How much is too much?

[Carrie333]

Today is my 17 yr wedding anniversary. But I feel nothing. I have become callous to him. I think he has to me as well.

Im not sure where it all went wrong. We have always struggled to be sexual/romantic. Now we are struggling to feel anything but contempt for one another. I think he may be deeply depressed. Every week is a combination of drinking (I believe he is an alcoholic), overeating, smoking, gambling. Just any cheap thrill he can find. His health is deteriorating and his moods are increasingly erratic. He is rigid and unyielding towards me and others but holds himself to no standards whatsoever. The cycle of highs and lows and the behaviors that happen especially when he drinks often lead to a lot of anxiety for me. The past 3 years I have been trying to overcome anxiety and panic disorder. I dont blame him entirely I think I have it somewhat genetically but this certainly made things worse.

Having to contend with my mental illness I know is very stressful on him. Ive tried to open him up about what might be making him spiral like this but it seems to send him right back into the cycle.

I just have no one I can go to for advice. I feel lost. My confidence is shattered by all of this. Where do I start? What can I do?

 

[tturt]

Sorry that this is happening. Praying for you and your husband.

Encourage everyone to watch "Marriage Today."

Their website marriagetoday.com/category/tv-episodes/ has probably 60 free episodes including "What a man really needs" and 'What a woman really needs" by Jimmy Evan's ministries. All teachings are Biblically based. Plus there's books, videos, etc. He was recently interviewed on Joni: Table Table for 4 sessions about his book "The Four Laws of Love." Think those can still be viewed.

There's hundreds on youtube.

Also, it's important that you forgive. We need to take care of our hearts' condition daily.. "Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Neither give place to the devil." Eph 4

 

[RedPonyDriver]

Every week is a combination of drinking (I believe he is an alcoholic), overeating, smoking, gambling. Just any cheap thrill he can find. His health is deteriorating and his moods are increasingly erratic. He is rigid and unyielding towards me and others but holds himself to no standards whatsoever. The cycle of highs and lows and the behaviors that happen especially when he drinks often lead to a lot of anxiety for me. The past 3 years I have been trying to overcome anxiety and panic disorder. I dont blame him entirely I think I have it somewhat genetically but this certainly made things worse.

I strongly suggest you find a Celebrate Recovery group in your area. Working the steps and associating with others who are struggling, or have struggled is so helpful. I have been a part of this for quite some time, and have found much freedom and have strengthened my faith through it. Google "Celebrate Recovery" and you can locate a group near you.

 

[Sof9303]

Today is my 17 yr wedding anniversary. But I feel nothing. I have become callous to him. I think he has to me as well.

Im not sure where it all went wrong. We have always struggled to be sexual/romantic. Now we are struggling to feel anything but contempt for one another. I think he may be deeply depressed. Every week is a combination of drinking (I believe he is an alcoholic), overeating, smoking, gambling. Just any cheap thrill he can find. His health is deteriorating and his moods are increasingly erratic. He is rigid and unyielding towards me and others but holds himself to no standards whatsoever. The cycle of highs and lows and the behaviors that happen especially when he drinks often lead to a lot of anxiety for me. The past 3 years I have been trying to overcome anxiety and panic disorder. I dont blame him entirely I think I have it somewhat genetically but this certainly made things worse.

Having to contend with my mental illness I know is very stressful on him. Ive tried to open him up about what might be making him spiral like this but it seems to send him right back into the cycle.

I just have no one I can go to for advice. I feel lost. My confidence is shattered by all of this. Where do I start? What can I do?

Today is my 17 yr wedding anniversary. But I feel nothing. I have become callous to him. I think he has to me as well.

Im not sure where it all went wrong. We have always struggled to be sexual/romantic. Now we are struggling to feel anything but contempt for one another. I think he may be deeply depressed. Every week is a combination of drinking (I believe he is an alcoholic), overeating, smoking, gambling. Just any cheap thrill he can find. His health is deteriorating and his moods are increasingly erratic. He is rigid and unyielding towards me and others but holds himself to no standards whatsoever. The cycle of highs and lows and the behaviors that happen especially when he drinks often lead to a lot of anxiety for me. The past 3 years I have been trying to overcome anxiety and panic disorder. I dont blame him entirely I think I have it somewhat genetically but this certainly made things worse.

Having to contend with my mental illness I know is very stressful on him. Ive tried to open him up about what might be making him spiral like this but it seems to send him right back into the cycle.

I just have no one I can go to for advice. I feel lost. My confidence is shattered by all of this. Where do I start? What can I do?

 

[Sof9303]

Carrie,

I am so sorry that you are hurting. I can feel your pain in your words. Are you in counseling for yourself? It sounds like you really need someone to help you sort this out and help you with you first with your anxiety. Look up some information on this site. How to Know When Your Marriage Is in Trouble - Focus on the Family There is a wealth of information and links that you can get ideas on how to begin with your husband. Counseling is needed for your marriage and also for your husband to help combat his addictions. Don't lose hope. Once when my marriage was almost over, a wise woman said to me --- anything can be fixed as long as you both still have breath in your body... (that was my mom). Start tomorrow with a small act of kindness towards your husband (yep he might not deserve it), but one small act can have an amazing effect your never know. I know it seems so hard right now, but remember God knows your full story when you cannot possibly see it. He can use your suffering for redemption. I know it is easy to talk about the cross, but it is certainly not easy to carry it. I will place you in my prayers tonight Carrie.

 

[Abide with me.]

Today is my 17 yr wedding anniversary. But I feel nothing. I have become callous to him. I think he has to me as well.

Im not sure where it all went wrong. We have always struggled to be sexual/romantic. Now we are struggling to feel anything but contempt for one another. I think he may be deeply depressed. Every week is a combination of drinking (I believe he is an alcoholic), overeating, smoking, gambling. Just any cheap thrill he can find. His health is deteriorating and his moods are increasingly erratic. He is rigid and unyielding towards me and others but holds himself to no standards whatsoever. The cycle of highs and lows and the behaviors that happen especially when he drinks often lead to a lot of anxiety for me. The past 3 years I have been trying to overcome anxiety and panic disorder. I dont blame him entirely I think I have it somewhat genetically but this certainly made things worse.

Having to contend with my mental illness I know is very stressful on him. Ive tried to open him up about what might be making him spiral like this but it seems to send him right back into the cycle.

I just have no one I can go to for advice. I feel lost. My confidence is shattered by all of this. Where do I start? What can I do?

Dear Carrie,
I'm very sorry for your situation, it sounds as though you are both drowning in your own difficulties and are unable to help each other, and may even be exacerbating each other's problems.
The obvious solution would be marriage guidence counselling, but for this, you would have to be both willing, and able to afford it, and even then it may not help with his addictions or your anxiety.
If your husband is unwilling to confront his addictions, would you consider going to an organisation called Alanon? It is for the relatives of alcoholics, and it may help both of you whether your husband is a true alcoholic or not, I used to go to Alanon and it changed my life, it is a support network full of people in similar situations to yours, on a surface level it helps to talk outside your own home and get emotional support, but it also gives you a healthier perspective on your own situation, and there have been claims that changing yourself can change others.
For me it was also a bridge that brought me to God, although Alanon is not a religious organization, they do say the serenity prayer before every meeting..
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

 

[Swan7]

I just have no one I can go to for advice. I feel lost. My confidence is shattered by all of this. Where do I start? What can I do?

I don't know where your faith is, but you can always go to Christ Jesus. He knows your situation better than anyone here. If you don't mind me asking, what is your faith like? Did your husband have faith in Him?