How much is too much?

[Eila]

How much should a minister require his/her family to give in support of his/her ministry? I grew up a PK and am a minister's wife. As a PK I lived in the fishbowl and pretty much grew up without a dad because the ministry came first. My husband and I have done things differently and I try to keep life as normal as possible for my kids. We aren't pastors, but my husband travels often to various churches and preaches. When we travel with him I usually keep the kids with me in the service or go with them into the kid's class. They aren't easy adjusters and are young so I don't think it is fair for them to have to adjust to a new place and new people every time they go to church. I've found some churches to be offended with this so many times we don't go with my husband when he travels. I guess the children's leaders think I have something against them. Anyway, my spouse and I have the model of God first, family second, and ministry third. It seems as though this model is not totally accepted and we are going against the grain. For instance, my husband is preaching on the two weekends surrounding my son's birthday at a place that is a 6 hour drive away. He is coming home during the week (we are not going with him on the trip) so we can have my son's birthday on his birthday, but others recommend that we just celebrate his birthday on a different day.

Any thoughts on God, family, ministry versus God, ministry, family?

 

[mrscplus]

Congratulations. Stay the course. I was a PK, and am now a PW.

Dad always let us know that we were the priority. If we had plans for a Saturday, and a funeral or emergency arose, he pulled me from school on the Monday and we did something as a family.

So many PK's wind up with difficulties (eating disorders, attachement issues, self destructive behaviours, etc.

I think that if the minister's family can't model the right priorities, then who will. Just curious, are the people who have an issue older, or do they have young families too?

So, God go with you both...your children will thank you, and God will be honoured by your decisions.

 

[Kristen.NewCreation]

I agree with your outline - God, family, ministry.

With my parents being in ministry, I know it's tough to balance the family life for the demands of the home. But without the order you present, I believe there becomes dysfunction (mrscplus mentions) and while it may not be seen by others, it is still there.

Hold strong - God is leading you and your husband do do what He's called you to do. Our opinion of it is just that - our opinion.

 

[Eila]

I think that if the minister's family can't model the right priorities, then who will. Just curious, are the people who have an issue older, or do they have young families too?

Now that I think of it the people who seem to have more of an issue are older with children grown up.

That's great that your Dad always put his kids as a priority! I have seen very little of that with the families I know in the ministry.

 

[Aileen]

Dear Eila,
You obviously are a loving wife and mother. The Lord will give you and Dh the wisdom needed to care for your children. You would support him if he were in a secular job so I think a PW should fully support her DH as he is involved in a spiritual ministry. You and DH should decide how often you travel with him so as not to interrupt the kids routine too much. I gather your DH is at home during the week and many weekends. Perhaps too much travelling and change makes it difficult for them to adjust. When a husband goes on a business trip the wife and family don´t always go with him. You can make it a special time for them at home with you as you say they are young.

You may be right in your appreciation of the reaction of childrens´ leaders in churches but perhaps they feel uncomfortable with the visiting speakers wife sitting in on their class. They most likely think you know more than they do!

The free time your DH has with the children is very important. I don´t think it´s a question of family vs ministry but from experience think that when a Christian family puts the Lord first there isn´t a problem as He will givethem the wisdom when to say no to some things and how to use their free time as family time.

 

[Ms.Garnet]

Hi Eila ! I haven't been to CF in months..so I may not be familiar to you & others. I applaud you & DH for your commitment to your family and especially your DH who will make that trip back home for your son's birthday. My only point would be to say...that if your son is very young, he probably wouldn't know if his celebration is on his actual birthday if you "had" to do it another day, but if he "knows" and understands that a given day is his special day, I would do all I could to celebrate on his special day. God bless you all.

 

[HOPEOF9]

God first, family second, and ministry third

Have your son's birthday on his birthday! It's so exciting when you can do this. I'm so proud of your DH being willing to coming home between speaking engagements. I don't think my DH would do this. Being a PW isn't always the easist thing on you or the kids, but God is faithful!

 

[Eila]

God first, family second, and ministry third

Have your son's birthday on his birthday! It's so exciting when you can do this. I'm so proud of your DH being willing to coming home between speaking engagements. I don't think my DH would do this. Being a PW isn't always the easist thing on you or the kids, but God is faithful!

We had his birthday on his birthday Dh came home for 2 1/2 days that week. Dh is very close to the kids and my ds (who turned 6) would have been quite disappointed to have his birthday moved.

For awhile now I've been wondering about those pks who grow up rebellious and leave God behind. I've been hypothesizing that it may relate to a minister's importance on family. I know so many ministers put their family on back burners and put the ministry out front (as my dad did). I turned out fine, but I wonder if some personalities would deal with this by being angry at God for taking their parent away.

 

[mwstutti]

ella....I firmly stand on the princpal God family then church...God created Family before he set up the church..the people clearly defines that if you don't take care of your family you can not take care of the church....My husband and I have been in the ministry all of our lives He was a Pk Kid and the damage and toll it took on his family because the church was first is hard to repair......We Hav the made it clear to the workers in our church that we believe in this order of things...What good is saving the world and lose your childern

Hope this give you strength Don't back down

 

[Picture.Of.Obedience]

Im struggling right now. Our pastors priority are God then family/church/ministry. They say church ministry and family are one in the same. I dont agree. We are butting heads now.

