How do I love my terrible wife?

Swag365 · Oct 7, 2020

fishmansf said:
I want to love my wife as Christ loves the Church, I want to have patience with her, I want to reject anger and have compassion and mercy on her and bear fruit. She claims to be a Christian but is the most spiteful, impatient, easily angered, and gossipy person I know. She intentionally attacks my insecurities to "get at me", is so easily triggered by anything I say, creates a list of grievances against me and when I go to change and fix them, she claims I am not doing anything to fix them and then rejects my attempt at fixing my issues. She will get angry and swear at me, make me the bad guys for everything that goes wrong. I will get vulnerable when she is not angry sometimes and share the weight of my sin, stressors, desires, etc. and she will lovingly listen to me, then within 30 minutes go ballistic and use all of my stressors and insecurities I just poured out to her as a weapon against me. She attempts to read her Bible but I believe just sees it as a chore. I have told her countless times about how easily she is angered and asked her where her fruit is and telling her that she cannot behave like this and needs to stop now (to which I received major anger, to be honest, probably rightfully so) to which she goes ballistic and paints me as a legalist. I hope and pray daily that one day, she will stumble across Proverbs 31 and realize that she is NOT the Proverbs 31 wife and I pray that she reads Proverbs 25:24 and realizes she is that woman then turns to the Gospel, changes her ways, and finds mercy and grace in God's presence. I pray that every day nearly. I am with my faults too. Sometimes these things are because of ways I react to her going ballistic but this woman is the most spiteful and contentuous woman I know. The worst part? Within a few hours she is back to her sweet self and apologizes, just to return right back to her vomit so to speak the next day. Jesus said that he who is angry with his brother has already commit murder in his own heart. This woman brings me to anger every time we fight (which is nearly every day). I don't believe in divorce otherwise I would be long gone, I want to bear fruit and have mercy on her but I cannot find it in my heart. She is slowly pushing me away and killing my fruit. How do I love my wife who is so terrible to me? I have prayed time and time again to no avail. I feel nearly hopeless at this point and we haven't even been married a year. I know there will be plenty of "well if you knew this you shouldn't have married her" but this new behavior is entirely new to marriage. Please pray and give me guidance brothers and sisters.

OK Let me give a bit of contrarian advice here:

1) Skip the counseling. These are never of any benefit to men. You are gonna walk out of there thinking that she is an angel and you are the devil!

2) The Bible says to love your wife, not to be her doormat. You sound like a doormat, to be frank. You sound like an abused puppy.

3) Stop arguing with your wife. That is pointless. Show her what the consequences are when she brings drama into your life. Next time she comes at you with drama, ghost her. Leave if you have to and come back. If she hits you with more drama, ghost her again. If she wants to be nice and have a civil conversation, cool. If she wants to act like a loving wife and spend enjoyable time with you, cool. If she hits you with drama, be out. Refuse to put up with any BS, whatsoever.

4) Hit the gym. Improve your style. Buy yourself a nice watch or a new car. Get back into your hobbies, spend time with your friends, make new friends, enjoy your life. Don't let someone else drag you down into her own misery.

5) It sounds like she wants out of the marriage. If that is the case, let her go. You don't have to file for a divorce. She will likely do that. You can get an annulment. I'm not saying you shouldn't fight for the marriage, but if you aren't willing to walk away and refuse to put up with BS, the BS will never end.

Once you try the various advice in this forum and it does not work for you, give what I wrote above a try.

Good luck.

honey badger · Oct 7, 2020

Scott Husted said:
I am twenty six years into this experience which began two weeks into my marriage ...

in cockney rhyming slang a wife is ones trouble and strife

bèlla · Oct 7, 2020

Mercy.

