How long did you date before engagement?

[Pikachelsea]

Hi everyone,

I have a pretty straightforward question for everyone here who is engaged or married... how long did you and your significant other date before you got engaged? In retrospect, would you have dated longer/shorter/the same before getting engaged?

The sub-question to that one is: When you got engaged, was it more due to:

a) You felt you were finally old enough to get engaged.
b) You felt you were both finally emotionally/spiritually ready to be engaged.
c) One or both of you finally stabilized your schooling/career/finances.
d) You both finally got your parents' blessing.
e) Some other reason (please explain).

(I put this sub-question in the poll )

btw, I'm not engaged (been dating my boyfriend for 5.5 years); just curious about some of the trends out there.

Thanks for any and all responses!

 

[poobah]

Hi

Well I got engaged last month, after 8 years!! But actually my fiance wasn't a Christian until recently and so that is why we decided to get engaged. We wanted to be sure we were both walking on Jesus's path before we decided to marry. Had we both come to Jesus sooner then no doubt we would have got engaged earlier.

 

[LiberatedChick]

My husband and I dated for five months before he popped the question. There was a further 4.5 years between that and our wedding though. We were very young when we got engaged and would have needed parental permission to get married but we'd promised my mum that it'd be a long engagement. Once we did hit the legal age for marrying without parental permission (2 years after we got engaged) we had by then realised that it was important for us to be standing on our own two feet before marriage. So we got jobs, moved out of our parents homes and saved. We would have got married a bit sooner than we did but life threw a few things our direction such as needing to find a new flat and a death in the family. So I put that it was once we were emotionally ready that we got engaged...though we didn't tie the knot until we were supporting ourselves and financially stabilised.

 

[redwing030]

I didn't vote because our reasoning was kinda a mix of things. We had dated for 2.5 years before we got engaged. We had known for quite some time that we would get married some day but just hadn't gotten around to getting engaged I suppose, plus I was still in college.

The day I graduated college my husband decided he wanted to do something more with his life than work mediocre jobs. That day he applied for a college in a different state. Knowing that we both wanted me to go with him, a few weeks later we went and bought rings. No fancy engagement day, just did a mutual engagement of sorts. 3 months later we were married and moved for him to start school.

 

[PurpleBunny]

We got engaged October 24, 2003, which was our 1-year dating anniversary. We'd been emotionally, spiritually, and financially ready for some time before that but I refused to get engaged to anyone I'd been dating less than a year because I wanted to make sure I really knew Chris, that there would be no unwelcome surprises.

Now, 17 months later, we're finally nearing the wedding date and I'm soooo glad (we did set a date right away and we've stuck to the original date). I'm getting tired of waiting!

 

[~Nikki~]

Well, I didn't vote because all of those reasons apply...though I wouldn't say 'finally' got our parents' blessing...both sets of parents were more than happy...

We knew each other (on a talking after church kind of basis) for a couple of months, then dated for five weeks, got engaged and were married three and a half months after the engagement.

And marriage gets better every day!

 

[Inperfected]

Mmm... my opinion is that of Blue Impulses really...
Engagement at a young age to me is not a big issue, however the readiness of BOTH parties is a big one. If you aren't prepared to go public with it, and aren't prepared to have it happen in a reasonable amount of time, few months to a year and a half type of length, then reconsider an engagement at that time... Of course there are exceptions, such as a couple i know who had to get his fiancee to get used to NZ customs as she lived in asia. But generally..

I used to be of the opinion a lnog engagement doesn't matter, i was engaged for about 6 months. However he ended it, and we now both know that 1) it wasn't the right time and 2) we were too young to go talking about that stuff.. It was a secret one and only approx 10 people knew, and i'm telling you, i didn't break up with him when he ended it, but with my hopes of a future with him. That's a LOT harder mind you.

Now? I've lived on my own (in a flat) for 6 months, i am a lot more understanding than i was then, and realise it's not an easy thing. I mean... Dishes? Washing? Cleaning? Vacumning? Getting fire stuff in? Work? Course? Each other? It's a difficult thing now.

