how to overcome jealousy and trust issues in marriage

JesusIsTheKing101 · Mar 26, 2012

My wife is a very great women I treat her special with love and care, but theres a side of me that's jealous and has trust issues because my heart has been abused and betrayed in the past...she won't cheat on me, but I hurt her this one time when I said i didn't trust her...we talk it out and worked it out..I have a problem because guys flirt with her...shes very attractive, expecially this one guy who does it and knows we married...it doesn't help with my trust issue because she doesn't tell him to back off or anything...I have to tell her to do so, and she told me when he flirts she smiles and laughs because he acts "stupid" she says..she's don't want no other guy but me she says and I believe her because she's very deeply in love with me, but I hurt her and throw stuff at her verbally because of my jealousy and trust issues. I want to change and I need God to help me...I want to overcome this...my wife know I have wonderful qualitys that she loves about me but she hates this side of me. I want to feel secure and not jealous no more..

Life2Christ · Mar 26, 2012

This is a good time to go to couples therapy. If this guy is flirting with her and your wife encourages him, then she is disrespecting you. She needs to make you feel at ease becase you are her husband. By the same token, your wife's passive aggressivness is showing because she probably feels you are "choking" her with your insecurities. There is probably a part of her that doesn't want to give in to you because you sound possessive. This is a real turn-off. You both need a meeting of the minds. Try to go through your church or your health insurance and find a family therapist to help you work this out because you need an unbiased 3rd party badly!

turkle · Mar 26, 2012

I agree that some counseling may be in order. In the meantime, it is really important that you control your behavior. You may FEEL insecure and jealous, but you know that behaving that way is hurtful to your marriage. You need to stop "throwing things at her verbally". That only harms the relationship, and you don't feel any better afterwards, do you?

Tell her how you feel when she allows this flirting to go on. Do it without accusation. Acknowledge that you understand that it makes her feel good, but it makes you feel disrespected.

Sometimes you have to push through negative emotions to do the right thing. Counseling could help with those emotion. For now, you are in control of how you deal with those emotions.

JesusIsTheKing101 · Mar 26, 2012

I don't want to hurt her and blame her because guys flirt, I do tell her it bothers me and I feel disrespected. I'm holding my tongue, I'm channeling these negative emotions in composing music and writing lyrics since im a artist. So I'm just going to think positive and just give it all to God, because I know this is very damaging to my relationship. I have women flirt with me but I respect the relationship. I love that God gave her to me, so ill just have a different mindset and attitude and just trust her like I trust the Lord. Trusting her love that she won't shatter my heart

Life2Christ · Mar 26, 2012

JesusIsTheKing101 said:
So I'm just going to think positive and just give it all to God, because I know this is very damaging to my relationship. I have women flirt with me but I respect the relationship. I love that God gave her to me, so ill just have a different mindset and attitude and just trust her like I trust the Lord. Trusting her love that she won't shatter my heart

That sounds like a great start!

BFine · Mar 26, 2012

You wouldn't be blaming her for guys flirting, what you are
trying to encourage here is proper conduct...
It's nice that she is very attractive but what's up with her not
telling these guys to knock off the flirting and show proper respect?

Sorry, I'm dropping a red flag on this one.

JesusIsTheKing101 · Mar 26, 2012

B fine thats the thing, if she kindly told the guy to knock it off ill won't be feeling this way ill have soo much assurance with her. A man doesnt have to worry abour his wife not handling her business telling guys to please stop. A man has a job bills and a family to protect and provide. Gods word says we are one flesh and her body belong to me and minee her...you think if she told the guy to please stop I would be like this? No...when I ask her did she smile she seem hesitant she said because he acts dumb...that bothers me

JesusIsTheKing101 · Mar 26, 2012

This has been going on several months now i tell her when I first notice and this first started I said baby u dont like that guy touch you and flirts...she knew I was vert tiny bit jealous but she didn't took care of it and it escalated to fights and jealousy on my part.. she should of been deal with it...i dont like it...its very disreapectful Shes a married woman...and she say I'm blaming her and hurting her. I just want her to take care of her business I don't need to be on he back to do it

paul1149 · Mar 26, 2012

Her response in this matter is very deficient. What starts out "stupid" and entertaining can evolve into a major mistake given the right conditions. It wouldn't be the first time. This is not a case of inappropriate jealousy on your part, and burying your head in music is not an answer. Your wife has a problem that needs to be dealt with, and her refusal to deal with it is a very unhealthy sign. And if the guy actually is touching her and she tolerates it, this already is at an more advanced dangerous stage. You probably have already, but make sure she knows how you feel, but do it with equanimity, and without accusing her of having done anything. This is not a good place to be in. Please post over in the prayer forum as well.

