How to handle friend's abusive wife?

[Scowletta]

When I married my husband, I married into a wonderful family of friends. Everyone got along, everyone laughed, it was a love fest every time we got together.

A few years ago, one of these friends married - they were both in their 40's & the wife seemed like a gem. She & I had so much in common & I thought I'd acquired a "soul sister". Two years after they were married, they had a child. Things seemed to be happy.

But about a year ago, the wife began telling me that the husband, my husband's friend, wasn't making a good enough living for her. He's an attorney for the indigent and will never be living in a mansion, but he makes a decent living. His wife disagrees. She had a business of her own that she sold when she married him because she explained that she didn't plan to marry an attorney & have to work for a living. She sings in various coffee houses around town, trying to get her "career" off the ground, while her husband baby sits their daughter.

There are many problems. For one thing, she's told me she's "giving it 5 years" for the husband to make more money and then "it's over". She says things like, "I never thought I'd be married to a lawyer & have to work". She has made me her unwilling confidante & I've avoided her as much as possible. Now, her unhappiness has escalated. Our group cannot get together without having to tolerate her nagging her husband, criticizing him mercilessly, and trying to get us to "talk to" him.

This last 4th of July was a nightmare. We had them all at our house & she went into a tirade about his "failure to plan" a family. She yelled at him in front of us & this man just let her abuse him. She just spent $5,000 on a trip to Australia (she said HE couldn't afford to go with her) for a month, & yet she is saying things about HIM.

My husband was offered a better job recently & her response was "You'll never hear about that happening to US; ***** would never think of trying to better himself." She later commented, "I'm trying to teach my child French, hoping she'll be better than her father." This was at our dinner table!!!

When I first met her, I loved to hear her sing. It was a novelty. But now, she brings her guitar to every home, takes over the talking & visiting that we used to enjoy, and sings at the top of her lungs. (Did I mention the woman can't really sing?) It would be funny if it weren't so pathetic.

Now I cannot be in the same room with her. I've no use for her. I just want to slap her. We hate to go over to their home anymore because we know we'll have to hear her gripe.

How am I to handle this woman? She emails me weekly about her husband. My husband hates her. And the thing is, I really don't know if anyone else in our group has noticed this & has feelings about it either way. No one has ever complained. I'm at the end of my tether. HELP!!!!

 

[bliz]

Oh, my!

I'm trying to think "What would be the most loving thing to do?" and there is no easy answer! And it all blurs with social rules and good manners...

If you are willing to risk losing your friendship with her, and therefore possibly her husband and risk becoming more iinvolved with her at the same time... you could lay it on the line. Get together with her alone someplace - a public place would probably be best - for coffee or whatever... and unless I'm way off base, her familiar refrains are bound to come up in conversation. When she starts to trash him you could say something to the effect of "Oh, Marci, I wish you wouldn't say such hurtful things about Jack! He's been such a good friend of Pete's and we care a great deal about him, and it just hurts me to hear such harsh things said about him."

That's likely to end the relationship... or, she may fall apart and say that she knows she shouldn't do those things but she doesn't know how to stop... and then you will end up being much more involved. If she has grown up in a family where people act this way, between that and her need for attention, she may not have a clue that her words and actions are considered offensive by the other people present.

I suspect that she is lonely (chasing people away tends to do that to a person) and hurting - her marriage has not turned out like she planned and she cannot see beyond her own pain and frustration to imagine how she might sound to others and her husband. Becasue everyone is polite, no one has called her on her outrageous behavior. But this goes beyond manners...

Let's reverse things. If a woman had been part of the group and she married a guy who berated her in front of all her old friends, what would our response be? Would we be more inclined to speak up then or speak to him later "You know Jack, you shouldn't talk like that to your wife, and certainly not in front of other people!" Or would we be as likely to say nothing? I don't know...

Before you do anything, you need to pray about this a great deal, and when and if you go to say anything, have some friends praying at that same time.

Sorry I haven't been much help... I hurt for your friend! His life must be very unhappy.

 

[TwinCrier]

I didn't know what to say until I read where Bliz wrote:

Let's reverse things. If a woman had been part of the group and she married a guy who berated her in front of all her old friends, what would our response be?

I admit, if the tables were turned I would feel the need to say something about the verbal abuse. men deserve the same consideration.

 

[desi]

Best for you and your husband to get real with her husband so he isn't blind sided sooner or later.

 

[rainbowprism]

If she considers you two to be friends, you need to call her out on this. She might not like to hear it but tough for her.

 

[HumbleBee]

Psalm 47:1-3 Clap your hands, all you nations; shout to God with cries of joy. How awesome is the LORD Most High, the great King over all the earth! He subdued nations under us, peoples under our feet.


Psalm 113:2-3 Let the name of the LORD be praised, both now and forevermore. From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the LORD is to be praised.