I am with a guy at the moment, but i'm not engaged. Tho we've only been together for a few weeks, we've been best friends for years, and (not i don't suggest this) in a 'technical' relationship for months and months... But yes, i suspect it'll be in the mix in the end. This is the guy i could happily cohabitate with, happy have children with, happily be with forever, and happily argue with... I know him on a level that i kno his true character... Yeah we argue daily, fight properly every few months, but i really think that after this much friendship, being ourselves with each other is just a normal part of life...

So yeah, i like the idea of young marriages.... but a few points to consider

1) It's FOREVER. You can't get another guy when you get sick of this one
2) Tho you may not like him, you have to love him
3) Are you really ready?
4) Is he?

and finally...
5) If you can't actly do it in the next year or two, it's just building dodgy tensions....... BE careful.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

We didn't get back into a relationship, until we were sure that both of us were healthy marriage material for each other.

The reason we aren't engaged yet has solely to do with the fact that B won't be able to see his family until Christmas (they live 1000 miles from us), and he wants to have a proper sit down family discussion with them over our relationship beforehand.

Plus, I'm going to Europe after Christmas, and he'd like all the expense of that (and the excitement) over and done with first.

So we know we're getting married sometime between March and May next year, but it won't be made official until at least Januaryish...

Sasch

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

oh yeah - so we will have been dating for the second time for 15 months at that time. If we count the first time we dated (and the 'pseudo dating' we did for a year after that), it would be about 2.5 years all up...

Sasch

 

[B®ent]

Fascinating. I've read through several topics in this Engagement forum, and probably about 90% of the replies are from ladies. Surely there must be a mechanism behind this phenomena. Hmm.

Carry on.

 

[disco_stuburt]

I am not engaged yet, but Im asking her this summer. If she accepts, then we will have dated for about five months. We both knew very quick, after about two weeks, that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together.

 

[Living4Him03]

Chris and I have known since the first week we began dating that we will get married someday. We've only been together for about 3 months though. We've talked about engagement a few times. I've given him a two year time deadline...I think that after two years at the most we should be ready for engagement and if he can't ask me to marry him then, barring unexpected circumstances, then we just aren't meant to be. He agrees. In April one day I asked him, "So what do you think we'll be up to this time next year? What do you think we'll be like? Still this romantic?" and he replied "I'm going to be planning how I'm going to ask you to marry me, that's what I'll be doing!"...who knows. I would like for him to finish school before we get married and it would be nice if he's done before we get engaged...at the earliest he'll finish in August 2006. We would both probably be ready at that point to get engaged, as long as we begin saving and other preparations. We also want to do pre-marital counseling, so that will take several months. My ideal would be to get married in August 06 after he graduates or at the latest that following Spring (07). I don't know though, plans can always change. It's difficult to be patient when you know you are going to spend the rest of your life with that person and you've already made the mistake of physically bonding yourself to that person.

 

[Sign Of The Fish Burger]

But I believe the time you get engaged should be the time you are prepared to start *planning* the wedding. If you aren't ready to start picking out invitations, flowers, and making guest lists right from the start, and do all your other preparations, you shouldn't be engaged. Engagement isn't some fancy extension of dating, its the period of preparation for your *marriage*.

I agree 100%

I am not a big fan of long engagements. Thats why I never understood counseling AFTER you get engaged. The counseling should come BEFORE you decide to get engaged. What happenes when you get half way through your engagement, and your counseling, and decide you are not compatible? Think about it....

When Josh and I got engaged, there was no breaking it off (as with divorce...) The engagement is giving us enough time to plan the wedding and wait for the immigration papers to go through. Thats it.

I dont think your engagement period is the time that you start working through the big compatibility factors of being with someone... to me, those should come before making the decision to get married.

Just my .02

I should shut up now

 

[charligirl]

We met and married within 7 months, I had known him as a friend for about 6 weeks when he told me he was going to marry me! then we started dating and got officially engaged about 12 weeks after that and married 16 weeks after that.

I agree that is a little unusual, but we were 32 and 45 both knew it was God and were emotionally/spiritually/financially in the right place. We had support from pastors and families and it was just, well, right.