suzybeezy · Mar 26, 2012

Trust in a marriage should be the foundation. My husband trusts me and knows that if someone is flirting with me, I can handle myself and know how to gauge when its going too far. I trust him completely and have not an ounce of worry that he'd ever do anything that would cause me to not trust him. I have a very flirty type personality and several very close male friends. I couldn't be with someone who didn't completely trust me. And his complete trust in me, makes me love him more cause I know he's secure enough in our relationship and our love that he doesn't have to worry - and he doesn't. There's just something very attractive in a confident man!

I say this because if you're a person who has had (justifiable) trust issues in the past, you have to recognize the issue is likely with you (when it comes to your current relationship). You may just have to go on blind faith for a while and just surrender your worries. Fake your trust in her until its developed. And it will develop over time when you start to notice that you can trust in her. If someone is flirting with her, find a way to believe in her love for you and that she'll put a stop to it if it starts to become too much. You'll find that she'll grow closer to you when she starts to see your trust in her growing.

Christian Warrior · Mar 26, 2012

Woman like to be flirted with because it makes them feel good.

I found that building more trust with God fixes this issue with trust in a relationship.

JoeyArnold · Mar 26, 2012

Sometimes there's a difference between being friendly & flirting.

parsley · Mar 27, 2012

Woman like to be flirted with because it makes them feel good.

Sometimes there's a difference between being friendly & flirting.

Exactly. Women tend to be more naive about flirting, and assume attention can stay at a friendship level. She might not see it as flirting at all, unless he's constantly trying to touch her. By the comment she made, I'd assume the guy is a little hammy about it and she wouldn't consider a relationship with him even if she were single.

It's hard for us to say how they interact, but I would guess he is trying to flatter you both by flattering your wife, or teasing you by pushing your buttons. He probably gets a kick out of seeing how you'll react.

A woman can't operate normally in public if she isn't allowed to talk to acquaintances. If you try to control that, you will drive her far from you. And as said above, you will lose that attractive confidence when you trade it for jealousy and fear.

If she says he is acting stupid, then she sees the guy as one of the people in your social circle who is a little entertaining for his oddities. In most of our brains there is an understanding that family members need to be taken care of even if they are unusual or unpleasant, and friends can be acceptable even if they aren't perfect. People will talk to others when there is nothing to gain.

In a Christian's brain, there is also the aspect of caring for people in a brotherly way, and including all believers in the family of faith. Make sure you are not attacking her for something she thinks she is doing out of Christian responsibility.

paul1149 · Mar 27, 2012

paul1149 said:
Her response in this matter is very deficient. What starts out "stupid" and entertaining can evolve into a major mistake given the right conditions. It wouldn't be the first time. This is not a case of inappropriate jealousy on your part, and burying your head in music is not an answer. Your wife has a problem that needs to be dealt with, and her refusal to deal with it is a very unhealthy sign. And if the guy actually is touching her and she tolerates it, this already is at an more advanced dangerous stage. You probably have already, but make sure she knows how you feel, but do it with equanimity, and without accusing her of having done anything. This is not a good place to be in. Please post over in the prayer forum as well.

Brother, I need to rescind or at least soften the advice I gave yesterday. I was surprised to find it sticking in my craw last night, and the reason it did was I had no competency to give such hard advice so quickly from so far a distance.

I do believe that this is a potentially very dangerous situation, but your wife's motivations may be innocent, even if perhaps not wise. Trust issues are absolutely foundational to your relationship, and therefore should be treated carefully.

I would advise moving forward very carefully, gently and judiciously. Try to use the situation as a means of improving communication between you and your wife, so you can learn more about each other and how to serve each other's best interests. Keep the emphasis on building rather than tearing down.

If if comes to it, my previous opinion may bear out, but I wouldn't go there until all other options were exhausted.

Bathe this thing in much prayer, and consider very carefully the gentle wisdom passage in James 3.

Sorry, and blessings.

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