How to inform the church of a removal of a member?

[forevermemorable]

A brother (around 55 years old) in the faith has been attending the fellowship for the past 5 years. This brother had touched a couple of the youth on shoulders and it made them uncomfortable. One of those was my 13 year old daughter. I confronted the brother and told him that is a gentle loving way to be mindful of touching the kids. This brother freaked and thought someone was accusing him of inappropriately touching children. I told him that I was speaking on behalf of my daughter as her father, that she does not like to be touched. He left the church and I talked him into coming back.

A year or so later, he is raised up as an usher and doing a great job, but then he flips out in the service with some mental problem and it was discovered that this brother has been diagnosed with schizophrenia. This brother sat out for awhile, then served again. Then his mind played tricks on him again and this brother ended up chewing me out with a bunch of profanities and telling me to keep your dead church. I ask the brother not to come back to the church while he was in this aggressive position.

Then, this brother came back just over three months ago and said in front of 10 people in the church, "Pastor, I repent." And we all gladly accepted him back. I put this brother on a three month probationial period, so as not to lay hands too quickly on someone. He just finished the "testing" period and then I started knowing many signs flare up...extreme jealousy, argumentative with people, getting frustrated easily.

Then, this brother flipped out again towards me with some extreme hostilities and aggression. He told me "Screw you" and hung up the phone on me. I called him back and tried to reason with him, but he was super aggressive. Of course, for the safety of the entire flock, I didn't think it would be wise to have this brother continue fellowship at our church anymore and I asked him not to come back. I cannot be concerned about one individual over the entire church body. I must side with the majority. And some of the youth have been uncomfortable with him, because this brother does a lot of strange mental things. My daughter is super uncomfortable with him. But truly, I asked this brother to leave, due to his hostility, aggression, and anger and I pose him as a threat to our small church. Proverbs 22:24, "Make no friendship with an angry man, And with a furious man do not go."

So, how do I inform the church of this brother's removal? I don't want to air out the laundry and be accused of gossiping, but I also don't want there to be loose lips that sink ships. Most of this brother's behavior is unknown to the majority of the church.

 

[Paidiske]

I don't think it's appropriate for this to be made known to the church as a whole. It would be appropriate to report to your governing council or board.

For what it's worth, next time you face such a situation, it can be good to have a written agreement defining what is and is not appropriate which the person agrees to and signs. Then this agreement can be the basis for holding them accountable for unacceptable behaviour. (I have, for example, had such an agreement with a person that she was not to attend church when under the influence; because when drunk she became very aggressive. And having the agreement in place meant she actually only came when she was able to manage her behaviour).

 

[forevermemorable]

I was just reading about agreements in place. Listen to what I read, "You must create a culture of accountability. At a job, someone can be fired for poor performance. I've found it helpful to have ministry agreements with those who serve that describe what is expected of them so that if any correction needs to take place, you have clearly defined parameters and can have constructive conversations. When you give people your expectations up front, they understand what they need to do and can decide if they are committed to meeting them or not. Also, I always provide a sunset - a time frame for their service and a reevaluation. At this time, we go over the ministry agreement and see if that avenue of service is a good fit."

 

[Paidiske]

Well, if someone doesn't want to be touched on the shoulder and asks you not to, then it's not okay to keep doing it.

 

[Paidiske]

I was just reading about agreements in place. Listen to what I read, "You must create a culture of accountability. At a job, someone can be fired for poor performance. I've found it helpful to have ministry agreements with those who serve that describe what is expected of them so that if any correction needs to take place, you have clearly defined parameters and can have constructive conversations. When you give people your expectations up front, they understand what they need to do and can decide if they are committed to meeting them or not. Also, I always provide a sunset - a time frame for their service and a reevaluation. At this time, we go over the ministry agreement and see if that avenue of service is a good fit."

Yes, but I'm not talking so much about ministry agreements, so much as agreements about their attendance or participation at church at all.

 

[Paidiske]

.

