I am editing this in...
Sorry I ranted like this... insted of deleting this post I am inserting this. As I look at what I wrote in my frustration and pain I don't feel that I expressed myself well and only made it appear it was others who were to blame. That is not so and I apologize for that.
God is permitting me to go thru so much more than this and I feel overwhelmed but have a sense of peace. Its strange but with whats facing me now I am trusting Him and seeing Him much differently. I am in a very dark moment and I finally find that inspite of so many things pressing down and attacking my life, my marriage and my family I stand steady and I lean to Him.
How much more does God want me to take??
I am worn out and drained.
I have tried with Gods help, counsel and many prayers on my behalf to be understanding, kind and even supportive of this particular person. I feel someone has been toying with my emotions and leading me on. One minute considerately discussing hope and trusting God to restore and reconcile and then suddenly the next day claiming that I am a disgusting controlling and unwell and never call back. It has gone back and forth several times and I am tore up inside.
I am hurt and confused. I have been making a conscious effort to try and be kind in spite of being mistreated. But now I feel my kindness was misinterpreted as weakness and I become something to be walked on. I am left with the taste of discarded muck and feel as I am scraped filth from the bottom of this persons shoe. But I am weary and I cant stand the lies and deceit. I hate being misled for the just to be goaded so they can cause me more pain and anguish. Its painful that I am coaxed into believing some more trust is built and I pour my soul out investing in communicating with deeply authentic cares and deeply personal feelings. Only to discover the individual was building false hope and trust and then WHAMMM BAMMM!!! Knocked right back on my no-good backside. Then I am facing accusations of being the evil one and that my kindness and restraint to respond inappropriately was only manipulation and that I am in fact leading them into a false security. Then I am informed that they were nice only because they were emotionally and psychologically weak. Then they tell me they should have never permitted me to speak to them. Here I wind up all of a sudden on the list of enemies to the person I affectionately gave my. I have been careful to avoid disclosing anything personal about this person as I felt it could become a problem. I dont want to bring insult or harm to this person. Because I still care for them and am willing to overlook an offense. The sad thing is this person is a minister and has plans to help others experiencing emotional and psychological issues by providing support and compassion.
In all honesty it has been a challenge for me to stand firm. For me to not give in to the easy way out and place the blame elsewhere or point it on someone else to attempt to avoid owning up for myself. But still I have tried to stand as a man and continue to own up and acknowledge and deal with my issues and problems. I identified my role and the effects that contributed to the majority of my relational problems and difficulties. I am so eager to change and willing to learn what I can to help myself. I am fed up with my own unhealthy behaviors and sickly patterns. I will continue to change and grow.
Please pray for me as I have struggles and I have allowed myself to stray somewhat and I remained indecisive and uncommitted to God. I dont want that anymore and I am attempting to draw near to Gods heart and pursue His will for my life.
I want to be in Gods will and I dont want to become angry or resentful. I just dont understand all this going back and forth. Is it just to hurt me? Because it does. I cry myself to sleep almost every night because it hurts so much.
Sorry I ranted like this... insted of deleting this post I am inserting this. As I look at what I wrote in my frustration and pain I don't feel that I expressed myself well and only made it appear it was others who were to blame. That is not so and I apologize for that.
God is permitting me to go thru so much more than this and I feel overwhelmed but have a sense of peace. Its strange but with whats facing me now I am trusting Him and seeing Him much differently. I am in a very dark moment and I finally find that inspite of so many things pressing down and attacking my life, my marriage and my family I stand steady and I lean to Him.
How much more does God want me to take??
I am worn out and drained.
I have tried with Gods help, counsel and many prayers on my behalf to be understanding, kind and even supportive of this particular person. I feel someone has been toying with my emotions and leading me on. One minute considerately discussing hope and trusting God to restore and reconcile and then suddenly the next day claiming that I am a disgusting controlling and unwell and never call back. It has gone back and forth several times and I am tore up inside.
I am hurt and confused. I have been making a conscious effort to try and be kind in spite of being mistreated. But now I feel my kindness was misinterpreted as weakness and I become something to be walked on. I am left with the taste of discarded muck and feel as I am scraped filth from the bottom of this persons shoe. But I am weary and I cant stand the lies and deceit. I hate being misled for the just to be goaded so they can cause me more pain and anguish. Its painful that I am coaxed into believing some more trust is built and I pour my soul out investing in communicating with deeply authentic cares and deeply personal feelings. Only to discover the individual was building false hope and trust and then WHAMMM BAMMM!!! Knocked right back on my no-good backside. Then I am facing accusations of being the evil one and that my kindness and restraint to respond inappropriately was only manipulation and that I am in fact leading them into a false security. Then I am informed that they were nice only because they were emotionally and psychologically weak. Then they tell me they should have never permitted me to speak to them. Here I wind up all of a sudden on the list of enemies to the person I affectionately gave my. I have been careful to avoid disclosing anything personal about this person as I felt it could become a problem. I dont want to bring insult or harm to this person. Because I still care for them and am willing to overlook an offense. The sad thing is this person is a minister and has plans to help others experiencing emotional and psychological issues by providing support and compassion.
In all honesty it has been a challenge for me to stand firm. For me to not give in to the easy way out and place the blame elsewhere or point it on someone else to attempt to avoid owning up for myself. But still I have tried to stand as a man and continue to own up and acknowledge and deal with my issues and problems. I identified my role and the effects that contributed to the majority of my relational problems and difficulties. I am so eager to change and willing to learn what I can to help myself. I am fed up with my own unhealthy behaviors and sickly patterns. I will continue to change and grow.
Please pray for me as I have struggles and I have allowed myself to stray somewhat and I remained indecisive and uncommitted to God. I dont want that anymore and I am attempting to draw near to Gods heart and pursue His will for my life.
I want to be in Gods will and I dont want to become angry or resentful. I just dont understand all this going back and forth. Is it just to hurt me? Because it does. I cry myself to sleep almost every night because it hurts so much.