 

[Scowletta]

Have I tried WITNESSING to her? Forgive me, but this woman already deems herself a Christian & I hardly think she'd listen. If she shows no respect for her husband, something the Bible teaches we do, what makes you think she's going to change with witnessing?

After I posted my original question, I did some thinking. I believe this woman has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. There are other incidents with her that lead me to believe this. I've talked to her one on one before about her husband's salary, but it goes in one ear & out the other. She is truly not interested in (not really) in JESUS. A Narcissist doesn't think anyone else has any marbles, hence no authority. No one to keep them in check, because they (narcissist) know best. This is her demeanor in everything. The other night at our dinner party, she even interupted my saying Grace when I had just started it & began talking over me with her own blessing! Everyone at the table was stunned.

The more I think about it, the more I believe that she needs to be called down for her behavior the next time it happens. Let HER see how it feels to be embarrassed. Her child is out of control & I believe that's a sign that the child is already reacting to the hostility at home.

 

[Angelface007]

Dear Heavenly Gracious Father,

I ask you Father to embrace your love around this woman! Help her to see Father, the examples of love from other married women! Help her Father to be a better wife, to be loving , kind and effectinate. Help her Father to be a truely good wife! If by any means Father she's not getting the attention that she longs for Father.... plz provide her the attention that she desires, that is from your love and grace! If she is dealing with problems in her life Father that only you know about! I ask you Lord, to help her to let go and let you have the complete attention. So she can be a better daughter to you, a better wife to her husband, a better mother to her child, and a better sister/friend to others. Only you God really know whats taking place in this womans life! " I know first hand God, that its not always easy being married. Especially to a someone that shows little affection, and love." I pray God for her husband... plz give him understanding to seek you Father! Help Him Father to not let this kind of behavior contuine! Help Him Father to Be a Man of His House, by putting you first! Give unto him Father the means to help his wife through your love , his love, and through your love, tough love! That through tough love he as Man of the house.. show him Father within your word that through YOU he has to be the leader in his home, not her! The disrespct that she is showing, is not of love. So God, I ask you to plz remove from that home Satan.. Satan is the enemy among them, but through you by choice he can be removed! Help this family Father to see how blessed they are to have each other! Help them to grow spiritually together in your love! Help them Father, to see that the things of this world is not of importance...... as the meaning to have some to love. Money will be here and gone tomorrow..... but love outlastest what money can not buy! Love is bought without a price! For You ( Father ) paid that price for us, when you died on the cross for us! It's such ashame Dear God... to see what pain this is causing for so many..... but especially Father to this young child! I ask you God to embrace her tightly. Wrap your arms around her! Give her the love she needs Father, equally and jointly Father from her parents! Help them to see that , this child is hurting. That she's learning by their actions! Help them Father to think before they act! If anything Father help them to see you and your love Father through the eye's of this child...... I ask you Father this in Your Holy Precious Name! Amen

 

[bliz]

If your intent in calling her on her behavior is to embarass her, you are out of line.

If you wish to help her, and therefore will privately call her on it, that is another matter. If you cannot speakk to her out of love and concern for her and her family, you should not be the one to do it.

You may very well be right about her psychology, in which case she needs professional help, although I doubt if she'll it that way.

 

[Scowletta]

Bliz:



If my intent was to embarrass her, and not speak to her "in love", I wouldn't have posted my question in the first place. I wrote that I wanted to slap her - that doesn't mean I'll carry out that action.

This is a tight situation. Knowing this woman as I do, there is NO WAY she will take whatever anyone says to her "in love". Whatever ANYONE says, she will react in anger and self-righteousness.

She has expressed to me that she considers it "a moral issue" (her words) that her husband isn't earning what other attorneys in our area are earning. She doesn't see that he is in an area of law that isn't going to make anyone rich, but he is performing a service that he strongly believes is an American privilege: the right to be represented in court. He is a very humble man & she doesn't like humble.

A little background on him: he witnessed his parents gunned down in a convenient store robbery when he was 10 & lay in the floorboard of the car in terror until the robbers fled. He & his sister were raised by foster parents until he went to college. He has taken care of his schizophrenic sister since she was 16; he now pays a group home for her care, since she burned his house down 15 years ago. He has that expense, as well as his wife & child. His wife wants to put her sister-in-law in a state home, which I've seen & it's a snake-pit dump. He is totally against it. She is complaining that he "only makes $50,000 a year", which is good money in my book. It's certainly more than my husband & I make together. In my opinion, she's whining about a dollar when others don't have a dime.

Frankly, I think the woman needs an intervention, but that would be a powder keg. I've emailed her about how I feel before, saying it hurts to hear her humiliate him but she continues to do so. In fact, it's escalating, as if she's getting braver & braver. I'm afraid he'll have a heart attack - he looks bad. And he needs to know that his friends support him. Yet, HOW to verbalize without tearing up this group of friends - and without making her feel she has been attacked & therefore, needs to "retaliate" against the "messenger" is the challenge.

