How does one get past their past?

[memoriesbymichelle]

The longer I am single the more I am learning about myself, which I guess is a good thing, but then when you know you have issues, it's not so good.

I don't know when it started for me, but maybe it had something to do with my dad disowning me. And by disowning I mean he actually said to me, don't call me, don't write me, I NEVER want to see you AGAIN! I was thirteen. I didn't do anything really wrong. I just wanted to go live with my mom. I couldn't stand living with my dad and step mom and step brothers who got all the favoritism, while I got all the punishment and rules. I was 12 or 13.

So I went to live with my mom. I had met a boy when I was living with my dad and my girlfriend was seeing his friend. I really liked this guy and ended up being with him for about 5 years. I thought we would be together forever, but of course I was just young and dumb. I don't think I ever got over him.

BTW my dad and I have a semi-relationship atm. We talk on the phone, mostly superficial stuff. He never forgets the kids birthdays and Christmas but hasn't seen the youngest since he was born and hasn't seen the oldest since he was 2 so.....But I do love him still. I don't think he will ever know how much he has hurt me, heck I don't even know that fully.


He cheated on me...more than once. But when I finally had enough of that we broke up and 8 months later he married someone else. I was shattered.

So I tried to live the promiscuous life but it really wasn't for me. And I think with my past and trying to be someone I'm not I have wrecked myself.

With my husband, I was happy. Not in every sense of the word but I really really loved him. But once I found out that he felt he kind of settled with me and wasn't attracted to me anymore cuz I put on weight after having 2 kids, whenever he wanted sex, I felt used. The same way I felt when I was trying to be promiscuous.

So now, here I am and I can honestly say that even when people (men) tell me I'm attractive I don't believe them. Even if I were in a relationship, I can forsee that this would be an issue because all the men in my life so far, have let me down and made me feel unworthy (except God of course) so I would still be proned to think that if they wanted sex it was because they wanted sex, not because they are so into me (and of course I am talking about IF I remarried, not having sex outside of that)

So how does one go about getting past this? It's easy to say, well just believe they are telling the truth, but I don't believe that about myself, so why would I believe it from someone else? Not sure how to change this.

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

The longer I am single the more I am learning about myself, which I guess is a good thing, but then when you know you have issues, it's not so good.

I don't know when it started for me, but maybe it had something to do with my dad disowning me. And by disowning I mean he actually said to me, don't call me, don't write me, I NEVER want to see you AGAIN! I was thirteen. I didn't do anything really wrong. I just wanted to go live with my mom. I couldn't stand living with my dad and step mom and step brothers who got all the favoritism, while I got all the punishment and rules. I was 12 or 13.

So I went to live with my mom. I had met a boy when I was living with my dad and my girlfriend was seeing his friend. I really liked this guy and ended up being with him for about 5 years. I thought we would be together forever, but of course I was just young and dumb. I don't think I ever got over him.

BTW my dad and I have a semi-relationship atm. We talk on the phone, mostly superficial stuff. He never forgets the kids birthdays and Christmas but hasn't seen the youngest since he was born and hasn't seen the oldest since he was 2 so.....But I do love him still. I don't think he will ever know how much he has hurt me, heck I don't even know that fully.


He cheated on me...more than once. But when I finally had enough of that we broke up and 8 months later he married someone else. I was shattered.

So I tried to live the promiscuous life but it really wasn't for me. And I think with my past and trying to be someone I'm not I have wrecked myself.

With my husband, I was happy. Not in every sense of the word but I really really loved him. But once I found out that he felt he kind of settled with me and wasn't attracted to me anymore cuz I put on weight after having 2 kids, whenever he wanted sex, I felt used. The same way I felt when I was trying to be promiscuous.

So now, here I am and I can honestly say that even when people (men) tell me I'm attractive I don't believe them. Even if I were in a relationship, I can forsee that this would be an issue because all the men in my life so far, have let me down and made me feel unworthy (except God of course) so I would still be proned to think that if they wanted sex it was because they wanted sex, not because they are so into me (and of course I am talking about IF I remarried, not having sex outside of that)

So how does one go about getting past this? It's easy to say, well just believe they are telling the truth, but I don't believe that about myself, so why would I believe it from someone else? Not sure how to change this.

Thanks for sharing this Michelle.

Frankly, I dont think there is a simple answer to how to get beyond the tragedies life has brought our way other than to truly realize how precious/loved/important we are in GODS EYES and to realize we play to an audience of ONE ...and not everyone in our lives . We get hurt especially hard when its trusted family members that do us wrong , but i do believe there is healing in those circumstances too.

It could be that youll require some professional Christian Counselling to come to terms with the hurts from your past in conjunction with really obtaining your self esteem from how God views you, and not from how others in the past have viewed you thru their prejudiced eyes. One thing ive solidly learned as ive going thru life is this : Trust in what Others say or do rather loosely...but trust in God fully and without reservation .

