detonated explosives before crossing.
31.Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 0300.
When startled neighbors appear, tell them its all ok, you are just
registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable substitute for their
broken windows.
32.Drink your milk and sodas warm.
33.When people put their hand on your shoulder and say, "Welcome back
from Afghanistan. Was the fighting bad over there?" reply by pointing at them
and yelling, "Bad touch!"
34.Make your children clear their Super Soakers before entering the
house.
35.Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in
the back yard. Complain that the 4x4s are not 8 inches on center and
make them rebuild it.
36.Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy an M-Gator.
37.When your 5 year old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact
stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the webpage.
Type up a PR&C and staple the webpage to the back. Submit the paperwork to
Your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum.
38.Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for disease and
shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you made in your neighbors back yard.
39.Play horse shoes when you are not working.
40.When you PCS, leave your family car for the relieving family.
1.Sleep on a cot in the garage.
2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.
3.Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girl friend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong cot."
4.Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor.
5.When you take showers wear flip-flops and keep the light off.
6.Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair
and dump dirt on your head.
7.Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to "High."
(for that tactical generator smell)
8.Don't watch TV except movies in the middle of the night. Have your
family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.
9. Leave lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper
noise level.
10.Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
11.Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure
the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at
him when he curses you.
12.Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage
in the other side of your bathtub.
13.Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly
sandwich on a saltine cracker.
14.Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your
food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an
unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.
15.Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When
it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can.
Pretend there is no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking
out the garden hose.
16.Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put
them back together.
17.Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking.
18.Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because they have
strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months.
Exchange clothes with them.
19.Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table
and lie under it to read books.
20.Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills on your front and back
doors to that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the
sill every time you pass though one of them.
21.Keep a roll of toilet paper on your nightstand and bring it to the
bathroom with you. And bring your gun and a flashlight.
22.Go to the bathroom when you just have gas "just in case". Every time.
23.Announce to your family they have mail, have them report to you as
you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say, "Sorry,
it's for the other Smith."
24. Wash only 15 items of laundry this week. Roll up the semi-wet clean
clothes in a ball, place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the
garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or
removing the mildew proudly wear them to professional meetings and
family gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell like.
Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week.
25. Go to the worst crime-infested place near you, go heavily armed,
wearing a flak jacket and Kevlar helmet, set up shop in a tent in a
vacant lot. Announce to the residents you are there to help them.
26.Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it's for malaria.
27.Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week for a
morale call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.
28.Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper
ambiance.
29.Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and
fragmentation.
30.While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each culvert and
inspect the culvert for remotely detonated explosives before crossing.
31.Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 0300.
When startled neighbors appear, tell them its all ok, you are just
registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable substitute for their
broken windows.
32.Drink your milk and sodas warm.
33.When people put their hand on your shoulder and say, "Welcome back
from Afghanistan. Was the fighting bad over there?" reply by pointing at them
and yelling, "Bad touch!"
34.Make your children clear their Super Soakers before entering the
house.
35.Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in
the back yard. Complain that the 4x4s are not 8 inches on center and
make them rebuild it.
36.Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy an M-Gator.
37.When your 5 year old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact
stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the webpage.
Type up a PR&C and staple the webpage to the back. Submit the paperwork to
Your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum.
38.Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for disease and
shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you made in your neighbors back yard.
39.Play horse shoes when you are not working.
40.When you PCS, leave your family car for the relieving family.
