How To Continue On

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

I just found out yesterday that my bf has been lying to me to cover up something that he was afraid that I would get mad at. It wasn't worth his lying over-it really wasn't that big of a deal. Yet, because he lied about it he turned it into a really big deal.I have big issues with trust, and now everything has come tumbling down. I have trusted that he is honest and truthful-that has helped me to learn to trust him more. Now, I am so afraid. I am afraid that if he lied about this, then has has lied about other things and will do so again.He lied because he was afraid that I would be mad at him, and I feel that this was selfish and showed a great flaw in his character. I have done things that would make him get upset and I told him. It was hard to tell, these things hurt....but I told him. Yet, here he is....lying to me to keep himself from my anger.I am very dissapointed and so hurt. He has told me that he would never lie to me, and I always had his word to bank on. Now, I don't even have that. I have major trust issues from my past that I have been trying to work on, and him, knowing that, still choose to lie about something....and he didn't even have a concience enough to tell me about it...somehow I caught him on it yesterday.This isn't so much about WHAT he lied about, but is about the fact that he lied when he knows I am trying to trust, and he has told me time and time again that he has never lied to me and so I should trust him.Can someone give me advice on how to continue on in all this? I love him, but now I am very afraid and all the trust that I have been trying to learn to give him...is starting to fade out of my fear that he will lie again. I am very dissapointed, hurt, and afraid.

 

[Inperfected]

Sweet heart... I can't really give good advice, because I've seen you hurt so often and confused, yet you won't leave. Lying is a big charcater flaw. Do you want to have yoour children born to a known liar?

 

[Arclight610]

Does he have a habit of lying? If it has become a habit then I would make a serious note about it. If this is just a one time thing, then let it be a one time thing. Forgive it and let him continue building trustworthiness reserves back up. If he does it again though, then you may want to take action. Everyone except Jesus has told a lie. Your BF has, I have, You have. It's the habitual liars that you need to worry about.

-TJ-

 

[f U z ! o N]

i was lied to over a period of 3 months by my ex girlfriend so i know where you are coming from with the hurt and pain. i would say forgive him but it honestly raises big red flags. if he can't be honest with you about EVERYTHING then theres gonna be problems. i am a big believer in trust and absolute honesty.

 

[peanutbutter12]

After reading your posts the last few months, I believe you need to be out of a relationship. You said yourself that you have trust issues many times in the past including this post. If you cannot learn to trust, than you cannot love, as love is trust. This will be an issue in every relationship you have until you pause and work on it, which you won't be able to do while you are in a relationship. It wouldn't be fair to the person you are with. And if you love this person as you say you do, why would you continue a relationship with so much untrusting, arguing, and hurt? If you do love this person, you need to step away from the relationship to save both your feelings, and take the time to work on yourself and help yourself get over these issues. Otherwise this issue will never change and you will continue down the same road you have been going down.

CJ

 

[keyz]

I think one thing to mention is that love does not equal trust. Love is not trust. I only say this because there have been events with people in my own life and it has come down to, I still love you in spite of what you have done, but I do not trust you, and becuase I do not trust you, I need to stay away from you for my own safety.

The problem with dishonest people is not so much that you can't love them because you can't trust them, but more of you can't be in a relationship with someone who is not trustworthy. Dishonest people are just not safe!

I just wanted to point that out as it can be easy to go down that road of beating yourself up thinking, "Oh, if I don't trust him then I must not love him fully." This is more of an issue of safety for your own heart than an issue with "love".

It sounds like this has happened more than once.. for the safety of your own heart, I think you need to make some distance.. whether that is for a term or permanent. Regardless, you need to protect and guard that heart of yours. It'd be stupid on your part to forget this and past cases and then fully entrust your boyfriend with your heart. It's okay to learn to trust him again, but as of now, he hasn't given you good reasons to trust him.

 

[SoC]

I think one thing to mention is that love does not equal trust. Love is not trust.

Correction to your correction.

[FONT=Arial, Geneva, Helvetica]4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love is trust. I'm not saying that if you trust someone you love them, but that if you love someone you trust them.

