How do you end marriage???

[sillygoose]

I am in a world of hurt. I have lied to my wife, about places I've been. I have spoke to people she did'nt want me to speak to (ex-wife). I have been controlling, selfish, and demanding.

The thing is, I don't know when I am being this way. She never tells me untill we are in a heated arguement. The job I have keeps from getting hame untill at the ealiest 6:00. She has a very flexible sales job, if she wants a day off, nobody ever has to find out, she just takes thier phone calls and nobody knows. She does this often. The problem for me is she never picks up the kids (3) before 5:30-6:00, then there's the 30 minute ride home. I am what she calls a picky eater. She will rarly cook, but even pizza, frozen chicken from a box, spagetto"s, hamburger helper, steak, hot dogs, anything simple is fine with me, but I'm too hard to please. This gets me grouchy. Next it's time for the kids to start baths. We have been struggling in a 2 bedroom, 1 bath house for almost 5 years, so baths for the kids usually happenlate from 8:30-9,9:30. Most of the time we can't eat untill that same time, because of 2 nights of gynastics, 1 night of my working untill 7:00, and who knows why on the other nights.

When the kids go to bed, she likes them to watch tv, I don't believe in it. She like to watch progams like murder investagations on channels that show that stuff all the time, Cops, Americas most wanted, and that night at the Appolo show. I don't like any of these shows, american Idol, who wants to marry a millionare. I think that is brain rot, however I love stupid comedies, and thing that make me laugh, cry in good ways, and that are generally positive. I enjoy movies, Seabiscut, she won't go with me to see this, beacuse it does'nt appeal to her, what about me??

I spend time, lots of it, playing fantasy football. She says I could be with her watching those shows I don't like. We don't compromise, I don't know why.

I think My wife is drop dead sexy, the kids are not mine, which I hear from her all the time. The thing is I try to keep her from going to sleep in front of the tv, so I try to get her to go to bed, if she will she unwilling to partipiate in any thing sexually. This is one thing that really gets me angry. Right now we are not living in the same house, but she was coming to my house to stay a few nights a week. The last night she stayed, we went to bed. It had been 3-4 nights since she stayed last, and we didnot do anything that night. She gave me one of those grunts of O-God is this all you ever think about, and kept on going with it from there. I got mad and said to just pack up everything in the morning and don't come back. I love you, but I'm not asking for too much. The next morning she packed up, and won't come back, she says I'm too controlling, she, not me, compares herself to my ex-wife, says I act like her dad, and she just don't have to live that way. She says she likes her independance too much.

One of our big problems is something with her oldest. He got bad grades last year (6th grade) they get report cards every 6 weeks. the second to last had 3 F's, and a D or two (real bad). His excuse was I just don't like it, or want to do the work.When we took everything from him and promised he wouldn't get involved in the gymnastics with his sisters, who were already in there, he fully understood. His last card came in he had A's, and B's, with the one exception of a single F. We had explained over and over no F's, I had pushed for no D's, but she would go that far. My wife was already living by herself, but we were still working together. She went and put him in anyway, saying to me that she was not going to inconvience herself or the girls for his one F, besides it's summertime she says. I had a real big problem with this, because as you can probably tell in my writting, I did'nt try at all in school myself.

Don't get me wrong, as I said I have lied about things, ignored her wants,sort of. I had a plan, that would allow us to get into a bigger house this year, but I didn't like to talk about it. It always got her too excited, so I would avoid it, I guess she felt I was not doing anything to get us to that point. or even wanting to get there.

So my question is. When you have all these problems, when someone can't get over lies, you have different beliefs in child raising, and what the other spouse should be, goals, and all other problems marriage can bring out, but you still love that person, How do you end it?? She wants nothing to with me except for money or items, but I still love her. Is tere some magic words I can say that will help us, I think she is seeing a lawyer in 4 days, so I need it fast if there is......

