How long do you stick around when you have different goals.

[eatenbylocusts]

Keep in mind I'm 41, almost 42. My "un-bf" and I have been dating for 7 months. At the beginning he was an every other weeked dad and when we hit it off, he thought for sure God had brought us together because he was getting off all the dating sites and I was the last person he contacted.

He started freaking out early, wondering if our kids would get along once they met, where we'd live since he was trying to get out of debt. We had a disagreement and he said we needed to slow down and we started "just dating", but not gf and bf, but we were still exclusive (these were his definitions). We had another disagreement right around the time his dd came to live with him full time. He told me I should be open to dating others since he had to concentrate on his dd. We talked on the phone, but actually went three weeks without seeing eachother. Once he talked to his ex and they decided he was going to be the official full time parent he started calling more and we started seeing each other on a regular basis. He decided to introduce the kids and we had a couple of times together with our kids.

One day his dd decided she didn't want any siblings so he stopped spending time with me when his dd was around. A few weeks ago he told me again that he didn't know what was best for his dd and he didn't know where we were going. He hasn't got his court paper work back and he's still having child support deducted which is a stressor, but when I hear a man tell me I should think about seeing other people because I might miss Mr. Right, it doesn't sound like I'm looking at my future husband.

So, we used to have the same goal of marriage, but now he doesn't know if he should wait until his dd is grown or at least wait until my son is out on his own (he's 16). If we don't have the same goals, should I really keep seeing him especially if he's not asking me to wait? He's not interested in dating anyone else, and he's perfectly content with seeing me once a week which I'm not happy with.

I'm really interested in actual stories of people who've been in this situation or had friends in a similar situation.

 

[dmhforJesus]

Just a little food for thought - just because your children move out on their own doesnt mean that they are not a huge part of your life still. So not a whole lot will change just because his dd or your son move out. Then you always have to think about grandchildren.

Personally he sounds wishy washy to me - you deserve better - move on and dont waste anymore time on this guy.

And I have been there - its tough but you deserve better.

 

[dmhforJesus]

Btw I am really sorry you are having to go through this - it stinks at our age to be in situations like this. I really thought by now I would have been married for 20 years and in the most secure places in my life - but things didnt work out that way so I just make God my goal and let everything else fall where it may.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Thanks dmh. He made some comments on Saturday that gave me a lot to think about. I questioned him about being willing to have sex (unprotected) now, when before he was really upset that things were moving too fast physically. His answer was that before he wanted to get married, but now he didn't know if he was ever going to get married.

His willingness to compromise during a non-passionate moment really made me realize that he isn't the man I'm looking for to be the spiritual leader of my family. I woke up early the next morning and couldn't sleep so I spent some time in prayer. Because we were running late we went to a different church and the Holy Spirit just about pulled me out of my chair when the pastor said that there were some of us who needed to make some decisions on changing some things. A lady prayed with me. I called my "un-bf" later that evening and I asked to come over. He wanted to know why and made me tell him on the phone. He understands and he's been the one suggesting for a while that I should keep looking. We promised to pray for each other and our kids and say hello every once in a while.

I miss him, but I know it needed to be done.

 

[dmhforJesus]

I am so glad to hear that you got direction from God. It sounds like things are going to work out - you just need to stay strong and keep your focus on God. He will provide the right man for you and your children.

Praying for you,
Nita

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Too many people know what needs to be done, but just dance around the fact and never do it. It's good that you -did- what needed to be done.

~ Lynn

It was a God thing. I dated someone for a year who was the most critical person I'd ever met. How come I couldn't let that one go before I let him borrow $2000?
I kid you not-before the service started I looked in the direction of where the pastor was a few times and he seemed to be looking right at me from about 50 ft. away. He only met me once about two years ago. There's only been one other time when I felt such a stirring and I had to turn around and do what I felt the Holy Spirit was telling me to do. Could've been a coincidence or he was looking at something behind me, but if he's got some discernment I'd like him to introduce me to my husband.

But, this situation helped me to decide to make this church my home church. We probably won't even be missed at my old one since we could only go every other week because of my work. Guess I need to let my old pastor know.