How soon can you know?

[bluegreysky]

If this guy is going to be "the one"
(and this is assuming that "the one" is safe to believe in)
how long should it take to figure that out?
I'm seeing things that I think are signs...
and it's only been 6 weeks.

for one, alot of people say "he's perfect for me"
and not just at church-
at the mall where I work,
at places we hang out...
all the way across the board pretty much.

for another, I keep having dreams at night
that we get married.

for a third thing,
I could really see this guy being there permanently
and it doesn't scare me
like a few of the others in the past
and he says the same.

Are these real signs?
or am I superstitious?

if 6 weeks is waaaaaaaaaaay too soon to know,
which it probly is,
then when is a better time? 6 months?

 

[Bootstrap]

You may well know - but I also think there is wisdom in getting to know each other really, really well before making decisions, because sometimes we think we know but we're wrong.

There are clearly marriages where people decided quickly and it worked out well, but in general, I would want to date at least a year before making such decisions. We dated for 3 years before we got engaged, I think we "knew" long before that, but it was important to see that we still knew when we knew each other very well.

 

[Windmill]

Well does he feel like your second half?

I think at that point that he is like your second half, you "know" that he is "the one". That generally takes awhile.

 

[The Nihilist]

You can't

 

[Highland Watchman]

Hm... well, it's possible that this is the case. Being affirmed by people around that you are perfect for each other and even dreams can be seen as something offering direction in certain other cultures and times in history. It is entirely possible to "know" very quickly that this is a God thing - both my fiancee and I know quite soon that there was something there that wasn't in other cases for both of us.

At the same time, I also urge caution. Sometimes when we want to see signs that something is the case, we go looking for signs and interpreting everything as signs that this person is "the one" or that we should go and do something (a mistake that I, myself, have made a few times).

Where I would sit on this, I would say it is a good thing to be thinking about and discussing the possibility of marriage. Maybe not actually pursuing it at this time, but at least talk about it and see if you both are thinking about it and finding out what it means, while still getting to know each other. Then, as the time goes on and you explore this area together, you can either be further affirmed that he IS right for you, or find out that he may not be the best. Then, if it does seem to be going in the direction of marriage, when the time is best (you will know that time when it happens) you will both decide that you are ready for the big step of actually crossing the threshold into married life.

 

[unkern]

If this guy is going to be "the one"
(and this is assuming that "the one" is safe to believe in)
how long should it take to figure that out?
I'm seeing things that I think are signs...
and it's only been 6 weeks.

for one, alot of people say "he's perfect for me"
and not just at church-
at the mall where I work,
at places we hang out...
all the way across the board pretty much.

for another, I keep having dreams at night
that we get married.

for a third thing,
I could really see this guy being there permanently
and it doesn't scare me
like a few of the others in the past
and he says the same.

Are these real signs?
or am I superstitious?

if 6 weeks is waaaaaaaaaaay too soon to know,
which it probly is,
then when is a better time? 6 months?

I told my wife when we had been courting for 3 weeks that I only planned for this relationship to go towards marriage. We got married a little over 4 months from there and would have actually done it sooner, but it would have been to hard to do while she was in the middle of the school semester. We've been married for almost a year and 3 months now.

Up until the Victorian period 1830 CE marriages were put together by the parents and you never really got a chance to know the person you were marrying until you were married. This was during a time when people rarely got divorced. Now most marriage is based on emotion and not commitment.

The best way for you to find out if this is the man to marry is to put all emotion aside and get serious about courting. Ask lots of questions, go to marriage counseling, serve the Lord together. Know that even with all that, and even if you were together for 5 years you will not truly understand until you are actually married.

 

[latteda]

I don't necessarily agree with the concept of "the one."

However, I know those who knew right away that they wanted to spend their life with a person, and they are still in very happy and healthy marriages. I personally believe you should get to know someone very well to make a commitment so huge, but that's not always the best for every couple. However, I don't think that your reasons for thinking he is "the one" sound like solid ones, to be perfectly honest.