 

[desi]

You married a woman who already had children from a prior relationship, you don't live together, and you disagree on almost everything and she doesn't care to have sex often. The only way to get the ball into your court is risky but worth it from my experience. Tell her you need space and want 6 months alone so both of you can figure things out, during this time avoid emotional commitment with her at all cost. If she offers *** take it and go home the same night. Keep all conversation with her superficial. Do this before she sees her lawyer, what your doing is an almost preemptive breakup, beating her to the punch. Since you live in separate homes this is easy. She will either move on or be receptive to reconciliation after the 6 months. After the time is up take things from there.

Why do you live in separate homes? If you worked together and combined your resources you could move into a bigger home, that might make her happy. She seems like a material girl and her children from previous relationship(s) suggests she does not value commitment. If the worst happens and she leaves you should count yourself lucky you do not have children with her.

Pray for God to help you through this, as I wil, however things go.

 

[sillygoose]

Desi,

Things have been very complicated, I (we) have abused our love over and over. She kept saying she was going to leave, and I kept telling her to leave. When she did I went to clean up my past with my ex. We talked, I finally got the burden off of me that I had carried for 6-7 years, and all things were fine in my mind with that part of my life. Thing is she is a stripper and when my wife found out I went to the club to talk to her she could not believe that I didn't want to see her nude. I have been bad in the past when it come to those kinda places.

I broke things off as you said, but started to see someonelse. My wife found out came crying back, we made up, but it was alot of me trying to show that I was (in-charge) being pushy. Then we blew up in bed one night as I said, and she won't have anything to do with me.

As far as she is concerned it is over. She knows we could be in a new house within the year, but she feels emotionally drained and unwilling to work or listen to me.

 

[enslow]

Wow, I feel for you. I think this situation is far more than anyone here can properly advise you on, but I would recommend two things:

1) Get "If Only He Knew" by Gary Smalley. It's a book that illustrates women's needs in a relationship, and how to meet them. He's got anecdotes about Christian couples that actually divorced, then remarried each other.

2) Seek a marriage counsellor. A Christian one might be better because they may be more likely to suggest solutions rather than just point out your differences. I really don't know, because I've never been to one.

Good luck, and God bless.
Enslow

 

[desi]

Sillygoose it takes time for a marriage to get over such things. Mine has, although she has never forgotten and is suspicious sometimes when she has no reason to be. It is possible but you both have to be agreeable to it. Your ability to be with beautiful women suggests you know what to say and how to say it to get what you want. When women don't trust their fellow its usually because they have reason not to. If your wife has 'heard it all before' you might have to ask her how you can prove your sincerity. While you may or may not be able to salvage your marriage I encourage you to look at why things go wrong in your relationships and try to deal with it or it'll be back again and again and again in future relationships. I suspect you are a ladies man and the tempatation can be too much at times. If I were you I would be honest with my wife and try to work through this with her while praying for God to help you and her.

 

[ceres]

Desi for a person who says he values committment and marriage, you sure are throwing him suicidal advice. Just give up and leave for six months? That is the most horrible idea I have ever heard.

The main thing that caught my attention is the thing about sex. Women usually don't want to have sex unless they feel the emotional bond. So if you try to "come on" to her she is of course going to be offended that you want to have sex when she feels no emotional bond. First you have to work on the emotional bond. You must have been in love at some point to have gotten married... what was it you did back then that maybe you don't do now? It could be things as small as washing the dishes, or picking her up from work, or CONVERSATION? She may have emotional needs that you are not understanding and like most women she is just throwing up her hands and declaring "you don't understand me." Which you don't because most men need to be told point blank. Forgive me if I put you in a box, but these are my thoughts so far....

There is a good website on emotional needs www.marriagebuilders.com, and there is a section in there called something like "what to do when your conversation becomes boring and unpleasant" which addresses the problem of everytime you talk you fight and stuff like that.

 

[enslow]

It could be things as small as washing the dishes, or picking her up from work, or CONVERSATION?

Conversation???????!!!!!!!! Shoot, and all this time I thought it was conservation. Oh man........ oh man.............. I have to rethink my whole life.
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Couldn't resist

Enslow

 

[willing to believe]

Sillygoose, If you don't want to end the marriage than don't. If she will talk to you than try. My marriage kinda sorta has been what yours has been like. Little differences. Try to work on you in the way you talk to her. When we were in church, by that I mean following the messages given and living Christ-like, we were very happy, even in the very low times. We've been apart 7 months now. It takes more work to make a marriage work than it is to let it go. I'm praying for mine as much as I can. I'm on an emotional roller coaster. These forums seem to help me keep focused on faith, hope and grace. I have been back in church for about 9 months now. If she will see a change in you than maybe she will join you in getting God back in your lives. You will need this to keep the family together and your marriage.