 

[forevermemorable]

Its fascinating you should mention Mike MacIntosh, because I am going to meet him in two days. I remember his story very well. A gun went off near his head and he thought his head had exploded and was messed up for a while there after. Then he met the Lord and his mind was transformed! I am also a story of having my disabled mind transformed as well...due to birth problems. Yes, I believe in any medical issue being healed, BUT you must know, God does not choose to heal many people and their disabilities. This is not due to a lack of faith. Sometime Jesus heals and more often than not, he doesn't on this side of heaven. Ultimately, the Lord causes the ultimate healing and calls someone home.

But, I think you are missing the picture altogether. A pastor has a duty to the entire sheep...not just one individual. One individual must not be placed above the whole. That is wise counsel I have received from several senior pastors. If one sheep poses a threat, a disruption, a divisive spirit, it must be dealt with in a ginger and loving manner. That has been done throughout the years with this brother. Much patience, love, grace, and mercy was shown to this brother. This brother posed more problems in the church than solutions.

Trust me, I have gone after this brother more than any other in the church..showing up at his house, praying for him, loving on, taking in to lunch. He lives in a home with his ex-wife and has sexual relations every now and then (maybe 1 time a year). His wife is a worshiped of Buddha and there is a shrine in the house. So, there is many demonic spirits that follows this brother around. But never the less, I have desperately prayed over this brother, the house, and ministered to the ex-wife.

There is a murderer in our church, who was set free from prison after so many years. He came to know Jesus in prison and when he got out, he did not go back to his violent tendencies! Repentance is the key brother! God takes sin seriously! It is the repentive heart that God is after. Without it, there is nothing God nor man can do with an individual. The Lord told us that we will know people by their fruits. The fruits I see with this brother are red flag after red flag. If someone will not receive your words of corrections, the sandals must be dusted off. Remember, all Scripture is given by inspiration of God and is profitable for correction and rebuke, along with doctrine, and training in righteousness, so that the man of God can be fully equipped for every good work. Lastly, remember that God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble. The proud man God rejects! The man who says I am good, I don't need correction, I am fine with my sin...that is the man God will oppose. Let God's Word be found true in what He has written and anyone else that would say otherwise, be found a liar!

 

[ozso]

Why would it be necessary to say anything? I've seen a lot of stuff take place regarding church members over the decades. Any kind of gossip about it was always strongly discouraged. If it's not someone's business, they don't need to know.

 

[Paidiske]

Autism is not a mental illness. It is unusual neurological development.

 

[Paidiske]

I used to work in big pharma. I'm aware of the ethical limitations of the industry.

That said, there are no pharmaceutical sales to be had from autism. There are, however, enormous benefits to people having accurate self-knowledge and the ability to advocate for their needs.

 

[Leaf473]

A brother (around 55 years old) in the faith has been attending the fellowship for the past 5 years. This brother had touched a couple of the youth on shoulders and it made them uncomfortable. One of those was my 13 year old daughter. I confronted the brother and told him that is a gentle loving way to be mindful of touching the kids. This brother freaked and thought someone was accusing him of inappropriately touching children. I told him that I was speaking on behalf of my daughter as her father, that she does not like to be touched. He left the church and I talked him into coming back.

A year or so later, he is raised up as an usher and doing a great job, but then he flips out in the service with some mental problem and it was discovered that this brother has been diagnosed with schizophrenia. This brother sat out for awhile, then served again. Then his mind played tricks on him again and this brother ended up chewing me out with a bunch of profanities and telling me to keep your dead church. I ask the brother not to come back to the church while he was in this aggressive position.

Then, this brother came back just over three months ago and said in front of 10 people in the church, "Pastor, I repent." And we all gladly accepted him back. I put this brother on a three month probationial period, so as not to lay hands too quickly on someone. He just finished the "testing" period and then I started knowing many signs flare up...extreme jealousy, argumentative with people, getting frustrated easily.

