How do you stop...?

[pretty_girl182]

hey all.
I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice on how to stop yourself from getting into abusive relationships.
When I first start a relationship with a guy everything seems ok-as a matter of fact it often seems really, really good. Then suddenly-almost without my knowing it-I find my life spinning out of control with some obsessive, violent guy tied to me. I don't know how or why it keeps happening, or if I just seek it out. Or am I missing all the warning signs?
I wonder if any of you could give any advice on this. I was abused when i was young, and it's haunted me ever since. I've been into cutting myself and often I am totally passive when it comes to abusive people. I can't seem to stand up for myself. And I also can't seem to avoid the situation in the first place. How do you protect yourself before it goes to far, and how do you keep yourself from abusers?

 

[shazabella]

i wish i knew the answers to that as well prettygirl - if u want to pm me feel free because i know all about that

- Shaz

 

[Yasha]

Then suddenly-almost without my knowing it-I find my life spinning out of control with some obsessive, violent guy tied to me. I don't know how or why it keeps happening, or if I just seek it out. Or am I missing all the warning signs?

I was abused when i was young, and it's haunted me ever since. I've been into cutting myself and often I am totally passive when it comes to abusive people. I can't seem to stand up for myself. And I also can't seem to avoid the situation in the first place.

These sentences say alot about you. You are in the company of many who can say these same things in this forum area. Some come on here and read and never even type or sign in.

These sentences are common questions and real problems with Survivors of Abuse.
There are a few posts in here you can read about this subject. The best one is: http://www.christianforums.com/t1605524-abused-people-abuser-magnets.html

There have been lots of posts in that thread.

I'm sorry that you used to cut yourself. There is also this area: http://www.christianforums.com/f478-self-injury-support.html

In my humble opinion, not an expert, there are habits that are created by the fear and the grief and the people who did this to you that need to and can be overcome to break the cycles of abuse in your life. These things are BEST explored with a trained counselor, in my opinion. All of our family has been, and many still are in counseling. Families who experience this brokeness usually all have damage that needs to be considered and vented and rethought and unlearned, etc.

If the answers were already in your life, you wouldn't be asking this question. I pray the Lord will lead you to the people who are best suited to help you.

Sometimes people don't want to believe what I just typed and will tell you that you don't need professional input. I think, they are wrong, in denial or just don't know how helpful it is. Counseling is a choice and work, though. Not always easy. It is hard to face the pain and better done with an usher who can walk in and out of the fire with you. That's what counselors do. The Lord Jesus is a great counselor, and can and will lead you to the right person if you ask Him.

Have you ever been in counseling before? Maybe for the self-injury reasons? Are you in it now for that?

I'm glad that you said you 'used to,' cut yourself. Praise God that you have stopped!


I pray you GOOD SUCCESS in your healing.

 

[TheReasoner]

I have had the same problem. Well, not really. I have only had one relationship.
But that was very abusive. (yes, women can be crazed loons as well)
I wish I had some advice to give, but I would love to get some myself I think.

 

[Yasha]

love the CrazedLoon visuals that i got. thanks

 

[PetraFan007]

go for the nice guys, not the "too cool for you" guys. 'nuff said.

 

[LoG]

Pay attention to the signs early on. Pick with your head and your heart.
Once you learn the signs and see them in a potential mate, walk away...fast.
A pastor I talked to one time said that the characteristic we tend to fall for in the beginning is the one we will come to hate in the end. ie: I fall for girls who appear to be childlike and in the end would dislike them for their childishness.
Another person may be attracted to someones assertiveness but in the end be turned off by their aggressiveness.
It isn't that the childishness or aggressiveness wasn't there in the beginning, it's that my attraction/lust turned it into something I could handle. Magical thinking so to speak.

Patience is also vital. It takes at least 6 months for 2 people to allow themselves to be seen for who they really are. Before that time you really only see them on their best behaviour. If in 6 months I'm into a heavy relationship , it becomes very hard to get out of it easy when the negative characteristics come to light.

More importantly at this point is to deal with some the issues of being a victim. Someone who sees themselves as a victim will tend to look for a relationship where they can again be in that role because it is familiar to them even though they don't like the ultimate result. It sets up a repeating pattern that is hard to breakout of. The other side of the coin, we can sometimes go to the other extreme and go out with someone who is the exact opposite thereby pushing us into the abusive role. In either case we wind up with someone we can't have a meaningful, loving and long-term relationship with.
I find 12 Step programs to be good for dealing with issues such as this. There is a focus on God as well as dealing with the specifics within myself that tend to attract me to those sorts of relationships.

Here is a link that has some info on this subject http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive.htm

 

[Yasha]

That's a great post. I agree with all of your points and thanks for writing it, Lion of God. And, WOW, great resource link. You da balm, baby.

 

[Yasha]

Here is a link that has some info on this subject http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive.htm

I gotta tell you....I never saw anything like this link before. It ROCKS! I have read many of the pages since yesterday and I am soooooo aware of the value and truth in them. I learned these things throughout this marriage I am in and live these things everyday.

I can't recommend this site enough for any who are interested in the answers to LOTS of the questions we discuss here.

Thanks again, so much, for adding this to this topic. Be blessed!

 

[pretty_girl182]

thank you all for your advice

and thanks for the link, it had some really good stuff on it.
i've never been in therapy, mostly because im pretty ashamed of my problems and its really pretty hard for me to talk about them with anyone.
i hate the emotional trip that starts.
i know i do go looking for abusive relationships in a way-because i almost feel like its something i have to have there.
sometimes i feel like i dont know how to be normal though-like i dont know what a "real" relationship is supposed to look like. i broke up with my bf about a month ago but he's been stalking me and breaking into my apartment. i would appreciate any prayer from you all.
Thank you all a lot!
And i'm sorry for all of you who have been abused. i pray that we can all find healing.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Counseling can help you out a lot.
I know this is complicated. I still have a lot to learn about the abusive cycle.

 

[LoG]

A 12 Step support group can also be very beneficial. If there is nothing for Abusive Relationships you could also take a look at Codependents Anonymous. I found a lot of healing in a non-threatening way for a lot of issues through that kind of environment. A book by Melody Beatty called Codependent No More has been very helpful in recognizing when and how I'm stepping back into negative characteristics which bring on the victim mentality.

 

[Gracie710]

I have been fortunate/blessed that in the past I have not had any abusive relationships, although my father was a rageful, picky and abusive man and my mom was very manipulative.

I think it was a combination of a couple of things -- first, although I have been victimized, I refuse to think of myself as a victim. I made a vow to myself as a child that when I grew up, I would NOT EVER accept abusive behavior, even if it meant being alone. I vowed I would NEVER subject my child to an abusive parent, and that meant choosing a man who would not abuse my child. And I prayed a lot about it.

There is a protective sense in me -- I have a radar for people who will treat me badly and I avoid them like the plague. I guess, deep down inside, I don't feel that I DESERVE to be treated badly. I struggle, but I decided that my future would be different than my past.

Do you really want to be free from the cycle of pain and abuse? Pray that the Lord will break the curses that have been spoken over your life. Pray that God would quicken you to people that will treat you badly.

Run from men who display signs of jealousy. Run like the wind from them. Run from men who want to restrict your freedom, or who want to get too deep with you too fast. Run from men who always want to know where you are, or who don't want you to spend time with your friends. Run from men who give you the creeps in any way.

Blessings to you. May the Lord bring the right one into your life, and may He bless you with someone who will be a loving, caring, tender father to your future children. It can happen!