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How to let a guy know you're interested...

tr0pica1rain

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without doing all his work.
I am a firm believer that the man should initiate the relationship, and that the woman should be pursued. But these days, girls ask guys out all the time. I refuse.
However, I work with a guy that I like, and, if he does like me, how do I let him know it's okay to ask me out without being blatantly obvious?
I want to ask him if he has a facebook, but I don't know if it's being too forward. Although I do that with other people I work with too.
Bleh.
 
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HippiePoser

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While I'm a big fan of the way things "used to be", when it comes to relationships, equality seems to be the best option. If you want something to happen here, you need to take some initiative. Relationships are built on equal footing from both partners. If you expect the man to do all the work at the beginning, are you expecting that much from him for the rest of the relationship? Men are not always that quick when it comes to the women that find them attractive, and then the women they are in relationships with. Take that step. It could be very well worth the effort. I wouldn't be with my husband now if I hadn't taken some initiative.
 
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tr0pica1rain

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I just don't want to be the one chasing him. What would be some examples of initiating something, without being the pursuer?
Also, I don't know if he is a believer, but I would like to get to know him more, which is why I am confused about this stuff.
Also, never had a boyfriend. If that helps clarify things lol.
 
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unkern

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Society has demasculinated most men, so it makes it real hard for some of us to to be brave and couragous warriors. You can innitiate, but if you do you are saying you are in charge. If he innitiates it says that he is in charge and that allows him to be the warrior chasing after the princess. The bible tells women to be submissive to their husbands, so its easier if it starts out that way. You can open up to him more though, and also to understand men in general alot better here at 2 books you can read: Wild at heart, The un-guide to dating.
 
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SaintInChicago

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without doing all his work.
I am a firm believer that the man should initiate the relationship, and that the woman should be pursued. But these days, girls ask guys out all the time. I refuse.
There's your problem. Trying to go after a guy without going after him. It's like trying to stand up and sit down at the same time. Either don't pursue him, or do. You know, if you get him to start doing stuff like go out somewhere you could just do the catalyst work and let him handle the rest.

I want to ask him if he has a facebook, but I don't know if it's being too forward. Although I do that with other people I work with too.
Bleh.

No, it is not too forward. Your affection makes you overly sensitive.
 
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Luther073082

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Society has demasculinated most men, so it makes it real hard for some of us to to be brave and couragous warriors. You can innitiate, but if you do you are saying you are in charge. If he innitiates it says that he is in charge and that allows him to be the warrior chasing after the princess. The bible tells women to be submissive to their husbands, so its easier if it starts out that way. You can open up to him more though, and also to understand men in general alot better here at 2 books you can read: Wild at heart, The un-guide to dating.

Right and her earning a higher income or you being a stay at home dad puts her in charge too. I'm sure thats how it is.

I'm with you society often de-masiculates and de-values men. But swinging to the Christian matcho ideal is ridiculous. Look I'm 175 pounds, and I'm afraid of fish. I'm no brave and couragious warrior, but I can be a faithful husband who takes care of and protects his family, acts as a spiritual leader, and owns up to all his responsibilities. And taking care of your family means working with your wife in whatever roles suit the family best.

If you want to be a brave and couragious warrior, join the marines, thats where the real warriors are. If you've never been in the military, you are not a warrior, I'm sorry. And you'll notice the real warriors just go and do their job and don't talk about how brave they are. I'm not going to be a guy walking around talking about how brave and couragious I am. And I'm definatly not going to be a "warrior". I'll protect my family silently in whatever way I have to. Without pounding on my chest and trying to revive tarzan. And I will do it without falling into strict roles that have over extended their usefulness.

Now that my rant has been completed I will say.

Ask him out, if you can't do that and are too afraid (which most women are) then hint at him in other ways. You can't be too obvious about these things. Passing hints are just confusing.
 
