How to overcome self-absorption

[sharon20]

Hello,

I am new to this forum, but it looks like a nice place. I have a question about how to overcome self-absorption. Someone told me recently that I am too self-absorbed. All I can think about is myself and how I need to improve myself, yet I can't seem to stick with anything. I haven't stuck with exercise, I move from studying one language to another without learning anything, I plan to start reading the Bible again and don't, I check out a lot of library books that I don't read. I also think a lot about how I look, which is not good. I know that volunteering should help, but I can't decide what to do, and I think that people dislike me when they meet me and that they wouldn't want me around even as a volunteer. I'm really tired of thinking about myself, yet I can't seem to focus on anything else. I'd like to not think about myself at all and focus on others. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Thank you very much,

Sharon

 

[goodgirl]

well, do you really think you're self absorbed? Maybe you just need work, like the rest of us.

What do you think is irritating about you?

Perhaps fixing it is just a matter of ID'ing what you don't like about yourself and working on it (notice I don't say 'changing it' -- it doesn't happen that fast!). As for not volunteering bc you think you need to change first, I wonder if volunteering wouldn't improve you in some of the ways you think you should improve. But OTOH, flailing usually doesn't help things. Try to ID the best ways to improve yourself and then take them on circumspectly.

 

[sharon20]

Thanks for your reply!

Actually, I have a full-time job and 2 part-time jobs, so I am pretty busy, I just feel I'm too self-absorbed in my "free time".

I guess I think I'm irritating mostly because I'm self-absorbed! But also, I think people dislike me because I'm shy and unattractive. I feel they automatically give someone more attractive the "benefit of the doubt" that they are a worthwhile person, while I have to "prove" myself. I try to smile a lot when I meet people, even if I don't say much, but I think they just want to get away from me.

Thank you very much for taking the time to reply!

Sharon

 

[goodgirl]

well, you're right that attractive people are given the benefit of the doubt more... my p.o.v. on that is 1) so be as attractive as you can and 2) take advantage of any other advantages you have.

As for being shy, I am too so I just try to keep in mind that shyness is really selfishness in disguise... making the world revolve around me instead of others. I force myself in small ways to overcome it, but try not to ask the impossible of myself. For instance I don't really like meeting lots of new ppl at once without at least one "friend" around. So I just don't! But when I do meet ppl I force myself to ask at least five questions about people and respond to their responses. It really works!

Finally, if you have all that work I doubt you're self-absorbed so much as self-neglected! You deserve some time to yourself, why NOT take some?

 

[sharon20]

Thanks again for your help.

You made some good points about shyness. I work at home on the computer, so am pretty isolated, so that probably doesn't help.

Well, better get to work. Thanks!

Sharon

 

[pmarquette]

I make little Jesus cards [ cartoon , downloaded from the net and a bible verse ] ; look for some one who is down in the dumps , pick a card and give it to them , that their day might change , for some one cared enough to notice them .

It is intimidating .... reaching out , talking to strangers , meeting new people , doing what is uncomfortable .... Most of it costs us very litte : a kind word , please & thank you , a smile , a compliment , a affirmation , a hug , a hand shake ....

everything within the book is sowing and reaping [ galtians 6.7 ; Luke 11.9 , 6.38 ; 2 cor 9.6-8 ] what do you need ? give that away ... sow some bread on the waters ... that in due season , you might reap ....

or look at what is written about you and strangers ; you and sinners in Ezekiel 3.18-24 would you rather speak to a stranger or give account to God for not doing so ?

 

[Salsa_1960]

Oh wow! You and I should PM each other. I have a real battle with this one but I'm am fighting it-- one day at a time. I'm actually posting about it on another forum.


"Self-absorption" and "pity-pot-itis" are the terms that I've been using.

~Sandy

Here's the link:
http://neuro-mancer.mgh.harvard.edu/ubb/Forum108/HTML/006088.html

PS. Check out a post I'm going to make in a few minutes that touches on this. The post is notes that I took. They weren't my ideas but boy did they convict me. It will be called "10 Things to Keep Joy in Your Life."

 

[sharon20]

Thank you all for your replies.

Pmarquette, that is very nice how you send cards to others. I will try to focus on what others might be going through or need.

Sandy, I really enjoyed your "10 Things to Keep Joy in Your Life." It's a lot to work on! I am going to print it out and keep referring to it.

Thanks again!

Sharon

 

[Apollonian]

I have a similar issue that I have been working through, though slightly different in my head. I mostly think of it as a mild form of 'solipsism' (if you care to read about the philosophy, here is the link-it's a bit heady and may not necessarily be relevant) http://www.iep.utm.edu/s/solipsis.htm

Basically, I became so existential (existing for the moment) that I became reactive instead of proactive. Previously, I've found quite a bit of good advice from a fellow by the name of Stephen Covey and his series The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. The primary piece of advice that applies here is this, as Covey says:

"Will you get out of bed when you say you will?" Choose a time to get out of bed in the morning, and then get up - don't sleep in or hit the snooze. If you can do that, and keep that promise to yourself, then you can start to keep more promises. Start with small goals and build your confidence in yourself to be proactive.

Also, this will eventually build enough confidence where the hope is that you will respond to events in ways which embrace higher principles, like honor and responsibility, instead of bending to mood.

I wish you luck. Godspeed.
-Apollonian
20/M INTJ