How many chances are too many?

[PropheticTimes]

How many times can the prodigal son return? I have an emotional dependency on someone that I can't seem to break. Every time I feel he is putting space between us I panic and make up a lie to pull him back. The thing is, I know he isn't going anywhere, yet something inside me freaks out at the slightest hint of abandonment.

How can I break this cycle? I feel like the Lord is shaking His head at me in disappointment. I am making this conscious decision to lie (out of fear). I'm disgusted with myself and can only imagine how disgusted God must be. Each time I try to pick myself up, repent, and be better, but it always happens again and again.

Where is the point where God says "I'm done. You've had many chances. You are choosing to do this sinful thing. Get away from Me."? I love Him so much and yet I feel helpless to stop this cycle. Should I hang my head in shame, tell Him I'm sorry, and walk away? That's what I'm struggling with. I feel like I cannot even pray anymore because He is so disgusted with me.

 

[Johnnz]

There will be underlying reasons for your behaviour that are driving you. You may need some wise help to identify them so as to better work through them. Different issues require different solutions, whether information, teaching, support, counsel or prayer, often in combination.

And Jesus is far more understanding and patient that you recognise too. It is His unchanging love that gives us the courage to continue making changes to our lives.

John
NZ

 

[PropheticTimes]

I am almost certain it stems from an old abandonment wound relating to my father. Yes, I have abandonment issues. I went to counseling for four years, three times a week, and though it helped for a while I fell back into old habits.

Thank you, John. I appreciate your insight.

 

[Johnnz]

My pleasure.

 

[Johnnz]

Maybe then your inner sense and dialogue of abandonment ("I was not wanted; I was not good enough; It was my fault; If only I had been better") gets transposed onto God, undermining your ability to trust in His goodness.

John
NZ

 

[LaSorcia]

I was fooled for so long into thinking that God was disgusted with me and, hadn't quite given up on me, but wasn't going to give me a good life or choose me like he had. It's a lie. God says, "I will never leave you or forsake you." That's a promise. He will not renounce us. Think of it this way, when you got saved, God knew everything you were ever going to do in the future...and God still saved you!

 

[PropheticTimes]

Thank you, John, that makes a lot of sense.

LaSorcia, thank you. I needed to hear that. I try so hard to be everything others need me to be (including what God wants of me). I am a perfectionist at heart and in my own view I fall short every step of the way. Self-loathing can be like quicksand for me. I appreciate your words.