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tr0pica1rain

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Thanks everyone,
I think I interpreted the book Captivating to mean that girls should just wait for the guy in all forms. But I know guys are afraid of rejection too. So hinting/ gentle nudging seems to be a good idea.
I want my future husband to be a warrior of course, but a spiritual one.
Umm, yeah. I think I'll add him on facebook.
I don't know if he even likes me, or anything. But whatever.
 
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Luther073082

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Thanks everyone,
I think I interpreted the book Captivating to mean that girls should just wait for the guy in all forms. But I know guys are afraid of rejection too. So hinting/ gentle nudging seems to be a good idea.
I want my future husband to be a warrior of course, but a spiritual one.
Umm, yeah. I think I'll add him on facebook.
I don't know if he even likes me, or anything. But whatever.

What the heck does a spiritual warrior fight??

Satan??

Personally, I'll let Christ fight Satan for me. And he has, and won. I can't fight Satan myself.

This whole warrior thing just bugs me like crazy. We like to use poor theolgical imagry and we like to pretend to hold up to a set of ideals that never really existed.

And personally I don't have to be macho to be a man. In fact when I read my bible I see Jesus as being anything but macho. Jesus is a man, he is the best of men, the example all men should follow. But he wasn't macho. He didn't talk about how he was a warrior, he didn't pound his chest, he just went and silently protected those he loves. And the funny thing is he was the one and only true spiritual warrior.

I think some people need to seriously put down "Wild at Heart" and start reading their bible's. You arn't going to be a warrior unless you are in the military. A guy living in a comfortable suburban & christian life with his wife and kids is NOT a warrior of any sort. He's in no way a brave and couragous warrior. He will probably never face a life and death experience and if he does, protecting your family is not brave, its nature!

In the same way a man is not a spiritual warrior, the term is nearly blasphamous. A warrior fights, but the only bad thing out there to fight is Satan. The problem is Jesus has already defeated Satan so you can't really fight Satan either. So you are either a fake warrior who swings a sword at the air and pretends to fight invisable enemies or you are fighting God. I would assume its the former.

Christian brothers listen to me.
You are not a knight and you wouldn't like to be. Real knights enjoyed raping and pillaging.
You are not a cowboy, they quite enjoyed womanizing when they got into town.
You are not a warrior of any sort unless you are in the military.
You are not Tarzan, Tarzan doesn't use a computer and a cell phone.

I am Kirk. I am 6'1 1/2" rougly 175 pounds, I can't swim and I'm afraid of fish. I probably couldn't fight my way out of a paper bag and my body does not in any way resemble a greek god. I've never stared down the barrel of a gun and the closest I've came to death was falling into fthrough ice into freezing cold flood waters while lost in a forest during the winter. And I'm acutly aware that while my stupidity got me into that one, God got me out.

I'm a ballroom dancer, and if you think that is not something men should do then I have little time to listen to you. I'm a Lutheran Sunday school teacher and I make no bones about it that I belive that all of the Lutheran doctrines that I teach are completly 100% true and grounded strongly in scripture. And I also believe those things that are opposed to the doctrines I teach are false and harmful teachings.

I'm a saint, I'm a sinner and a forgiven man of God that needs forgiveness and grace every day.

I'm not a warrior of any sort, I prefer not to take those risks but have immense respect for those who do. Besides they won't take me in the military because I have mild epilespy. I also have essential tremors despite the fact that I'm only 25.

And I don't belive I need to be any sort of warrior to be a man.
 
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tr0pica1rain

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That isn't the kind of warrior I mean either.
This is:
“A Christlike warrior doesn’t selfishly seek to overcome obstacles (such as women with morals). Rather, he becomes an obstacle that stands in the way of all forms of impurity and injustice. A warrior doesn’t complain about sacred boundary lines – he gives his life to protect them.”
- Eric Ludy

Also, for the record, I think it's cool that you ballroom dance.
 
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SaintInChicago

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What the heck does a spiritual warrior fight??

Satan??
Ignorance knows no bounds I see.

