How do I learn patience when dealing with other people?

[ClairEuk73]

Hello all, I'd like some advice on how to deal with people in day-to-day life who 'rub me up the wrong way'?

First off, I know I'm far from perfect, and I know people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, but I'm having a particular problem with a particular person at the moment. She gossips about other people all the time, never has a nice thing to say about anyone, and everything always has to be worse for her than anyone else. She also makes a drama out of the slightest thing, and isn't very nice to her child. I cannot just decide to not have anything to do with her, because she is related to my son, and her son is pretty much the only family he has around here. She also uses me for her own purposes and I don't hear from her at all when she doesn't need me or has nothing to gossip or moan about.

It's all come to a head this evening, because my son said some naughty words at home, and when I asked who taught him those words, he said it was her son (who isn't a bad child at all). I sent her a message (a polite one) just to let her know (as I'd like to be told if my son was doing the same), and honestly, you'd think I had accused her son of being the school bully or thief or something. She believes her son, who has denied it, of course, and I know all parents want to believe their child is innocent. But her son is almost 2 years older than my son, who is just 5, and my son hasn't really learned to lie yet, and would have no reason to lie to me, as I've always tried to teach him he has nothing to fear from telling the truth.

Anyway, I sent another message to say I didn't want to fall out over it and that kids will pick things up in playgrounds, and I said it's fine that she believes her son and that we should just forget the whole thing (I hate confrontations, and I know she will blow this up way out of all proportion if I don't 'back down'). She's not replied to this message, and she will probably ignore me for a while now, maybe until the kids go back to school from Easter break, when she will act like nothing happened because she needs me to 'protect' her from a family member she has fallen out with.

The upshot of it all is, if she wasn't 'family' I would not choose to be around her, and I'm getting really short of patience when it comes to ignoring her gossip and bad-mouthing of others. She will no doubt be bad-mouthing me to anyone who will listen right now.

How do I learn to 'turn the other cheek', and keep myself sane for the sake of my son and hers? I've been praying, but are there passages in the bible I can study about it? As a new Christian, I am not yet 'fluent' in where to look for specific things to help me. I just want to be able to deal with her, and any other people who frustrate me, rather than just grit my teeth and grin and bear it and end up being treated like a doormat.

I'm sorry if this post sounds like I'm being mean to her, I've only tried to explain the truth of the situation. I hate to sound ungracious about anyone, but I've had to deal with her twice a day, 5 days a week since last September, and I'm starting to dread school days!


Thankyou in advance.

 

[parsley]

One thing I am learning in this area, is that it's okay if people don't like you. Sometimes we're stressed because the acceptance isn't resolved -- you stated what you believed needed to happen, and she resisted. That doesn't make you wrong -- it makes you less liked by someone you don't really want to like back anyway. Allow yourself to not get along perfectly.

 

[ClairEuk73]

One thing I am learning in this area, is that it's okay if people don't like you. Sometimes we're stressed because the acceptance isn't resolved -- you stated what you believed needed to happen, and she resisted. That doesn't make you wrong -- it makes you less liked by someone you don't really want to like back anyway. Allow yourself to not get along perfectly.

Thankyou, parsley, I never thought of it that way...seems perfectly logical!

 

[parsley]

Not sure why I'm the only one who responded, but I hope it's working out for you.

 

[ClairEuk73]

Posts can get lost I suppose Strangely, I was just thinking about the person in question before I clicked on this site...as I've heard nothing at all from her over the holidays except for a 'thankyou' for my birthday post on her Facebook page on Tuesday. I'm sure I'll be ignored until the boys go back to school on 16th, when I will be useful to her again (she has to have me accompany her in and out of the school because her aunt wants to attack her over a big falling out they have had).
But, as you said, it's ok if she doesn't like me, and I shall just think of my actions at the school as helping her child rather than her. I only have to be her 'bodyguard' til the middle of July, as he will be going to a different school from September.
Thankyou for thinking of me, and I hope you have a peaceful Easter

 

[parsley]

What a mess. It is clear that she stirs up trouble elsewhere too. It would be tempting to offer to pick up the son and avoid her altogether, but then you'd be stuck in an obligation without compensation. Driving might be easier than talking, though.

Is there anyone else who can help her get her son in the door? She could call school security and notify them of the risk. And get a restraining order if she really felt endangered.

A peaceful Easter to you too!