 

[divineelements]

Hi, I am married to a PK and I can tell you that any type of normalcy is definitely needed.

My husband loves it when his dad takes time out for them to do things that will bond them closer together. It makes everything that we have to sacrifice worthwhile.

 

[ghs1994]

How much should a minister require his/her family to give in support of his/her ministry?

as much as the church requires. every church is different. you won't change the perspective of any church easily if at all. i would suggest looking for a church that will "fit" your family and your perspective of ministry, otherwise; you end up where you are now - exhausted and frustrated.

We aren't pastors, but my husband travels often to various churches and preaches.

ok...so your husband is not bound to any particular church. so is he an evangelist?

When we travel with him I usually keep the kids with me in the service or go with them into the kid's class. They aren't easy adjusters and are young so I don't think it is fair for them to have to adjust to a new place and new people every time they go to church. I've found some churches to be offended with this so many times we don't go with my husband when he travels. I guess the children's leaders think I have something against them.

when you travel with him, where do you stay? at the house of a member of that church or a hotel?

Anyway, my spouse and I have the model of God first, family second, and ministry third. It seems as though this model is not totally accepted and we are going against the grain.

not trying to offend any one particular person here, but most are not willing to do what they expect of other people themselves.

 

[Sushi614]

We had his birthday on his birthday Dh came home for 2 1/2 days that week. Dh is very close to the kids and my ds (who turned 6) would have been quite disappointed to have his birthday moved.

For awhile now I've been wondering about those pks who grow up rebellious and leave God behind. I've been hypothesizing that it may relate to a minister's importance on family. I know so many ministers put their family on back burners and put the ministry out front (as my dad did). I turned out fine, but I wonder if some personalities would deal with this by being angry at God for taking their parent away.

I am married to a MK/PK. We currenting attend his parents church and are active in the worship ministry there. They have 3 boys: hubby is the oldest at 29, middle 26 and the "baby" turns 17 in 2 months. The youngest I have to say is the besy PK I have ever seen. He is so actively involved in everything he can get his hands on. Sometime he gets overwhelmed but over all a very well rounded kid, I'm so proud!

My hubby has had his moments. Before we moved here we lived away from both of our families and he had some time where he had fallen away from God. He had been really hurt during ministry at another church. He took some time to re-evaluate things in his heart and mind. I stood behind him and supported him during that time. But I started going to church again with my daughter even if he wouldn't go. Now that we live here and attend his parents church he knew that he would eventually get involved again. Now we are full time all the time in the worship ministry. Not paid of course but we do pretty much everything. His Mom is the worship leader and Dad is the Pastor. So whenever anything needs to be done, we do it.

The middle son is still currently considered "the rebellous one". He only comes to church when his parents drag him there to run sound. (He is on an alternating schedule with some others) He still lives at home, doesn't keep his room clean, stays out way too late and sleeps all day when he can. Dropped out of college, drinks too much, smokes and occasionally smokes "other stuff" too. He still has his spiritual foundation there though. You can tell when he talks about certain things. He just doesn't see any problem with living both lives. Though he doesn't do much on the spiritual side.

My intention is not to discourage you by any means. Just that everyone is different. Yes, the personalities of each child has a lot to do with their out come. But it is very important to instill in them at this young age the importance of living for God. They need to feel like being a family in ministry is a blessing and not a curse. IMO, I think they way yall are dealing with things right now is great. Hubby coming home for special occations, you and the kids keeping up a normal life schedule and yall getting to travel with him occationally really helps mix it up. The family is getting involved without feeling dragged around by their ear. Its important that they do not feel forced agaist their will but are getting to be apart of Daddy's work. Younger kids can really get into that. If it is a good experience when they are young they tend to not get resentful when they get older.

Great job so far. Hang in there.

 

[Aileen]

I agree with Sushi that young couples involved in a spiritual ministry have a marvellous opportunity to show their children that it is a privilege and blessing to serve the Lord. Psalm 1 says that there is a blessing on those who from childhood know and love Him.
Of course a PW feels lonely at times and I´m sure army wives feel the same. I think we have to be careful that we don´t "blame" the church or ministry for our home not being what we want it to be. I hastily add that if a man is neglecting his family that´s an issue that the couple should talk seriously about.
Our priority should be the Lord, however I don´t think we can separate each area of our life into separate boxes...family in one box, ministry in another etc. A man who has a secular job works to support his family so I see the two intwined. Perhaps this question will not be understood by all but here goes.............Can a man in a secular job take several days off work during the week?
A pastor should, like any other man, use his free time wisely and that includes special time alone with his wife, and also family time. My Dad was an evangelist, often away from home, and I remember how my Mom would gather us children together for a "special service", each one taking part and all of us praying for Dad. I´m sure she felt lonely at times but I remember her joy knowing that she was doing her part so that others would hear the Gospel story. I am a PW and our family are now adults very much involved in church activities. Sometimes life isn´t easy, lean on Him and His Word, ask for His wisdom to know when to encourage our husbands in their ministry and when to insist with them that they can say "no" at times.
"If Jesus Christ is God and died for me, then there is no sacrifice too great for me to make for Him." C.T. Studd