Then, this brother flipped out again towards me with some extreme hostilities and aggression. He told me "Screw you" and hung up the phone on me. I called him back and tried to reason with him, but he was super aggressive. Of course, for the safety of the entire flock, I didn't think it would be wise to have this brother continue fellowship at our church anymore and I asked him not to come back. I cannot be concerned about one individual over the entire church body. I must side with the majority. And some of the youth have been uncomfortable with him, because this brother does a lot of strange mental things. My daughter is super uncomfortable with him. But truly, I asked this brother to leave, due to his hostility, aggression, and anger and I pose him as a threat to our small church. Proverbs 22:24, "Make no friendship with an angry man, And with a furious man do not go."

So, how do I inform the church of this brother's removal? I don't want to air out the laundry and be accused of gossiping, but I also don't want there to be loose lips that sink ships. Most of this brother's behavior is unknown to the majority of the church.

Hi RobertShank,

Nice to meet you.

That's a very interesting and difficult situation you've described.

Was the decision to "ban" the brother made just by yourself, or do you work with a group of elders?

As a practical idea, how about you and another brother invite this brother along next time you have some kind of "guy's day out" involving something like hiking or fishing (from the shore, we don't want him freaking out in a boat).

 

[A_Thinker]

A brother (around 55 years old) in the faith has been attending the fellowship for the past 5 years. This brother had touched a couple of the youth on shoulders and it made them uncomfortable. One of those was my 13 year old daughter. I confronted the brother and told him that is a gentle loving way to be mindful of touching the kids. This brother freaked and thought someone was accusing him of inappropriately touching children. I told him that I was speaking on behalf of my daughter as her father, that she does not like to be touched. He left the church and I talked him into coming back.

A year or so later, he is raised up as an usher and doing a great job, but then he flips out in the service with some mental problem and it was discovered that this brother has been diagnosed with schizophrenia. This brother sat out for awhile, then served again. Then his mind played tricks on him again and this brother ended up chewing me out with a bunch of profanities and telling me to keep your dead church. I ask the brother not to come back to the church while he was in this aggressive position.

Then, this brother came back just over three months ago and said in front of 10 people in the church, "Pastor, I repent." And we all gladly accepted him back. I put this brother on a three month probationial period, so as not to lay hands too quickly on someone. He just finished the "testing" period and then I started knowing many signs flare up...extreme jealousy, argumentative with people, getting frustrated easily.

Then, this brother flipped out again towards me with some extreme hostilities and aggression. He told me "Screw you" and hung up the phone on me. I called him back and tried to reason with him, but he was super aggressive. Of course, for the safety of the entire flock, I didn't think it would be wise to have this brother continue fellowship at our church anymore and I asked him not to come back. I cannot be concerned about one individual over the entire church body. I must side with the majority. And some of the youth have been uncomfortable with him, because this brother does a lot of strange mental things. My daughter is super uncomfortable with him. But truly, I asked this brother to leave, due to his hostility, aggression, and anger and I pose him as a threat to our small church. Proverbs 22:24, "Make no friendship with an angry man, And with a furious man do not go."

So, how do I inform the church of this brother's removal? I don't want to air out the laundry and be accused of gossiping, but I also don't want there to be loose lips that sink ships. Most of this brother's behavior is unknown to the majority of the church.

Actually, ... this opens the door to a wider discussion ...

What does the church do ... when a member has a problem controlling his/her behavior ?

As I read through the responses, ... it, unfortunately, seems to be the case that the only thing one can do ... is to exclude them from the assembly (i.e. for the good of the majority).

At the same time, it seems that you have invested significant time and effort in trying to retain this individual as a brother in Christ.

I wonder if it is possible that the experience of church fellowship might become less rigidly defined ... as the saints gathering once a week (or more) for joint worship. I wonder if the experience of church cannot be widened ... to possibly include those who might have a particular issue (at times) with full-time attendance. Someone up-thread suggested that the brother in question be included in some mens' outings.