Starling, I've read several people's posts telling you to get out of this relationship. I believe I've even posted that. You are not happy in it and are constantly asking "what does this mean" or "what would you think if" type questions. Almost everyone but you has come to the conclusion that this guy is not the one for you. I personally think you are settling for less than God's best.

I believe you need to at least read these lyrics if you can't listen to the songs themselves. They are good and very applicable to your situation.

Wishes & Bowling Ball
[/FONT]

 

[ChildOfGod20]

I hate to say this but I kind of think you may have brought it on a little bit. I know you have trust issues but it is very important to get over them soon. Because if you make him feel like you cannot trust him, then he will most likely become a non-trustworthy person. However, if you show him that you do trust him 100% then he will most likely be very trustworthy. You see what I'm saying? I know you're trying to get over this trust issue that you have and I am not trying to make it harder for you here. But it is EXTREMELY important in a relationship for both of you to trust each other 100%.

 

[keyz]

Love is trust. I'm not saying that if you trust someone you love them, but that if you love someone you trust them.

That verse is talking about agape love, God's perfect love. With perfect love, the perfect person receiving the love can be trusted because he/she is perfect. We are to believe the best and trust that person unless they prove to us that they are not trustworthy. None of us are capable of perfect love because we live in a fallen world.

Okay so we are called to love our enemies. If you saw an enemy of yours brutally kill your family, and that enemy wanted to hang out with you on a Friday night and talk about religious things. It would not be loving for you to spend time with him and chat. That would be downright foolish because your enemy has proved he cannot be trusted! That doesn't mean you still don't love him, you just don't trust the guy.

That verse does not say "love is blind". We are not called to blindly trust someone.

The amplified bible says that love "is ever ready to believe the best of every person". The message says that love "trusts God always".

 

[keyz]

I hate to say this but I kind of think you may have brought it on a little bit. I know you have trust issues but it is very important to get over them soon. Because if you make him feel like you cannot trust him, then he will most likely become a non-trustworthy person. However, if you show him that you do trust him 100% then he will most likely be very trustworthy. You see what I'm saying? I know you're trying to get over this trust issue that you have and I am not trying to make it harder for you here. But it is EXTREMELY important in a relationship for both of you to trust each other 100%.

That makes no sense what so ever. You are saying to take responsibility for why he might feel that he can't be honest with her? If he's unable to be honest that is HIS problem, not hers!

I think she's communicated by her actions that she has believed the best in him.. That didn't help him though.. he was still dishonest.

 

[Johnnz]

Trust is incredibly strong, but if broken can be very hard to restore.

It will take some time for him to regain your full trust. Both will need to recognise that. Why he is afraid o fyoru nager may be worth following up with a mature third party. That may be his issue, yours, or a combination of the two.

John
NZ

 

[Inperfected]

"Without trust, there is no relationship"

Now that is a correct statement....

Just have a good hard hard think girl.

 

[Maeyken]

Is there a reason your bf might have been afraid to tell you the truth? Perhaps he is scared of your reaction (or over-reaction) to things in the past. I am not saying it was right of him to not tell you the truth, but if you make it very difficult for him to do so, then he is not going to feel like he can come to you and tell you things.

I have read many of your posts about your problems with your bf, and I think you need to take some time to yourself and work on your relationship with yourself. You mention so often that you have all these issues that you are working on. I have found it much easier to work on things within myself *by myself*... if you are trying to please someone else (ina relationship), you can't fully devote your efforts to yourself. Once you have worked through your issues, you will be in a much better position for a relationship.

 

[Hope_0004]

Yeah, I have to agree with others. It's extremely hard to work on yourself and serious issues while in a relationship, especially if the relationship is struggling so. I think if you can extract yourself (i.e., you are not married, you do not have children, etc.) and still survive, you should. But that's just me. I have no idea what he lied about, and sometimes, it does kind of matter what he lied about.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I don't know anything about other issues that you have been having with your bf, but I believe that it has been a serious relationship and probably deserves a trip to a trained counselor before throwing in the towel. It's a bit hard to answer without knowing more specifics.

I don't know if this is applicable, but there were a few things that I heard at a seminar last weekend that were worthwhile. First is that we recognize that our responses to situations are colored by all of our past experiences. Second, was for me to recognize that I often considered ending a relationship when I got hurt instead of working on the situation.