 

[ceres]

Conversation???????!!!!!!!! Shoot, and all this time I thought it was conservation. Oh man........ oh man.............. I have to rethink my whole life.
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Couldn't resist

Enslow

cute

 

[sillygoose]

Ceres,

That looks like a very helpful site, I will try to get her to take a look also.

I'm not a ladies man by any means, I may have a way with words, but only when in 1-on-1 situations. I'm not a people person, she is. In fact, most of the time I would rather not meet new people, or talk to other than my close friends. I look to people I trust for friendships. The only reason I got in here is I wanted to hear some opinions from people that may have been there. I don't like people to be mad at me for any reason, that was the issues I had with the ex. I have had a friend from high school that I felt the same pain, and need for closure. I carried that for 9 years, and finally got to talk, and say hey, I'm sorry, you are my friend, and I hope that you consider me the same. Sounds lame, but friends are hard to come by, real friends anyway

 

[willing to believe]

Ceres, I agree with you about what Desi says in the posts I've read. To tell her to let things cool off for 6 months is not the way to mend this marriage. Desi, why are you so quick to give up. Don't. In my own struggles, right now, thru prayer, I'm not doing anything but letting go and letting God handle this. If I looked at my marriage in a worldly way, I would be divorced by now. At least I'm going to try to practice what I'm preaching. I want a miracle. So if sillygoose really wants his marriage, his prayers will be answered.
I am willing to believe.

 

[midnight_sojourner]

Goose,

I feel for you man. That sounds like a lot of pain right there and I will pray for you and your wife.

What I am trying to learn right now in my own life is something Jesus said.

"If anyone would come after me, let him lay down his life, take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it."

Marriage is God's holy institution and our duty is to respect that institution. Not for our own happiness, not for our wife's happiness but out of respect and duty to God.

I believe you will need to become a suffering servant as Christ has for the Church. Put your own needs aside, and focus on the duty God has called you to as a husband. Christ is a healing salve upon our wounds and you must be a healing salve to the wounds your wife has. You may find your own body beaten and broken, you may feel weary, you may feel lost to and neglected by your wife... but this is God's will for you as the husband.

You may become the servant only to be rejected. Your marriage may not heal. Nothing may get better at all... but in the end you will have succeeded in honoring God and his desires for the holy union he created between you and your wife.

On the other hand, your marriage may change drastically... it may become stronger than ever... you may see incredible victories.

Why are there no guarantees? Because you and God are not the only ones in this picture. Your wife must also make her decisions. Sounds like you have both said things that have hurt each other. That's just marriage. You can only pray that she can forgive and that her heart can be softened.

The only thing you can be sure of is that God will be your strength in all this and He will work everything to your good.

I will pray for you, goose. I know what it is like to have struggles in your marriage... and everything I write... I think about my own marriage and how I need to do the same things.

Brett

 

[KelsayDL]

the kids are not mine, which I hear from her all the time.

There will be no reconciliation if she cannot get over this point. Plain and simple.

I just watched my brother in law finally get a divorce from a woman who had the same mentality. Always ranting that her kids had no discipline, yet when Tim (my bro in law) would attempt to discipline them in the slightest manner, she would flat out go off and point out the fact they are not his kids. Right in front of them.

Needless to say within a few years the kids had absolutely no regard to Tim as an authority figure.

It was a mess. And it sounds very, very, similar to your circumstance.

I do understand marriage to be Gods holy institution. But a conflict occurs with that train of thought when I see people marrying for the wrong reasons...

Some couples have all kinds of problematic areas, yet their thinking is God will fix it all once we are married, so they ignore all the problematic areas and marry anyway. OOOPS! Problem with that type of thinking is they both are thinking the same thing, and the fix generally is having the spouse come around to their way of thinking.

Were not you aware of her tv habits concerning the children and herself? What about all the other problems?