This whole warrior thing just bugs me like crazy. We like to use poor theolgical imagry and we like to pretend to hold up to a set of ideals that never really existed.
Actually they did. Read a history book some time. There were chivalric codes. they existed. You lose.
And personally I don't have to be macho to be a man.
That's your problem. Sorry to hear.
In fact when I read my bible I see Jesus as being anything but macho.
You've obviously never done physical labor. Jesus built houses. Without power tools. He also beat people with a whip.
Jesus is a man, he is the best of men, the example all men should follow. But he wasn't macho.
No. He was manly.
He didn't talk about how he was a warrior, he didn't pound his chest, he just went and silently protected those he loves. And the funny thing is he was the one and only true spiritual warrior.
He didn't talk about going to the bathroom either. You'd better stop.
I think some people need to seriously put down "Wild at Heart" and start reading their bible's. You arn't going to be a warrior unless you are in the military.
You too. Start with Revelations. Then go to the OT.
A guy living in a comfortable suburban & christian life with his wife and kids is NOT a warrior of any sort. He's in no way a brave and couragous warrior. He will probably never face a life and death experience and if he does, protecting your family is not brave, its nature!
Not in the literal sense. But those of us with a 9th grade education know what simile & metaphor are.
In the same way a man is not a spiritual warrior, the term is nearly blasphamous. A warrior fights, but the only bad thing out there to fight is Satan.
yeah, 'cause rapists are bad :rollseyes:

[/quote]
You are not a knight and you wouldn't like to be. Real knights enjoyed raping and pillaging.[/quote]
Some did. Some did not. Depends what era of history you are talking about.
You are not a cowboy, they quite enjoyed womanizing when they got into town.
Again, some did, some did not. That's like saying "you are not a plumber, they are fat, let their pants ride low, and jump on goombas.
You are not a warrior of any sort unless you are in the military.
Again, see "High school education". it's a metaphor.
You are not Tarzan, Tarzan doesn't use a computer and a cell phone.
Actually Tarazan is a fictional character, so he doesn't really do anything.
I am Kirk. I am 6'1 1/2" rougly 175 pounds, I can't swim and I'm afraid of fish.
I am Matthew. I am 6'3", 220 lbs, I swim like a duck and I've cleaned out restaurant grease traps with my bare hands.
I probably couldn't fight my way out of a paper bag and my body does not in any way resemble a greek god.
I've studied martial arts since I was seven, and can use a katana, knives, rapier, saber, staff, shotgun, or even just my bare hands to do serious damage to people.
I've never stared down the barrel of a gun and the closest I've came to death was falling into fthrough ice into freezing cold flood waters while lost in a forest during the winter.
I've never stared down the barrel of a gun either. Can't say I've been close to death either. But there are guys who have.
And I'm acutly aware that while my stupidity got me into that one, God got me out.
That's nice.
I'm a ballroom dancer, and if you think that is not something men should do then I have little time to listen to you.
I do West Coast Swing. :)
I'm a Lutheran Sunday school teacher and I make no bones about it that I belive that all of the Lutheran doctrines that I teach are completly 100% true and grounded strongly in scripture. And I also believe those things that are opposed to the doctrines I teach are false and harmful teachings.
Good :)
I'm a saint, I'm a sinner and a forgiven man of God that needs forgiveness and grace every day.
Actually "saints and sinners" is a dichotomy that refers to saved and unsaved. But anyway . . .
I'm not a warrior of any sort, I prefer not to take those risks but have immense respect for those who do.
Again, see the word 'metaphor'. it's ninth grade literature. And that's being generous.
Besides they won't take me in the military because I have mild epilespy. I also have essential tremors despite the fact that I'm only 25.
OK. I'm 25 also.
And I don't belive I need to be any sort of warrior to be a man.
Here, I'll do it for you. This is from a document called "English Basics", which you appear to have little knowledge of:
Metaphors are comparisons that show how two things that are not alike in most ways are similar in one important way. Metaphors are a way to describe something. Authors use them to make their writing more interesting or entertaining.