It's important to forge connections with married couples whose relationship is healthy and happy. Eating from a damaged tree has consequences. The same applies for singles. Their companionship should be equally edifying.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

Halbhh · Oct 7, 2020

fishmansf said:
I want to love my wife as Christ loves the Church, I want to have patience with her, I want to reject anger and have compassion and mercy on her and bear fruit. She claims to be a Christian but is the most spiteful, impatient, easily angered, and gossipy person I know. She intentionally attacks my insecurities to "get at me", is so easily triggered by anything I say, creates a list of grievances against me and when I go to change and fix them, she claims I am not doing anything to fix them and then rejects my attempt at fixing my issues. She will get angry and swear at me, make me the bad guys for everything that goes wrong. I will get vulnerable when she is not angry sometimes and share the weight of my sin, stressors, desires, etc. and she will lovingly listen to me, then within 30 minutes go ballistic and use all of my stressors and insecurities I just poured out to her as a weapon against me. She attempts to read her Bible but I believe just sees it as a chore. I have told her countless times about how easily she is angered and asked her where her fruit is and telling her that she cannot behave like this and needs to stop now (to which I received major anger, to be honest, probably rightfully so) to which she goes ballistic and paints me as a legalist. I hope and pray daily that one day, she will stumble across Proverbs 31 and realize that she is NOT the Proverbs 31 wife and I pray that she reads Proverbs 25:24 and realizes she is that woman then turns to the Gospel, changes her ways, and finds mercy and grace in God's presence. I pray that every day nearly. I am with my faults too. Sometimes these things are because of ways I react to her going ballistic but this woman is the most spiteful and contentuous woman I know. The worst part? Within a few hours she is back to her sweet self and apologizes, just to return right back to her vomit so to speak the next day. Jesus said that he who is angry with his brother has already commit murder in his own heart. This woman brings me to anger every time we fight (which is nearly every day). I don't believe in divorce otherwise I would be long gone, I want to bear fruit and have mercy on her but I cannot find it in my heart. She is slowly pushing me away and killing my fruit. How do I love my wife who is so terrible to me? I have prayed time and time again to no avail. I feel nearly hopeless at this point and we haven't even been married a year. I know there will be plenty of "well if you knew this you shouldn't have married her" but this new behavior is entirely new to marriage. Please pray and give me guidance brothers and sisters.

Pray the prayer Christ said to us (all of us) to pray each day in Matthew chapter 6.

Really. (it's...like a sea change...)

Try and see. Just try praying it with faith (relying on the One Who can do all things, and is so much more able than we are) and just see what happens. (day by day, over time)

Matthew 6:9 So then, this is how you should pray:
Matthew 6 ESV

And pray, of course!, for your own help to have more patience or healing or such that you need to love better (I can testify this works!).

GirdYourLoins · Oct 7, 2020

A mate of mine's wife was like this. She got worse and worse and it got to the point after about 20 years he finally gave out and said he wanted a divorce. This was enough to make her realise how bad she was and as a result of the help she sought she was diagnosed as bi-polar.

Follower3 · Oct 7, 2020

I'm learning at my church that a lot of anger, and unhappiness stem from something that happened to us either in our youth, or throughout our life. I would try to be her therapist ( but I have read psychology books since I was 12) and when she is in her brief cooperative mood try to get her to think about it what it might be that is REALLY bothering her. I bet 95% of what she is being so difficult about has nothing to do with you. But is a lot of aggression from her life.

Edit: Can I ask a question, was there any clue of ANY of this before you got married? You married her and this just came out of left field and you had no idea she would be like this even a little bit?

Edit: Also when she is in a good mood see if you can try to pray with your wife for this and that, and for your own relationship. Do you think you would talk her into praying with you?

NerdGirl · Oct 7, 2020

Scott Husted said:
I am twenty six years into this experience which began two weeks into my marriage ...

No man should be putting up with verbal and emotional abuse from his wife. Ever.

Tone · Oct 7, 2020

NerdGirl123 said:
No man should be putting up with verbal and emotional abuse from his wife. Ever.

I like your attitude.

Thanks!

