How do you decide on physical boundaries?

[Living4Him03]

In relation to another thread, how does a couple go about deciding on physical boundaries? Do you sit and have a discussion when you're having dinner one evening or what?

My soon to be boyfriend (again) has asked me how far I want to go and if I've thought about it. We would like to establish our boundaries this time before we begin dating again so that we have a clear idea of what is okay and what is going to lead us to sin.

How do you decide what your boundaries should be? I would appreciate advise from couples who have made this decision. Please share how you came to agree on physical boundaries and why you decided on those boundaries.

Thanks!

 

[Living4Him03]

Thanks Blue Impulse! Always good advice. JJ and I talked about this last night and I told him that I think we should stick to what we agreed upon when we first started dating way back in the day. That was kissing, cuddling, holding hands, and hugs. No touching outside of clothes, or naked stuff, etc. The problem is that he keeps asking me what I want. Well, I want to please God, and my desire is to make love to him. It's hard to explain that difference to him, but I think he understands. It's hard to make sure he understands that it's not that I don't desire him or that I'm not attracted to him and for some reason I feel like he perceives it that way.

 

[Singin4Him]

I honestly think Christians make this far to complicated. It's simple, if it causes you to lust DON'T DO IT. Kinda the opposite of the world's view which is "if it feels good do it." We as Christians should think "if it feels wrong, stop!" The Word tells us to run from temptation, not just get away but RUN.

 

[horuhe00]

As for my physical boundaries... I have always thought that holding hands, hugging, kissing, making out, feeling each other's warmth... all that is ok for me. But where I draw the line is touching in any way the girl's body parts that are different from mine.
And it took me a long time, a loooong time to finaly find that special someone. And it took over a year for us to finaly take the plunge and go for it (be a couple). On the 13th, we celebrate one month together
But, making the story simple, God told my girlfriend that she and I should only have a hello kiss, goodbye kiss, no making out, and not have so much physical contact.
After 23 years being single and not having kissed ANY girl, finding this wonderful girl which I love very much and not being able to express my love the way I've always thought I would... I feel frustrated, like a little kid sitting on a chair with his hands between his legs... If it realy was God who told her that, I wish He'd tell me too... That way I won't feel so bad since "God told me".

 

[Living4Him03]

You know, horhue, your post made me think about something...maybe J. is feeling this way too. I think it's hard for him to accept that I feel like God wants us to do less than we did before. I think he believes we will marry someday, so it doesn't bother him as much. I never thought about it the way you put it though, I guess he could be feeling the same way somewhat.

 

[SirKenin]

Ah yes. Boundaries. I can honestly say that I'm more than familiar with discussions about boundaries and limits. They are a must in every relationship.

The key to establishing boundaries is first to have good communication between the two partners. A checklist actually helps. Prepare a checklist of every possible scenario, or download one off the internet, and each go through them before exchanging them with their partner. Ensure that this list is as detailed as possible. Right down to where his tongue goes and whether or not you want to have sex in the park. EVERYTHING. I don't care how immoral or upright you think it is. I don't care if you think it's a given or not. I want to see it on that checklist. Both of you can brainstorm for ideas if you need to (it sure wouldn't hurt), but you make sure it's all down on that list. Are you kinky? An abstainer? Do you want to be dominated? Do you want to dominate? Do you want equality? How many times are you willing to go to church in a week? Do you want to be locked up in a cage? Do you want to be fondled in the shower? Do you want him smacking your rear end? Do you want him to keep his hands and lips to himself at all times? No honky tonky see until you get your wedding ring? Would you like holding hands? Everything. I don't care how silly it sounds to you, everything needs to be on that checklist. I have one here that is more than twenty pages long. It delves into stuff I wouldn't even remotely consider, and other stuff that I think is just the bees knees. It is still filled out and sitting right here beside me.

You must have three columns beside each heading. Yes, Maybe and No.

You must then be 100% honest with yourself and your partner. What will you put up with and what won't you accept? Everything must be noted on that list. Once you are finished it, which could take a day or two, then you exchange your lists.

You're not finished there though. Now you have to discuss it in depth. The similarities. The differences. You have to be prepared to make compromises on some issues and stand your ground on others.

Do not go any further in your relationship until you have done this. Establish what is carved in stone and which limits can be pushed.