 

[Singin4Him]

I agree 100%

I am not a big fan of long engagements. Thats why I never understood counseling AFTER you get engaged. The counseling should come BEFORE you decide to get engaged. What happenes when you get half way through your engagement, and your counseling, and decide you are not compatible? Think about it....

When Josh and I got engaged, there was no breaking it off (as with divorce...) The engagement is giving us enough time to plan the wedding and wait for the immigration papers to go through. Thats it.

I dont think your engagement period is the time that you start working through the big compatibility factors of being with someone... to me, those should come before making the decision to get married.

Just my .02

I should shut up now

I'm sure many who discovered through premarital counseling that their fiance and they were not at prepared or compatible for marriage would strongly disagree with that. My husband and I knew 100% but we still considered the slight possibility that during engagement we may discover we should not marry, you have to have your eyes open to God at ALL TIMES. Is it not better to do that rather than just say "well we're engaged so we have to get married now." Many ministers who do premarital counseling will tell you that it is far better to break off engagement rather than try to "make it work" in marriage. A divorce is much worse, is it not?

Not only that but the reason most get premarital counseling when they are engaged is because during dating most don't get serious about marriage until they are ready to become engaged....so they get engaged. There is nothing wrong with going to a premarriage class a church offers even if you're only dating, in fact if you're strong considering marriage I think it would be great. However, most ministers won't do premarriage counseling until you are engaged, though they may just do some couples counseling.

I am not against that at all. In fact my brother and his gf have been doing this ever few months because when the time is right (they have both graduated school) they want to get married. My point is that you should not say that premarriage counseling should not be after one is already engaged, premarriage counseling and classes are not just about whether you are compatible, it is SO MUCH more than that, it prepares you for ways to handle all the things in marriage that will arise such as, conflict, trials. learning to understand the needs of one another, how to communicate with one another, and what oneness is in marriage (what God created marriage for). My husband and I are so glad for the premarriage counseling and classes we went to because we learned SO MUCH that has helped us in our first year of marriage. I strong STRONGLY encourage it, the divorce rate is high enough in Christians, why not do everything we can to prevent that?

 

[Sign Of The Fish Burger]

yeah welll I guess we're screwed because we are apart and we cant do counseling before.

 

[Singin4Him]

yeah welll I guess we're screwed because we are apart and we cant do counseling before.

You will not be together AT ALL before your wedding day?

 

[gracefaith]

yeah welll I guess we're screwed because we are apart and we cant do counseling before.

heh heh - well, counseling can be incredibly useful or useless depending on the couple and the people doing the counseling.

I mean, there are people who work through highly structured, 12 session pre-marital counseling programs and still don't get anything from it. (Maybe it's them, maybe it's the program.) My PMC consisted of three, hour-long chats with a minister - and the third one occurred only because I had something else to I wanted to talk about. We got some sage advice out of it, but nothing earth shattering. In November, we will celebrate our 5th anniversary and still feel like newlyweds (in the good sense.)

I could maybe see if you and your FH could go 'chat' with your minister a couple of times - y'know when you happen to be together for a day or two. Even squeeze in a little meeting just before the wedding to just think out loud and ask about anything you might be thinking about. If nothing else, it's reassuring to find someone capable of parceling out sage advice on the subject of marriage. (Beside us, I mean. We are highly opinionated but perhaps not always sage. )

 

[charligirl]

yeah welll I guess we're screwed because we are apart and we cant do counseling before.

Even if you can;t have counseling together there is still huge benefits in having it separately, and then comparing notes, or doing a study course 'together' and discussing over the phone

 

[Music4Hym777]

Lets see, we started dating in March of 04, got engaged September 5, 2004. The wedding is set for October 23, 2006. Now I know that is a long engagement, but there are reasons for it.

#1 I will be moving to where my fiance is in school, so I need time to get use to the new city before I get use to being with him constantly

#2 The wedding is going to be in the town where we both grew up, but we both live in different cities now, so it is has been harder and more drawn out to get all the prep.

#3 We are going to do pre-marital counseling (not with the pastor that is going to marry us, but the pastor at his church where he lives)

#4 We feel that the wait is a good time to pray and meditate and learn what it is to really be a godly husband/wife