 

[ClairEuk73]

The school know all about it, and she's even got the police involved, although I've never seen her aunt do anything, or even say anything, since the one time she allegedly went for her in the playground (the one day I happened to not be there and she was there with another friend). Rather tellingly, there doesn't seem to be anyone else she speaks to on a daily basis who could go in with her...
I usually wait for her at the bottom of the lane. Quite tempting to just not wait on the first morning and see if she asks me why. But then, if I say it's because she's ignored me all over Easter she will tell everyone I accused her son of all sorts. Really not worth it, even though it makes me want to scream in her face for me to be used in such a way. So I shall be asking God to grant me the patience to stick it out for a bit longer!
Roll on the end of this school year!
I always try to make up my own mind about folks and get on with everyone the best I can. But interestingly an old friend of mine warned me about her as soon as he knew I'd moved here, and I told him that I was so far getting on ok with her and didn't want to be in the middle of their opinion of one another (she doesn't like him, either!!!). I think on this occasion I'd have been better off listening. Tough when our kids are related, though...
And I'm still the one who feels guilty about having bad thoughts and making judgements about her!

 

[pdudgeon]

Posts can get lost I suppose I'm sure I'll be ignored until the boys go back to school on 16th, when I will be useful to her again (she has to have me accompany her in and out of the school because her aunt wants to attack her over a big falling out they have had).
But, as you said, it's ok if she doesn't like me, and I shall just think of my actions at the school as helping her child rather than her. I only have to be her 'bodyguard' til the middle of July, as he will be going to a different school from September.
Thankyou for thinking of me, and I hope you have a peaceful Easter

this part of your post reminded me of Paul in the latter part of his life, when he was shackled to guards. Even then Paul used his imprisonment to witness for Christ--he had a "captive audience", you might say.

in much the same way this lady and her son are your captive audience for a period of time. maybe during the time you can teach her to look for the good in people or show her how to curb her tongue and use it to praise about her son and the good things in life instead of using it to cast blame.

when you do these things motivated by a love of God you'll find it easier to be patient with her, and she won't grate on your nerves so much as her outlook changes from negative to positive.

 

[ClairEuk73]

I do try to set a more tolerant example when I'm with her, for example she was having a dig at one of the other mums who is in her 30's and has a 19 year old boyfriend, acting as if she was disgusted by it. I turned it around and said that what do their ages matter as long as they are happy together? She had no argument to that. I also make a point of including her son in conversation, as every day she is telling him to 'shut up' when he's only trying to talk to my son. I think it works sometimes, but I'm not sure any of it lasts. Most of the time, I must admit, I'm just keen to rush into the school and out again and get back to the peace of my car
She knows I go to church but has no interest in it herself, so I just try to show an example of tolerance and love, rather than attempting to witness directly - I'm far too new (and shy) to try that anyway just yet
Thankyou for your reply, and I shall certainly read up on Paul's experience again.

 

[pdudgeon]

one more thing that might help her very much is to teach her about the "box method" of discussing things.

Our pastor teaches this and it really works well. He says that whenever there is an arguement or a discussion that's getting nowhere, the thing do is to write down the problem on a piece of paper, and then 'put a box' around the problem; literally draw a 4-sided box around the words of the problem.

then within that box, write the names of the people who have the problem. after that, add the names of anyone who can have a direct effect on solving the problem.

the people whose names are written in the box are the only people that should be talking about the problem.

so for example, let's say that this lady is having a problem with her aunt.
on a piece of paper she would write down what the problem is, and draw a box around those words. then within that box she writes her name and her aunt's name. her last step is to write down any police or attorneys who are also involved with helping to settle the problem.

and if your name isn't written in that box, then she's not to mention the problem to you.
if she says that she 'just needs someone to talk to", tell her to put God's name in the box. He's always available to help, and He has all the right answers.

 

[ClairEuk73]

That would be a great idea for someone other than her, to be honest. She's so reactionary and defensive, that the second I imply I don't want to talk about it with her, she will get all huffy and probably not speak to me at all, and then we are back to the problem of what she might say about me behind my back. Although I shouldn't worry about that too much, I still have to live here, even after she changes schools (she already lives in the next town) and we won't see her.
In the last couple of days she has commented on unrelated things on my Facebook page, so she is 'speaking' to me now, and will probably be expecting me to wait for her on Monday morning by the school. I will no doubt meet her as usual, and we will continue as if nothing happens. I no longer feel quite as frustrated with her over this, although I'm sure there will be a 'next time'
Thankyou for the box idea, though, I do know of a few others I could use that approach with
Thankyou to everyone for their help and suggestions on this, I really appreciate being able to talk about it with you all