Don't just do this when you are dating, prepare one if you are married. So many problems arise in any type of relationship because people don't establish limits and boundaries. Never expect that the partner can read your mind. If you do that you are heading for trouble. If you do do one, be prepared to open up some new doors that you never even thought possible.

Anyways, take it or leave it, that's up to you. However, there's my experience I share with you.

 

[horuhe00]

You know, horhue, your post made me think about something...maybe J. is feeling this way too. I think it's hard for him to accept that I feel like God wants us to do less than we did before. I think he believes we will marry someday, so it doesn't bother him as much. I never thought about it the way you put it though, I guess he could be feeling the same way somewhat.

It was actualy more of a rant than anything else, but since it helped you, I'm glad to have been of service to you

 

[Jon_]

The key to establishing boundaries is first to have good communication between the two partners. A checklist actually helps. Prepare a checklist of every possible scenario, or download one off the internet, and each go through them before exchanging them with their partner. Ensure that this list is as detailed as possible. Right down to where his tongue goes and whether or not you want to have sex in the park. EVERYTHING. I don't care how immoral or upright you think it is. I don't care if you think it's a given or not. I want to see it on that checklist. Both of you can brainstorm for ideas if you need to (it sure wouldn't hurt), but you make sure it's all down on that list. Are you kinky? An abstainer? Do you want to be dominated? Do you want to dominate? Do you want equality? How many times are you willing to go to church in a week? Do you want to be locked up in a cage? Do you want to be fondled in the shower? Do you want him smacking your rear end? Do you want him to keep his hands and lips to himself at all times? No honky tonky see until you get your wedding ring? Would you like holding hands? Everything. I don't care how silly it sounds to you, everything needs to be on that checklist. I have one here that is more than twenty pages long. It delves into stuff I wouldn't even remotely consider, and other stuff that I think is just the bees knees. It is still filled out and sitting right here beside me.

Uhhh. When I first read the thing about the checklist, I thought maybe you were being funny. I then realized you were serious, so I took a more objective look at it. I understand the intention behind it, but I think it would be very awkward and cheesy to sit down with a checklist and go over them point by point with your significant other.

Now, as I continued to read, I felt that the idea was actually more egregious than that. There are somethings that are just outside of sensibilities to talk about in a pre-marital relationship. Establishing if you want to be dominated by the other party, sexually, creates a lot of tension. A lot. Of course, I don't want to turn this discussion into a debate about what constitutes "righteous" sexual acts and "deviant" sexual acts, but I think you might have extrapolated this idea a little too far. Additionally, simply going over, in detail, what sexual acts you would be open to could open yourself to sin as well. You might start to imagine the various scenarios and fall into lust.

Might I suggest a mental checklist, instead? Rather than put it down on paper, which is so formal and so binding, ask your partner, gently, what they think of boundaries for your relationship. Be open, be honest, be tender. Listen to their heart. If they go farther than you are comfortable with, then tell them that you might struggle with that level of intimacy. If they set their limits tighter than you do, then mention you had other things in mind. Talk about it. Most of all, commit your relationship to the will of God.

 

[SirKenin]

No, I have sat down and done these checklists. I am not joking. I am dead serious. Whether you think the scenarios will pose problems are not, it's an absolute must that you discuss them.

One thing you don't realize is that I have a hidden agenda in what I am telling you. There is a benefit that you did not even grasp when reading my presentation. The hidden agenda is that you get to know your partner. You get to understand what makes them tick. You find out some of your partners deepest innermost secrets. This is important. You can then decide whether to continue the relationship or walk/run in the other direction.

Therefore this exercise in my experience is imperative.

 

[Living4Him03]

I totally agree with Jon (how Ironic hehe). We've already gone over the "checklist" and that did cause problems, because talking about what we will or won't do if we get married is very tempting for him, and really for me as well. So, that's not the point we are at. We are trying to decide where our boundaries should be in dating, not when we are married and can have sex. Before, our boundaries weren't very clear and we ended up doing things that I regret, although I'm not sure he regrets them. He called a few days ago and we talked about this, and I told him what I think our boundaries should be. He said he will think about it and we will talk about it more the next time he calls.