NerdGirl · Oct 7, 2020

Swag365 said:
OK Let me give a bit of contrarian advice here:

1) Skip the counseling. These are never of any benefit to men. You are gonna walk out of there thinking that she is an angel and you are the devil!

I think it's reckless and hazardous to throw millions of therapists and counselors - most of whom you don't know - under the bus with a blanket statement like this.

3) Stop arguing with your wife. That is pointless. Show her what the consequences are when she brings drama into your life. Next time she comes at you with drama, ghost her. Leave if you have to and come back. If she hits you with more drama, ghost her again. If she wants to be nice and have a civil conversation, cool. If she wants to act like a loving wife and spend enjoyable time with you, cool. If she hits you with drama, be out. Refuse to put up with any BS, whatsoever.

This, I agree with. Drama queens are fueled by reactions to their behaviors. Stop feeding into it, it only gives her more fuel to throw back at you.

4) Hit the gym. Improve your style. Buy yourself a nice watch or a new car. Get back into your hobbies, spend time with your friends, make new friends, enjoy your life. Don't let someone else drag you down into her own misery.

He looks pretty young and fit in his avatar. I don't think his appearance or build has anything to do with her behaviors.
Also, don't spend money on frivolities if you can't afford them.

5) It sounds like she wants out of the marriage. If that is the case, let her go. You don't have to file for a divorce. She will likely do that. You can get an annulment. I'm not saying you shouldn't fight for the marriage, but if you aren't willing to walk away and refuse to put up with BS, the BS will never end.

He has no legal ground for an annulment. They'd either remain legally married and separated, or someone would have to file for divorce.

NerdGirl · Oct 7, 2020

Tone said:
I like your attitude.

Thanks!

I am a huge advocate of respecting and valuing men, and I have no tolerance for naggy, fussy, manipulative, or abusive women

Swag365 · Oct 7, 2020

NerdGirl123 said:
I think it's reckless and hazardous to throw millions of therapists and counselors - most of whom you don't know - under the bus with a blanket statement like this.

This, I agree with. Drama queens are fueled by reactions to their behaviors. Stop feeding into it, it only gives her more fuel to throw back at you.

He looks pretty young and fit in his avatar. I don't think his appearance or build has anything to do with her behaviors.
Also, don't spend money on frivolities if you can't afford them.

He has no legal ground for an annulment. They'd either remain legally married and separated, or someone would have to file for divorce.

He can decide what to do with my advice for himself.

As for him hitting the gym, I didn't write that his appearance was a cause for his wife's behavior. That is what you read into it. I advised him to do that because it's good for him, just like buying something that he likes for himself, and hanging out with his friends, doing his hobbies, etc. Most men with bratty wives end up devoting all of their time to her drama, which often leaves them in a situation where they are not taking care of their health and other things.

@fishmansf I'll add one more - take your advice from other men who have been in bad situations such as yourself, and successfully managed their way out of them. You ain't gonna run into too many men who went to marriage counseling and managed to get their wives' poor behavior resolved from it.

Good luck.