People saying that you are perfect together means nothing. Dreams often don't literally mean anything but are a reflection of our thoughts and desires. Not being scared about the idea of him being a permanent part of your life could be an indicator, but it sounds like that needs to mature quite a bit...you have to absolutely KNOW that you KNOW that you want to spend the rest of your life with this person, in good times and bad. When you KNOW, there will likely be no questioning and no doubt...just confident assurance that it's the right thing. You probably won't have to ask other people, either.

But that's all just my opinion. Every relationship is different, and I don't claim to know all about other people's.

 

[Luther073082]

Really I don't think anybody can put a number on how soon you know.

I knew 4 months after I met Melissa, but I didn't ask until 3 months later. And the great news is that I feel more and more sure about it every day. Some people will know sooner some later.

I will say it shouldn't take longer then a couple years, if it does then usually the answer is no.

A good way to know better is to talk about marriage. Talk about your expectations, what you want out of marriage and possible future plans. Talk about finances and how the two of you will spend money. Talk about children, if you will have them, if so how many? And then how you will raise them. Talk about religion, what your doctrinal concerns are, what you need out of a church, and where you both may attend church after you are married. Talk about pets and everything.

You need to discuss those things that you want and your partner wants. This also means you not only need to know what you expect out of marriage but also know what you can accept and what you can't? You may have to give up on some of the things that you want because they won't work with what your partner wants. But you need to know where the line is, whats most important to you, and what can slide.

These discussions will help you know if everything is ok on the logistics end of marriage. Because love is the primary thing necessary for a successful marriage, but its not the only thing. Your lifestyles have to be able to mesh. Once you can figure out if the lifestyles would mesh, then you can decide a lot easier based on the chemistry you have, your ability to cooperate and solve problems, including problems between the two of you, and ultimatly your love for that person.

 

[latteda]

Great post, Luther.

I'd also advise you to make sure that you feel not only love and care for him, but also a very large amount of respect and trust. I don't mean to sound all June Cleaver, but is this someone that you would consider it a privilege to follow and to serve for the rest of your life? Also, does he respect you and is he going to be committed to making sacrifices for your relationship and your future family? These things are extremely important.

I think that was one thing that really showed me that I loved my BF. Even when I was frustrated at him or disagreed with the way he was doing things, I still trusted him and knew that I wanted to continue to love and, to some extent, follow his lead in our relationship.

 

[DanC922]

What's his character and relationship with God like? Does he show honor to women, self-controlled, a model of good works, in teaching shows integrity, dignity, and sound speech that cannot be condemned, love his wife as Christ loves the church (this means treating women who aren't his wife with dignity and respect, not putting his hands on them, leading them on, or treating them any different than his sister), as described of Godly husbands in 1 Peter 3, Titus 2, and Ephesians 5?

 

[bluegreysky]

uh... yeah I think so

Well I know that making the actual committment should take awhile, and if its goin in that direction I don't expect that he's gonna pop any questions for at least a year or so but I was just wondering if its possible after just a few weeks to know if I'm with the right guy and if I can expect that in some time in the future it will be a marriage thing...

 

[Bootstrap]

uh... yeah I think so

Well I know that making the actual committment should take awhile, and if its goin in that direction I don't expect that he's gonna pop any questions for at least a year or so but I was just wondering if its possible after just a few weeks to know if I'm with the right guy and if I can expect that in some time in the future it will be a marriage thing...

Well, sort of.

After the first date, you wonder, could I marry this person, and decide whether you want to have a second date.

After the second date, you wonder, could I marry this person, and decide whether or not to invest the time to get to know them really well.

After a few months, you wonder, could I marry this person, and decide whether to invest the next year in determining that.

After a year, you wonder, could I marry this person, and decide where to go from there, and in what timeframe.

If you ever stop thinking this is someone who might be worth marrying, stop.

Well, I actually think casual dating makes sense with little commitment to the process in the early phases. But if you're feeling committed, thinking it's very likely to be a marriage is really good. It still doesn't save you going through the other stages ...

Even when you get to where not being married yet is driving you nuts. Just ask me about that ;=>

 

[ido]

I knew within 3 weeks that I was in love with my BF (and he knew that quickly, too). At our 2 month "anniversary" he gave me a promise ring. We've been together just short of 4 months now and we are planning an April wedding (that is IF I say yes when he formally proposes ).