That way, a member of the church can be retained, ... yet not be allowed consistent access to the general gathering ... during periods where his/her behavior is not conducive to a general meeting.

 

[paul1149]

@forevermemorable Your concerns and actions are justified. Forgiveness is not necessarily reconciliation, which involves the restoration of trust.

In my first church the treasurer went into a doubly-adulterous affair with a woman from the congregation. They both got divorced and then eventually married. When it was found out, the elders read a statement from the pulpit. It didn't go into detail but spoke generally of moral failure, and was done in tears, with a spirit of brokenness and love. They promptly got their rear ends sued, in a case that eventually made its way to the front page of USA Today, because this kind of thing was a cultural flashpoint back then. The church's liability insurance company settled the case, so no principle was upheld in the matter. The plaintiffs had their payday.

Mt. 18 says to "tell it to the church", and 1Cor 5 gives us a vivid example ("when you are assembled" -1cor 5.4). I have always believed that the elders did the right thing. If we are a body then we need to know what's going on among our members, for the purpose of prayer and so we can protect ourselves and our families. But in today's twisted legal environment obeying the Word can bring on big problems.

 

[Maria Billingsley]

be loose lips that sink ship

I am affraid the ship has already sunk on this one. As I read your encounter I feel you have not heard the cries of the children or the cries of this man. Elevating him into a role of servicing the church was probably not the best idea. Furthermore, discovering (I am assuming by rumor) that he is schizophrenic five years later is just not fair to him. At this point kicking out a mentally ill congregant is unconscionable. You will need to figure out another way to deal with his illness while maintaining love towards him by you and your congregation. Afterall your position requires you to serve all of them.
Be blessed.

 

[forevermemorable]

Afterall your position requires you to serve all of them. Be blessed.

Yes, but not at the sake of hurting the other sheep! You do not sacrifice all of the sheep, because one particular sheep is being divisive, unruly, disruptive, argumentative, and so forth. You speak from an emotion standpoint, but we must not let our emotions be what makes our decisions. We must stand on the Word of God. After all, God is the God of order and not disorder (1 Corinthians 14). There must be decency and order in the church. When one member/sheep threatens the order of the rest of the church body's enjoyment of the service, then we must separate the one that is unruly and disruptive or that poses a threat. The pastor MUST side with the majority of the sheep, rather than just one individual. And I have on many occasions left the 99 to go after this one, but ultimately, to no avail. Remember, Jesus told us to be careful not to throw our pearls before swine, lest they trample it under our feet. What Jesus is saying is that don't give money, time, talents on another person, if they are going to make a mockery of your efforts and treat the goodness of God with content. Basically, spend your talents and money wisely. This is why you don't give money/donations to a drunkard person, a person doing drugs and the like. To much is given, much is required!

This problem is creating problems, and as a pastor, I cannot extend, exert, dedicate more time, effort, and energy on this brother and thus loose the ministering to the rest of the sheep...the sheep that are not creating problems and are receptive to hear good teaching, counsel, guidance, etc. There is no one in our small church that has the ability to handle a person in a mental state. We have prayed over this brother more times than I can count...and that is the best approach. Aside from that, the counsel I have received from other senior pastors is, "We are not psychologists and we cannot diagnose or treat someone with their mental conditions. We leave that to the professionals." Yes, of course we pray and intercede, but it is up to God if He chooses to bring a healing.

I cannot help people in their medical conditions, financial struggles, marital issues, but I can direct a person to Someone who does know how to intercede and help...His Name is Jesus. The goal of the pastor is to equip the saints for the work of the ministry...that is what it all boils down to. If someone doesn't want to receive the counsel or allow the Holy Spirit to transform them (whether they are an unbeliever or schizophrenic), by the renewing of their minds, than that is between them and God. Everyone is responsible for his or her own decision and no one will be without excuse. Pastors carry a great responsibility for their flock and they must given an account for those He entrusted him with. I am 100% confident and conscious and conviction free from my decision to remove a member in the church that poses a threat to the mental and emotional bring of the church by and large. I will let the children come unto the Lord and forbid them not long before someone who is not teachable and creates problems in the church.