98cwitr · Oct 7, 2020

fishmansf said:
I want to love my wife as Christ loves the Church, I want to have patience with her, I want to reject anger and have compassion and mercy on her and bear fruit. She claims to be a Christian but is the most spiteful, impatient, easily angered, and gossipy person I know. She intentionally attacks my insecurities to "get at me", is so easily triggered by anything I say, creates a list of grievances against me and when I go to change and fix them, she claims I am not doing anything to fix them and then rejects my attempt at fixing my issues. She will get angry and swear at me, make me the bad guys for everything that goes wrong. I will get vulnerable when she is not angry sometimes and share the weight of my sin, stressors, desires, etc. and she will lovingly listen to me, then within 30 minutes go ballistic and use all of my stressors and insecurities I just poured out to her as a weapon against me. She attempts to read her Bible but I believe just sees it as a chore. I have told her countless times about how easily she is angered and asked her where her fruit is and telling her that she cannot behave like this and needs to stop now (to which I received major anger, to be honest, probably rightfully so) to which she goes ballistic and paints me as a legalist. I hope and pray daily that one day, she will stumble across Proverbs 31 and realize that she is NOT the Proverbs 31 wife and I pray that she reads Proverbs 25:24 and realizes she is that woman then turns to the Gospel, changes her ways, and finds mercy and grace in God's presence. I pray that every day nearly. I am with my faults too. Sometimes these things are because of ways I react to her going ballistic but this woman is the most spiteful and contentuous woman I know. The worst part? Within a few hours she is back to her sweet self and apologizes, just to return right back to her vomit so to speak the next day. Jesus said that he who is angry with his brother has already commit murder in his own heart. This woman brings me to anger every time we fight (which is nearly every day). I don't believe in divorce otherwise I would be long gone, I want to bear fruit and have mercy on her but I cannot find it in my heart. She is slowly pushing me away and killing my fruit. How do I love my wife who is so terrible to me? I have prayed time and time again to no avail. I feel nearly hopeless at this point and we haven't even been married a year. I know there will be plenty of "well if you knew this you shouldn't have married her" but this new behavior is entirely new to marriage. Please pray and give me guidance brothers and sisters.

I'd recommend finding a Christian marriage counselor.

Your profile says single, is that just in need of updating?

bèlla · Oct 7, 2020

Swag365 said:
Most men with bratty wives end up devoting all of their time to her drama, which often leaves them in a situation where they are not taking care of their health and other things.

Many overlook the behavior while dating. My friend did the same. He tolerated her tantrums and ignored the rest. I warned him against it and said he was setting a bad precedent. He'd grow tired of it later on and he did. What he tolerated as a student was difficult as a spouse. I mentored her for a bit to reel her in. But he was too permissive.

Some men find bratty behavior cute and fashion themselves as Daddy figures. He was the same and called her brat.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

Petros2015 · Oct 7, 2020

fishmansf said:
Please pray and give me guidance brothers and sisters.

I went through something similar not too long ago - Bipolar meds possibly.

Swag365 · Oct 7, 2020

Petros2015 said:
I went through something similar not too long ago - Bipolar meds possibly.

Actually that crossed my mind too. Worth exploring I think.

Sparagmos · Oct 7, 2020

fishmansf said:
I want to love my wife as Christ loves the Church, I want to have patience with her, I want to reject anger and have compassion and mercy on her and bear fruit. She claims to be a Christian but is the most spiteful, impatient, easily angered, and gossipy person I know. She intentionally attacks my insecurities to "get at me", is so easily triggered by anything I say, creates a list of grievances against me and when I go to change and fix them, she claims I am not doing anything to fix them and then rejects my attempt at fixing my issues. She will get angry and swear at me, make me the bad guys for everything that goes wrong. I will get vulnerable when she is not angry sometimes and share the weight of my sin, stressors, desires, etc. and she will lovingly listen to me, then within 30 minutes go ballistic and use all of my stressors and insecurities I just poured out to her as a weapon against me. She attempts to read her Bible but I believe just sees it as a chore. I have told her countless times about how easily she is angered and asked her where her fruit is and telling her that she cannot behave like this and needs to stop now (to which I received major anger, to be honest, probably rightfully so) to which she goes ballistic and paints me as a legalist. I hope and pray daily that one day, she will stumble across Proverbs 31 and realize that she is NOT the Proverbs 31 wife and I pray that she reads Proverbs 25:24 and realizes she is that woman then turns to the Gospel, changes her ways, and finds mercy and grace in God's presence. I pray that every day nearly. I am with my faults too. Sometimes these things are because of ways I react to her going ballistic but this woman is the most spiteful and contentuous woman I know. The worst part? Within a few hours she is back to her sweet self and apologizes, just to return right back to her vomit so to speak the next day. Jesus said that he who is angry with his brother has already commit murder in his own heart. This woman brings me to anger every time we fight (which is nearly every day). I don't believe in divorce otherwise I would be long gone, I want to bear fruit and have mercy on her but I cannot find it in my heart. She is slowly pushing me away and killing my fruit. How do I love my wife who is so terrible to me? I have prayed time and time again to no avail. I feel nearly hopeless at this point and we haven't even been married a year. I know there will be plenty of "well if you knew this you shouldn't have married her" but this new behavior is entirely new to marriage. Please pray and give me guidance brothers and sisters.

