My dad used to rant and rave -- hollering and yelling at my mother and me about everything. We lived in constant fear of when he'd return from work -- I can still remember when we'd hear the truck pull up in the drive way and then the engine shut off and the sound of the engine shutting down would just make my stomache turn. I still have allot of anxiety as a result of my youth.
My dad wasn't happy with anything we did and we secretly prayed that every day on the way home he'd be killed in a car accident - it never happened. My mom used to tell me all the time that if I ever shot him while we were out hunting that I was young enough that I wouldn't go to jail and would plead with me to accidentally shoot him -- which was really difficult to even think about as a kid. He would scream for hours about if I didn't play good enough in a hockey game or even not putting my shoes away in the closet -- abusive and crazy. He was an alcoholic and broke my mom's ribs onetime he was only abusive to me a couple of times but he is a huge man and was so intimidating that I was fearful for my life without him beating me most of the time ... anyways we had this plan that my mom would leave and that she'd take me with her when she got a place of her own.
She was afraid for her life but she finally got the courage and left and a few months later she phoned -- I asked when I can come to live with her. She said she didnt think that was a good idea because having a teenage son in the house might intimidate guys she was trying to date.
The instant she walked out that door she went and got herself a sports car and would go night clubbing and a couple times she came to see me dressed up like a hooker and had music blaring from the speakers in her car - asked me to get in and just cranked up the music and was smiling and laughing and saying 'isn't this cool?!?!?' and I looked at her just devasted thinking -- what are you doing!?!? I am STILL living with dad!?!? I need to get out of here.
By the time I graduated high school I wasn't living with either of my parents. I went through university and piled up all the loans on myself.
In order to 'survive' I decided that I could never rely on either of my parents in life. I also came understand that in order to survive, parents that say they love their kids in fact will place themselves before their own children - and so I realized that even parents don't really 'love' their kids the way I used to believe in love. I don't feel that way anymore - at least wrt to my kids -- but I've never been able to feel the same about either of my parents.
It affected me allot -- I never wanted to be afraid of another man in my life so I did a ton of weight training in my 20's and early 30's and did quite a few steroids too ... I took allot of martial arts -got a black belt in 2 different jujitsu club -- it helped get rid of the anxiety/fear of someone being aggressive with me. I also have had allot of issues with alcohol but I've been sober since xmas.
Wrt to my dad ... he's been the nicest dad for the past 10 years ... but I'm 38 now and married with 2 kids of my own. I think he has allot of regret although he'd never say it and we could never have that sort of conversation ... but now I have my own life that takes 99% of my time -- he is 5000km away in Western Canada and I don't think he has many years left - he has smoked for 40+ years and is in his 60's ... same with my mother -- she now has copd in her lungs and smoked for 40 years too and just quit 2 months ago.
As a little kid I used to love my parents with all my heart but as a result of this I don't know if I'd even cry at their funeral ... I want to forgive and feel love again but I'm just numb wrt to my parents. I can hardly listen to them on the phone with any interest whatsoever in the conversation - I can't even stand to go through 'the motions' every year of mailing out Christmas, Mother's day, Father's day, Birthday cards, etc. I don't love them but try to do what is expected ...
I am sure there are people (and I've read a few) that have had much worse childhoods ... But I just feel still upset that I didn't get the relationship with my parents that I wanted ... I feel like my relationship with my parents has already occurred in the past -- that I have my own life now and they will die soon and that's all we will ever have together -- just bad memories.
Any advice on this?
My dad wasn't happy with anything we did and we secretly prayed that every day on the way home he'd be killed in a car accident - it never happened. My mom used to tell me all the time that if I ever shot him while we were out hunting that I was young enough that I wouldn't go to jail and would plead with me to accidentally shoot him -- which was really difficult to even think about as a kid. He would scream for hours about if I didn't play good enough in a hockey game or even not putting my shoes away in the closet -- abusive and crazy. He was an alcoholic and broke my mom's ribs onetime he was only abusive to me a couple of times but he is a huge man and was so intimidating that I was fearful for my life without him beating me most of the time ... anyways we had this plan that my mom would leave and that she'd take me with her when she got a place of her own.
She was afraid for her life but she finally got the courage and left and a few months later she phoned -- I asked when I can come to live with her. She said she didnt think that was a good idea because having a teenage son in the house might intimidate guys she was trying to date.
The instant she walked out that door she went and got herself a sports car and would go night clubbing and a couple times she came to see me dressed up like a hooker and had music blaring from the speakers in her car - asked me to get in and just cranked up the music and was smiling and laughing and saying 'isn't this cool?!?!?' and I looked at her just devasted thinking -- what are you doing!?!? I am STILL living with dad!?!? I need to get out of here.
By the time I graduated high school I wasn't living with either of my parents. I went through university and piled up all the loans on myself.
In order to 'survive' I decided that I could never rely on either of my parents in life. I also came understand that in order to survive, parents that say they love their kids in fact will place themselves before their own children - and so I realized that even parents don't really 'love' their kids the way I used to believe in love. I don't feel that way anymore - at least wrt to my kids -- but I've never been able to feel the same about either of my parents.
It affected me allot -- I never wanted to be afraid of another man in my life so I did a ton of weight training in my 20's and early 30's and did quite a few steroids too ... I took allot of martial arts -got a black belt in 2 different jujitsu club -- it helped get rid of the anxiety/fear of someone being aggressive with me. I also have had allot of issues with alcohol but I've been sober since xmas.
Wrt to my dad ... he's been the nicest dad for the past 10 years ... but I'm 38 now and married with 2 kids of my own. I think he has allot of regret although he'd never say it and we could never have that sort of conversation ... but now I have my own life that takes 99% of my time -- he is 5000km away in Western Canada and I don't think he has many years left - he has smoked for 40+ years and is in his 60's ... same with my mother -- she now has copd in her lungs and smoked for 40 years too and just quit 2 months ago.
As a little kid I used to love my parents with all my heart but as a result of this I don't know if I'd even cry at their funeral ... I want to forgive and feel love again but I'm just numb wrt to my parents. I can hardly listen to them on the phone with any interest whatsoever in the conversation - I can't even stand to go through 'the motions' every year of mailing out Christmas, Mother's day, Father's day, Birthday cards, etc. I don't love them but try to do what is expected ...
I am sure there are people (and I've read a few) that have had much worse childhoods ... But I just feel still upset that I didn't get the relationship with my parents that I wanted ... I feel like my relationship with my parents has already occurred in the past -- that I have my own life now and they will die soon and that's all we will ever have together -- just bad memories.
Any advice on this?
