How do I help?

[Jenna]

My husband has decided that the best thing that he could do for himself, and for us, was to tell me that he has a sexual addiction with masturbation. It had caused a great deal of hurt between us before, basically because I could not understand that it wasn't that he didn't want me anymore. Well, I've done a better job at putting aside my initial knee-jerk response, and I've listened well to what he has said to me.

Through our conversation, I learned that my husband has been struggling with masturbation since childhood. He is no longer trying to make excuses for the behavior, as he has seen well enough the way that this behavior impacts our marriage and runs over into all areas of our life together. He told me that he wants to overcome this, that he knows it is wrong and hurtful. He struggles with guilt that he is not more successful in this battle, and brought me to tears by saying that I am a better Christian than he is. Of course, I said that I wasn't, that my sin is no better than his, only different. So, he isn't viewing himself in a very favorable light, partly from feeling as a failure, and partly from the embarassment of being "caught". Now, he asked me for something, and I am completely lost. He asked me to help him, and I don't know how. I have no idea how to give him accountability without making him feel guilty or resentful. I can support him in this struggle, but I don't know that I am the right person for him to be looking toward for accountability, probably because I am so emotionally involved. Could you help me to find ways to provide what he needs?? I've been reading what I could find over the internet, but I haven't found much of anything on how a spouse might support her husband through something like this.

 

[kittykat1234]

Hi Jenna.

I'm sorry to hear that your husband is going through this. I think you are totally capable of helping him. I listen to a radio station out here in L.A. It's called "New Life Live" they also have a website called "new life.com". I think you'll find their resources helpful. They have alot on sexual intergrity. I also think that maybe if you read material set out for men dealing with this you might get an idea of what it's like for them to deal with the issue. You responded to a post I did a couple of days ago and I found your answer the most helpful. You seem like a wise woman, I'll be praying for you! Good Luck & God Bless!

 

[Warrior Poet]

*hugs*
Its out there now Jenna, the best place it can be IMO you need to keep it out in the open, even if it hurts to be able to freely talk about such a subject will vital.

Hang in there, Ill be praying.

Warrior Poet

 

[selune]

I'm praying for you and your husband Jenna. Best wishes and keep up your spirits. God will help you through this tought time.

 

[bliz]

Jenna,

I do not think you should be your husband's accountability partner on the matter. He needs to confide in a Christian man and have that man, or better, a small group of Christian men who hold each other accountable, serve in that capicity. It all just gets way too complicated if you, his wife and sex partner, are the one who is expected to hold him accountable. It also puts way too much responsibility on you for something you have no control over and it may well be upsetting for you to learn of every time he mastrubates.

(At the same time, I must say that I do not find mastrubation in and of itself to be a sin. If his addiction has him mastrubating multiple times a day, or even once a day, that is another matter, but I feel that many Christians live under terrible guilt when they do not need to do so.)

 

[Godssongbird]

Huggs jenna
im sorry that you have to go through this , i will be praying for you and your husband ..theres is a christian book that you can get they may help you
its called living with your husbands secret wars, my husband also struggles in this area

 

[Jenna]

(At the same time, I must say that I do not find mastrubation in and of itself to be a sin. If his addiction has him mastrubating multiple times a day, or even once a day, that is another matter, but I feel that many Christians live under terrible guilt when they do not need to do so.)

To an extent, I agree with you. I am not against my husband masturbating entirely, however, I look to always be included in one way or another. I'm sure that those with creative minds can understand what I am talking about. As far as how often he finds himself in this situation, I could honestly not say. He has not shared that with me, and I am brutally honest with myself in acknowledging that I most likely would not like to know. What I DO know is that it has been a barrier between us many times, leading to him not wanting to be sexually active with me for long bouts of time.....sometimes only turning to me when something else has brought on his arousal. To me, and also my husband, this is sinful. I speak of it very carefully when I speak to him, but he is more harsh with himself than I can be. He doesn't call it masturbation. He calls it fornication and adultery. That alone convicts my heart deeply, showing me that he is deeply troubled by the situation.

I agree, that I am not suitable for accountability. *nods* I am too closely involved in the problem and am more likely to act out in appropriately, though it is the farthest thing from what I would wish to do. I love my husband dearly, and do not want to harm him because his actions hurt me unintentionally. As it stands, we don't have any type of ministry to the men of our congregation to deal with this, and my husband has said that he doesn't know how to talk about this with anyone. It was hard for him to speak with me, and he doesn't know how to open up to anyone else. I have invited him to speak in the Men's Forum though, knowing that there are many God-loving men there who would treat him kindly and respect him through his struggles.

 

[Tumburu]

I agree with bliz that he needs to get a male accountability partner. It's not a sleight to you that he should discuss this with someone else, it's just I think he will have a much easier time relating and feeling comfortable discussing this with another dude. I have an accountability partner and it's a lifesaver. Being able to openly discuss issues such as this has helped me immensely and has added quality to every relationship in my life.

Masturbation is something that tons of guys (I know it can be a prob with women too, but I think it's much more prevalent among the fellas) have problems with. I guess that's pretty obvious from all the threads on this board that have it listed as their subject. Give him grace and support and with the Lord's help he will prevail.

 

[Svt4Him]

There are groups called "Pure Desire" that meet for both males and females. They deal with this as well as other issues. I would find a group and join.

 

[desi]

Masturbation is not a sin near as I can tell. The bigger problem you make of this the bigger it will be. Just let him know you understand and so long as he keeps you happy too he can do what he has to when you're not available.