As far as physical looks go...in this world THAT will always be a very subjective thing when it comes to Others around us . It pays not to look for the applause of people as it will always be based on shifting opinion and oftentimes, wrong motives. It takes some guarding of our hearts .

I would make sure you have a Circle of Friends who love you for who you are internally...and not on ever changing outward appearances. My mom used to tell me growin up that :' You cant be everybodys cup of tea ' . Im glad i learned this early on as its been a buffer now that im well into adulthood and its served me well.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

well see, I DO know and believe God loves me just the way I am and even knew I'd be exactly as I am. It's not GOD I have a problem with, and this is kind of a big problem, but then again, not really.

See I DO think I'm a pretty cool chick. I can laugh at myself, I can be by myself. I love people of all sorts, I don't care for clicks. I have struggles and know I am human like everyone else and not above anyone else.

I probably will never go to a counselor. The ones that I have known and encountered, tend to be on the narcisstic side and think they are better than everyone else and they are human just like we are so....I am my own counselor, along with my friends I trust and people I think can give me insight and perspective I might not be aware of. And of course I talk to God ALOT and I always tell him as I'm talking, Lord you are the ONLY one that "gets" me. It even says in the bible we cannot know another man's heart. Proverbs 14:10

And then maybe I'm not supposed to have that wonderful love that some get to experience here on earth. Maybe what I already had with my husband was it. It was far from perfect, but I did not create myself for my own purposes, so I guess I have to wait until God reveals something to me, or brings someone into my life. If the latter is the case, I guess he will have his work cut our for him. LOL

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

This song encourages me

The Rose - by Bette Midler + lyrics - YouTube

 

[blessed2585]

I am sorry that you are going through this. I know it isn't easy. Have you talked to a cousnelor about how you are feeling? I know Focus on the Family has licensed cousnelors that you can call for free at 1800-232-6459.

The longer I am single the more I am learning about myself, which I guess is a good thing, but then when you know you have issues, it's not so good.

I don't know when it started for me, but maybe it had something to do with my dad disowning me. And by disowning I mean he actually said to me, don't call me, don't write me, I NEVER want to see you AGAIN! I was thirteen. I didn't do anything really wrong. I just wanted to go live with my mom. I couldn't stand living with my dad and step mom and step brothers who got all the favoritism, while I got all the punishment and rules. I was 12 or 13.

So I went to live with my mom. I had met a boy when I was living with my dad and my girlfriend was seeing his friend. I really liked this guy and ended up being with him for about 5 years. I thought we would be together forever, but of course I was just young and dumb. I don't think I ever got over him.

BTW my dad and I have a semi-relationship atm. We talk on the phone, mostly superficial stuff. He never forgets the kids birthdays and Christmas but hasn't seen the youngest since he was born and hasn't seen the oldest since he was 2 so.....But I do love him still. I don't think he will ever know how much he has hurt me, heck I don't even know that fully.


He cheated on me...more than once. But when I finally had enough of that we broke up and 8 months later he married someone else. I was shattered.

So I tried to live the promiscuous life but it really wasn't for me. And I think with my past and trying to be someone I'm not I have wrecked myself.

With my husband, I was happy. Not in every sense of the word but I really really loved him. But once I found out that he felt he kind of settled with me and wasn't attracted to me anymore cuz I put on weight after having 2 kids, whenever he wanted sex, I felt used. The same way I felt when I was trying to be promiscuous.

So now, here I am and I can honestly say that even when people (men) tell me I'm attractive I don't believe them. Even if I were in a relationship, I can forsee that this would be an issue because all the men in my life so far, have let me down and made me feel unworthy (except God of course) so I would still be proned to think that if they wanted sex it was because they wanted sex, not because they are so into me (and of course I am talking about IF I remarried, not having sex outside of that)

So how does one go about getting past this? It's easy to say, well just believe they are telling the truth, but I don't believe that about myself, so why would I believe it from someone else? Not sure how to change this.

 

[Doctor Strangelove]

I grew up in a family where there was alcoholism and other problems. I had a lot of resentment over that and other things. I eventually figured that I can't somehow redeem the past by carrying it around with me. I tried being too "tough" or too "spiritual" to be hurt. I finally acknowledged that some things did hurt and I experienced real losses and nothing can change that - whatever was, was. Certain things in my past lost a lot of their power, ironically, once I acknowledged them. I still have struggles over bitterness and regrets but it is not like when I was younger.

 

[miss-a]

Here's a place to start. I think there's some very good info in this. I'm hoping they air more of it, but I've also ordered the cds. Just click the links below.