Yes, it is true. Most Christian men are not warriors. However, the metaphor can be used to show how they are alike in a significant way.
Personally I think the metaphor is very worn out, and that you are justified in discouraging its use, but only because it is so worn out it has lost a lot of its original clarity. That is where our agreement ends.
 
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SaintInChicago

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That isn't the kind of warrior I mean either.
This is:
“A Christlike warrior doesn’t selfishly seek to overcome obstacles (such as women with morals). Rather, he becomes an obstacle that stands in the way of all forms of impurity and injustice. A warrior doesn’t complain about sacred boundary lines – he gives his life to protect them.”
- Eric Ludy

Also, for the record, I think it's cool that you ballroom dance.
Anyways, ask the guy if he wants to go for ice cream or something. It's not promiscuous.
 
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ChoirCupcake

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Facebook doesn't have anything to do with romantic interests as far as I can tell. I have to remember that when a guy adds me... he just wants to stay in touch, not necessarily get to know me better. Which is sometimes disappointing, but useful nonetheless.

I have the same thoughts, Captivating and Wild at Heart are two of the best books on these subjects. It's definitely hard to know the difference between pursuing and just encouraging.

Talk to him a little more, smile more. Give him compliments on things that a guy would feel good about. I'm not good at these things, but it seems to be the best way to take initiative.
 
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E.C.

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Men are not always that quick when it comes to the women that find them attractive, and then the women they are in relationships with. Take that step. It could be very well worth the effort. I wouldn't be with my husband now if I hadn't taken some initiative.
That part is very true. I've lost out on many opportunities (so to say) because I can never tell if a woman likes me or not (I also blame my shyness)


Hint a little. Your average guy will think about a girl and most likely try to start something if he knows that she likes him.
 
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Luther073082

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Ignorance knows no bounds I see.

Actually they did. Read a history book some time. There were chivalric codes. they existed. You lose.

They where never considered serious by the knights.

http://www.chronique.com/Library/Chivalry/code.htm said:
Many people of written to me asking for the 'old code' or the code by which medieval knights lived. In truth there was no such code; chivalry as a set of ideals and duties changed throughout the Middle Ages to meet new socio-economic realities. In our day, they must once again change, maintaining the essential quality of defending 'rightness' that ties the many images of what we call 'chivalry.'
Although there is no 'authentic' code, discussions of knightly virtues can be found in the writings of knights and bards throughout history. What I have done here is to distill many of the essential qualities discussed by all the major sources, Chrètien de Troyes, Ramon Lull, Geoffrey de Charny, Honoret Bonet, and others. I have modernized them slightly, removing many of the socially dependent elements and replacing them with more generic (and weaker) equivalents palatable to modern sensibilities. Chivalry is often taken to be a matter of opinion and of dispute, but most would agree that the following virtues all have a place in the virtues a knight should have. There will be grave differences of opinion on what duties and actions are expected in service of these virtues, and of their relative importance to one another, but I hope this serves as a starting point for discussion. Therefore, in response to the hundreds of messages asking for the 'old code', here is a code of chivalry updated for the modern world

Furthermore those knights that had a code of conduct that actually followed often did so for profit. The knights templar are of course the best example. But then again even some of them broke their code of conduct. Their own leader allowed himself to be ransomed which violated their code.

But the templar code could not apply to most Christian men because it also involved poverty and celibacy.

You've obviously never done physical labor. Jesus built houses. Without power tools. He also beat people with a whip.

What?? Beating people with a whip?? He was beaten with a whip, didn't beat anyone with a whip that I remember.

He didn't talk about going to the bathroom either. You'd better stop.

When someone calls themselves a brave and couragious warrior and has never been to battle that person is a fraud. Thats a complete lack of humility.

Jesus was in a spiritual battle, military members where in worldly battles. Other guys are just pretenders.