 

[SirKenin]

If you can't even handle discussing limits and boundaries without getting all worked up and acting on them, there is a problem. Every relationship needs them discussed in depth, whether premarital, marital or whatever.

 

[lady_of_god]

If you can't even handle discussing limits and boundaries without getting all worked up and acting on them, there is a problem. Every relationship needs them discussed in depth, whether premarital, marital or whatever.

I would have to agree with you.. you need to talk to your SO about the limits. Its easy to cross the line or do something the other person is uncomfortable with. Definitely talk (communicate) these things to each other.

-Lady.

 

[Marie D]

IMHO it's *essential* to have an open discussion about boundaries when you're dating, not because you don't trust your loved one but because if things aren't agreed then misunderstandings and resentments can occur.
In the case of my fiance and I, we agreed at the outset that we could kiss and cuddle (yum!) but no touching of sexual parts, which for me means anywhere covered by my underwear.

 

[Fatolia]

If you can't even handle discussing limits and boundaries without getting all worked up and acting on them, there is a problem. Every relationship needs them discussed in depth, whether premarital, marital or whatever.

Hey this guy thinks like me!

But I do agree with some of the issues people are bringing up. You won't catch me discussing our boundaries of oral sex on the third date. I'm usually still trying to figure out the cleverest way I can tell her I like her.

You're right though...gotta keep those girls under control!

 

[Jon_]

You're right though...gotta keep those girls under control!

You may think you're being funny (and you are ), but you'll have a different opinion the first time she attaches herself to your neck and starts Hoovering like an Amazonian Leech!

Girls can be wild!

 

[Living4Him03]

hahaha. Is there anything wrong with being wild? Anyway, Jon and I both are pretty easily turned on. I'm afraid that cuddling will turn him on too much though and he knows exactly how to push my buttons! If he does that it will be all over and we might as well just do whatever we want unless it's sex. Still, I don't want that to happen. I want us to not regret anything we do, which I've told him. He doesn't seem to think the same way.

 

[Fatolia]

Girls can be wild!

Have you experienced this "problem" before? heh heh heh...

Yes I was completely shocked when I was with an ex who I thought was such an innocent little sweetheart, and later on she told me that all she really wanted was my body (I am still vexed to this day how that could be humanly possible). And did I tell you about the awesome girl involved in a children's ministry who, months later after I videotaped her bibleschool program, gave me "the call?" (ie. booty call) Boy that was creepy. It's almost like some girls hide their sexuality all their lives and then unleash it all at once. On me!

I always thought (and still often continue to fool myself into thinking) this is only a guy problem. I've never really had problems in relationships with physical stuff, probably because none's ever lasted that long. I believe half-heartedly that if I keep myself physically under control, the relationship will thus be in control and the girl will likely behave herself, right? Apparently this is not the case.

Or maybe L4Him's brain originated in a guy?

 

[Living4Him03]

what? haha. I don't think so, unless it was a gay guy, cuz I'm pretty girly. I think a lot of girls are basically "told" that their sexuality cannot be discussed or thought about or anything until they get married. And we are also told that we aren't as sexual as guys so it shouldn't be a problem for us, but those of us who do have a high sex drive are puzzled when told this. Some girls are pretty aggressive. Maybe these girls felt comfortable revealing this side of themselves to you that is so often discouraged. Anyway, it is difficult to be a Godly woman but not to be a prude...to be sure a guy knows that when you get married someday you plan to take full advantage of the becoming one thing hehehe. I think there are ways to dress a bit sexy and to flirt without sinning. It's a delicate craft I think, that I myself have not yet fully mastered.

 

[Lizzi4Christ]

My first boyfriend I did what I thought couples did. We held hands, hugged, kissed... but soon that kissing lead to making out... which lead into something that shouldn't have been done.

Because of those mistakes, I know where my limits and my boundaries are. I know where I can go without going to far. So I made the commitment not to kiss a guy until we were engaged at the least. It's helped in the past few months a great deal.

You have to ask yourself the question: do you feel right doing this to a guy who is not your husband? Do even think you may regret it?

 

[Fatolia]

Some girls are pretty aggressive.... Anyway, it is difficult to be a Godly woman but not to be a prude...to be sure a guy knows that when you get married someday you plan to take full advantage of the becoming one thing hehehe.

YYYESSSSSSSS!