How to Marry the Wrong Person

[plum]

I've been getting these free emails called "How to Marry the Wrong Person" from Warm Wisdom Press: http://www.warmwisdompress.com
And here is reason #5. I was wondering what you all thought about it!

Way # 5 - How to Marry the Wrong Person
Way Number 5:


** They get intimately involved before they are intellectually committed. **
The reason this is such a big problem is that physical involvement prevents people from fully and honestly exploring the important issues. It causes such a degree of emotional attachment that it clouds people's minds. And clouded minds are not conducive to good decision-making.

This might sound a bit radical today, but it's true; a couple does not need to take a "test drive" in order to find out if they are sexually compatible. If both people do their homework well and verify that they are intellectually and emotionally compatible, then the sexual compatibility will take care of itself. Of all the studies done on divorce, sexual incompatibility is never cited as a main factor. If anything, it is merely a symptom of differences that run much deeper.
----


Any thoughts? Do you agree? What issues need to be explored between couples? What are the big topics that have to be figured out?

Reasons 1, 2, & 3 to follow!

 

[gizmo03]

I agree with it..

Dr. Phil says that there is a huge factor that can almost predict if a couple will get divorced or not (or at the very least have a happy marriage or a bad marriage), and that is that the couple discuss *everything* before you get married.


~ ~

I was going to do a Dr. Phil quote too along this topic but I'll just agree with this one. Mine was probably going to be more confussing.

Communication is just the main thing! Discussing everything with your partner and sharing each others thoughts and how they want things. I think people rush into marriage, just because they think they love each other so much and theres nothing left to do but get married.
I have sisters that rushed into marriage and do rergret it to this day, and they admit if they only would of talked things more thoroughly it would of saved them a lot of time and heartache.

I haven't had much experience in the whole dating thing at all, but I am still living by what I had said when I was a little girl, I was only going to date someone and hold a hard grip in them only if I can see myself marrying them, I just hope that works for me. Especially since I have consummed myself of one individual for a few months now.

But there is one thing that some couples do prior to marriage is counsling, and even though my church does that, I just not sure how I feel and where I stand with all that.

 

[Iceman_Aragorn]

But there is one thing that some couples do prior to marriage is counsling, and even though my church does that, I just not sure how I feel and where I stand with all that.

Yeah, most churches offer some sort of pre-marriage counselling. I've never had councelling or evern remotely thought about needed it, but I totally think getting it from the church is a good idea. Its not so much about fixing mental issues, as making sure you are both in love with God first and foremost, and then (i should think) ensuring you both have an appropriate view of the roles in a christian marriage.

Anyways, suffice to say that its a good chance to get an objective opinion about your relationship, and make sure there aren't any issues that would require you go to post-marriage counselling....much less desirable, i should think. pre-marriage counselling is like proactively making sure the marriage will be perfect

 

[Mr.Cheese]

I can agree with that. It's tricky though, dare I say subjective?

Just because a couple mess around doesn't mean they are neglecting the important issues. Maybe they just mess up every now and then. It's almost impossible not to.
This is in contrast to a couple who fall into mere sensuality as the basis for their relationship.

There are people who hardly hold hands before being married and their marriages are disasters.

Just remember, do not lose focus on the important things.

 

[Spoilt Victorian Child]

Could you paste more of these e-mails?

 

[Sketcher]

Yes, post more of them please.

 

[Iceman_Aragorn]

There are people who hardly hold hands before being married and their marriages are disasters.

Well, I dunno about that. And even if that happened, i'd doubt it was because it was a christian couple trying to maintain purity till marriage...

do you have any example of that? my counter example would of course be Josh Harris, who, with his wife, didn't even kiss until being married.....crazy-man...but it worked for him

 

[plum]

Could you paste more of these e-mails?

I have all but #4... Here is #1! Any thoughts on it?

Way # 1 - How to Marry the Wrong Person

Way Number 1:

** They expect the person to change after marriage. **

Repeat the following sentence to yourself at least three times before you go out on a date:

• Never marry potential.
• Never marry potential.
• Never marry potential.

If you don't feel that you can be happy with the person as they are now, then don't get married. One marriage counselor went so far as to phrase it like this: "You can expect people to change after they're married...for the worse!" Ask yourself honestly: Can I live with this person's character, personal appearance, level of spirituality (or lack thereof), communication skills, or any other personal habits or idiosyncrasies that I see as we are dating? If you can't and it's something so important to you that you feel it has to change, then don't let the relationship go any further.

I love that phrase. Honestly, it applies to me so much in my current relationship.

 

[Iceman_Aragorn]

wow....that concept really applies to the situation of a friend of mine. well worded....i think i'll use it

 

[plum]

I'm glad these can be helpful! I'm also agreeing with it 100%. I needed this reminder in my relationship because I'm focusing too much on who my SO could be in the future... not who he is now. thankfully God is Good and is helping me see this!

 

[plum]

How to Marry the Wrong Person

Way Number 2:

** They focus on chemistry, not on character. **

People pick the wrong person because they're in love. Before you start protesting, stop and think for a minute. Take a good, hard look at yourself, as well as those you know who are currently part of the "dating scene." All too often, when people say, "I'm in love" what they really mean, whether consciously or not, is that "I'm in lust." They make the fatal mistake of focusing more on chemistry than on character.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that chemistry is unimportant. But it definitely takes a back seat to character, for a number of reasons.

First of all, the rule is that "chemistry ignites the fire, but character keeps it burning." Even if you are seriously attracted to this person, the relationship will have no future if you don't genuinely like them and appreciate them for who they are inside.

Secondly, physical profiles change, especially with age. If the relationship is only skin-deep (literally), then it will peter out if and when the person's external appearance undergoes significant (or even insignificant) changes. Therefore, even if attraction is there, you owe it to yourself and to the person you're dating to carefully check out their character.

Easier said than done, you're thinking. Well, truth to tell, it's really not that hard.

Here are four character traits you should definitely be on the lookout for:

1. Humility.
   
   Is this person willing to subdue their own personal wants, desires, dreams and especially their ego, in order to do what's right and not just what's comfortable?
2. Kindness.
   
   Is this person someone who wants to enhance other people's lives?
   
   Are they interested in causing other people pleasure?
   
   How do they behave towards people whom they aren't obligated to be nice to? (The waitress? Other drivers on the road? Etc.)
   
   Are they charitable and generous with their money?
   
   Do they greet others with a smile?
   
   Are they willing to go out of their way to help people?
3. Responsibility.
   
   Is this person dependable?
   
   Can I rely on them to follow through?
   
   Will they do things that they said they would do?
4. Happiness.
   
   Many people make the mistake of thinking that happiness is determined by external factors. Not so. True happiness is an internal character trait that can be worked on and cultivated. Ask yourself:
   
   Is this person happy with whom they are?
   
   Do they like themselves?
   
   Do they enjoy life?
   
   Are they emotionally stable?

Some other questions that will help you soul-search in order to discover if you are concentrating on chemistry or character are: Do I admire this person?
Do I want to be more like them?
Do I want this person to bring up my children?
Would I want my child to turn out like him/her?


Think about it.

 

[Spoilt Victorian Child]

That is a great list.

 

[simi]

i totally agree. i was engaged till not long ago and well i was on teh road to marrying the wrong person. I just thank God for his lil nudges and persistance and opening my eyes to what was happening.

I have never had a guy treat me right and im somewhat scared of marriage now (coming from a broken family also)

i just pray that god will guide me in this area

 

[ReformedChapin]

This thread opened my eyes...WOW

 

[Inperfected]

Wow to the last one.

Thats amazing stuff.