Every one thinks they know how to be a pastor or what the pastor should do or not do, but until the Lord ordains you for that role and has put you in those shoes, you will not have the discernment on what to do! We are many members of the body of Christ and each has his or her own spot (if one is actually attending a church). Everyone has their respective roles to play and the Lord will enable and strengthen you in that respective role. Problems come in the church when someone says, I do not like being a hand and I want to be the head. If that was the case, where would the hands be to lift up the pastor, like Arron and Hurr? You follow? Remember the sin of satan..."I will make myself like the Most High." We must not think that we know the pastor's duties. If the pastor is hearing the voice of his Shepherd, then he will not what to do and how to lead. I by far do not have all the answers and I trust in my board, along with other godly ministers out there. In a multitude of counselors there comes forth wisdom!

 

[forevermemorable]

What does the church do ... when a member has a problem controlling his/her behavior ?

I wonder if it is possible that the experience of church fellowship might become less rigidly defined ... as the saints gathering once a week (or more) for joint worship. I wonder if the experience of church cannot be widened ... to possibly include those who might have a particular issue (at times) with full-time attendance. Someone up-thread suggested that the brother in question be included in some mens' outings.

That way, a member of the church can be retained, ... yet not be allowed consistent access to the general gathering ... during periods where his/her behavior is not conducive to a general meeting.

Oh yes, this brother has been invited on men's retreats (fully paid for by the church). I have spent time discipling, taking out to meals, loving on, going to his home, praying over. But, as the saying goes, you can only lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink it. The question really is, how much energy, time, money do you spend on one person who is not repenting, but instead wasting your time? How do you know when the person becomes a burden, rather than a blessing? Surely, a pastor or anyone for that matter cannot allow someone to gobble up all of his or her time with no real fruit and repentance, at the sacrifice of the rest of the sheep that want to grow in the grace and knowledge of Jesus, who are not creating problems, who need all the help they can get.

Each of us have been allotted so much time in a day and we are to be wise and good stewards of that time. Even with what we write here in these forums! If we spend our time on video games, Netflix, hobbies, sins, etc. than that time cannot be spending for the glory of the Lord, for His kingdom come on earth! This brother creates problems after problem and there comes a point in time that ties must be cut, in order to protect the rest of the sheep in the fold.

Since this brother will not repent or receive the correction, there is nothing else I can do as a pastor or as a Christian brother with him. I turn him over to satan, that his flesh be destroyed...I dust off the dust from my sandals...not happily, but sadden and grieving. This is loss and I feel it...I am not insensitive to this brother, for I have stood in the gap more than all others, but now it is time to focus on the rest of the sheep more so.

Since this brother will not receive sound godly advice, he is better equipped with the medical professionals that handle cases like this. Any sound church would have the same guidelines in play for someone that comes in their fellowship with mental problems. The church will try to minister to the person and keep a close eye on him for being disruptive and quenching the Holy Spirit, but by and large, there are medical professionals that God has gifted to handle cases like this. If there is a demon inside, than that is a whole different story, but that is clearly not the case with this brother.

 

[forevermemorable]

Listen to this text conversation with this brother (I changed the names to protect identity)...

"Oh buy the way Fred and Ed are the ones who let me know today how they feel. They were annoyed I was happy sweeping and smiling. They thought it was weird to be so happy at church. Ed asked me if I was on medication. What a joke that craker head needs to know weare supposed to be joyfull at church. Ed needs help not me. I already forgave all of you. Just letting you know I'm a brother. In need of the same respect as everyone else their."

"In other words if I'm happy and smiling it means I love Jesus . So no I'm not the problem. It's the dead heads in your church that have the problem. Bunch of gossiping whimps. I'll try to get along if they do. It's up to them. This isnt your fault at all. It is their fault. Anyone disturbed by my happiness attending church."