 

[Jenna]

Desi, did you read my posts? *makes a goofy face*

 

[desi]

I thought I did. What does he want from you aside from support which you seem to have for him in abundance. This is his thing. So long as you're available and support him I don't know what else you can do. I'll pray for him to find an answer he'll accept.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

If he's using other women's images in his head while he masturbates, then that's sin. If he's using you as an object for his gratification rather than fantasizing about mutual sexual experiences, then I dunno, but it sounds wrong to me.

During this separation, when I touch I think about my wife. I try very hard to think about her face, the smile on her face, about pleasing her.

(sorry to be so blunt, but my problems with lust and porn have virtually destroyed the sexual intimacy my wife desires and I desire with her.)

 

[Jenna]

It wouldn't bother me if my husband masturbated to images and fantasies about me while I am gone. I'm pretty fine with that kind of stuff. However, we're talking internet porn and choosing it instead of being with me. So, it's a different situation....

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Very different. I was so hung up on the porn that I had serious difficulty keeping them out of my head when we had sex. Disgusting. Sinful. Unfaithful.

Your husband needs two things:

1) Accountability and support, real accountability and support from other Christian men. I don't mean the "we all struggle with it, but we can strive to be better." I mean, one guy in my church, when he fails, his accountability partner takes him into a boxing ring. He showed up at a men's retreat with a black eye! I was in an accountability group, and I rationalized that it was 'ok', every man deals with it, it hurts noone if I slip a little, my wife has admitted to a problem too, just not as severe.

2) He needs to hear from you that it hurts. A lot. I heard it from my wife, but wasn't listening. After the separation, I found out that the times when she didn't want to have sex, but went ahead with it because she wanted to be nice to me or "not deny her affections" she would cry herself to sleep. The woman I love, or try to love, and I think loves me, crying herself to sleep because of sex with me.

Praying for you tonite, Jenna.

 

[desi]

Very different. I was so hung up on the porn that I had serious difficulty keeping them out of my head when we had sex. Disgusting. Sinful. Unfaithful.

Your husband needs two things:

1) Accountability and support, real accountability and support from other Christian men. I don't mean the "we all struggle with it, but we can strive to be better." I mean, one guy in my church, when he fails, his accountability partner takes him into a boxing ring. He showed up at a men's retreat with a black eye! I was in an accountability group, and I rationalized that it was 'ok', every man deals with it, it hurts noone if I slip a little, my wife has admitted to a problem too, just not as severe.

2) He needs to hear from you that it hurts. A lot. I heard it from my wife, but wasn't listening. After the separation, I found out that the times when she didn't want to have sex, but went ahead with it because she wanted to be nice to me or "not deny her affections" she would cry herself to sleep. The woman I love, or try to love, and I think loves me, crying herself to sleep because of sex with me.

Praying for you tonite, Jenna.

I'll only say it one more time... The bigger you make this the worse it will be for all involved. This is about something your husband does with himself partly in his own mind. If you make this about you guess what... it will become partly about you and he will associate this problem, which he doesn't like, with you which may affect your relationship in a bad way. I suggest telling him you love and support him and trust him enought to let him decide how he wants to deal with this while you pray for him. This is like if my wife asks if she's fat, there's only one way to handle it without causing problems.

 

[Jenna]

Desi, he came to me and asked for help. I am not hounding into something, so I wish that you would at least stop long enough to understand this. HE has said that it bothers him. HE has said that he would like for me to help him find ways to overcome his compulsion. HE has said that it is hurting our relationship because of the way that he treats me, which is a direct result of his behavior. I am not blowing this up to be anything. I am simply trying to get ideas from my peer group on ways that I might be able to help my husband get a handle on what is bothering him, something that he has asked me to do. HE is making a big deal over the issue because it IS a big deal in our relationship because it constantly challenges him to do what is unbiblical and unproductive toward our marriage. So, to you your 'kind' words "I'll only say it one more time"....I'm asking because it was asked of me, not that I am making an issue where none existed.

 

[Living4Him03]

Support him by praying for him and listening to him. If he wants you to hold him accountable, make sure he understands that when you ask him questions that you are trying to support him, not make him feel guilty. Ask him each day if he has masturbated and do it in a way that is not accusing. Let him know that you understand this struggle is difficult for him. If he fails, let him know you are still there for support. You could also ask other questions and choose other ways of holding him accountable. Maybe you could share an area with him you'd like accountability for and have him hold you accountable for that area. Personally, I believe part of marriage is holding one another accountable and helping one another with our struggles. If he is not okay with that, you could suggest he join or start an accountability group with some men at church. I am not married, so I'm not sure if I know much about it lol, but I hope this helps. God bless!

 

[desi]

Jenna I understand what you are saying. Again, if my wife was concerned about her weight and asked me about it there is one honest way to deal with it and one correct way to handle it, they are not the same. You have every right to involve yourself in this as he has invited you to. I advise against it. Maybe you could suggest he talk to a friend or relative about it... Involving yourself IMO will cross a line better left alone.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Many kudos to you for listening to him. Sometimes that's hard to do. But you've found one of the keys to being able to work through things.

Back in the day...hehe. Same thing happened to me. It's always my goal to be a better husband. Holly has to put up with me so I figure I cna always work to make being married to me as pleasant as possible. So I considered that it upset her. Hurting wife = bad. Before marriage I don't really have any issues with masturbation.
But I don't belong to me any more. I don't have that authority over my body.
He's a lot younger than me so I don't know how that plays into things. But it's not that hard to stop. You just decide to do so and know why you are deciding to do so. It may take a little time and some messing up along the way, but he'll get there.
Your love and patience with him will help out a lot. Really.