I’m sorry to hear all of this. I agree with others that you should desperate. And suggest therapy from a licensed practitioner. Your wife may be suffering from mental illness. You do not have to put up with her behavior, that doesn’t help anyone.

Norbert L · Oct 7, 2020

fishmansf said:
I want to love my wife as Christ loves the Church, I want to have patience with her, I want to reject anger and have compassion and mercy on her and bear fruit. She claims to be a Christian but is the most spiteful, impatient, easily angered, and gossipy person I know. She intentionally attacks my insecurities to "get at me", is so easily triggered by anything I say, creates a list of grievances against me and when I go to change and fix them, she claims I am not doing anything to fix them and then rejects my attempt at fixing my issues. She will get angry and swear at me, make me the bad guys for everything that goes wrong. I will get vulnerable when she is not angry sometimes and share the weight of my sin, stressors, desires, etc. and she will lovingly listen to me, then within 30 minutes go ballistic and use all of my stressors and insecurities I just poured out to her as a weapon against me. She attempts to read her Bible but I believe just sees it as a chore. I have told her countless times about how easily she is angered and asked her where her fruit is and telling her that she cannot behave like this and needs to stop now (to which I received major anger, to be honest, probably rightfully so) to which she goes ballistic and paints me as a legalist. I hope and pray daily that one day, she will stumble across Proverbs 31 and realize that she is NOT the Proverbs 31 wife and I pray that she reads Proverbs 25:24 and realizes she is that woman then turns to the Gospel, changes her ways, and finds mercy and grace in God's presence. I pray that every day nearly. I am with my faults too. Sometimes these things are because of ways I react to her going ballistic but this woman is the most spiteful and contentuous woman I know. The worst part? Within a few hours she is back to her sweet self and apologizes, just to return right back to her vomit so to speak the next day. Jesus said that he who is angry with his brother has already commit murder in his own heart. This woman brings me to anger every time we fight (which is nearly every day). I don't believe in divorce otherwise I would be long gone, I want to bear fruit and have mercy on her but I cannot find it in my heart. She is slowly pushing me away and killing my fruit. How do I love my wife who is so terrible to me? I have prayed time and time again to no avail. I feel nearly hopeless at this point and we haven't even been married a year. I know there will be plenty of "well if you knew this you shouldn't have married her" but this new behavior is entirely new to marriage. Please pray and give me guidance brothers and sisters.

There is a Christian saying that reads like this: You can be so heavenly minded that you become of no earthly good. Basically being Christian doesn't grant a married couple immunity from divorce.

Either your situation changes or at best you two will be sleeping in sexless beds or at worst sleeping with someone else. No matter how hard you pray for another outcome. Basically don't underestimate the power of being attracted to someone else who actually likes your companionship.

My advice is consider these two aspects of the Bible: On one hand God hates divorce and on the other hand God divorced Israel.

Scott Husted · Oct 7, 2020

NerdGirl123 said:
No man should be putting up with verbal and emotional abuse from his wife. Ever.

Maybe so ... but what it has taught me over the years is priceless to me.

NerdGirl · Oct 7, 2020

Scott Husted said:
Maybe so ... but what it has taught me over the years is priceless to me.

Perhaps so, but this is a heartbreaking thing to hear from someone.

NerdGirl · Oct 7, 2020

Norbert L said:
Basically don't underestimate the power of being attracted to someone else who actually likes your companionship.

THIS cannot be overstated.

How do I love my terrible wife?

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