"Real funny I accused Fred of stealing money from me and he got highly elevated. What a joke I hope he robs you guys blind. Because you think I'm crazy to. you must think I'm crazy. I accuse Charlie of stealing money and he gets highest honors. Good for you!"

"So if I'm treated different like a freak because I smile and talk about Jesus at church then I guess you can have that mortuary and lead it to. So your on notice now. If I'm not treated like a trusted brother I'm not welcome. I dont need this in my life now. It ceases now."

I respond back:
"Okay Lester. I don't want you coming to church in a manic state. When you are mentally sober, humble, and ready to be used by the Lord, willing to submit to authority, please come and present your offering at church...you are more then welcome. I have tried and tried to lift you up, with open arms, but you have allowed satan to fill your head with confusion, resentment, and bitterness.

When you are ready to humble yourself in the side of the Lord, you are more then welcome to come back to the church family. I love you brother and pray for the renewal of the mind with you. With God, all things are possible.

Lester continues on...

"Hey b**ch I'm not crazy you punk"

"Who in the hell told you I was crazy you lousy b**ch"

"Okay you just kicked me out of your church. Your lose"

"AKYou told me to come to church when I'm not crazy anymore. You all are like weirdos now. Have fun you punk. Hahahahaha. You kicked me out of church. That's all on you. I hope you never treat anyone like you and pastor dan treated me by being gossipers"

"You need a wake up call from Jesus. No love at all from your hostile attitude your always just as nothing g to me now. I'll still pray for your lousy attitudes at your church"

"I will never attend your church again. You will answer to God for kicking me out . I shake the dust off my feet from your unwelcoming church . Your loss. Now your in hot water with Jesus you definitely need a attitude adjustment for sure. I'm sorry your you. I hope you repent for kicking someone out of church for no reason at all.hahahahaha. think about it punk. What have I done wrong at church? Well? No answer needed."

I write back:
"I forgive you Lester and I love you."

Lester continues on...

"Well you kick me out of church and forgive me. Forgive me for what? What harm have I caused your church? I forgive you. You have the forgiveness backwards. You kicked a real Christian out of church. I forgive You"

"I called you a b**ch and punk because it fits you well. Handle your punishment for kicking me out. I forgive you. Will Jesus smile on you now?"

"Carefully choose your words carefully when you defame me at your church for being a crazy man. And weird and all hyped up full of joy at church. I really hope you know what you did to me by letting everyone know I'm a psycho. Your really in trouble dude. I'm shocked at you"

END OF DIALOGUE!

You want to know when that took place??? Last August! I did not mention this disruption or behavior to the church! Then three months ago, Lester comes back to the church saying that he has fully repented. I gladly took him back in.

And then, history repeated itself, just not in text form, but over the phone, just the other day. Welcome to the world of a pastor! Where everyone's aggression and anger at God get vented at the closest person someone can attack. Did you know statistically, that the profession of a pastor is valued just above that of a car salesman?

There is an expression that says, "Its a blessing to see you come and its a blessing to see you go." I will not exert any more energy, efforts, time, attention, or money to this brother...no more pearls before swine! I have so many more in the church to love on and focus on. If anything, this thread has allowed me to think through my thoughts to see the bigger picture.

 

[Paidiske]

Any sound church would have the same guidelines in play for someone that comes in their fellowship with mental problems.

Actually, that's really not the case. I gave you an example upthread of an alternative approach I've seen work well.

Accusing someone who has mental illness of having "allowed Satan" to create their problems is pastorally problematic, too.

And while I understand your defensiveness as a pastor, on this I speak as one pastor to another; I'm not taking pot shots from the peanut gallery with no idea of the reality.

 

[The Liturgist]

Actually, that's really not the case. I gave you an example upthread of an alternative approach I've seen work well.

Accusing someone who has mental illness of having "allowed Satan" to create their problems is pastorally problematic, too.

