Does it seem to you your husband continues to act much like an addict even though he isn't taking drugs?
The isolation, fear of you telling his secrets to others, the demand for your instant attention all kind of sound more like an addict who just so happens not to currently be taking drugs, rather than a healthy person who has actually worked through their addiction problems.
I would encourage you and for that matter him, to both seek support, social interaction and indeed full blown counseling. He will probably say that he doesn't need or want help, but the facts are that he has shown already he isn't capable of taking this on by himself.
What you have on your hands seems to be a very ill person, your husband someone in serious need of help but afraid to get it.
As a good wife, you seek help. Go to that support group, find out how to help yourself and him. Encourage him to also get help. Don't be secretive, don't be isolated. Time for all this to come out in the open where it can be dealt with.
It won't be easy, it's even fairly likely that he will be so afraid of facing this that he will leave. Show him love, encourage him, but you can't follow him down the addict's path.
Marv
Marv
You seem wise about addiction. I have said many times that he is alot the same only not taking drugs. All the issues are still there and not dealt with. His sobriety is like a time bomb to me and he cant see that he is just one second away from using. He is a meth addict. He has been through teen challenge, that was before I met him, he had been clean for 2 years when we got married, I met him when He was clean, never saw that side to him, he was my brothers best friend but I never met him as I lived 3 thousand miles away when my brother and him were in high school together. When he was in teen challenge, they discovered that he could work on cars really well so they took him out of the curriculum and put him in the shop and he graduated from that program without doing any of the program, they used him and he ONCE AGAIN was able to manipulate to get out of doing what he didnt want to do, only shooting himself in the foot cause he really missed out of working on himself. Then he relasped about 2 years after we got married, and stopped on his own, it was a short time out. Then in 2005 (we were married in 98) he relapsed and it was a nightmare, our lives went insane, I ended up throwing him out after finding his meth pipe, he had been denying it until then. I had been a stay at home mom for 7 years so didnt have a job, we had a mortgage and car payments, we lost our home and all our cars everything and I was pregnant, it was a real nightmare. I moved in with my daughter in Hawaii, I had full custody and had divorced him. He didnt want to stop, and I couldnt stop him and he was becoming very scarey to be around. He ended up get sick and tired of being sick and tired and went into a program, he left that one and went into another one ended up out of that one, there was alwys a reason to leave, someone wasnt doing something right, everything is always someone elses fault, never his. A pattern learned my his parents, he never had to take responsibility, they even blamed me for him going back on drugs, when obviously it was his choice. In explaining all this I left out that I had got a job while pregnant, and had health insurance and helped him get into another program, he had to leave that one after 2 weeks cause the insurance wouldnt pay for anymore and he ended up using again while in my house that I was renting, I had to throw him out again. I cant fix him, I am feeling angry as I go through all this to write it. I let him manipulate me once again. When I was Hawaii, he would call me and after he got out of the last program he moved to florida near his aunt and cousins that were all Christians, he started going to Church, got a job and was getting his life back together. He seemed to be really getting back with the Lord, but he had selfish motives that I didnt realize, I was sooo naive to the addict ways of thinking. I think his intentions were good, like the child who promises to clean there room for a week to get allowance and then doesnt follow through, they mean it but just dont do it. He getting close to God for himself, to get right with the Lord and to please the Lord, he was doing it to get me and the kids to come back, to fill his void he had. Well he would call me and talk about nothing but the Lord, how much God was doing for him, and everything was about God, I was thrilled!!!!!! He was telling me everything I wanted to hear cause he knew that I still loved him and really wanted a Christian husband that loved the Lord with all his heart and was on fire for God and was going to be a Spiritual leader. I had always had to be the spiritual leader, he never was. Once I decided to come to Florida and work things out once I got here, everything was great at first, we even got remarried, but after he had me back, no more Bible reading, nothing about God, no praying everynight. If I dont get everyone up for Church we dont go. I do the devotionals with the kids, like last night I said why dont you come with me to the kids room and do the devotional with us, he said I can hear you from here (the couch). FAR different than the man on the phone 6000 miles away trying to convince me to come back to him. I feel very manipulated. Another promise he made was to not yell at the kids, that is a deal breaker, he was sooooo bad about that when he was using. I said I wont tolerate it, it tramatizes them, brings them right back to all the terror we went through that they remember. He yelled at them the other day and I stopped him and he got mad at me, everything he promised went out the window and now that he has his family back, he is still miserable inside, but like I said, he wants to get all his happiness from me. I AM TIRED!!
Nothing will stop me from going to that support group, I need to start taking care of me. I still feel confused about what is taking care of me and what is being self centered. I know as a wife I am supposed to die to self and be there for my husband, I feel I have done that above and beyond and he is still not happy with anything.
I lose myself around him. Last night he was watching TV, I wanted to read my book, I walked across the livingroom, picked up my book and went back to the couch, he was sitting in the chair and he immediately said what are you doing, I said I was going to read my book, his whole demeanor changed, cause I wasnt doing what he wanted me to do, what does it matter if I am reading a book or staring at the TV with him, he feels rejected when I focus on something else, every move I make I feel is watched and judged, I cant breath. I got on the computer for a second to check my email and he said can you tear yourself away from the computer for just a second, I just got on! I cant breath.
I am sorry for venting soooooo much, it feels good though I must say! LOL
I feel guilty cause I regret remarrying him. I had 35,000 I saved from selling the house we had , we each ot 35,000, he blew all his on drugs, I saved mine and when I came to florida I bought the house we live in now, I could have started over on my own, but now I am back in all his drama, I know that isnt Christ like thinking, I am no where near where God wants me to be either. I guess that is why I really need this support group too, I need someone to help lift me up as well.
He talked him into going fishing this morning, he used to love it and I thought it would be good for him to do something fun that he enjoys that isnt about me, and that is also why I was able to write this today instead of Monday.
