how do you ask for forgiveness from the ones you love when you have totally hurt and wounded them beyond repair. are they supposed to take the pain you dish out and just be a tackling dummy? i have truely wrestled with this for some time now. i was diagnosed as bipolar a short time ago, but how do you know when it started. there are telltale signs throughout my life but i guess the biggest sign was when i got divorced. i asked for the divorce and then half way through it after ranting and raving about how it was going to be i decided i didnt want it. i totally destroyed my wife who i believe had had enough already. i put my family in a situation that is unthinkable when i was ready to kick her out on the street with three kids. all the time im thinking im right when you could not have been more wrong. then i guess i go into what they call a manic state, cant work, cant eat, cant sleep, start to mumble to myself, wont talk to anybody, totally isolate myself from the world. i try to commit suicide on numerous occations trying to convince myself that that is the only way out. finally on the fourth attempt when i think i have it all figured out, the easiet way possible to get the job done i almost hurt someone else very dear to me and i still fail to do myself in. this is just the most horrible thing that i could imagine anyone going through. i wish this illness on nobody, not even my worst enemy. for some reason God has saved me from myself and has some purpose for me. i try to live day to day now but the guilt and sorrow i feel almost envelops me. i ask my self countless times how i have gotten here? i do not understand why this has happened to me as i already have been stricken by a stuttering problem my whole life and i really thought that that was bad enough but obviously not. now that i have started meds and let me tell you they really do work for anyone that has doubts, but the fact remains that the trail of destruction from before is long and deep. soon i will be going thru trial and trebulation for all that i have done, and really i cant believe in my heart that i became this person. i had a kind and giving heart at one time, would help everyone, was thesweet guy next door type. with my medicatin i feel like that person again but it just seems too late to start over again. i had a beautiful family and i let it all get away and now there will be a hole in mm heart forever. feel so sorry for my two young boys who love me very much but i cannot see and dont really know when i will be able to see them again. please take my advice if you read this and get help for yourself as soon as you can because you might destroy everything in your life as i did and it will be too late to fix it. please dont let yourself become the villian as i have become in the eyes of so many. i am truely sorry for all the pain and hurt i caused everyone in my life and maybe one day they will forgive me as i know God will. i will keep fighting as hard as i can because my children need a father who they can be proud of. i ask the Lord to give me the strength to get through the coming months so that i can change my life and maybe the lives of others as well. i thank you for listening to my ranting and hope that maybe this will be a help to someone else before they get to the point that i have gotten to. God bless everyone and especially the poor people stricken with this disease that have ended their lives. may God have mercy on their souls!!!!!!!!