Why did you even get married?

bleh... What a nightmare. I feel for you man.

 

[sillygoose]

Brett,
Thanks for the words of encouragement, they mean alot to me. Keep praying for me everyone, I may not be able to explain why I still want to save this, or even why I married, but I know I love her and the kids. I don't think I realized I had turned my back on God like I have done. It's hard to make youself see when you hold back feelings, and look for faults.

Mike

 

[KeepTheFaith15]

honestly yall both sound like your acting like kids about the whole ordeal. you'd think something as simple as loving each other and not focusing on the differences would be simple arent those differences what make the relationship more exciting and fun, to think if i went out with a guy that was exactly like me i'd have a boring time. the differences you two have compliment each other or thats how it should be, it just all sounds childish to me, you can always work it out it doesnt have to end.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

How did you two manage to get married?

 

[sillygoose]

Am I wrong, or are you qouting Pink Floyd??

We love each other , we've just lost "that loving fe-e-eling. Maybe we were'nt meant to be married in the first place, however it was by christ, till death do us part. I wish I had thought of this before,

 

[desi]

sillygoose people don't like me around here because I don't tell people to pray for miracles when practical advice has a better track record from my experience. It would be like praying to get an A on a physics test without bothering to study. It could happen but 99% of the time it won't. I know many Christian couples who have prayed for God to fix their marriages and almost without exception the result has been divorce, 'I guess God's will...' This is sick and pathetic. How many people would fail a physics test and say, 'I guess God's will...' These same people who 'trust God' are only too happy to blame him for their marital failures. Don't be one of them. My advice may not fit your situation but, if you were married to a stripper and your wife is 'sexy', you know more than most chumps around here about the fairer sex. Use it to save your marriage.

 

[blitzn]

Goose,

I feel for you man. That sounds like a lot of pain right there and I will pray for you and your wife.

What I am trying to learn right now in my own life is something Jesus said.

"If anyone would come after me, let him lay down his life, take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it."

Marriage is God's holy institution and our duty is to respect that institution. Not for our own happiness, not for our wife's happiness but out of respect and duty to God.

I believe you will need to become a suffering servant as Christ has for the Church. Put your own needs aside, and focus on the duty God has called you to as a husband. Christ is a healing salve upon our wounds and you must be a healing salve to the wounds your wife has. You may find your own body beaten and broken, you may feel weary, you may feel lost to and neglected by your wife... but this is God's will for you as the husband.

You may become the servant only to be rejected. Your marriage may not heal. Nothing may get better at all... but in the end you will have succeeded in honoring God and his desires for the holy union he created between you and your wife.

On the other hand, your marriage may change drastically... it may become stronger than ever... you may see incredible victories.

Why are there no guarantees? Because you and God are not the only ones in this picture. Your wife must also make her decisions. Sounds like you have both said things that have hurt each other. That's just marriage. You can only pray that she can forgive and that her heart can be softened.

The only thing you can be sure of is that God will be your strength in all this and He will work everything to your good.

I will pray for you, goose. I know what it is like to have struggles in your marriage... and everything I write... I think about my own marriage and how I need to do the same things.

Brett

Very well said Brett.

Sillygoose, if you're willing (you mentioned that you love your wife), the place to start is with you and with God. Seek Him first and everything else will start to make more sense. Ask Him to show you what to do...He will.

- blitzn

 

[mollyj]

Mike, Seek God's will. He will direct you. There is defintiely something to be said to meeting your wife's needs too. The Marriage Builder's site talks about something called "Plan A". It is suggested for people dealing with infidelity, but Plan A just sounds like a great idea regardless of the reason for martial discord.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html
Actually several of the articles are great- dealing with love busters and emotional needs, etc. Anyway, they suggest being the best spouse you can for (at least) 6 months ignoring all your own desires and needs. It isn't fair that one person should be the only one to work at a marriage, but sometimes it works that way at first. You remind her of all the good that she saw and why she wanted you for at least 6 months. That's a tough prescription. But think of the rewards. And as you do that, search the scriptures to see what God says about being a biblical husband too. Remember God can take a nasty situation and turn it for our good and His glory!