Video » Moving Past Your Past - part 1 | LIFEToday.org
Video » Moving Past Your Past - part 2 | LIFEToday.org
Video » Moving Past Your Past - Part 3 | LIFEToday.org

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

well see, I DO know and believe God loves me just the way I am and even knew I'd be exactly as I am. It's not GOD I have a problem with, and this is kind of a big problem, but then again, not really.

See I DO think I'm a pretty cool chick. I can laugh at myself, I can be by myself. I love people of all sorts, I don't care for clicks. I have struggles and know I am human like everyone else and not above anyone else.

I probably will never go to a counselor. The ones that I have known and encountered, tend to be on the narcisstic side and think they are better than everyone else and they are human just like we are so....I am my own counselor, along with my friends I trust and people I think can give me insight and perspective I might not be aware of. And of course I talk to God ALOT and I always tell him as I'm talking, Lord you are the ONLY one that "gets" me. It even says in the bible we cannot know another man's heart. Proverbs 14:10

And then maybe I'm not supposed to have that wonderful love that some get to experience here on earth. Maybe what I already had with my husband was it. It was far from perfect, but I did not create myself for my own purposes, so I guess I have to wait until God reveals something to me, or brings someone into my life. If the latter is the case, I guess he will have his work cut our for him. LOL

It was very tragic that you got thrown into widowhood , but it is wonderful that you did get to experience that nice Love for many years that many only dream about having ; thats not to say that you shouldnt yearn for something simular again..if its within Gods plans.

 

[Pastor Glenn]

I'm so sorry that you've gone through what you have. Can I share this video with you ? It has brought me through a lot. Blessings

Pastor Glenn
Father's Love Letter - Video - YouTube

 

[dayhiker]

I guess I feel there is a sense that we can't escape our past and we can escape. I live very much in the present so that I find help me not to follow past behavior patterns. I also think about what I do and if I want to do them again or do things differently next time. I'm very aware that if I do the same thing next time I'll get the same result. So if I want a different result in a situation I will say or do something different. I might still not know if I'll get a better or worse result, but its almost certain it will be different. It does take a lot of mental work to figure out a I want to change my behavior. But its less work that living with emotional pain, discomfort, etc that is making what I'm currently doing not work for me.

My GF B from Canada just had a talk about this. Her son is in the hospital as he threatened to commit suicide last week. Each time she want to see him they were arguing and saying hurtful things within minutes. The nurse had written on Mat's chart that B was his trigger. Well, they both trigger each other and around and around it goes. So I told her to stop talking and leave the room as soon as she noticed either of them were triggered.
Will see how it goes. But if we do the same thing over and over we will get the same result over and over.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I'm so sorry that you've gone through what you have. Can I share this video with you ? It has brought me through a lot. Blessings

Pastor Glenn
Father's Love Letter - Video - YouTube

Thank you that was beautiful!

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I guess I feel there is a sense that we can't escape our past and we can escape. I live very much in the present so that I find help me not to follow past behavior patterns. I also think about what I do and if I want to do them again or do things differently next time. I'm very aware that if I do the same thing next time I'll get the same result. So if I want a different result in a situation I will say or do something different. I might still not know if I'll get a better or worse result, but its almost certain it will be different. It does take a lot of mental work to figure out a I want to change my behavior. But its less work that living with emotional pain, discomfort, etc that is making what I'm currently doing not work for me.

My GF B from Canada just had a talk about this. Her son is in the hospital as he threatened to commit suicide last week. Each time she want to see him they were arguing and saying hurtful things within minutes. The nurse had written on Mat's chart that B was his trigger. Well, they both trigger each other and around and around it goes. So I told her to stop talking and leave the room as soon as she noticed either of them were triggered.
Will see how it goes. But if we do the same thing over and over we will get the same result over and over.

I agree, but that applies to our actions more than our feelings IMO. We can choose to act in a different way or make different choices, and I totally agree that we should do that, but it is much harder to change a view of ones self that has been there for most of your life. It's not impossible though.

Some days I wonder if it's supposed to be this way. Maybe the marriage that I had was all I get. Some people don't get that even. Maybe the reason that God doesn't truly reveal His plan for my life to me is that I won't like it and/or won't want to go along with it. Especially if His plan is for me to be alone the rest of my life.
And then maybe I am going thru this to help someone else. Maybe this struggle is not for me.

The ONE thing that ALWAYS rings true in my life is that there is no one, NO ONE, not my best friend, not my other friends, NO ONE except God that "gets" me. And that has been true all of my life. At this stage of the game, I don't see that changing. I'm used to it. Every time I try to explain how I feel to any of my friends, or even on here, most of the time no one truly "gets" it. I know God does and I am thankful to have Him, it's just He doesn't converse with me like other humans do and yet, I keep trying... it's all good either way.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Here's a place to start. I think there's some very good info in this. I'm hoping they air more of it, but I've also ordered the cds. Just click the links below.

