How do I love myself when I don't even know who I am?

[therebelprophet]

This is a true "First World Problem" to me...but it is the defining struggle of my life. I can only remember a handful of times in my life when I felt that it was okay for me to just be myself. That all of my flaws, my quirks, my idiosyncrasies, and my weirdness would be accepted in spite of how flawed, quirky, idiosyncratic, or weird they were. The rest of my life I've spent trying to be someone else. Trying to look like someone else, dress like them, talk like them, be like them. Because no one wants to be me right? I'm tired of the criticism, tired of hearing those same taunts in my head over and over again that haunt me and drive me to be someone else.

I've been picked on my entire life. I'm tenderhearted and thoughtful, giving and sensitive...and it has been perceived as weakness time and time again. "Yeah, let's pick on THAT guy...he looks like an easy target!" And it's made me bitter and hateful, guarded if not armored, and more than just offended. It has left me wounded, tired, lonely, and depressed. No one cares that I care. When I try to help, no one wants my help. And so I have become the thing I hate...a total, standoffish, flagrantly offensive jerk. Because no one will know that I really, really, really care how they are, what hurts they're going through, or if I can help in any way if I act disaffected, indifferent, and aloof to their suffering.

Forgive me. This is the first time I've even tried to write down how I feel in many months. I am just rambling, really. I don't feel like I am worthy of anything so I constantly try to prove it to myself...and also to everyone else by proxy. How can I just be me and be happy with that? How can I even know who and what I am? I'm making everyone around me miserable because I'm miserable. What can I do in this? Thank you for your advice and assistance.

 

[RC1970]

You're tenderhearted and thoughtful, giving and sensitive. You're obviously very intelligent and sensible. I'll bet you're honest, trustworthy and dependable. What else could we add to the list?

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." ~ Matthew 5:3

 

[grandvizier1006]

This is a true "First World Problem" to me...but it is the defining struggle of my life. I can only remember a handful of times in my life when I felt that it was okay for me to just be myself. That all of my flaws, my quirks, my idiosyncrasies, and my weirdness would be accepted in spite of how flawed, quirky, idiosyncratic, or weird they were. The rest of my life I've spent trying to be someone else. Trying to look like someone else, dress like them, talk like them, be like them. Because no one wants to be me right? I'm tired of the criticism, tired of hearing those same taunts in my head over and over again that haunt me and drive me to be someone else.

I've been picked on my entire life. I'm tenderhearted and thoughtful, giving and sensitive...and it has been perceived as weakness time and time again. "Yeah, let's pick on THAT guy...he looks like an easy target!" And it's made me bitter and hateful, guarded if not armored, and more than just offended. It has left me wounded, tired, lonely, and depressed. No one cares that I care. When I try to help, no one wants my help. And so I have become the thing I hate...a total, standoffish, flagrantly offensive jerk. Because no one will know that I really, really, really care how they are, what hurts they're going through, or if I can help in any way if I act disaffected, indifferent, and aloof to their suffering.

Forgive me. This is the first time I've even tried to write down how I feel in many months. I am just rambling, really. I don't feel like I am worthy of anything so I constantly try to prove it to myself...and also to everyone else by proxy. How can I just be me and be happy with that? How can I even know who and what I am? I'm making everyone around me miserable because I'm miserable. What can I do in this? Thank you for your advice and assistance.

There's nothing wrong with you. I've had similar issues myself. Remember that God loves you the way you are and that the toughts of others ultimately are meaningless in light of God.

 

[Johnnz]

Jesus is far more positive about you than you are on yourself. You are not in a dead end street, but you probably will need a wise, experienced, spiritually mature (if the parson is a Christian) or a well rounded non Christian as a counselor/mentor/support person to find your way out.

John
NZ

 

[Tempura]

Forgive me. This is the first time I've even tried to write down how I feel in many months. I am just rambling, really. I don't feel like I am worthy of anything so I constantly try to prove it to myself...and also to everyone else by proxy. How can I just be me and be happy with that? How can I even know who and what I am? I'm making everyone around me miserable because I'm miserable. What can I do in this? Thank you for your advice and assistance.

I won't forgive you, because there's nothing to forgive!

You might have hit a key note when you said "I don't feel like I'm worthy of anything". I would suggest a good therapist or a counselor. I had one, two in fact. I know many have had bad experiences, but trying can't hurt. It's easy for anyone to say and harder for someone to actually do it - I rebelled against it myself. And for 1-2 years the therapy didn't help, because even when I went there, I rebelled like a child. But at some point something clicked.

But you have no need to act like someone you're not. You say you don't know who you are, but you also say you try to act like someone else, because people picked on you for the way you were. If you know the way you were was RIGHT, that's who you are, no matter what anyone said or did about it. That doesn't mean we are "doomed" to be just X, because we can learn and grow, but you get the point. You also say that you have become something you HATE, and it's a clear indication to stop pretending - you are convinced of it yourself. You already know how this anger is consuming you, and how you hate pretending. You are not a lost cause, not by a long shot. It's possible that you are just "waking up".

You know, at least in some parts, where you are honest and truthful about yourself. Keep that honesty and let it grow. I had to really embrace my own weaknesses to understand anything about myself. And a lot of it wasn't pretty, but I could finally admit a lot of things, and I could embrace God as the broken man I was - and in many ways still am.

If you want to give, give. If you want to help, help. Love will only create something good, especially when it's the kind of love you don't expect getting anything in return for. If someone mocks, let them mock. Some of those people might need your love too at some point, and something might come out of it - something that anger could never have achieved. And if someone embraces you, don't turn them away either, no matter how much you think you don't deserve anything.

Read the Bible too, and pray for guidance and strength for you to accept and embrace your true being. God will happily help you with your struggles. Jesus came for the weak, for the lost and for the sinners. He knows your heart. He knows all our hearts better than we do. Strive for truth, for love, for hope and be patient. Let God take care of the rest. And if you can help yourself with some counseling/therapy or such, go for it.

All the best for you and your loved ones. Said a little prayer.

 

[Chicken Little]

you can never know who you are except who you are in the flesh only.
only he knows who he created you to be now and later.. the real you is hiding in him . find him more and more and he will introduce you to who the you that he knows more by more also .. but not by seeking you do you find him, but by seeking him and the knowledge of him do you find the you he is creating you into.