 

[HumbleBee]

Didn't know she claims to be a Christian. By witnessing, I meant bringing her into an encounter with the living Christ, who will transform her from the inside out!

 

[bliz]

I'm sorry if I jumped to conclusions about your motivation.

Do you know what, if anything, her husband is doing about her behavior? Does he confront her? How has that gone down?

I do not see an easy or happy ending to this situation. I'm afraid if you try an intervention, she will react badly and break off relations with this group of people, leaving the husband without his friends and I have got to believe that he needs friends in a big way right now!

Have you tried video taping a gathering? Say that you want to get the hang of the camera before a trip or something... and get a lot of footage of her doing her thing. After the event, offer her a copy of the tape. Perhaps if she hears and sees herself, she will get a major wake-up call.

I cannot imagine how frustrating and painful this is for you and I'm sorry I don't have any great suggestions. Just pray, pray and keep on praying!

 

[Scowletta]

Bliz:



My husband says that his friend isn't the type to confront her for what she's doing & that if he (husband) ever knew that someone stepped in on his affairs he would be furious. He's a very proud man. He doesnt' ever say anything bad about ANYONE. I've never heard the man say an unkind word in the 17 years I've known him.

Yet, on the other hand, my husband agrees with me that she is acting horribly & we shouldn't have to hear her criticisms. He agrees that we should speak up at the next gathering when she starts in on her husband & tell her we don't want to hear it.

You know what is very ironic is that the wife professes to be a Christian, makes a big deal about "raising my child in the Christian faith", and the husband is a Jew - who is an atheist, reasons being what I wrote about his background earlier. He said he prayed & prayed as a boy & God never answered. The rest of us in our group are Christian & have seen him as a paradox, as he is truly the most Christ-like person we've ever known, in spite of his disbelief. He is loving, giving, never says an unkind word about anyone, never loses his temper - almost not human. Our group has worked for years on bringing him to the Lord.

And when he met this woman, he just bloomed during their courtship & up to their marriage. He was even going to church. Then she just turned on him. She never smiles, never compliments him. No positive feedback from her at all. He can't do anything right in her eyes & is suddenly a "slob" with a "disgusting weight problem" who "is unfit as a husband & father" (her quotes). But she married him after a year of courtship & he was overweight, so she knew full well who she was marrying. Now, his church attendance is zero.

The video is a good idea, but I don't have a camcorder. Maybe I could borrow one from some friends. Still, I think the best thing to do is call her down in a gentle way in front of everyone & say, "Please no more, it hurts us to hear you talk about **** like this & please make your complaints to him & work out your problems in private; I love you, but I cannot bear hearing this; if **** were doing this to YOU, I'd stand up for YOU, as well."

Last night, my husband suggested the men in the group go on a "for men only" weekend somewhere & I fully support that. I even offered to "go out of town" & stay with friends for the weekend to let them have our house, if money was a problem for anyone. They could do "guy stuff" & listen to the husband if he wanted to talk.

 

[bliz]

A guys weekend sounds like a great retreat for the husband!

If your group often gathers at your house, you and your husband are in a position to, perhaps in a jesting way at first, to declare your home a Be Kind to Spouses Zone. You could remind each other that you are in "the Zone".

Perhaps you could introduce sharing games where everyone shares their answer to questions like : If you could have a week's vacation anywhere in the world, where would you go? What are the three best things about ____ (do every person in the group) What made you fall in love with your spouse? What's the best dinner you ever had? etc. etc. It might be good for her to hear how other people regard her husband, and good for him to hear those things as well.

I tend to be a very direct person - which sometimes gets me in trouble, but often it heads things off at the pass, and faciliatates communiction. I probably would have confronted her a long time ago - for better or worse.

I like your speech... Pray about giving it, and ask that God would show you if and when to make it. Clearly to sit by and say nothing is not right. I think that gently confronting her may be the most loving thing you can do.

 

[HumbleBee]

Was thinking about your friend...he so Christian like and yet all he went through ...certainly sounds like a Job experience! God allowed Satan to attack Job BECAUSE he was righteous. The devil's purpose being to get Job to turn against God. In terms of such tragedy and hardship in this man's life...especially about his parents...it wasn't God's Will that they be ...it was a result of man's freewill, a result of living in a fallen world. God cannot give freewill and at the same time prevent people from exercising it however they choose. Maybe his sister's problems have to do with extreme mourning for their parents? Would stand to reason, maybe in his anguish and or anger your friend couldn't hear God and was understandably unconsolable, refusing to be comforted.

Exodus 6:9 And Moses spake so unto the children of Israel: but they hearkened not unto Moses for anguish of spirit, and for cruel bondage.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5 Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ.

 

[Scowletta]

EXCELLENT suggestion, Bliz! The word games are a great idea! And, yes, I WILL pray before my speech. It occurred to me last night that my friend might just be wondering to himself, 'What sort of friends do I have who don't speak out for me here?' For that reason, I feel I have to say something to discourage her from ridiculing him anymore.