Every couple is different. I never thought I would meet someone and just know they were the right one for me - in fact, I posted that sentiment in a Singles thread shortly before meeting my BF! But, it happened and I'm not complaining about it.

Just go with your gut and if it feels right, it's probably right. Prayer is recommended, too.

 

[Luther073082]

blue. . . A few weeks. . . I think thats highly risky.

A few months is possible for some people. There has to be some time in there to really get a feel for someone's character.

On top of that, you will know a lot better after you have talks about the logistics of being married. I don't care who you marry there is going to be things that will have to be sacrificed to be married. It could be hopes or dreams, it could be certain career plans, it could be a sacrifice of where you want to live, it could be choice of churchs.

And most importantly in any healthy marriage you sacrifice of yourself and really of your freedom. When you are married you no longer belong to you anymore, you belong to that person as well. This means you can't just buy the things you want to buy you have consult on those things. (Especially if they are expensive). It means that you can't make a major, irreversable change to your looks without talking to your spouse.

The ultimate question that has to be answered is, "Is being married to this person worth the sacrifices that I will have to make?"

This is actually something Melissa and I talked about last night. Being single is making your own choices and having the freedom to do so. You can be your own person. That is a huge advantage of being single. When you are married, that isn't true anymore because you give half of you away to your spouse.

So do some investigating, and find out the answer to this question. "Do I want to give half of me, everything that I am, everything I want to be, everything I will ever accomplish over to this person?"

 

[ido]

My grandparents met and got married 10 days later - and have been married over 60 years now.

My parents met and married within 3 months - and have been married for almost 40 years now.

Neither couple came to the points they're at without their hardships, but they did come to the points they're at with a lot of dedication and perseverence to work through things in their marriages.

I'm not saying that everyone should rush in - obviously, they are more the exception than the norm. But, the key isn't so much in how much time you invest in knowing a person beforehand (you'll continue learning things about each other your entire lives) but more about how much effort/energy both parties are willing to put into the relationship to make it thrive and be successful. People can and do change after marriage. My ex was the model boyfriend, but was abusive as a husband. I have known him since I was 14 and we didn't date until we were in our mid-20s.

What about couples who are together for years before marrying then end up divorced? Did the length of dating/courting make a difference for them? I don't really think it did.

Again, I think it's a go with your gut thing. At least for me, I've always thought of my "gut instinct" as God's voice talking to me. Can we misinterpret or ignore it? Sure - happens all the time. But it's just one of the risks we take in finding a lifetime mate, IMO.

 

[bluegreysky]

Wow FL native that's great- I've seen you on CF in other places the last few years and I think I remember you talkin about wanting to meet someone...
well congratulations!.. from the other FL native.

 

[Bootstrap]

When my parents fell in love, my grandparents made them wait two years. I'm much more cautious than some here, but if I were getting engaged after four months or so, I would probably make it a long engagement. I'd like to get past that first phase of blind hormones and romance and work through some real difficulties before making this kind of decision.

Your mileage may vary.

And I have to admit, the blind hormones and romance phase took about 3 years for us ....

 

[ido]

Wow FL native that's great- I've seen you on CF in other places the last few years and I think I remember you talkin about wanting to meet someone...
well congratulations!.. from the other FL native.

Thanks.

 

[ido]

When my parents fell in love, my grandparents made them wait two years. I'm much more cautious than some here, but if I were getting engaged after four months or so, I would probably make it a long engagement. I'd like to get past that first phase of blind hormones and romance and work through some real difficulties before making this kind of decision.

Your mileage may vary.

And I have to admit, the blind hormones and romance phase took about 3 years for us ....

I don't really think there is a one size fits all answer to this question.

 

[Bootstrap]

I don't really think there is a one size fits all answer to this question.

I agree.

In a forum like this, I like to read different answers from different people, and get a feeling for different ways to approach a question.

I was trying to offer this as one possible approach that makes sense to me. I hope and expect that people will read the various answers here and figure out what is right for them.