Not in the literal sense. But those of us with a 9th grade education know what simile & metaphor are.

A metaphor for what? You just being another regular guy? Its just a metaphor for make believe. Enter real world. You are not a spiritual warrior the battle was won, you fight nothing. In the worldly sense you also most likely are not fighting anything. And if you are doing so protecting your family that doesn't make you brave. Any other guy would do the same thing for his family. I respect it, I belive thats the way it should be, but I don't consider you a hero.

yeah, 'cause rapists are bad :rollseyes:

[/quote]

Some did. Some did not. Depends what era of history you are talking about.

The vast majority did, that was SOP after taking a city.

Again, see "High school education". it's a metaphor.

A metaphore for you building yourself up while disgracing real warriors. Its sad that we use that word so cheaply.
Actually Tarazan is a fictional character, so he doesn't really do anything.
I am Matthew. I am 6'3", 220 lbs, I swim like a duck and I've cleaned out restaurant grease traps with my bare hands.

So have I

I've never stared down the barrel of a gun either. Can't say I've been close to death either. But there are guys who have.

So how are you brave or courageous?? Brave people face death. Farces talk about their bravery from the comfort of a computer desk
That's nice.

I do West Coast Swing. :)

Cool, wish I was better at my swing dances. . . I'm better at Waltz, Foxtrot, that kind of thing.

Actually "saints and sinners" is a dichotomy that refers to saved and unsaved. But anyway . . .

So do you deny that you are a sinner? It fits every Christian.

Again, see the word 'metaphor'. it's ninth grade literature. And that's being generous.

I know what a metaphor is but you are nothing like a warrior. You use the word cheaply. A warrior fights battles and faces death, yet you don't. And use the word to describe yourself. How sad. Its boastful

Yes, it is true. Most Christian men are not warriors. However, the metaphor can be used to show how they are alike in a significant way.
Personally I think the metaphor is very worn out, and that you are justified in discouraging its use, but only because it is so worn out it has lost a lot of its original clarity. That is where our agreement ends.

Whatever happened to being just a good Christian man? Why do we have to act macho or try to act macho to feel like men? I don't.

Really I think this Christian macho ideal is just ridiculous, you don't need a crappy and disrespectful (to real warriors) metaphor to talk about yourself.
 
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ChoirCupcake

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Whatever happened to being just a good Christian man? Why do we have to act macho or try to act macho to feel like men? I don't.

Really I think this Christian macho ideal is just ridiculous, you don't need a crappy and disrespectful (to real warriors) metaphor to talk about yourself.

1. Have you read Wild at Heart? I don't think you have, or else you would see why this is so frustrating for women to have "good Christian men" around. I for one am tired of "good Christian men". I want someone who is willing to be more than that. Someone who is not boisterously "macho" but who is also not just going to church every Sunday to ensure his salvation. This may be a little taboo... but I think there is more to this Christian life than just God's grace. There are battles to fight, you have to resist the Devil. (No one is exempt from temptation, not even YOU).
which brings me to question 2.

2. Do you have NO IDEA whatsoever of what a metaphor is? When Wild at Heart is talking about being strong, being in a battle, being a fighter...

this is NOT IN ANY WAY LITERAL. It's talking about spiritual warfare. Grace has saved us yes, but we're still tempted... we're still attacked (again this is spiritual, not physical!!!)... I have to face temptation 24/7.

If that's not the case with you, then why haven't you been transported to heaven already? We're on this earth for a reason. We're bringing the kingdom of heaven to earth. To do that, we have to be Jesus to the world. There are people who are not saved, and if Christian men and women aren't confident enough in the masculinity and femininity that God has given them, then those people are not going to have much hope.

That's the war we're (spiritually) fighting. The world against the kingdom of heaven. And it takes REAL MEN and REAL WOMEN -- not people sitting in a pew and raising their hands when the music plays -- to go out there and reflect the One who put us here.

That's my two cents. Take it or leave it.
 
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