This has been a very long and tiring year for me. Because of God's infinite love and grace, my life has changed so dramatically that I have been struggling to cope. As a result I fell back into my old habits of intense self loathing whenever I feel stressed and overwhelmed. This of course led to me almost abandoning my faith due to my deep depression.
Self-loathing? This may sound...strange but the reality is that such loathing is actually an expression of Self. Who in you loathes you? Not God. Who, then? Well, you, right? You loathe yourself. Why? To what end? What purpose does loathing yourself serve? It sure doesn't serve God - especially if you're His child. Such loathing is a reflection of dissatisfaction with who you are but this dissatisfaction is the result of caring -
and caring a great deal - about who you are. In fact, the more loathing you have for yourself, the more you reveal how much you care about yourself; for if you cared nothing for yourself, you would feel no loathing at all.
And so, strangely, these self-hating feelings and thoughts we have are actually a perverse form of pride. We wish we were better, superior to our present selves, and so great is the desire to be more than we are, better, superior, that it drives us to frustrated self-hatred. But this is how prideful, selfish Self works. Selfish pride does not allow for peaceful contentment, for comfortable satisfaction with oneself, but caught up always in comparisons with others, Self drives us to feel deep unhappiness with our looks, or intellectual capacities, or skills, which we realize will never equal or exceed such things in others whom we admire.
God, on the other hand, will bring you to contentment with who He made you to be, to a place of peaceful acceptance of yourself as His child, short or tall, fat or skinny, smart or dull, made not for time, but for eternity.
Fortunately, for me I serve an infinitely loving and patient God who has helped me understand that he is not going to give up on me. That being said I have to ask how do I move forward toward God ?
It's clear by the last thread that I posted that I have a serious need of a relationship with God, but I have no idea how to do that and I need help.
What should I do ?
How does any relationship work? What things are essential to healthy relationships? Time, communication, effort.
If I want to be friends with someone but never spend any time with them, can we truly be friends? No.
If I want to be friends with someone but never speak with them, can we truly be friends? No.
If I want to be friends with someone but can't be bothered to make an effort to get to know them, can we truly be friends? No.
God's unique as a Person, though. He's not like everybody else. And the differences make a
big difference. In relating with God, He directs our approach to Him and what the nature of our relationship to Him will be. We don't relate with God as an equal, only as servant to Master, creature to Creator, child to Father. We can't just walk up to God, punch Him in the shoulder, and say, "Hey. Howzit?" No, we come to God as needy sinners, weak, wayward and dependent. In the most literal of senses, He is our Life, our Maker and Sustainer, and so we approach Him in humility, sincerity and truth, submitted to His will and way rather than our own, seeking to glorify and serve Him with our lives, as He made us to do.
How do I spend time with God? Bible study. Prayer. Worship. Service.
How do I communicate with God? Bible study. Prayer. Worship. Service.
How do I make an effort to develop my relationship with God? Bible study. Prayer. Worship. Service.
All of this, though, gets pretty dreary and burdensome really quickly when done from the wrong motive, and for the wrong reasons, and under the wrong dynamic. The only right motive is love; the only right reason is to glorify God; the only right dynamic is as a receiver of God's love, truth and power at work in your life.