Video » Moving Past Your Past - part 1 | LIFEToday.org
Video » Moving Past Your Past - part 2 | LIFEToday.org
Video » Moving Past Your Past - Part 3 | LIFEToday.org

Thank you for this! I wish I could get the series too.

 

[dayhiker]

Michelle, its been my experience if I can change my behavior for a while then my emotions change. Or I can come at it the other way and change my judgement of myself or my situation and my emotions will change. I think because of my meditating on the scriptures so much and applying them to my life, thus changing my mind and actions regularly thru my life that it doesn't seem to be as hard as it used to be.

Back in college I too a character test of some sort. Traits were set up in a spectrum. The one I've always remembered was logical to empathy. The test had me in the 99th percentile logical. It gave this warning that anyone who was this extreme should do some work to get more into the center.

Well, just last month without knowing the above or being asking said they saw me as having empathy. It just struck me as to how far I have come. So I was telling this to a lady I was with this weekend. We have spent about 8 days in each others presence. She said she agree with that. She took me to an AA meeting. I had tears in my eyes quite a bit of the program as I heard person after person share how much pain their drinking at caused them and those around them. So it sure seems to be true.

Now clearly this change wasn't over night or even over a year, but a life of wanting to see people the way Jesus sees them.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I hear ya, and I think I have been changing in the 8 years that I've been a single mother with no spouse of boyfriend. I decided to stay by myself at first for a few different reasons, but one of them is that I somehow knew that I had to learn to "like" being with me, IOW being alone and being OK.
I am OK with being with myself. There are just times I wish I had someone to do things with and to tell me it will be OK when I'm troubled or sad. I know I have Jesus and He DOES tell me that, but you know what I mean, a touchy feely kind of someone.
Like I said before, I think I am a great friend, and lover when given the opportunity. I love with my all. I'm loyal and fun. I'm really not too afraid of being hurt either. It comes with relationships. I guess the only thing lacking is opportunities.

One thing that has come to mind lately is maybe I'm not supposed to get to be with someone, but I'm not sure. I almost cry whenever I think of that or type it, I guess I could just be justifying why God doesn't reveal His plan to me.

 

[miss-a]

Thank you for this! I wish I could get the series too.

They will actually accept any donation. They even have a place that suggests just five dollars, because they are a great group of folks, and they really want to help people.

And if five dollars isn't in your budget--and I get that because it's not always in mine--tell your friends who wanted to stick you with an online dating membership, you'd rather have the cds!

Here's the link to that page where they suggest five dollars. If you tired the link I posted yesterday, I don't think it works, So waht you need to do is go to http://lifetoday.org/ and then down where you see Christine's face three times, you click the first one and it will bring you to the page tha suggests a five dollar donation. If you click the wrong face it will bring you to the place for the dvds and suggest higher amounts. If so, just go back and click faces until it brings yo to the five dollar one.

AND, I just watched today's program, and now if you get the cds, for this week anyway, your donation will automatically be doubled so their missions will get ten dollars is you pay five! How good is that?!?

 

[dayhiker]

I agree that it is very healthy to be able to live with ourselves, to be alone. Yet with Adam when he was alone he didn't have all he needed, even with God coming in the evening. I think that desire to be with someone means that we should go out to where we can meet those that might work for us to have a relationship with. To do this we need to practice with the type guy we want to be with. Its worked amazing well for me.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I agree that it is very healthy to be able to live with ourselves, to be alone. Yet with Adam when he was alone he didn't have all he needed, even with God coming in the evening. I think that desire to be with someone means that we should go out to where we can meet those that might work for us to have a relationship with. To do this we need to practice with the type guy we want to be with. Its worked amazing well for me.

OK cool, I'd like to practice with Matthew McConaughey please. Do you have his number, I'm sure his wife won't mind cuz we'd just be "practicing" right?

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

They will actually accept any donation. They even have a place that suggests just five dollars, because they are a great group of folks, and they really want to help people.

And if five dollars isn't in your budget--and I get that because it's not always in mine--tell your friends who wanted to stick you with an online dating membership, you'd rather have the cds!

Here's the link to that page where they suggest five dollars. If you tired the link I posted yesterday, I don't think it works, So waht you need to do is go to LIFE TODAY | LIFE Outreach International and then down where you see Christine's face three times, you click the first one and it will bring you to the page tha suggests a five dollar donation. If you click the wrong face it will bring you to the place for the dvds and suggest higher amounts. If so, just go back and click faces until it brings yo to the five dollar one.

AND, I just watched today's program, and now if you get the cds, for this week anyway, your donation will automatically be doubled so their missions will get ten dollars is you pay five! How good is that?!?

Thank you! I just ordered them. I did more than 5 bucks, but not 100 so I'm excited!

 

[miss-a]

Thank you! I just ordered them. I did more than 5 bucks, but not 100 so I'm excited!

Excellent!