How to handle grandparent showing favoritism

[beth34]

Unfortunately my mom has always showed favoritism when it comes to my children and my sister's children. Even though my kids and my sister's kids are around the same age and we all live right next door to her, for some reason she has always been closer to my neices. She denies it and says I make a mountain out of a mole hill, but I can't help it sometimes. Even other people notice it, but somehow my mom doesn't see where she does it. So aggravating!!! But what can I do? Just accept it. Guess there's no other choice. I try to avoid arguments with her, but sometimes I can't keep it all in. It's always been this way and will continue to be this way. My children even notice it. I know she loves them but I just wish she treated them all the same.

 

[Niffer]

In what ways does she show favouritism?

 

[beth34]

Really too many things to mention. Just a few - my sister has 4 kids and I have 2. Every weekend, my two oldest neices spend the night with my mom Friday through Sunday, no questions asked. If my two ever want to spend the night with her, they have to ask. It's just an assumed thing that my two neices will be there every weekend. My mom takes my sister's kids to places and doesn't bother asking my two if they want to go. She buys things for my neices when she goes shopping even when I'm with her!! I guess she feels guilty about it and she will give me money and tell me to buy my two something with it. That just doesn't have the same meaning. If my mom is ever around any of her friends or family members, she always talks about my sister's kids but never hardly mentions mine. She kept my sister's first baby full time for two years and I always felt guilty for asking her to keep mine even just for an hour or two - she'd say something like "Your not going to be gone long are you?" I could go on and on, but I'll stop right here. It's just been things going on like this for the past 11 years. There's just always been a difference shown in many ways and it just saddens me that it has to be this way. Maybe I do take things too seriously, I don't know. I just can't help it.

 

[Lena75]

I know how you feel. There's not really a whole lot you can do, really. In my case, I have just learned to let it go. Yes, your kids are going to notice. Mine have. Then they sometimes have a way of being brutally honest by asking or saying things themselves. Like how come (other cousins) get to sleep over but we don't? The answer: ask grandma. I have an autistic son and before, he didn't care if he could or could not sleep over at grandma and grandpa's. Or anyone's house for that matter. Well, now he's becoming more aware and he wants to go spend a night over there! The only time he's spent any nights was when there was a medical emergency with my other son. Many moons ago and still in diapers. He's 15 now.

It is too bad when the grandparents don't seem to treat all the grandkids fairly. You are NOT taking things too seriously. Maybe one day your mom will come around and realize what she's missing out on.

 

[hedrick]

[deleted]

 

[c1ners]

I know how you feel. My parents favor my youngest sister's boys. It's aggravating, and it's sometimes, but we just deal with it. I think it's hardest on the other children (actually, none of them are children anymore, they are all grown). But my parents practically raised my sisters oldest boy, so I know they have a soft spot for him that they don't for the others. It does cause family problems though. Try not to allow it to make you bitter.

 

[chrisb13]

I am sure she loves your kids and your sister's the same. Kids are different and maybe your mom sees that some of them especially girls, need little more attention than the others.

 

[hedrick]

I am sure she loves your kids and your sister's the same. Kids are different and maybe your mom sees that some of them especially girls, need little more attention than the others.

I wish things were so simple. People are attracted to others. It's quite possible that a grandparent could feel closer to one kid than another, while still loving them all. It's also possible that for some reason she actually can't warm up to one kid, and isn't handling it ideally. Lots of people make mistakes. Being a grandparent doesn't make you perfect.

We're going to have to trust the OP to understand or find out what the situation actually is. Ideally you'd be able to assure the kid that the grandparent loves them, even if they didn't show it the same way But that may not be the case. Fortunately the OP isn't in Lena75's position of having the son be autistic. With some kids you can just kind of hint at things and be diplomatic. If my one experience with a kid who has Asperger's is typical, trying to be diplomatic is just going to confuse him. If it's bothering him, you may well have to figure out exactly what's going on with the grandparent and talk about it clearly, even if you'd personally rather beat around the bush.

 

[Grace51]

well. i think i am my maternal grandmother favourite. but that said, my grandmother do not do anything openly to favour me. when i was growing up, she would staff pocket money in my pocket in private, but that's it.

i think some times some of the favouritism could have been resulted from the amount of time grandparents spent bonding with their grandchildren when they were born. the more time you spent to bond with a child the more you love them. this applies to parents as well.

i know just because she feel closer to you nieces is no excuse for her to openly show favourtism like that.

but in end of the day. you cant force your mother to do anything. you can only have a talk with her and let her know your position. then pray and hopefully she will change.

 

[homeofmew]

It may because you live so close and she has "I can spend time with them anytime"
this however isn't true. Things were like this when I lived near my other family members, we only saw each other twice a year, but now that i live 1600 Miles away they ask me to visit every time I talk to them. Don't make it about the money or the items either, make it about having a relationship - as for the asking thing, well you live next store right? If someone far away visits you you assume they are gonna stay overnight right?

 

[Diane_Windsor]

I think you are being unfair towards your mother for coming on a public message board and accusing her of favoritism when she is not here to defend herself or tell us her side of the story. Have you tried having a calm and rational discussion about your concerns with your mother? Have you tried looking at this situation through her eyes? Have you discussed this with a family counselor? What steps have you taken to help resolve the issue?