And while I understand your defensiveness as a pastor, on this I speak as one pastor to another; I'm not taking pot shots from the peanut gallery with no idea of the reality.

Indeed, and you excel at pastoral care and safeguarding. @forevermemorable one thing you should feel confident about is Paidiske’s advice regarding this kind of issue, because in general, the standards of training for safeguarding in the Anglican Communion are incredibly good. And what is more, from my interaction with @Paidiske as a colleague, my impression of her is that she cares about what is best for everyone in the congregation individually and as a whole, and she opposes pretty much everything I oppose in terms of “church discipline” and various forms of psychological abuse that are tolerated and even encouraged in some churches which degenerate into cults.

If ever I had a serious pastoral care issue, @Paidiske would be someone whose advice I would take seriously. Another would be a friend of mine who is a retired Episcopalian priest who was one of the last traditional priests in his diocese. He has fantastic pastoral care skills. I disagree with the theological direction in some of the Anglican churches (not Paidiske’s, her church is one that I like), but the Anglican Communion consistently excels at charitable work and these days is at the forefront of safeguarding and professionalism in pastoral care, in particular, many of the Anglican churches are in my experience extremely good at providing pastoral care to people with mental illness while also, without intruding into the sphere where licensed mental health clinicians, psychiatrists, counselors, psychologists, social workers and other specialists work, I have seen several cases in the US where charities that provide mental health services free of charge, which are funded largely by the Episcopal Church, often have offices adjacent to Episcopal churches, and Episcopal clergy such as my retired friend were very talented at connecting people with whatever support they needed. This also included many other services, including emergency housing, homeless shelters, community food banks, social workers, the whole nine yards, basically. I don’t know if Paidiske gets involved in any of that in Australia because of the extreme difference in how healthcare operates there vs. the US, but in the specific conditions in the US where mentally ill people as well as homeless, elderly, disabled and vulnerable can fall through the cracks in our health care system, I have seen the Episcopal Church refer these people to properly licensed professionals in the charity and public sector who have made a difference. I know several social workers at different hospitals in the Southwest, and even in hospitals associated with another denomination, there tends to be a very positive impression of the Episcopal Church.

 

[The Liturgist]

Listen to this text conversation with this brother (I changed the names to protect identity)...

Interestingly enough the Roman Catholic church uses psuedonyms to refer to penitents who have committed sins which result in excommunication that has to be lifted by the Pope, for example, theft and desecration of a consecrated Host. There is a department in the Vatican called the Apostolic Penitentiary which exists solely to de-excommunicate people who repent of these things, but to ensure that the seal of the confessional is not broken, the priest who interacts with the penitent refers to them using a psuedonym, and this psuedonym is used in all correspondence regarding the case. This is actually an ancient practice.

However, one still has to be careful when discussing publically a private matter even with psuedonyms, because you don’t know who is reading what, and people can guess. The aforementioned letters to and from the Apostolic Penitentiary in the Vatican are themselves sealed and handled in a confidential manner so that access to them is restricted to appropriate people.

Note by the way I am not endorsing the Roman Catholic system of excommunication latae sentenciae reserved to the Pope, nor am I critiquing it, merely citing it as an ancient example of communication concerning delicate issues of pastoral care.

When it comes to these questions, I myself am driven by three considerations: the importance of Christian charity (e.g. what would the Apostles do?), my own limitations, that is to say, doing no harm, and especially, doing no harm by infringing on the professional competencies of mental health practitioners and social workers, who have training I lack, and also mandatory reporting (we had this in the UCC and I still would follow the same rules now, which is to say, if a youth or other vulnerable person told me that someone was abusing them, most denominations in the US require that to be reported to the authorities), and lastly, discretion is the better part of valor, which means I don’t otherwise discuss what people talk to me about privately with a third party, and take such steps as are commonly practiced to ensure the legal protections of the pastor-penitent relationship are in effect.